BlackBlueCoffee 12/22/25 BlackBlueCoffee 12/22/25

That boy from my adolescence

Disclaimer

The information on this blog is not intended as a substitute for professional medical and/or mental health advice, diagnosis, or treatment. This blog is intended for informational purposes only. Any health concern must be assessed by a doctor or another licensed and/or certified clinician

That Boy From My Adolescence, he won’t leave me alone. Will we always be psychically bound to one another? Will it be Forever??? At first, I thought this Psychic Connection was ALL Romantic and LOVELOVELOVE. It is more complex and messier than that. It is not simple, it is not straightforward.

There are times where I feel Revulsion and Disgust towards him; RESENTMENT.

And then I remember when we were children and how much he Loved; With His Whole Heart. So much Beauty.

He has Lied and GasLighted me so much. He thinks of me as His Possession. He thinks of me as his Play Thing. Very Dehumanizing.

What kind of example are you going to set for your Beautiful Child??? Are you going to lead with Lying and Manipulation and GasLighting and Shame? Like what your Father and Mother did to you? Are you going to repeat those intergenerational wounds? Are you going to hurt your child and not give a flying fuck???! What kind of Father are you going to be? You helped to call in this Beautiful Soul and it is YOUR RESPONSIBILITY to support and guide your child that is in alignment with their age development and Frame Of Reference. Are you going to expect them to read your fucking mind? Are you going to impose your expectations onto them? Are you going to make assumptions about them and declare that to be Truth? Are you going to Confuse the fuck out of your child and then dominate them with Shame???! Are you not going to hold yourself Accountable for the behavior you model for your Beautiful Child???

What kind of Father are you going to be???

In moments of Challenge and you see your Child struggling ; are you going to tell them, “Suck it up kid; Life’s hard, get used to it”. OR. “Don’t be a Pussy”. Either directly or indirectly; are you going to be the kind of Father who pulls this Shit???

Please REMEMBER You Are Love!!! YOU ARE LOVE!!!! YOU ARE LOVE!!!!!

I felt inspired to re-read some of the messages I sent you a few years back. One of the things about you that scares me ALOT is your Privilege and Power. You are a highly educated military officer. You are a cisgendered, straight, white, heterosexual male. A Devoted Husband. YOU are in a position of Power and Authority. YOU are at the Top Of The Fucking Food Chain in our fucked up patriarchal culture. And on a physical level, you are still so fucking Gorgeous.

And yet. You have been HIDING for so many years. YOU are not as you appear. There is so much more to you. YOU are like the many colors of a Prism; such a Spectrum, such a Sight.

PLEASE REMEMBER YOU ARE LOVE!!!!!

The following message is what I wrote to you. At that time my Intuition felt so violent in my body and the only way it would subside is if I wrote you messages. At that time, my ego was telling me, “Fuck no. YOU do not want to be involved with this person. It isn’t safe!!!” But the compulsion and the abusive sensations in my body held me hostage. And so I wrote to you, even though I would have preferred to ignore my Intuition. That would have been far, far easier and more comfortable for me. I wrote and sent this to you before I knew you had a child with your wife. I have altered names and significant landmarks to protect the innocent and the not so innocent.

Wanderer,

Please know that writing these messages to you has not been what I want to do, rather, it is more like an intuitive compulsion. I am not attached to a specific outcome or expect a response from you. I don’t feel entitled to receive anything from you.

Since the last time we communicated, I have become more accepting that I am indeed a witch with psychic abilities. For better and for worse. I feel inclined to share some thoughts with you. And as always, it's weird. :)

Going back to that last time I visited with my adoptive mom and you invited me to that school play. During that time, I was experiencing intense suicidal ideation. All I could think about were ways to kill myself. I was not expecting to stick around. It was around that time I was really struggling with the loss of a friend I had known since I was about 5 or 6. She had been coming in and out of my life for as long as I could remember. I really loved her. She was a soulmate. She got pregnant when she was 16, had the baby, and eventually became addicted to drugs. I knew I would never see her again and I had no idea how to process that loss. We had been close when we were kids but then grew apart before high school. I always worried about her.

That night during dinner and all throughout the play, I was focused on thinking about how eventually I would not be around and you would get older, go off to college and meet a girl who made the most sense to you. And you would get over your childhood crush. You would forget about me. You would move on. I hoped that for you. I believed that would be the absolute BEST thing for you; me not being in your life.

But my mind wanders to a lot of coincidences over the years: On two separate occasions my adoptive dad giving me a sweatshirt during the time you were attending that school. I didn’t think much of it at the time. I literally thought he was being sweet towards me and moved on with my day. Your sister friending me on Facebook after I set my profile to private, even though I knew she thought of me as being too weird; she doesn’t even like me. And then, I remember seeing a profile photo of you; it was you on the beach holding a sea turtle. It was odd because when I first saw that photo, the first thought I had was that it was intended for me, it was directed towards me. That photo felt like an offering. Then I thought how weird and random that was. It was just yet another crazy thought. I discarded that thought and moved on to the next thing, refusing to think about you. Still hoping that you had forgotten about me. That you didn’t think about me.

I didn’t plan on any of this. Before experiencing that intense intuitive hit back in September, my general life outline included focusing on meaningful work and a few close, intimate friendships with an occasional fling here and there. It was straightforward and simple; not a lot of intense emotions involved. But, I’m different now. Experiencing these intense mystical, magical and spiritual events; I will continue to grow and evolve into the most authentic expression of my soul’s desire.

Also, I know that cocktail mixer; that was a gift from you. What a coincidence! That mixer gets made 3 hours from where you were living at the time. I didn’t even read the label about where it was made until after I had experienced that intense intuitive hit I had gotten about you. I had written my adoptive dad that first email about if you had some unresolved feelings from when we were teenagers. That intuitive hit I had about you when I was very afraid I might have gotten some sudden, severe symptoms of Covid. That was a very long night and day. My adoptive parents went off to go camping. I went to get tested for Covid (the test came back negative), attempted to get some rest and then later that evening, I made myself a very strong old fashioned. I looked at the bottle more closely and read the back of the label and noticed it was made in —--------------------. I knew you lived relatively close in that area. Anyway, when I read the back of that label, all of my intuitive senses started ringing.

This is where I want to express my gratitude towards you. Up until then, I was not paying attention to my psychic abilities. I kept gaslighting myself that I was just really fucking crazy. My theory is, there was some kind of energy transfer that happened. When you gave my adoptive dad that bottle of mixer, your intention/energy was all over it. I think coming into physical contact with that bottle helped me to experience a very powerful and potent psychic experience. After that intuitive hit I had gotten about you, I became just a little bit more accepting of myself and my abilities. It cornered me to understand myself on a deeper level that I had nooooo idea that existed up until then. That was a pivotal moment for me and I am very grateful for that gift.

I also know when I unfriended your sister after your brother’s wedding, my adoptive dad made “his” profile so you would still get access to what I was posting on Facebook. Why didn’t you ever message me? Why have you been so secretive and not direct about these things?

Okay, so, this next thing is personal. I have debated a lot if I should or should not share this. I don’t know what the right answer is. Like I said, I didn’t ask for any of this. It just is.

In February 2022, I was given another intuitive hit about you. I saw you. The present day, adult you. The you that identifies as —------------------. What I saw was you masturbating and you were saying, “I love you” over and over and over again. It was made very clear to me that you were thinking about me. Then I experienced this warm, orgasmic sensation all throughout my body…it wasn’t bad. It was orgasmic energy, so, yes it felt very pleasurable. I don’t know why I was given that download, but I was, and I understood that you were absolutely thinking about me when you were saying, “I love you” over and over again. And then I felt very sad for you because that means you did not forget about me in the way I had hoped. I had really wanted you to forget those feelings. And for a really long time I thought you did move away from that and believing that the feelings you had for me were put to rest. Like I said, that is what I wanted for you. I didn’t want you to be burdened by missing me. For a really long time, I just felt like poison; like I was no good. I also had zero desire for a committed relationship, just thinking about commitment in that way felt claustrophobic; like a trap.

Earlier this year, on January 6th, I met with a psychic medium. I went in to see her for a soul blueprint reading. I got a lot of confirmations. Getting those confirmations brings me comfort. However, I realize how I still doubt myself and my abilities; that is a constant work in progress. Back in 2021, when I was first experiencing all of these downloads and knowings about our souls’ histories, my intuition highlighted how our souls have been visiting Earth since before patriarchy. And every time my soul comes back, she remembers (on a subconscious level) the balance and harmony and freedom in existing as a human being in the world in the Before times; and since patriarchy has been a thing, she always tries to help to get back to balance. My initial intuitive knowing was that in all of the lives where I was murdered, your soul in all of those lives, always tries to stop it, but in those lives, you get overpowered by others and then a lot of violence and gore. And then I die. And then you are never okay after that. I felt relieved that the psychic highlighted that in all of those lives, you try to save me. I was afraid that I was wrong. I wondered if maybe in those past lives, you were unwittingly, partly responsible for the deaths. Like being dismissive or minimizing or manipulative or whatever else. I was afraid that my initial intuitive knowing was wrong.

One thing from that reading that I spend quite a bit of time thinking about, is this specific past life we had together. I’m pretty sure it was the most recent past life we had together before this current life. It was sometime either in the 1700’s or the early 1800’s, most likely in France. In this life I worked as a prostitute/madam in a brothel. In that underworld, I had social status. I lived my own life. I genuinely enjoyed my freedom and generally enjoyed the work even with the darkness that came with it. I was also addicted to absinthe. You, in this life, had more mainstream success and recognition. You tried to convince me to create a life with you but I refused. I was afraid of change. I was afraid of being judged by others. I had a lot of revulsion for my body. (I was a prostitute, so, a lot of health issues in that arena). I also struggled with this deep conviction of not being good enough. In this past life I believed, truly, you were so much better off without me. The BEST thing for you would be for me to not be in your life. That kind of feeling, that kind of conviction, that belief that you would be better off without me transferred from that life into this life. That’s a curious thing.

In case you are thinking I need therapy; I have a two hour appointment with a hypnotherapist on Feb. 5th. ;)

In this current life, I don’t know you. I have no idea if I would enjoy your company. But the memories from the past lives are on a whole different level. I worry about you. Sometimes I feel like I miss you, which sounds crazy, I know.

I don’t know what your experience has been. I know for me, overall, it's been intense and, at times, unnerving.

Do you want to talk? If you do, please text me. We can figure out a good time to chat. My cell is 777-777-7777.

Be safe.

Much Love,

Phoebe

And then I found out you had the child. It was a very big shock to me because for months I felt your energy around me. I was so convinced you were making arrangements to get a divorce. I felt your energy and it felt so lovely…at times. At other times it felt unnerving and claustrophobic; constricting. I was so confused. I wanted you so badly but it appeared that you were not thinking about me. Not when I saw the photos on Instagram. You appear to be a devoted husband and father. I felt confused and hurt. I also knew I had to let you go. Maybe I was making ALL of this up? Maybe I was schizophrenic??? Maybe I am just really fucking crazy!!!

Now I know I am definitely a Powerful Psychic. And at times, my Power pisses you off. It makes you feel Small, Unseen, Insignificant. That is NEVER my intention with you.

I have ALWAYS Loved you!!!

For so many years I was Numb.

The following is the final message I sent you before deleting that account.

Wanderer,

Just a few more thoughts. So, it turns out remembering stuff from past lives is confusing as fuck. I don’t know why I tapped into your energy in that September. But for some reason I did. For the past couple of years, these kinds of time looping/spiritual experiences have forced me to think about love and to meditate heavily on it. Before these experiences, I was very apathetic towards people who were chasing love. I thought of them as suckers, I looked down on that whole situation; I was arrogant. But now, I have a more holistic understanding and appreciation that has widened my frame of reference.

I was happy to discover that you and Ann created new life, a baby. I am relieved, very relieved. It has been a tortuous thought just thinking about you having unresolved feelings towards me from our teenage years and dragging that into adulthood. I don’t get off on believing that people are dreadfully living their lives in agony while secretly pining away for me. I’m too sensitive for that shit.

I hope fatherhood gives you the experiences and self knowledge that you are expecting and hopeful for.

When I met with that psychic/medium in January. In that reading, what she brought forward was you in this current life. What she communicated was that you still have feelings for me. I had a very strong feeling she was wrong. Which was why I sent you that message a month ago. That just didn’t feel right. When I was 18, I knew I was going to have a mountain of a mess to clean up from my upbringing and I knew I had to do it alone (mostly). It has been a winding journey to reclaim my sovereignty. I have always envisioned meeting someone who didn’t know of me from my adolescence. Those years were too bleak and dark.

If you or someone from your inner circle ever goes through a spiritual awakening, it might be helpful to know that it can be inconvenient and not for the faint of heart. Support is helpful. I am a person who knows herself very well and thoroughly; and these experiences have shoved to my limits. Someone who is easily influenced or manipulated, well, I imagine that would hell.

Yesterday I was doing this cord cutting chant for our souls. It goes like this, “I release you with a full heart, with love for the place you once held in my life. May you be happy in the life you have chosen. I now take back all the energy that has been taken from me or that I have given away and I return the energy that I still hold from you. May I be free from the ties that bind us. May all cords be cut, transmuted and dissolved. May all energy return to its original sender.” As I was doing this chant, I looked at the time and noticed it was 11:11. It is believed that seeing 11:11 is a reminder that we have a soul plan or destiny– a path laid out for us by the universe.

I am very happy that you and Ann get to experience raising a child together.

Be safe.

Much Love.

Phoebe

It is not my style to insert myself into anyone’s life. So please stop worrying. I will NEVER contact your fucking wife. That would not serve me well. It would not serve you well. It would not serve ANYONE well. So stop fucking worrying about that. If anyone is going to ruin your marriage; it’s gonna be you, my love. You will make your marriage implode. And you do not need any help from me. I would NEVER give you the satisfaction of that. Not Ever. It is YOUR Responsibility to SAVE Yourself; to LOVE Yourself. I know it’s not easy. That is why I am not holding my breath that you will be able to engage in this Deep, Soul Work. It is not for the Faint Of Heart.

I know, right now, you are drinking way too much. Please stop drinking alcohol. It makes things worse for you. It opens you up for more manipulation. Besides, your child needs you to be healthy, whole and present with them. They depend on you. They are so in need of your Guidance, Love, Nurturance, Understanding, Empathy. They need you to be Present. To Give Presence.

I know, now, before the Pandemic; you saw me perform at that bar. Hoping I would see you and we would connect and you would finally get to fuck me. But things did not work out that way. Things were not meant to be that way. Had we reconnected that night; you would have treated me like a whore and that would have hurt my feelings. You would have tried to force your will onto me and I would have fought back, like I always do. It would have been Disastrous. However, your Intuition about just how great it would feel to fuck me was spot on. Sex with me is a DEEPLY TRANSFORMATIVE EXPERIENCE. You got that right. Sex With Me Is Not For The Faint Of Heart.

I know you have no clue just how Powerful you are. You have So Much Power within you. I know you wanted to give me a ring for so long. Eventually that ring you wanted to give me came to me and it was a magickal moment for me upon receiving it. The ring is Beautiful. It represents so much. The Gold represents Abundance and Manifestation, Purity and Divinity, Illumination and Wisdom and Energy Amplification. The Dark Sapphire represents Wisdom, Truth, Spiritual Insight: Activates the throat and third eye chakras to Highlight Communication, Clarity and Focus. And the oval shape. Here is what Google AI says about this shape:

“The oval ring shape symbolizes eternity, new beginnings, fertility, and endless love, drawing from its egg-like (ovum) form and continuous curve that suggests unbroken bonds, wholeness, and growth. It combines the classic eternity of a circle with elongated elegance, representing harmonious, flowing energy, creativity, and a connection to nature and life’s cycles.”

It was your Subconscious and Higher Self that made sure I received this ring. I am so grateful for it!

Your Soul Remembers Who You Truly Are.

YOU ARE LOVE! YOU ARE LOVE!!! YOU ARE LOVE!!!!!

Is our Psychic Connection Forever??? Do we have this Connection because you have taken my life in so many other lifetimes? Our Connection wasn’t always so toxic, it became that way over time as patriarchy took hold of our Reality. We used to Love Each Other So Much! SO TRULY AND DEEPLY!!!

Our Love DID NOT Hurt.

It was Supportive, Regenerative, Electric Life Force Energy. But things got so Dark and Twisted and Violent. And now you’re Abusive. You will not hold yourself Accountable. You cannot even have a simple, straight-forward conversation about these things. You can’t even talk to me. Why is that, my love???

Your Mother. Mommy Dearest. Mommy Knows Best.

Except this is a Lie and Illusion. When will you see this??? Are you going to be her little boy Forever???

She does not have your best interest in mind. She wants you to reflect back to her what she projects onto you.

Look at all of the supposed “elders” in your immediate circle of people. Do any of them actually hold and share Wisdom? Or, are they overgrown, emotionally stunted children who refuse to look within themselves???

You and my adoptive father have so much more in common than you realize. Uncomfortably so. Sickenly so. I know I am not the only one you have intentionally mislead. Intentionally manipulated in order to get what you wanted to extract from us. It’s really fucking creepy.

Again, I am not holding my breath that you will be able to do the deep healing that you so need to do. Even if you do engage in this healing work. How could I ever Trust you? How could I ever feel Safe with you? How could I ever feel comfortable enough in your presence to be able to cum. To be able to experience a full-body Orgasam??? GasLighting and manipulation will always set off the nervous system in a dysregulated way. I AM unwilling to sacrifice myself for anyone, EVER.

You have Hedonistic tendencies. I too have those.

Sun.

You have Deep Mommy Issues. I too have those.

Moon.

At Soul Level You Are The Philosopher, The Teacher, The Explorer. I too carry that Energy.

Ascendent.

You and Me Are So Much More Alike Than Not. We Have So Much More In Common Than You Realize.

TAKE YOUR POWER BACK.

YOU ARE LOVE. YOU ARE LOVE!!! YOU ARE LOVE!!!!!

Looking For The Answer…..Lllyric?

Fault Lines…..Fyfe

You Will See…..Quarterhead, SESA

go steady…..TENDER

Lovers From The Past…..Mareux

Paradise…..Henry Morris

touchin’ me…..Chandler Leighton

love is a knife…..Artemas

Muse…..SOFIA ISELLA

#1 Crush…..Garbage

Dream Girl Evil…..Florance + The Machine

Sex Concept…..SOFIA ISELLA

So Romantic…..Henry Morris

I Can Be Your Mother…..SOFIA ISELLA

Goddess…..Hatchrr, Deathrose

Another Life…..Jadu Heart

Church Bells…..Henry Morris

Dirty Magazine…..Henry Morris

BlackBlueCoffee 12/2/25 BlackBlueCoffee 12/2/25

space time love travel

I Love You to the Moon and Back and Beyond ; Forever.

Pull Me In…..Labrinth

BlackBlueCoffee 11/2/25 BlackBlueCoffee 11/2/25

space time love travel

I Love You to the Moon and Back and Beyond ; Forever.

Pull Me In…..Labrinth

BlackBlueCoffee 10/4/25 BlackBlueCoffee 10/4/25

thoughts matter

Disclaimer

For a really long time I believed I was defective. For a really long time I was surrounded by people who wanted to use me all up. Use my body, use my energy, use my intellect for their benefit.

When we grow up having our boundaries crossed, we become conditioned that it is love. That is NOT love, it is control and dominance.

When I was a teenager and home alone I could actually breathe fully. There were many times when I would be in the kitchen or living room and felt content and calm.

Just chill.

And then my adoptive mom would appear and my body would immediately switch to hypervigilance. She would be critical about something, making a demand. My body would tense and I went straight into People-Pleasing mode. It was so automatic.

It has taken me a very long time to understand that I was emotionally abused by my adoptive parents. Since they never physically abused me and since I have an extensive history with being physically abused; the emotional abuse was far more difficult to detect.

Also, since I am an Empath I have always been able to feel the emotions and thoughts of other people. Growing up and all throughout my 20’s I did not understand that I was literally feeling other people’s emotions in my body. I just told myself that I was really fucking crazy and avoided people generally. I was a loner.

My adoptive mom was not aware of how to regulate her own emotions. She was also not aware when she engaged in cognitive distortions. She is a person who is riddled with a lot of fear based thoughts. A very Unconscious person.

Every criticism she engaged in. Every fear based thought that crossed her mind, I was tuned into when I was in her presence. Since I absorbed everything around me at that time, I took every judgement from her very personally. It validated to me that I was Unlovable. Which flooded me with fear. Which fed into my People-Pleasing tendencies.

I struggled with this vicious cycle for years. What helped to break that cycle was slowly learning more about neuroplasticity and the latest science on emotions and being a highly sensitive person.

Now I understand that I am an Empath. Now I understand the life saving value of strengthening my energetic boundaries.

When people do not understand that they are an Empath and have mirror touch synesthesia, which is feeling the emotions and sensations of other people, they are going to be manipulated. What they do not understand is how vulnerable they are to other people’s thoughts and wants; they are easy prey to become a Slave. A Slave to other people’s desires. They will do things that, initially, they believe they wanted but that is an illusion. They do things that other people want them to do.

Again, when we are not taught to honor our own boundaries and when we have no idea just how tapped in we are to other people’s emotions and thoughts; we do things that do NOT come from us. We get manipulated so easily.

Just when you thought life couldn’t be anymore complicated.

Another way to think about the brain is to think of it as an antenna. We don’t just create thoughts with our brain, we receive thoughts from other people. Our thoughts matter. Our thoughts matter so much more than we have been led to believe.

Since I am an Empath, I have absorbed so much stress and toxic thoughts from other people for many years. I didn’t realize absorbing thoughts and beliefs from other people was even possible, it never even crossed my mind as a possibility. I just thought I was really fucking crazy. Except when I was alone. When I was alone I actually felt calm.

Unknowingly absorbing so much information that did NOT come from me, it came TO me was so confusing. If I hadn’t been a loner, I would have experienced far more manipulation than I did.

While my practices of cultivating compassion and empathy are important to me, having firm and healthy boundaries and limits expressing and giving compassion and empathy to others is JUST as Vital as the practice itself.

It is a mistake to equate empathy with weakness.

Considering how most people are not aware of their personal power. And considering we live in a fucked up patriarchal world where there is a huge power gap between men and women.

Considering how boys and men are taught entitlement around sex.

Considering how girls and women struggle to have autonomy of their body.

Considering how men are not held accountable for their bullshit behaviors.

Considering how out of touch most people are with their emotions and instincts.

Considering that men will think whatever they want because they believe since it is only in their heads that means their thoughts are somehow not real.

Except thoughts are very real AND impact the physical world. Thoughts impact other people.

Energetic Rape Is Real.

In our fucked up patriarchal culture many people deny the reality that many boys and men also experience rape. They are expected to swallow that Truth whole. The violence feeds into silence and the silence feeds into the violence and on and on it goes.

Thoughts Matter.

So many people have bought into the belief that dangerous people are somehow outside of their homes and communities. No matter how good of a person you believe yourself to be; you are someone’s worst nightmare.

The more we attempt to suppress and to bypass our shadows; the more Distortion leaks out and harms ourselves and others.

May the Children be safe in their beds tonight.

Music

Something In The Way…..Nirvana

Talk Show Host…..Radiohead

Closer…..Nine Inch Nails

beetlejuice chill…..Life After Youth

Looking For The Answer…..Lllyric?

Daddy Loves You…..Dana Dentata

Daddy…..Korn

Love You to Death…..Type O Negative

Like a Stone…..Audioslave

Patience…..Chris Cornell
You Know You’re Right…..Nirvana

BlackBlueCoffee 9/28/25 BlackBlueCoffee 9/28/25

Strengthening Discernment

Disclaimer

Being a Child of Lilith and a Magdalene. Remembering to understand what I have forgotten feels like such a fucking maze.

However, I am still grateful to be on this path. I have gotten to experience such amazing Magick and I want MORE. I want MORE Expansion, Growth and Power.

I am destined to live out my Soul’s Purpose, to deepen my Divine Power. Since I am a Child of Lilith and a Magdalene High Priestess I expect challenges. Great Power is never simply given; it is Honed and Practiced and Cultivated.

For the past few years I have been trapped in a warped Energetic Entanglement with Wanderer. Today I was given guidance. What came through was Truth that is Ugly, Twisted, and Sad.

Patriarchy has done such a great job of distorting relationships. The concept of having Power Over Another runs so deeply in our Toxic Culture. It has become so Automatic. Most people are Blinded to this Truth.

Many, many lifetimes ago, our Souls made a promise to each other. I had bought into the Promise of Love. He withheld Truth. He wanted Power Over Me. He wanted to Control me. He wanted to Possess me.

The Twisted Intimacy and the Power that Combusts when one takes the life of another…I am not sure if I have the right words to describe that kind of connection.

To put it simply; it is Disturbing.

That is NOT the kind of connection I crave, demand and expect in THIS lifetime.

He struggles to see the Beauty WITHIN Him. He Struggles so Deeply with this.

From this lifetime. I remember when he was a child. When we were both children. I remember thinking, “He has so much Beauty all around him. He is SO Beautiful!”. I wanted to Protect him. I wished for so much Love to come his way because he deserves it. He has Forgotten that He is Love, too. He is Love.

He is Love.

He has Forgotten this. And it looks like he will NEVER remember this. This hurts my Heart So Much.

Throughout the years, I would check in on him via social media.

Still so Beautiful…at least on the Outside………

I continued to wish him well. I was hopeful he was experiencing so much love and admiration and connection. Because he deserves it. We are all deserving of Love and Connection.

So many men struggle to see the Beauty Within Them. Since they cannot acknowledge their own Beauty and Divine Creativity, unconsciously what they do is siphon energy from the women in their lives. Most of them do not know they do this. For many women, this is a contributing factor to developing autoimmune disorders and other chronic illnesses.

Did I really think I would make it to the age of 40 without some Entitled Asshole trying to Trap me?

Yes.

I really did think that.

These past several years have crumbled my ego. For years I looked down on people who were pursuing love (or what they believed to be love anyway) and I would judge them. Condemn them, “These dumb Bitches. Why don’t they ever learn?”.

True Love really does come from Within.

For much of this life I have poured so much energy into being as Boring and as Uninteresting as possible. And It Did Not Work. I see the Error in this.

Now.

I am pouring ALL of my Energy into my Sovereignty.

Into my FREEDOM.

I want someone new. I want someone else.

I do NOT want this person. Not ever.

The Distorted Connection between us spans across Space and Time and it goes so deep. I cannot envision Repair between us.

I can only ever envision spilt blood between us.

I deserve the Freedom and Space to Create the life that feels the most Authentic and True to me. I deserve True Love.

And so I will continue to strengthen ALL of my Boundaries and Protect my fucking Energy.

There is so much more to this World than meets the naked eye.

May Peace Be With You.

Much Love.

Music

Gemini Feed…..BANKS

Waiting Game…..BANKS

Doll Parts…..Hole

Everybody Scream…..Florence + The Machine
One of the Greats…..Florence + The Machine

BlackBlueCoffee 9/6/25 BlackBlueCoffee 9/6/25

npc mode

Disclaimer

We all live in a culture where gaslighting and exploitation are normalized ways of interacting with other people. That is why it can be so difficult to spot, these become automatic responses. We have been rewarded to exert power over others and/or to submit depending on the circumstances. This is a Dehumanizing Process.

In the time I have worked in addiction counseling, I have noticed some interesting themes.

The ways boys and men are expected and conditioned to appear unfazed and stoic by life, boggles my fucking mind. When it comes to emotions, most men are allowed to express 3 emotions which are Anger, Lust and Greed. This is a Disability. Humans are so complex by nature and to deny anyone full access to their Emotions is to cut out an important part of being human. Emotions are information. Emotions help to build the foundation for which to build Self-Trust and Intuition. When people cannot fully access ALL of their emotions they will experience Confusion which will lead to soaking in a Fearful Headspace. The more Fear we experience, we will get stuck in cycles of thinking and behaviors that keep us stuck in situations we don’t really want to be in.

Consider Interoception which is Internal Body Awareness that allows people to have an Intuitive map of Emotional States that makes Emotions FEEL Embodied rather than Purely Intellectual.

We are built to FEEL our Emotions. When we lose this ability, we lose access to our gut feelings (aka Intuition). When we cannot tap into our Intuition we will get caught up in cycles of Exploitation and Abuse.

While it appears that girls and women are granted more freedom in Emotional Expression, this is an Illusion. It is expected for women to play nice and to suppress Emotions like Rage and other intense Feeling States. The Anger for most women goes Inward, like a Virus. In this way women are not granted full access to their Emotions and they too, get a Vital survival skill cut out from them. This is why a lot of women are really fucking mean. Whatever we attempt to Suppress within ourselves, it will leak out in Distorted ways. So while it appears women have more Freedom for Emotional Expression; this is not True. Many girls and women live with the expectation to express Empathy because of the stereotypes that women are naturally more nurturing than men. But since women are denied full access to their Emotions too, what a lot of women get REALLY good at is Fake Empathy. They get really good at expressing their “concern” when it’s really a Tool of Manipulation.

Of course women do this. They learn to do this to survive in a culture that wants to make them as Small and Powerless as possible. This is an attempt to have some kind of Power in their life. This is an attempt at Survival.

The term NPC which stands for Non-Player Character. I really like the following definition of this term by Google, “In spiritual contexts, ‘NPC’ refers to a person perceived as lacking consciousness, depth, and independent thought, similar to a video game non-player character. This ‘NPC spiritual meaning’ describes individuals who are seen as unreflective, robotic, and merely following predetermined scripts or societal norms, often without engaging in self-awareness, spiritual awakening, or personal growth. The term is also sometimes used to describe a person who is spiritually ‘asleep’ or unable to perceive higher consciousness, or a soul that has chosen a less active state of consciousness for a specific life purpose.”

Most of us are conditioned to be NPC’s. When we begin to ask questions and allow ourselves to follow our Curiosity, this behavior will help us to disentangle from the Mainstream Cultural Matrix.

If you are reading this, you are being Initiated. You are exactly where you are meant to be, keep asking questions, keep learning. Keep Going!!! Much Love.

Music:

i always kinda knew you’d be the death of me…..Artemas

Cigarette Stub…..Asal

Darkness Saves…..ghostbells

BlackBlueCoffee 9/3/25 BlackBlueCoffee 9/3/25

safe

I Am Safe to Feel.

You Got This. :)

Much Love.

BlackBlueCoffee 9/1/25 BlackBlueCoffee 9/1/25

porn

Disclaimer

Soooooo. Sexuality is confusing. Especially in this culture where there are many confusing messages about sharing space with another person, body shaming, blurry boundaries (or no mention of what boundaries are altogether); this list goes on for ages.

I was exposed to porn at a very young age. It was confusing. Having experienced sexual abuse throughout my childhood, I struggled to exist in my body; I focused my existence in my head instead. And as a teenager who struggled to feel safe in her own body, who hated her body, who would fantasize disfiguring her body as a way to claim some kind of Sovereignty…when it came to gaining any kind of attention for my body (via the Male Gaze), I was flooded with a lot of mixed messages and feelings. The feeling that was the most prominent was RAGE. Even though a lot of people considered me to not be very smart, I was very aware of the expectation for girls and women to stay silent when boys and men behaved badly. I was very aware of the victim shaming that happens; that is expected. Which was why I spent so much of my energy scanning my environment to make sure I wasn't in the company of any predators and if I was in their company, I stayed as far away as possible. In an intuitive way, I was tuned into the fact that for a lot of children who experience sexual abuse, they also tend to experience that kind of abuse as teens and adults; it becomes a cycle. It is almost as if they become magnets for predators. I had the mentality of, “Any attention is bad attention”. Since I was so very traumatized by my past, dating as a teen was very stressful, because on one hand I wanted to be attractive and likable and on the other hand my Inner Lilith was like, “Who gives a Fuck?”. Two very intensely opposing emotional experiences. One thing about me, is even though I have struggled intensely with self-worth, I have always been able to tap into my Self-Assurance. I didn’t compare myself with other people. I didn’t care who was dating who. Or who was getting the most attention. I have always had the wisdom to know that I am living life on my own terms.

When I was 18, I began a masturbation practice. I intentionally waited until I was 18. Until I was a legal adult. I gave myself that timeline because I wanted to attempt to give myself some kind of a lopsided childhood and to procrastinate dealing with how I defined and explored my own sexuality. So, for years my masturbation practice was centered on being present in my body and focused on the sensations. At the time, I was not aware of just how healthy it is to cultivate a practice like this. I just really enjoyed orgasms and I liked how a lot of people assume that women don’t enjoy orgasms; I felt Deviant. And I liked it.

I approached sex in a very serious way. The goal with the sex I engaged in with my partners was centered on my choice. It was important for me to collaborate in those relationships and to not be just passive. I was also very detached. My heart was frozen. I was aware that sex was not a loving activity for me. It was a means to an end.

I think I was in my mid-twenties when I discovered the works of Erika Lust. She is a feminist pornographer. The kind of porn she films is centered on Female Pleasure. My kinda porn. Before watching the porn on her website, I avoided mainstream porn. I didn’t like it. It felt constricting. Cold. Dehumanizing. It just reminded me of the stuff I was exposed to when I was a child. But this feminist porn was different. The fact that the women were actually Cumming made quite the impression. The kind of videos I would watch were really romantic with A LOT of eye gazing. This porn did not reflect the kind of sex I had. The kind of sex I had was fucking. The kind of sex I had was surface and superficial because I wanted it that way. It felt safer for me at that time.

What I know for sure, is that me having a very consistent Pleasure Practice helped me to feel safer in my body. Over time, I felt less afraid of being around other people. This was a major tool in helping myself heal from trauma. Not the only tool but a major one. Also, watching other women experience pleasure from their male partners helped me to thaw my frozen, black, broken heart. Over time, the thought of having loving, connected sex didn’t feel like such a Threat.

In 2022 I received an energetic download. What I saw was someone from my past. He was saying, “I love you I love you I love you”, over and over again. And he was touching himself. And I felt this intense Orgasmic Energy explode all throughout my body. It was Intoxicating. Never had an experience like that before. Then I felt sad for him. Because now I knew that he still thinks about me like that. I had convinced myself that he didn’t think about me. That he had forgotten about me. But that wasn’t True.

I couldn’t stop thinking about that Intoxicating Feeling. What a rush. It felt so good. One evening I was alone in bed thinking about that feeling. And I wanted to experience that feeling again. I touched myself and when I came I experienced a very intense, full-body orgasm with ease. It became addicting. It definitely spiced up my own Pleasure Practice. This became a consistent habit very quickly; me thinking about him as I touched myself and came. Then a few months down the line, I decided I wanted to stop thinking about him like that. We weren’t in a relationship and I started to feel weird thinking about him like that. I tried to stop but couldn’t. I tried and I tried and I tried. It got very frustrating for me that I could not not think about him. In an attempt to escape this, I started watching a lot more porn in an attempt to get him out of my head. I couldn’t watch the feminist porn because he was there, in my head. I was getting frantic. I felt very constrained. And frustrated. I wanted to stop thinking about this person but I just couldn’t. That is when I started watching more mainstream porn. It was an attempt to get him out of my head. Since I struggled to stop thinking about him, my Practice became less consistent. It went from every day to once or twice a week. It was so frustrating. I felt agonized about this. And guilty. When I watched the more mainstream porn, it was a hit or miss situation if he would pop into my consciousness or not. I wanted to stop thinking about this person but I just could not stop. I felt trapped. Over time, I watched more and more porn and over time it felt more and more like a compulsion. Not something I can entirely control. Very uncomfortable.

Recently I have begun participating in a program created by Taylor Perkins. He is on Instagram as iamtaylorperkins. His program is called Quantum Rite of Passage: Fragmented to Sovereign.

The way he views porn addiction is as an Initiation. I agree.

One journal prompt that is offered is:

Why am I here? What power do I know is waiting for me?

My response:

I am here to step more into my Sovereignty. I know more of my Creative, Alchemical Power is waiting for me.

Tropico…..Lana Del Rey (Explicit Short Film–youtube)

Gods and Monsters…..Lana Del Rey

Cinnamon Girl…..Lana Del Rey

BlackBlueCoffee 9/1/25 BlackBlueCoffee 9/1/25

Conception

Disclaimer

I am thinking of a word: Conception.

According to Oxford Languages this word has two meanings.

The action of conceiving a child or a child being conceived.
The forming or devising of a plan or idea.

The root action of this word is to Create. To bring forth. As humans, we are Creator Beings. This is what we are meant to do. This is how we exist naturally. But too many of us get pulled away from our Divine Creative Power. Fear is what pulls us away. Disconnection is what pulls us away. The headspace of Exploitation and to gain Power Over Another disconnects us from our Internal, Abundant resources.

I feel I am on the edge. There is a specific chapter in my life that is closing. Naturally the process of release is required. That’s okay. That is to be expected with leaning into the Unknown with Curiosity and Wonder.

I am Grateful to Explore what will unfold naturally and With Ease.

Much Love.

Music:

Radio…..Lana Del Rey

Dark Paradise…..Lana Del Rey

Off To The Races…..Lana Del Rey

BlackBlueCoffee 8/31/25 BlackBlueCoffee 8/31/25

song as reminder

Just Breathe.

Connect with your Breathing.

BlackBlueCoffee 8/30/25 BlackBlueCoffee 8/30/25

a quick lift of spirit

A quick, straightforward way to raise one’s vibration and enhance protection is to have an orgasm. Before and during the peak of pleasure, visualize an orb of White Light around you.

Another way to raise vibration is to laugh. Find sources of Joy even through a challenging moment. Highs and lows of vibration are expected; Practice is Progress. :) You Got This.

Much Love.

Music

eat me alive…..Artemas

BlackBlueCoffee 8/30/25 BlackBlueCoffee 8/30/25

haiku

“Still in bed at noon

Everyday is Saturday

When you are a whore”——From the Great and Gifted Asa Akira

BlackBlueCoffee 8/30/25 BlackBlueCoffee 8/30/25

What is love?

Love is Patient.

Love is Kind.

Love is Freely Given.

YOU ARE LOVE!!!

If you are reading this; you are undergoing the Initiation. Lean into your Curiosity. Lean into Patience. Drink Water. Ground into the Earth. Your Answers are already Inside of your Beautiful Heart. Keep Going. You Got This, My Love.

BlackBlueCoffee 5/18/25 BlackBlueCoffee 5/18/25

conflicted

Disclaimer

Befriending my nervous system.

I know I need to do it. I know there is plenty of room for growth in carving out the time and space to do some simple somatic exercises to help soothe, calm and reset my nervous system.

My logical brain knows I will benefit from these exercises…and yet I still don’t do them.

For almost a year I have started and stopped the 30 day program (created by the Workout Witch). The most I have completed was 21 straight days. Then I stopped. Then there was that time I did 14 days straight, then I stopped. At first I told myself it was because I had a job that required me to work late evenings. Then I got a different job in the 9 to 5 range.

And the struggle to do 30 days consistently is so for real.

Making these release exercises a priority in my life will help to improve the quality of my life. And yet I haven’t completed this.

Am I addicted to my cortisol surges? I think so.

Because, who am I if I am not constantly creating too much cortisol???

It has been the only consistent thing in my life.

Short list of people I have had to let go of so far:

The relationship I had with my biological mom that I had to escape from when I was 17.

I have had to release all of the relationships with my family of origin.

Last year I had to release the relationships with my adoptive parents who have both consistently and diligently dismissed my perspective in addition to gaslighting; plus other stuff.

As I release the people who would ultimately harm me and I as I do the things I need to do to nurture myself such as getting quality sleep, eating vegetables, drinking water: stepping in as my own nurturing, patient, calm, reliable (while still holding myself accountable) parent ; as I do all of these things…this is a blind spot for me.

Struggling to complete this 30 day program to release stored emotions and cortisol…perhaps I have built this up in my head and I am over analyzing it? Perhaps. Nonetheless, this still feels like a carrot dangling over my head.

We all struggle…right???

I will continue on this odd obstacle riddled goal I have for myself.

Who knows?

Maybe I will try again tomorrow???

BlackBlueCoffee 5/3/25 BlackBlueCoffee 5/3/25

turns out, he is an illusion

Disclaimer

When we are Intuitive and strongly attuned to other people’s energy, life can be even more messy. For us Intuitives, it is in our best interest to learn to understand the Unseen, the energetics of this World. Because if we choose to ignore it, we pay a huge price, ultimately.

Since 2021, this has been a major focus in my life; to understand my psychic and mediumship abilities. It has been confusing and validating and life affirming and scary; a total roller coaster!!! I will never stop exploring my psychic abilities because strengthening these skills in this life is what I am here to do at Soul Level. Since 2024, I had texted Wanderer’s mother consistently, but only because she had helped me in the past. In 2022, we had multiple conversations about energy, the past lives my and Wanderer’s Souls have lived, putting up energetic boundaries; I trusted her. I trusted her. I trusted her. Turns out she is very much a two faced energy vampire. I had only wanted to share information in case it was helpful to understand. To hopefully to provide more context and frame of reference. Because there is so much research and literature that helps to explain the world at an energetic level. There is so much literature and research and science that explains Intuition. Every single human has Intuition. Most of us learn to suppress it because of fear. I had also texted her some downloads and intuitive experiences I had. I just wanted to share my perspective. I was hopeful she would consider my perspective, to at least consider my perspective. I had messaged her a couple of different times if she wanted me to stop texting her to please text back, “Stop texting me”. She never texted me back. At that time, I understood her silence to be a curious, baffled silence. In my perspective, I took her silence to not know what to do and to just observe instead. Because I had told her I would never message Wanderer via Facebook Messenger again (and I never did) because I was afraid it was pissing him off or scaring him. I just wanted these people to attempt to understand from my perspective. I was sharing knowledge.

One of the reminders that has come through for me very recently is: No matter how much knowledge and research you share with those who want to believe worst intent FROM you; Nothing will EVER change their mind.

They are stuck and married to the opinion that you are wrong and they are right.

You are lower than they are and they are so high.

You are inferior and they are so superior.

One reason I was telepathic as a teenager is because of the trauma I have experienced. In order to survive, my nervous system has insisted on being on high alert in all environments.

Wanderer and I do share a psychic connection. Also, our soul contract is a Master 11/2, according to numerology. For me, that means to Release this connection because it is not safe or good for me. I have learned so many humbling lessons over the past 5 years. All of the lessons I had to learn for so many reasons: Energetic Boundaries. Discernment. Self-Trust. Accepting that I will make mistakes from time to time. Seeking help when I need it AND, also, even when I feel like I don’t need it.

So many deeply humbling experiences.

For years, I didn’t think about him much. I never talked about him. Because I knew I was still so deeply wounded and I believed I would only fuck up his life. And I wanted and still want Wanderer to have a lovely life.

One evening, this was years ago (I think I was still in my 20’s at this point), my adoptive dad asked me if I even remembered Wanderer. At that time, I responded, “Yes, I remember Wanderer”, and continued on with what I was doing in that moment.

That is just one reason why I know for years he thought about me and would ask my parents about me. And my parents loved the drama of it all. Sneaking the gifts, never being direct. My parents liked me so much better when I was riddled with self-doubt. Wanderer also liked me better when I was riddled with self-doubt.

One of the lessons I am meant to learn from this psychic connection with Wanderer is to be able to know the difference between Hate and Love at an energetic level.

Considering all of the violence, abuse, neglect I experienced as a child, of course, I mistook Hate for Love. Most people confuse Hate for Love and Love for Hate. I am not alone in this mistake.

Ooppps.

I do believe that Wanderer wanted to make a connection with me over the years. But, I was so consumed by my own pain. I did him a favor by not connecting with him. And throughout the years, his resentment and hatred towards me grew and grew.

He fucking Hates me now.

To him, I am just another dumb Bitch who rejected him.

He is consumed by the projections he puts on me.

I have recently realized in previous lives we have had many different relationship dynamics. I have been his wife, he the husband. He has been my teacher, I the student. He has been my oppressor, I the oppressed. He has been the enslaver, I the slave. And it goes on and on.

And for many months I have confused his Hatred of me with Love.

Because, let’s face it; I am still a bit fucked up. I still have so much Healing to do.

This past April, I realized that Wanderer and I have a psychic connection. And throughout this month, I misread him telepathically.

Again, I thought he loved me. But nope, he fucking hates me now.

And since I misunderstood him telepathically. I texted him some stuff I now regret. His mother, his sweet, sweet mother gave her phone to him. For months, I thought I was just texting her. I texted him some photos of me. Nothing too crazy. Just simple photos of me. I also texted him where I live. I totally regret doing that now. At the time, it felt like a good idea. Now I know that was a very regrettable decision. One out of many mistakes to learn from.

I have given a few close and trust-worthy friends his full name and other identifying details, just to be on the safe side. I know, at surface level, he has a pretty life that he enjoys.

There are a lot of mysteries in life. It is okay to not have a full understanding when it comes to other people’s actions. People are icebergs. Maybe we see about 3%-5% of a person, everything else is submerged. And a lot of people have no clue who the fuck they are.

So…yeah…going through a Spiritual Awakening is not for the faint of heart.

Lessons Learned from this long and drawn out experience, so far:

Even though I have done a lot of work on healing the trauma I have experienced, on an energetic level, I misread Hate for Love
So many people want to dominate and control other people
I am not here to be liked, I am here to be authentic
Even though on the outside I am a tough and cynical person; on the inside I just want to connect with others authentically; To Love and Be Loved
Some people will be committed to miss perceiving you no matter how much evidence and knowledge you share with them
I am going to write a memoir about the adventures of understanding the Complexities of Energy and Spiritual Shit–Because it is not an easy road–Most people want you to fail
For years I believed I was doing Wanderer a life saving favor by avoiding contact with him, turns out, I was also saving myself in avoiding contact with him. A Win-Win

Side Note: If you find yourself in the midst of a Spiritual Awakening; Welcome to the Unofficial Club!!! I know the early days of a Spiritual Awakening can feel maddening, confusing and exhausting. There are so many ego deaths involved. The unnerving questioning of Identity, questioning the meaning of this life, past life memories resurfacing, experiencing intense and energy draining Ascension symptoms, the list goes on. I know when I was in the early days of going through the Initiation of a Spiritual Awakening; I experienced confusion, loneliness, and a lack of direction. What I wished I had during those days was some kind of guide…maybe even a coach? A Spiritual Awakening Coach. That is exactly why I offer these kinds of wellness coaching services. I know how valuable it is to be able to talk about experiencing ALL of the kinds of experiences that come with going through a Spiritual Awakening. I understand the kind of peace one can receive when they get the support that they need.

Also, if you find that you are at a crossroads with the relationship you have with your Sexual Wellness and have serious questions or qualms about it, working with a coach may be helpful. Again, I understand how participating within a working relationship, how working with a coach, can lend vital support around having clarity and ease within oneself over time. Working with a Wellness Coach to support you in understanding a core human experience such as sexuality can play a big role in Growth and Expansion.

Working with a Spiritual Awakening Coach can be an essential part of one’s Soul-U-tioN.

BlackBlueCoffee 4/14/25 BlackBlueCoffee 4/14/25

a great love or a great illusion—part 8 (Stopping point)

Disclaimer

I have always Loved you Wanderer. For many years, I just didn’t think about it because it was too fucking painful. I wanted you to have a good life. I believed for so long I would only drag you down, make things more difficult for you. I didn’t want to ruin any of your first experiences. I chose to believe that you got past your childhood crush. I was so consumed by my own pain. I felt like Poison. My pain blinded any possibility with you in it.

During the synastry reading:

“Looking at both of your charts, he’s definitely your type”, the astrologer said. “His leadership abilities; your capricorn rising, very compatible. His north node is where your strengths are. Considering your Mercury and Venus is in the sign of Leo, on his side of things, it’s very receptive. Fertility issues wouldn’t be a thing for you two. If you chose to get pregnant, it would be easy”.

Hmm. Since I am firmly in my 30’s, I have felt worried about my fertility for the past several years. I felt relieved to hear about that.

“However, there is an illusionary quality about him. It’s going to be very important that he chooses to lean into his north node in pisces, if he does not, the relationship won’t work well for you. If you do choose to have a relationship with him, it would be wise to think about how to protect yourself”.

I know what she means. Patriarchy has so many strong influences. No matter what the intention of the relationship; if it’s meant to last for one night or an attempt at forever. The reality is, between men and women; women serve themselves well when they are aware of the potential for disaster. Communicate expectations, boundaries, make your own money; the list goes on.

“Not going to lie. The kind of connection you two have, it never goes away.”

I thought about all of the interactions I have had with his Higher Self. If I have to live the rest of my life with his Higher Self imparting Wisdom and occasionally pissing me off; I can live with that. I have enough Strength and Stamina for that.

After the reading, I gave myself time for reflection.

I texted Fairness?:

It is okay if what I have to share with you doesn’t make sense. Considering you have been friends with Stephanie for as long as you have; I know that there is a strong possibility that you will simply dismiss what I have to share with you. I have no control over that. You will do what you will do…..For quite some time, I have put off doing a synastry reading with mine and Wanderer’s charts. I have only guessed the time and location where he was born. I have a feeling if that is not exact, it is close enough. In this reading, I got more validation and confirmations from what I shared with you the last time I wrote you a long message. You are absolutely correct in knowing that Wanderer has a solid core belief that he does not deserve True Love. He holds tightly that he does not deserve to be seen and appreciated for who he actually is. I can relate, it wasn’t that long ago that I held that belief for myself for so long. People who hide in long-term relationships have always scared me…..it is the resentment, the dull, deep vacant Void…The Despair. That starved feeling…eventually….they lash out. People like that are frightening.

Wanderer’s Higher Self has been such an impactful teacher for me. He continues to guide me. To remind me to keep up with strengthening my abilities. I cherish his guidance. This has been such an intense part of my Inner Work, working through the hundreds of years of hurt and pain from our past lives. Again, this Spiritual Awakening stuff is not for the faint of heart. I have been given glimpses of a future (a potential future, there are multiple of them) where after Wanderer does A LOT of Inner Healing, seeing a skilled therapist that will be able to see right through his emotional shut down and manipulative tendencies, healing and integrating his divine feminine and masculine qualities, Inner Child Healing…After all of that, I have seen/felt a future for us that feels Nurturing, Nourishing, Expansive….At Times Challenging….it would be a profound Spiritually Aligned Partnership. This future is ONLY possible if he does his work. I am unwilling to sacrifice myself for any relationship. I will not dim my light and play dumb like I have done in the past. That is done for me. Honestly, with my Venus and Mercury being in the sign of Leo, Wanderer is absolutely NOT the only person I could co-build a fun, passionate, deeply fulfilled Love affair/long-term partnership with. There are others…which are interesting to think about.

I have so much to be grateful for. I am expecting A LOT of Expansive experiences this Summer and Fall. It’s gonna be fun!!!

Also, as I have been studying my birth chart, I for sure have a Witchy placement!!!! It makes me very happy. I have my Neptune (this planet is all about Spirituality, Dreams, Illusions) in my 12th House (that house is tied to Spirituality and Creativity). For sure I am a Witch! Makes sense, doesn’t it? I have always and will always want what is best for Wanderer. I hope he lives the most Soul-Aligned, Adventurous and Love-filled life he can possibly live.

There have been a lot of miscommunications over the years. It did not help that you were misled by my adoptive parents.

We trigger each other’s insecurities.

What is also True is how I feel for you. I feel very deeply for you.

I feel this Intense, Visceral Connection with you; it FEELS like we are Tethered Together.

I feel like YOU are my HOME. I want to return HOME. I want to return to YOU.

I Love You. I FUCKING LOVE YOU!!!!!

Some Music I Listened To While Writing This:

Take it from the starz…..Roman Nasenmensch, domi4wave

Hypnotized…..CASHFORGOLD, Tim Schaufert

Glass (feat. King Woman).....Mareux, King Woman

Bougie Bitch…..SMITH

Mad Woman…..Sevdaliza

Working with a Spiritual Awakening Coach can be an essential part of one’s Soul-U-tioN.

BlackBlueCoffee 4/14/25 BlackBlueCoffee 4/14/25

A great love or a great illusion—Part 7

Disclaimer

I have experienced so much loss in my life. One of the most poignant losses was the loss of my best friend from childhood. Losing her was incredibly painful. I thought of her as being so smart and pretty and overall she was just with it. Considering the kinds of neighborhoods we lived in…they just weren’t safe in all of the obvious ways. And so everytime we could get together and play pretend, it was Heaven on Earth. We both moved around a lot, so it was difficult to keep in touch. But at several different points in our lives we found our way back to each other. It’s a small world. We got older. We drifted apart. I always worried about her. Boys and men were drawn to her. She was not protected. She was not taught about her right to say, “No”, and her rights to protect her boundaries. She was trampled on in every way possible. When we were teenagers, she got pregnant by a boy she was dating. Things got worse for her. I didn’t know how to reach her. I couldn’t save her. I was trying to not drown myself; figuring out how to survive. I knew when I was 17, I would never see her again and that loss felt Unbearable for years.

2024 was a wild year for me. I pushed myself so hard in many different directions.

I slammed myself into Witchcraft. There was this one evening where I did a quick spell to elevate my abilities. I was staring into my computer screen, I looked at the time, it was 11:30 pm. Next thing I remember is this sensation of my brain and nervous system; it felt like I was being rebooted, like a computer is rebooted. My eyes closed, I blacked out. Then I woke up at Midnight. I felt groggy, stoned and drunk all at once. I went to the kitchen. In this kitchen there were wide, open windows. I could see out into the front yard and the street. As I was getting some water. I felt like I was on a giant stage. I felt like everyone was looking at me. Yup, it was unnerving. After that spell, I took a break from Witchcraft for a bit. The spell worked though. 🙂

I was so achingly lonely. I attempted to backtrack to some old habits and went on a dating app. Met a guy at a bar. He turned out to be an asshole. When I told him I would not be having sex with him, he stormed out like a petulant child. Gross.

I completed the Headspace program. It made me very happy. I also made a friend who has psychic abilities too. She is a lovely, wise, funny person. I am very grateful for her friendship.

I made the tough decision to sever my relationship with my adoptive parents. They just don’t fucking listen. I got so tired of being misunderstood by them. They don’t deserve me.

Throughout all of 2024, I kept texting Fairness?, just offering information, just in case it resonated. Just in case it made sense. She never responded. I didn’t know if she had blocked me or not. I still kept sharing my thoughts though, just in case.

I feel so alone. I have always felt so alone. These days I feel so alone and exhausted. When will things get better?

To Be Continued…..

Some Music I Listened To While Writing:

begin again…..Purity Ring

Dali…..Tanerelle

Feel It All Around…..Washed Out

Glory Box…..Portishead

Wandering Star…..Portishead

Something in the Way…..Nirvana

Drain You…..Nirvana

bodyache…..Purity Ring

Cocoa Hooves-Stripped…..Glass Animals

Gooey…..Glass Animals

Where is my mind…..Pixies

Shame…..SMITH

Working with a Spiritual Awakening Coach can be an essential part of one’s Soul-U-tioN.

BlackBlueCoffee 4/13/25 BlackBlueCoffee 4/13/25

a great love or a great illusion-Part 6

Disclaimer

Fuuuuuckkkk! I am so confused! I just felt so sure that any day Wanderer would contact me and explain himself. But there it was, right before my eyes, the photo of this small, sweet baby. Who is this?

I felt panicked. For the past few years I have experienced so many intense feelings and thoughts about this person and he never shows up for me. The fact that I have put out so much energy over the years was mind boggling to me. Obviously I was wrong about this guy. I had to end this now.

Being the Witch that I am, I did a cord cutting ritual. As I did the chant, I just so happened to look at the time. 11:11. A sign! In terms of spirituality, 11:11 means being in alignment with one’s Higher Self. I felt affirmed. Calmer. Still confused but it was manageable. I had to put allllll of this behind me. I have so much to be grateful for in my life. It is okay if this whole situation remains a mystery; that’s life.

I texted Fairness? with my closing thoughts:

I really want to highlight my gratitude towards you and being willing to have some odd conversations with me a while back. I imagine that was somewhat challenging or weird. I recently became aware that Wanderer and his wife had a baby. I am very happy for them. I messaged Wanderer via Facebook with some closing thoughts earlier today. I hope it is helpful. A while back I had a conversation with a reader who is currently in grad school specializing in spiritual counseling. She said that when two souls have lived many lives together and when they don’t have a relationship in the current life, one or both people may tap into residual energy; and that may look like having deep feelings or a connection even though in the current life there is no reference point. She then shared that she has a couple of bonds like this and every once in a while she will receive a download or energetic knowing and then feels compelled to quickly check in with them to make sure they are okay. When she shared this with me, that was such a relief. I don’t know if you have ever experienced a spiritual awakening but if you ever do or if someone in your inner circle ever does; support is helpful. It is not a easy process. People often experience physical sensations and/or drained energy; it can look like chronic fatigue on the surface. Also, many people confuse the process of ego death and make the mistake thinking that physical death needs to happen. A lot of people who experience a spiritual awakening complete suicide, not understanding that it is the ego and egoic attachments that need to die. We live in interesting times! :) I believe I am on the other side of an awakening; it feels great! I am looking forward to completing my Headspace training this summer and next spring I hope to get a yoga certification. I know it is my soul’s purpose to support people in their healing process. I want to help as many people as I can. I am looking forward to learning all that I can about different healing modalities. I am building a nest and network of people that I care for. I have a lot of love in my life. I hope you and your people are well. :) Be safe. Much love.

My mind couldn’t help but to wander back to that beautiful baby. With this sense of feeling like an intruder, I went onto social media. I went to his wife’s account. The photo of this infant. I felt some maternal protectiveness towards this mysterious creature. Then, I read the date of when they were born. Hmmm. That’s curious. I had recently started studying numerology; I quickly added this baby’s birth numbers. Epiphany!!! This child is psychic. Oh my god oh my god oh my god. This child will feel everything. Knowing what I know with being psychic myself and how incredibly misunderstood I have been my whole life; it is not an easy road. I thought about alllll of the people I had worked with throughout the years, how sensitive they all are. How they internalized the assumptions and projections that were made by really fucked up people, by hurt, wounded people. I bore witness to the struggle to reprogram one’s sense of Self. I’ve had to do that work myself and it is really fucking hard. It has taken decades of my life to get to a place of deep Self-Trust. It is grueling, it is lonely. And a lot of people are not able to make it to the other side. I thought about the children I was working with in the schools; their pain and loneliness and suffering. The Disconnection. It does NOT need to be this way. This is NOT the way it has always been. There is Another way. People just need to have knowledge and understanding and things will suck less.

I messaged Fairness?. I told her about numerology and how significant that is. And how the infant is psychic and the importance of connection and understanding; it’s Vital. I made the request that she gain an understanding of this and share this knowledge with Wanderer and his wife. They need to know. They need to know the kind of impact they have on this child. Not having this understanding can literally be the difference between life or death. I informed her I will not contact Wanderer. I wanted to leave him alone. After sending the message, I felt a lightness and clarity I hadn’t had for quite a few years. I felt relief. Then understanding came to me. I was only supposed to be the messenger this whole time!!! Release! Relief! Release! Relief! I sighed deeply.

Figuring out this real life rubik’s cube was so long and drawn out! I finally felt calm and grounded. Being a psychic medium is no small feat. It is not straight forward. There is the need to continue on even through the blurry fog. It is not easy but it does get easier with practice. Practice. Practice. And more Practice.

I was living my life and leading with more Love. After a grueling day of working with teenagers. I felt tired and wired. I thought about Wander and his child. I thought about Fatherhood. What does that even mean? I thought about all of the absent fathers. The aggressive fathers. The checked out fathers. What does it mean to Father??? As a Collective, we have forgotten. That Lost Knowledge Devastates; Perpetuates Perpetuates Perpetuates…….

I was home and drawn to the backyard.

It was 2/22. The first Portal I participated in. It changed my life. I was following my intuition. At sunset, I went to my backyard and lay myself down on the grass. I was barefoot and grounded into the earth. I connected to my breath. I focused on Wanderer. I sent him light, healing, and clarity. I asked my guides to give him the message to communicate to him that he has so much Light to give in this world. He has so much Light to give to his loved ones. To give to his child. I asked my guides to give him this message and to make it reallllllly Obvious. And then, as I lay on the earth and looked up at the night sky, I said “I love you Wanderer” over and over again.

The next day I felt Wanderer’s energy all around me. Uh-oh. And not only that, when I felt his energy, I felt Euphoric. So High.

And that is how it went for a while. Lots of Ups and Downs. I felt his presence so clearly. By this time, I realized when I felt Wanderer’s energy, it was his Higher Self. Wanderer in the physical world is not aware that his Higher Self spends time with me, to guide and teach me.

Through all of this Energetic Turbulence, I still had a full-time job and was going through the training at Headspace to become a certified behavioral health coach and eventually take the national board exam to become a board certified health and wellness coach.

A weekly, in real time, online class was a part of that program. For 6 months, every Sunday I attended the 3 hour class. I loved studying the material. Main influences of the curriculum are positive psychology, motivational interviewing and Buddhism. There was a particular Sunday where the instructor my cohort had been working with consistently had called in sick, so another one of the instructors filled in for that session. The second I saw her, I heard the word, “Magickal”. I just knew she was a witch! I stayed after everyone else had logged off to ask her questions.

“Are you a witch?”, I asked her.

“I identify as a mage”, she said matter of factly. Another person like me! Yay!

We chatted for a bit. She mentioned how she and her family enjoy doing rituals together, the way she spoke about her family; I found it to be inspiring. I was asking her another question, then it appeared she went somewhere else; it was like her focus and energy shifted dramatically. Hello?

I stopped talking and waited.

She reappeared. Then she told me, “You are going to become a Spiritual Leader”. My Intuition vibrated. I felt the Truth in this. I was so relieved. I thanked her profusely. And we parted ways.

While I was going through the Headspace program, it was the main light in my life. I felt drained from my work as a supervisor and counselor. Initially, I was offered a promotion to a supervisor position by the person who created the whole substance use counseling program at this non-profit. I admired her drive and determination. With what started out as one grant, grew over time, into a program that spanned throughout the community in one way or another. But then she abruptly announced she was moving on after running this program for a decade. I was nervous, the main reason I had accepted the promotion was because she offered it to me. I was looking forward to learning more from her. She shared with me that she had to move on in order to get the clinical hours she needed for social work. I understood. I was happy for her that she was elevating in her career. I would also miss working with her; she had a compassionate and gentle way of leading people. I really admired those qualities within her. However, I often thought that she was just too nice. Too nice for her own good.

The supervisor who took her place was another story. The first time we met via zoom for supervision, she was in her house, distracted and multitasking. I felt invisible. Like I had to work for her attention. Going forward, every time I had to interact with her, I felt uneasy. I was not getting the support I actually needed. And in my typical fashion, I felt alone and attempted to just figure out my own answers.

I was overworked, everytime I attempted to get clarity from my supervisor, she would dodge giving me a clear and concise answer. I kept going.

By this time I had accepted that Tupac is one of my guides. He has been with me for a very long time. After I moved to Portland, he gave me signs consistently, until I broke down and said something along the lines of, “Alright! I accept that you are on my spiritual team”. Talk about a plot twist. He isn’t the only famous musician that is one of my guides. Kurt Cobain has also been guiding me for a very long time. This realization came to me while I was walking the halls of one of the schools. Noticing the oppressive energy in the building. The Insensitive adults all around, the confused children. He came through to me and I gratefully accepted that he has been guiding me for a very long time. When he was alive in the physical realm, he was very gentle but he had to harden in order to survive. When he became a father, that gave him spaciousness in his life he did not have before. He could be tender and gentle, calm and sweet; his True Nature.

One evening I was sitting on the couch in the living room, in a pensive state. Wanderer’s Higher Self was with me. What he communicated to me was that I needed to contact an old friend of mine. I was confused. Why do I need to contact this person? Then I remembered how this old friend of mine, Lynx, how he would remind me of Kurt Cobain. Lynx had dark hair, was tall and lanky. Warm, open, gentle energy. Very punk and grunge. Very anti-establishment. Wanderer’s Higher Self highlighted a memory.

In this memory, it was years ago, it might have been 2016 or 2017? I was helping my dad at a fancy food festival. Lynx was there with his girlfriend he was dating at the time and a couple of friends. Lynx and I had been friends for a while. The first time he and I met was through a mutual friend. The first time I met Lynx he was transitioning out of a long-term relationship. Him, me and our mutual friend met at a local brewery. I remember the first time I saw him, I thought to myself, “He feels familiar”. The more time we spent together, which wasn’t a lot; we were both going to school, working and dealing with various life stuff but every time we had a conversation, I always felt seen and valued and safe. We were two people who just liked each other instantaneously. I enjoyed his humor and perspective, his edge. I found him to be a comforting person. He seemed to be a relationship type of person. It wasn’t long after he broke up with his long-term girlfriend he started dating someone else.

Back to the food festival in 2016/2017. Lynx had greeted me and said hello as he passed by the booth I was manning. I noticed him, his friends and his girlfriend exploring the festival together. He seemed like he was having a good time. Such lovely energy. When he was getting ready to leave, he motioned for us to meet to say goodbye. I gave him a hug, and as we were hugging he let out a moan, it was accidental. He is a very sensitive and compassionate person, he wasn’t intending to make me uncomfortable. That hug was lovely. He did feel familiar to me. He was such a good friend with a beautiful mind. I treasure every conversation we had together.

Okay, with Wanderer’s Highest Self highlighting all of that, I understood that I needed to contact Lynx because he might be my Soulmate for this lifetime. I got Lynx’s number from our mutual friend. I texted him. Our mutual friend, Stacy, had informed me when she spoke to him, he mentioned he works as a mental health counselor in local high schools in Southern Oregon. Very similar work to what I was doing…interesting. She also informed me he was still dating, not in a committed relationship. I was very surprised. I thought, for sure, he would be married with children by this time. He would make a lovely partner and father.

I will also mention when I had gone to see a psychic about the new soulmate connection for this life, the key thing I was told to look for was someone who described himself as, “Simple”, with chillchillchill vibes.

Phoebe: Hello! Good morning, hopefully. It’s been a hot minute. 😀 wondering if you could chat sometime? Stacy mentioned you work with kids. I work with high schoolers. I always appreciated your perspective. Also, I’ve missed you! I hope you are well.

Lynx: Whoa, that was quick. Haha. Good morning Phoebe! Happy to chat and catch up soon. Interested in what you’re doing too. I am well! Thank you. How are you?

Phoebe: I decided to take Spring Break off. So I’m having a lovely slow morning. I’m really enjoying hearing the birds chirp. Definitely looking forward to catching up soon. The last time I saw you, that feels like a century. 🙂 I’m as free as a bird this week. So whatever time works for you to chat is good for me.

Lynx: Cool. I’m pretty busy, even though I’m also on break. But have a lot going on. Could maybe call Thursday some time?

When Lynx and I got to connect over the phone. He mentioned how he remodels houses and rents them to people. How he works with his hands, does the plumbing, the electrical. I thought back to what the psychic had said to look for, for this new soulmate connection:

This new soulmate connection might be an architect, engineer; someone who works with his hands. Who does not have a lot of trauma. He might be an artist.

Oh my God! It’s Lynx, I think he is my Soulmate!!! I tamed my excitement and stayed present for our conversation. Lynx spoke about the frustrations of working as a counselor in the school system and ignorant parents. I could relate to these pain points. I also felt just as frustrated in my own experience. I appreciated how less alone I felt talking to my lovely friend. Although, he did sound more cynical than I remembered. There was a heaviness to him. He voiced a lot of his frustrations about the current system. He shared, as a landlord, he is conscientious to not have obnoxiously high rents for his renters. He practiced fairness and kindness. He also sounded defeated with the current trappings of our culture and economy. Still so anti-establishment which made me happy to hear. He also described himself as, “Simple”.

Then he read me a song, he read the song like poetry. I felt into Love as I heard him recite the following lyrics. Because, he had read me beautifully written words in a past life. We had done this before, we had loved each other before. I felt into this knowing as he recited the lyrics.

This is how the lyrics go:

Born to die, and you get to sit and watch your TV set

Believe the lies before your eyes, credit cards & apple pies!

50 stars to blind your eyes, 13 stripes to hypnotize!

Free thought is gone, you'll never see your just a pawn

You'll die tomorrow but today your empty dreams just fade away

Evaporate, dissolve to hate, while you survive and wait until a lifeless fate

Your stupid lives just piddle on

You slave for others, and then your gone

I just can't escape the lying

Moment we are born we're dying

Such an ugly sight

We have no rights

We have no future

No reasons why...

Just born to die. Oh..

Your dumb self can't appreciate the freedom in my thought

The weak sense of autonomy when I'm flipping in my squat

That empty void was never filled

But the dreams of others you helped kill...

You justify. Will linger on..

Don't you know your dreams all die the day your born?

We have no god!

There's only ignorant bliss

No reasons why...

We're born to die. Oh.. (were born to die)

We have no rights

We have no future

No reasons why...

We are born to die. Just born to die. Oh..

Going to bed, god is dead, lies & truth are in my head

Your history, society, economy... it isn't me

It's all on you, reality, it's what you do, it's what you make

The truth in lies, the freedom dies

The mind it numbs, the spirit breaks!

With all our rights

It kills our future

Our reasons why:

We are born to die. Just born to die..Oh..

The song is called “Born To Die” by Choking Victim.

“That was lovely.”

“There’s been some controversy with the lead singer. But I like this song”, as he said that, he sounded so forlorn. I could relate. It felt like my heart wanted to burst. I felt into Love at that moment.

I also felt overwhelmed with the synchronicity. It’s Lynx, he’s my Soulmate.

I told him I had to go and wished him a good evening.

So long story short; I eventually told him how I believed that we were Soulmates. He dismissed the idea. He had a lot of Hardness to him. Bitterness. What happened? When we had a friendship he was so warm and now he is so cold. I felt sad. We stopped communicating. I didn’t want to bother him. I gave him the message and he did not accept it. All I can do is communicate. It is not my job to get people to do shit. That’s manipulation.

So that was confusing.

Then I got fired from my job in an abrupt and humiliating kind of way.

Some music I listened to:

I’m Sensitive…..Jewel

the villain…..Sara Diana

Smalltown Boy…..Bronski Beat

Heaven Takes You Home…...Swedish House Mafia feat. Connie Constance

Karma’s a B!tch…..Sophia Rayne

11:11 (Stripped Down).....Amanati, Luna Blake

Goddess…..Hatchrr, Deathrose

like you’re god…..mehro

Human…...Sevdaliza

Darkest Hour…..Sevdaliza

Handmade Ego…..TENDER

Slow Love…..TENDER

Working with a Spiritual Awakening Coach can be an essential part of one’s Soul-U-tioN.

BlackBlueCoffee 4/11/25 BlackBlueCoffee 4/11/25

a great love or a great illusion part 5

Disclaimer

I am naturally a very curious person. I don’t remember when it was exactly, but it was before April of 2022. I was on Facebook, just mindlessly scrolling through. And then a thought came to me. I remembered how odd it felt when Wanderer’s sister friended me. She doesn’t even like me. And then I remembered a dinner that my parents’ hosted and had a couple of their friends over. Everyone at the table was chit chatting about social media, the pros and cons. Someone asked my dad if he was on Facebook. He said, “No”. An automatic response, then he gave me a side glance, he was nervous. I was poker face. At the time I didn’t know what that meant. He had a Facebook account, he just never used it.

One spring day, I was on Facebook, just mindlessly scrolling through. Then my eyes went straight to my dad’s profile. I decided to message my “dad”, I typed in, “Wanderer?”, and hit send. When I did that, a jolt of anxiety went through me.

If I thought my parents were acting jumpy before, this really set them off. My dad announced he and my mom deleted their Facebook accounts, he said it in a very pointed way. With me feeling Wanderer’s energy all around me and then this. I felt like I was getting fucked with. That is not the move to make with me. Before I went into foster care, being lied to, manipulated and then discarded was a regular experience in a more obvious and intense way compared to the kind of shit my adoptive parents pulled. Not only that, but my mom made attempts at dismissing me every time I would talk about understanding my Intuition more. It was an abrupt 180. She went from being mildly supportive to dismissive. More resentment built up in me.

On his birthday, Wanderer messaged me via Facebook messenger. The second I saw his message, my whole body reacted. It was like my body was saying, “Dingdingding!!! Dingdingding!!! You have a connection with this person!”.

He mentioned that he wasn’t usually on that platform. He mentioned his grandmother had sent him a birthday wish. And then he realized I had messaged him. I knew he was lying.

At this point with my Intuition, I would still have doubts about it; lots of conflicting ups and downs. Besides, I thought of Wanderer as a highly intelligent and ambitious person, if he really wanted to get to know me, he would have made it happen. Also…..I had seen some photos of his wedding, of his wife (on Facebook: where hopes and dreams go to die). His pretty, little, military wife. She seemed like the kind of girl who needs a man in her life. In a co-dependent way, in a pleasepleaseplease take care of me way. I am not his type, I thought.

We briefly chatted. He was kind. He responded to my questions thoughtfully. I asked him if he had past life memories about our Souls. He said he did not. I still didn’t believe him. I didn’t see the point in confronting him about this and I still doubted myself. I felt highly conflicted.

People lie for so many reasons. Even though I knew he was lying, it isn’t my job to get people to be honest. They will either be honest or not. If they choose to be a liar, that’s on them.

I needed to get back on track with my life.

With my counseling career on hold. I had no luck finding a job that was interesting to me. I decided to accept a job at the methadone clinic I had worked at before the pandemic started. It wasn’t ideal but it was enough to get me the hell out of Southern Oregon.

Just before I moved to Portland, my mom gave me a gift. She handed me a small bottle of perfume. The instant I touched the glass bottle I immediately saw Wanderer in my mind and heard, “I love you”. Uh-oh.

I was relieved to live in Portland again. I found a really cute place in the north west neighborhood; it was a quick walk to Washington Park which was a perk. I had 3 female roommates. We all lived our own lives. It was a very workable situation. I got reacquainted with a couple of girlfriends of mine; we laugh a lot when we are together. I was focused on my career. I spent the weekends hiking at Washington Park. Aaannnd, I would still feel Wanderer’s energy all around me.

The first weekend I was back in Portland I went for a hike in Washington Park. I took a photo and I sent it to Fairness?. She helped me to sort through some very confusing things. I was grateful for that. But I also felt like she was deliberately withholding information from me. It was apparent that Wanderer didn’t want to talk about the crush he had on me when we were kids. And I would still feel his energy around me. That was confusing. I didn’t know what to make of that. Again, it is not my job to try to corner people into giving me a particular outcome.

I had always really liked Fairness?, so getting to know her a little bit from the conversations we had was lovely. I really appreciated her perspective. I felt less alone talking to her.

And so when I moved back to Portland, I would sparingly and randomly text her. Just to offer her a thought that came through to me. I didn’t ever expect her to respond. I just like sharing thoughts.

Work was very difficult. I wound up quitting that job because (surprise, surprise) of the toxic leadership at the clinic. I had worked there for just about 90 days when I just couldn’t take the shitty leadership anymore. There was no accountability. I witnessed odd power dynamics between the clinical director and the clinical supervisor. I decided to call it quits and that was not easy. Because as much as that kind of work is stressful, I still cared for the people I worked with. I just wanted to do my job but I was not given the support that I needed to actually do the work I wanted to do. So I quit. I ran away.

I worked a temp job for a few weeks. It was fine. It got me through until I was hired at a non-profit that hired certified alcohol and drug counselors and provided counseling services in the local high schools in the Portland Metro area.

As far as dating went. It was odd because I just felt like there was some kind of block. I wanted to date, but I also struggled with my energy levels and some days I was just really cranky and felt depleted. Dating was not even a hobby during this time in my life.

I would occasionally go out with a friend and meet for drinks. One evening, my friend, Melissa, and I met at Bible Club. That is when I decided to tell her about alllll of the metaphysical experiences I had. I told her about Tupac, about thinking I had Covid and then getting a negative test, I told her about the intuitive hits I got about Wanderer.

“I feel so sure he is in the process of getting a divorce!”, I exclaimed nervously. I was so confused, I wasn’t sure if I wanted that or not. I had gotten some intense downloads about him leaving his wife. Just thinking about that stressed me out.

Thank God for Melissa. She comforted me and reminded me that sometimes relationships end; people change. I was so grateful that she believed me. I felt less alone.

The way I was mainly experiencing pleasure in my life was when I could go to Washington Park. But then I had to abruptly move out of the house I was co-renting, I had a very short notice. After a frenzied few days, I found a new place to live on the other side of the city. It was a decent house close to Mount Tabor Park. For those who are not aware, this park is one of Portland’s gems, during the summer months there are music events and the Adult Soapbox Derby in the Spring. This park is a magickal place. It turned out to be a real blessing to live in this area.

At this house there was a spacious backyard. I spent quite a bit of time on the grass, under the trees meditating or reading. It was peaceful. Not long after I moved to this new house, I started receiving Vogue magazine on a consistent, monthly basis; I knew it was from Wanderer.

On December 11, 2022, Melissa and I went to Coffin Club for Dark Market. It’s kind of like a Gothic craft fair with booze. :) I was sipping on a cider which felt lovely. Since I rarely drink alcohol anymore, just after one drink, I’m toasted. I was having a lovely time looking at all of the dark creations. Melissa wanted to go upstairs for a tarot reading. I joined Melissa for her reading. The reader seemed genuine and confident in what she was doing. She felt like an authentic, intuitive tarot reader. After Melissa’s reading, I announced that I would like to be next.

“Hhmmm. Are you polyamorous?”, she asked me.

I took a moment to think about that. I feel like I would have been open to a situation like that when I was in my 20’s, but now I am just too damn tired and cranky.

“Maybe when I was younger, I would have been into that. But right now? No, I don’t identify as being polyamorous”.

She looked pensive. She looked at the cards she had drawn.

“You have lived many lives before this one. You typically come here with a witchy or high priestess kind of energy; you’ve experienced a lot of death.”

I nodded. She gave me more details of my energetic blueprint which was accurate. She was reading me like a book.

“You have a Soulmate”, she asserted.

I froze. I–Did–NOT–Mention–That–Word. Then she went on to describe the deep, spiritual bond. How, for many generations, we come together. And it’s a beautiful, connected relationship, often. The thing I wonder about this whole soulmate connection is; is it actually possible for mine and your Soul to come together in every life? Because, that is how it feels for me. It feels like our two Souls always insist on finding each other. Which blows my mind. Because, I am such a cynic and this whole Soulmate stuff just sounds so extra.

“Whoa, whoa. What makes you say we’re Soulmates?”, I asked.

“This moon card, that’s you. This earth card, that’s him. The Earth and the Moon, one cannot exist without the other”.

I was stunned by that statement. And what’s more, it felt True. I couldn’t deny all of the feelings and energy I felt.

I had done a little research. According to Google, in the state you got married, if people want to file for divorce, the couple needs to be separated for a certain amount of months, a considerable stretch of time. Soooo, for months I was soooo certain you were making plans on getting a divorce. It scared me at times how sure I felt this was True. More months had passed. I was laser focused on my career.

While working for a non-profit, I would bounce around from the organization’s office to several different schools throughout the week. It was challenging because it was such a different pace from what I was used to. This job really brought forward my leadership abilities, my creativity, my tendencies to nurture. Time flies. I really enjoyed working with teenagers. I felt into their confusion and found it to be relatable. I built up some amazing, trusting working relationships with the kids I counseled. Sometimes, they would try to dodge me, but over time, I gained their Trust. We would laugh together sometimes. More rarely, the students I worked with felt comfortable enough to cry before me, being completely vulnerable in their pain. I bore witness to their pain, to let them know they were not alone.

I started working with teens in the Fall of 2022. Not long after I started working there, I would tap into a very specific headspace. It was all about how I could figure out how to find or create a job I could do from home because I was a bit obsessed with planning on being a mom. Then, it transmuted to me needing to own my own business because that would give me more freedom, adaptability, and creativity. I figured I could adopt children since I am single. It was a very intense headspace. And I would bounce from this Mother Hen Headspace to being convinced that Wanderer was preparing to leave his wife for me to being laser focused on counseling the children I worked with. My energy felt scattered. I was exhausted most of the time. This scattered headspace went on for months. I was so busy and exhausted all of the time. And then my Intuition felt fuzzy. I decided to go in for an Astrology reading. This was in the first week in October of 2023. I met with the same Intuitive I had met at Coffin Club.

I asked her about the Soulmate Connection. She said it was done. I was stunned, confused, frustrated. After that consultation, I texted Fairness? This is what I texted her:

Hello! I thought you might be mildly, morbidly curious about some of the Meta-Physical stuff I’ve been experiencing lately. If I am wrong and you are not curious. Then, please, Disregard. Last Thursday I had my very first Astrology reading, which confirmed ALOT for me. I got confirmation about the past life violent deaths. About the past life soulmate connections with Wanderer. I also got confirmation about some of my abilities. One heightened ability is my mental psychic ability. Which means I can manifest things into the physical realm. Which checks out–last year, I did a money spell and got that exact amount when I accepted a promotion to clinical supervisor in a raise. I have been in denial about my Mediumship ability. Apparently, that is supposed to even out soon, which sounds nice. Apparently I will be able to see spirits. I’m not sure how I feel about that. I’m not sure how that is supposed to assist me in working with people. I prefer to focus on this physical realm; to help people gain clarity about who they truly are and providing support in healing. The thing I am really iffy about is this new soulmate connection. Apparently, it is in the stars that I will meet my soulmate for this specific lifetime soon. (It will be a real chill relationship vibe, that part sounds nice. I want, need and deserve chillchillchill). Prior to going through a spiritual awakening, I was very content with occasionally taking on a new lover. I was aware that some people get soulmates, I was not envious of this; I accepted it as a fact. This whole soulmate thing, as it applies to me, I’m kicking and screaming. My life was a little happier being oblivious about soulmate connections. Ignorance is Bliss, as they say. Sometimes that is absolutely correct. I miss that ObliVion. This new soulmate connection might be an architect, engineer; someone who works with his hands. Who does not have a lot of trauma. He might be an artist. The reader mentioned baking and went on a tangent to describe the beauty of wheat. In January, I am going to start a 6-month training program with Headspace. The curriculum of that program reminds me of Buddhism. I’m very excited for this! I haven’t felt this excited about something work related in many months. That’s all I wanted to share. I hope you and your people are well.

So that was that. I had to release all of what I thought I knew and felt. I had to let go of this feeling that Wanderer wanted to be with me. Things change, nothing is guaranteed one way or another.

One evening, I had an intuitive urge to go onto social media. I looked up Wanderer’s wife’s profile. And that is when I saw that you both had recently had a child together.

To be continued…..

killer….FKA twigs

tears in the club…..FKA twigs (feat. the weekend)

Lights On…..FKA twigs

all up in my head…..Sara Diana

You Were Meant For Me…..Jewel

Who Will Save Your Soul…..Jewel

Intuition…..Jewel

Need You Like That…..EZI

The Perfect Girl…..Mareux

R U Mine?.....Arctic Monkeys

Do I Wanna Know?.....Arctic Monkeys

Working with a Spiritual Awakening Coach can be an essential part of one’s Soul-U-tioN.

BlackBlueCoffee 4/10/25 BlackBlueCoffee 4/10/25

A great love or a great illusion—part 4

Disclaimer

It was Springtime, the year was 2022. My intuition was becoming more frequent. Also, I experienced a lot of chronic fatigue during this time. Actually, the fatigue began in 2020. That was the time my anxiety also heightened at an overwhelming rate. Between those two feeling states, I didn’t have as much energy like I used to before the pandemic which was challenging. Working as an addictions counselor requires a lot of stamina. For years I only had energy to devote to my work and figuring out the anxiety, fatigue, and the intuitive hits that would come to me; I was taking things one day at a time.

It was April when I realized that I can also communicate with spirits. Which was intense. I went to an Easter celebration with my parents. A friend of theirs lived on a beautiful property by the river with her husband and two children. She recently was cleared of cancer. I understood it was a very scary health battle for her. I had known of Cyrus and husband for years. They owned a local winery. I kept my distance from both of them. What I had felt into was their Insensitivity. Their shortsightedness on how other people exist in the world. Cyrus came from a wealthy background and could not relate well to the people who worked for her and her husband. Also, a bit of a shit communicator. Plus, I immediately picked up on a mean girl vibe from her. Actually, a couple of my friends used to work for her and her husband; it wasn’t that great of an experience. My friends did not enjoy working for them. What I remember my friends mentioning was that Cyrus would sometimes mention to people that she had been friends with Tupac. Yes, the one and only Tupac. It was my understanding that Cyrus had been friends with him just before he got really famous and at the beginning of him getting very famous. I remember when first hearing about this supposed friendship, I rolled my eyes. This felt like an exaggeration on Cyrus’s part. It is not uncommon for people to proclaim,

“Oh, I was friends with such and such before they got famous”. As if it’s some kind of social capital. And I suppose that does work for superficial people. Cyrus had gone to high school around the San Francisco area, as did Tupac. In high school, Cyrus had been a cheerleader, and was very popular. Had a lot of wealth and privilege. Not exactly relatable. The impression I had gotten was that Tupac had attended the same “good”, white, wealthy high school as Cyrus. That is how they had met, they were classmates. I had assumed that, at most, they had shared a class way back when. I didn’t believe that Cyrus actually had been friends with him.

So when my parents invited me to go to this celebration, I was on guard. I remember on the way there, I was in the back seat of the car and noticed my energy dipping.

I shared with my parents, “It’s going to be a low energy kind of day”.

When we got to the property. I noticed the beautiful, healing energy of living in nature. They lived in a gorgeous house by the river. They lived surrounded by so much beauty. I had noticed the sauna in their garage and was reminded that Cyrus had very recently been cleared of cancer. I remember when I saw her, I actually felt very happy to see her. She looked healthy. Wearing a beautiful, flowing, yellow spring dress. I felt a gentleness when I looked at her, which I was surprised by. I complimented her sense of style, she responded, “All I want to be is comfortable”.

“Comfortable and fashionable”, I said, smiling at her. I felt into Love while looking at her.

I was also distracted by all of the other people, the energy, the stimulation. I quickly went for a walk to get a closer view of the river. When I returned to the house to go to the bathroom, I passed by Cyrus’s daughter, who looked to be 11. When I saw this girl, I was struck by feeling and thinking to myself, “She’s so beautiful. And sweet. Lovely. A beautiful work of art”. I asked her where the bathroom was. She politely pointed and said it was just up the stairs.

It was mostly Cyrus and her husband’s friends and a couple of neighbors that attended the easter day party. I mostly kept to myself, taking little breaks interacting with other people. The adults got to hide A LOT of plastic easter eggs all over the property. I had sooooo much fun taking handfuls of eggs and helping to scatter them for the children to find. It was such a joy to see the children so happy, so enthusiastic. It filled my Heart space. I watched with amusement and a sense of pride while Cyrus’s daughter climbed a very tall and huge tree to retrieve one of those eggs. I thought I had heard that particular egg had some money in it. I cheered her on as I gleefully watched this beautiful girl in a dress (with shorts on underneath) carefully and diligently climb this massive tree. She struggled a bit but was determined. A couple of the kids on the ground playfully threw stuff at her in attempts to distract from her goal. I joined the other adults who were cheering her on.

“Get it! You got this! Yeah!!!!!!”. It was so much fun to see her finally get that egg!!! Everyone erupted in cheers for her Victory. There was so much joyous energy around everyone, it was lovely.

A little later. I noticed an uncomfortable energy around me. Then I saw him. He looked to be about 25, I think? He was looking at me, he could hardly contain himself. He was standing next to his mother and (awkwardly) with some distance there stood his wife. Earlier in the day I had noticed this young couples’ toddler toddle around while the toddler’s grandfather lovingly watched over him, making sure he stayed safe. Earlier in the day, I had also noticed this young man having a lot of fun helping to hide the eggs for the children. I observed and noted (because I observe everything) how conventionally attractive he was. Curly hair, a tall and strong build.

But the way he was looking at me was very uncomfortable. The way he was rendered speechless and making garbled noises at the same time made me want to teleport the fuck out of there. When I realized he was looking at me and struggling to make sense, I kept my distance. And immediately went into appeasing mode, trying to soften the tense energy around us. Mind you, my body was completely covered. I wore one of my favorite dresses that is both comfortable and fashionable. It is a black dress, with a high neck, full sleeves and the dress goes below my knees. I wear a thick, black belt to snatch in my waist. I know my body has a certain kind of shape that some men really enjoy and the immediate thoughts that come forward are SEXSEXSEX. Whether I have gained weight or not, my body shape still retains a certain kind of silhouette.

I made attempts to inject some lighthearted humor, it didn’t seem to make a difference. There were other people standing around, observing this strange interaction. His mom stood next to him, she said, “This is my son”.

“Yes, I can tell that he is your son”, and smiled nervously. They both had very curly hair, it was a distinguished physical feature of theirs.

I stood there awkwardly, noticing this young man’s wife, she seemed stressed, to say the least. This whole situation highlighted to me how some people shouldn’t be married. Not when they still feel the need to roam and plant seeds; if you know what I mean.

I wanted to get the fuck out of there. No one was doing anything to intervene. Can someone distract this guy, pleeeaaase??? The strained awkwardness continued to grow. I remember abruptly leaving the area. I didn’t say anything, I just kept smiling nervously and left the area. I went to the river.

A few days later I was looking for a job. I had recently quit my counseling job due to the toxic work culture. My body could not keep up. A week prior to me quitting, I had so much tension in my body, I felt trapped in my own body due to the tension. I knew I had to get the hell out of there, so I quit that job and did not look back. I dropped my resume off at a small, feminist pleasure shoppe. Aaaannndd, since I was there, I looked around admiring the plethora of items for sale. Lots of sensual products. What caught my eye were some lavender shower steamers, they were elegant and beautiful.

“This is perfect”, I thought to myself.

The next night I received another intense intuitive hit. This time it was NOT about Wanderer.

I kept seeing Cyrus and Tupac but there was distance between them. The physical sensations were so intense, I could not ignore it. My mind was in an infinite loop of Cyrus and Tupac CyrusTupacCyrusTupacCyrusTupacCyrusTupacCyrusTupacCyrusTupac CyrusTupacCyrusTupacCyrusTupacCyrusTupacCyrusTupacCyrusTupac

CyrusTupacCyrusTupacCyrusTupacCyrusTupacCyrusTupacCyrusTupac

I begrudgingly went to my computer and got onto Youtube. I searched for Tupac. The first result was an interview he did with Ed Gordon in ‘94. Watching this interview, my Intuition vibrated as Tupac talked about how he wanted to master learning how to channel his energy more effectively ; how racism impacts and harms everyone ; the greed in American Culture, the Exploitation. As I was watching this interview, the sensations lessened. In my mind; I felt into Love and saw Cyrus and Tupac. Holy shit! I was so wrong about Cyrus. Ego checked. Tupac has a deep, profound LOVE for this woman.

Then, I remembered the shower steamers. They were from him!!! He wanted me to give them to her. He desperately demanded that I give them to her. When morning came, I was outside grounding, attempting to gain clarity. I made plans to mail the shower steamers to Cyrus. For Tupac, that was NOT good enough. I had to give her the gift in person. Period. I asked my mom for Cyrus’s phone number. When I entered the number into my phone, I immediately texted her to ask her if she could meet with me as soon as possible. This was on a Saturday, the date was 4/23/2022.

Phoebe: It is really important I see you today as soon as possible to deliver a package to you. Where can I meet you? This is Phoebe.

Cyrus: For Cyrus? I’m in Medford now.

Phoebe: Yes. Where in Medford can I meet you?

Cyrus: I’m at Barnes and Noble. I can meet up in Central Point if that helps.

Phoebe: I can be there in about 40 minutes.

Cyrus: Ok. I’ll be here:)

Before I left to go to Medford. I quickly wrote Cyrus a note to go with the lavender shower steamers. As I was writing this note, I remember feeling scrambled. The note consisted of congratulating her on beating cancer.

I will take a pause here to highlight that I am not the type of person to insert myself into peoples’ lives. I mind my own fucking business. So doing something like this was very outside of my comfort zone. I don’t believe in rescuing people. I just try to stay in my own lane. So this whole interaction was deeply uncomfortable for me. However, due to the intense physical sensations, it was motivating me to act quickly. The more I did what Tupac wanted me to do, the less anxiety and uncomfortable sensations I experienced.

I met her inside the bookstore, we decided to go outside for this conversation. We were in front of the building, away from other people.

“I have something for you!”, I awkwardly gave her the note. She read it, then looked at me confused. Then I gave her the lavender shower steamers. I watched her look at them, she seemed delighted.

“They’re beautiful!”.

“They’re from him! From Tupac!”. She looked pensive for a moment.

“You know, when I knew him. He was just a guy”.

And then something clicked and opened within her.

She spoke about how chaotic both of their lives were. She talked about the parties, with underaged girls. And how sometimes she would wait for him in her car. And then when he got really famous.

“And I knew I couldn’t reach him. He had so many venomous people around him. I had to save myself. I couldn't save him. I had to save myself”.

“He understands. He understands. He has soooooo much Love for you. He is so happy that you have so much Beauty in your life. And your children! You’re Beautiful children. He is so happy for you”.

She nodded, then started to cry. “I know, I know that”.

Then she mentioned his mother. I felt into her despair and being rejected.

“I’m sure she was like, ‘Good job Tupac! A rich, white girl! Great! She was so racist!”. Her feeling of rejection was so potent.

I was taken aback by her deep well of sadness that she had been carrying with her for decades. Even though she attempted to dismiss the profound, spiritual connection she shared with Tupac, there was no mistaking the grief; the sleepless nights thinking, “What if?….”.

“You know, I know in an alternate universe. We are together with our children”. I felt into her desire for things to be different.

“So many people are still so obsessed with him. People want to know what he ate, they can’t stop talking about him. If I wrote a book about our relationship, I would make sooo much money”, she was pensive as she said this.

She stood there sobbing for a few minutes. Then she smiled.

“You know, sometimes he was like a little boy”. The image of Tupac being very exuberant, gleeful and excited for life and being naked flashed in my mind. We both giggled.

“So. Why, you? Why would he choose you to give me this message?”.

“I grew up in neighborhoods similar to how he grew up before I went into foster care. Also my addiction counseling background. And when I was in Portland I took psychology classes centered on American Masculinity and African-American Masculinity; those classes changed my life. It all made sense to me.”.

“He has a message for you too. This isn’t just about me”, she asserted. I thought for a minute. At that moment, I couldn’t think about what kind of message he would have for me. I don’t have a connection with him.

We said our goodbyes.

Later that evening, Cyrus and I had a brief text exchange.

Phoebe: I forgot to mention he did come through with a specific message for me. Recently at my previous employment I was confronted with the leadership that currently have a lot of narcissistic qualities. He gave me the message that I have to strengthen and use my intuition to better meet people where they are at, not where I believe they should be, headspace wise. I have lived many lives before this one. In a lot of my previous lives I have a mission to bring more balance and harmony to this world, I always come back to this world as a woman. In a lot of my previous lives I get brutally murdered by intensely insecure, hurt men. So he gave me that message and now I have all the conviction I need to actively use my intuition as I see fit, with the intention to bring more harmony.

Also, he wanted me to highlight he had a lot of internalized trauma he had no idea how to address AND he was an empath. Combined with being exploited by a lot of narcissists it created a lot of emotional havoc.

Cyrus: Thank you. I was able to write down what I needed to say to him. I never thought he would need to know that I forgive both of us and that I am proud of him. I wish I had known the whole person. We were so young and living a ‘throw yourself over the finish line fight’ to survive. Our lives collided. The fallout needed to be dealt with. Now I’m burning what I wrote (while having a gin and juice–long story). Thank you. What an unexpected good day.

A week later I texted her this:

I feel a bond with you since we had our conversation. I hope you are feeling well. Also. I just discovered that Grants Pass has a metaphysical shop. It is called Juniper Stones. I’m going to go there this afternoon to pick up some sodalite stones for clarity and to cleanse energy. Just thought I would tell you about this shop in case you didn’t know.

Cyrus: I am good. Thank you! Thanks for the heads up on the GP store. I didn’t realize it existed. I’ll check it out.

Tupac often thought about Cyrus. But she drifted away. And he wanted to be successful and to have Power to help the People. And then more shit went down. He got farther and farther away from her. He had no idea how to get back to her. Everything got so fucked up. He needed to serve the People. They needed him. He thought about her everyday. He tried to fill up the Vacant Void within him. He just couldn’t figure out how he could get back to her. It hurt him so bad that he couldn’t get back to her. He carried that Loss with him to his death.

About a year and a half later Cyrus had passed on. Her cancer came back, very aggressive. She really struggled to let go of all that did not serve her highest good. She struggled with change.

To be continued….

Some music I listened to while writing this:

FEEL…..Beneld, BURY

Speak No Evil…..Demo Club, TENDER

mary magdalene…..FKA twigs

sad day…..FKA twigs

fallen alien…..FKA twigs

mirrored heart…..FKA twigs

California Love-Original Version…..2Pac, Roger, Dr. Dre

Working with a Spiritual Awakening Coach can be an essential part of one’s Soul-U-tioN.