a great love or a great illusion-Part 6

Disclaimer

The information on this blog is not intended as a substitute for professional medical and/or mental health advice, diagnosis, or treatment. This blog is intended for informational purposes only. Any health concern must be assessed by a doctor or another licensed and/or certified clinician.

Fuuuuuckkkk! I am so confused! I just felt so sure that any day Wanderer would contact me and explain himself. But there it was, right before my eyes, the photo of this small, sweet baby. Who is this?

I felt panicked. For the past few years I have experienced so many intense feelings and thoughts about this person and he never shows up for me.  The fact that I have put out so much energy over the years was mind boggling to me. Obviously I was wrong about this guy. I had to end this now. 

Being the Witch that I am, I did a cord cutting ritual. As I did the chant, I just so happened to look at the time. 11:11. A sign! In terms of spirituality, 11:11 means being in alignment with one’s Higher Self. I felt affirmed. Calmer. Still confused but it was manageable. I had to put allllll of this behind me. I have so much to be grateful for in my life. It is okay if this whole situation remains a mystery; that’s life. 

I texted Fairness? with my closing thoughts: 

I really want to highlight my gratitude towards you and being willing to have some odd conversations with me a while back. I imagine that was somewhat challenging or weird. I recently became aware that Wanderer and his wife had a baby. I am very happy for them. I messaged Wanderer via Facebook with some closing thoughts earlier today. I hope it is helpful. A while back I had a conversation with a reader who is currently in grad school specializing in spiritual counseling. She said that when two souls have lived many lives together and when they don’t have a relationship in the current life, one or both people may tap into residual energy; and that may look like having deep feelings or a connection even though in the current life there is no reference point. She then shared that she has a couple of bonds like this and every once in a while she will receive a download or energetic knowing and then feels compelled to quickly check in with them to make sure they are okay. When she shared this with me, that was such a relief. I don’t know if you have ever experienced a spiritual awakening but if you ever do or if someone in your inner circle ever does; support is helpful. It is not a easy process. People often experience physical sensations and/or drained energy; it can look like chronic fatigue on the surface. Also, many people confuse the process of ego death and make the mistake thinking that physical death needs to happen. A lot of people who experience a spiritual awakening complete suicide, not understanding that it is the ego and egoic attachments that need to die. We live in interesting times! :) I believe I am on the other side of an awakening; it feels great! I am looking forward to completing my Headspace training this summer and next spring I hope to get a yoga certification. I know it is my soul’s purpose to support people in their healing process. I want to help as many people as I can. I am looking forward to learning all that I can about different healing modalities. I am building a nest and network of people that I care for. I have a lot of love in my life. I hope you and your people are well. :) Be safe. Much love. 

My mind couldn’t help but to wander back to that beautiful baby. With this sense of feeling like an intruder, I went onto social media. I went to his wife’s account. The photo of this infant. I felt some maternal protectiveness towards this mysterious creature. Then, I read the date of when they were born. Hmmm. That’s curious. I had recently started studying numerology; I quickly added this baby’s birth numbers. Epiphany!!! This child is psychic. Oh my god oh my god oh my god. This child will feel everything. Knowing what I know with being psychic myself and how incredibly misunderstood I have been my whole life; it is not an easy road. I thought about alllll of the people I had worked with throughout the years, how sensitive they all are. How they internalized the assumptions and projections that were made by really fucked up people, by hurt, wounded people. I bore witness to the struggle to reprogram one’s sense of Self. I’ve had to do that work myself and it is really fucking hard. It has taken decades of my life to get to a place of deep Self-Trust. It is grueling, it is lonely. And a lot of people are not able to make it to the other side. I thought about the children I was working with in the schools; their pain and loneliness and suffering. The Disconnection. It does NOT need to be this way. This is NOT the way it has always been. There is Another way. People just need to have knowledge and understanding and things will suck less. 

I messaged Fairness?. I told her about numerology and how significant that is. And how the infant is psychic and the importance of connection and understanding; it’s Vital. I made the request that she gain an understanding of this and share this knowledge with Wanderer and his wife. They need to know. They need to know the kind of impact they have on this child. Not having this understanding can literally be the difference between life or death. I informed her I will not contact Wanderer. I wanted to leave him alone. After sending the message, I felt a lightness and clarity I hadn’t had for quite a few years. I felt relief. Then understanding came to me. I was only supposed to be the messenger this whole time!!! Release! Relief! Release! Relief! I sighed deeply. 

Figuring out this real life rubik’s cube was so long and drawn out! I finally felt calm and grounded. Being a psychic medium is no small feat. It is not straight forward. There is the need to continue on even through the blurry fog. It is not easy but it does get easier with practice. Practice. Practice. And more Practice. 

I was living my life and leading with more Love. After a grueling day of working with teenagers. I felt tired and wired. I thought about Wander and his child. I thought about Fatherhood. What does that even mean? I thought about all of the absent fathers. The aggressive fathers. The checked out fathers. What does it mean to Father??? As a Collective, we have forgotten. That Lost Knowledge Devastates; Perpetuates Perpetuates Perpetuates…….

I was home and drawn to the backyard.

It was 2/22. The first Portal I participated in. It changed my life. I was following my intuition. At sunset, I went to my backyard and lay myself down on the grass. I was barefoot and grounded into the earth. I connected to my breath. I focused on Wanderer. I sent him light, healing, and clarity. I asked my guides to give him the message to communicate to him that he has so much Light to give in this world. He has so much Light to give to his loved ones. To give to his child. I asked my guides to give him this message and to make it reallllllly Obvious. And then, as I lay on the earth and looked up at the night sky, I said “I love you Wanderer” over and over again.

The next day I felt Wanderer’s energy all around me. Uh-oh. And not only that, when I felt his energy, I felt Euphoric. So High. 

And that is how it went for a while. Lots of Ups and Downs. I felt his presence so clearly. By this time, I realized when I felt Wanderer’s energy, it was his Higher Self. Wanderer in the physical world is not aware that his Higher Self spends time with me, to guide and teach me. 

Through all of this Energetic Turbulence, I still had a full-time job and was going through the training at Headspace to become a certified behavioral health coach and eventually take the national board exam to become a board certified health and wellness coach. 

A weekly, in real time, online class was a part of that program. For 6 months, every Sunday I attended the 3 hour class. I loved studying the material. Main influences of the curriculum are positive psychology, motivational interviewing and Buddhism. There was a particular Sunday where the instructor my cohort had been working with consistently had called in sick, so another one of the instructors filled in for that session. The second I saw her, I heard the word, “Magickal”. I just knew she was a witch! I stayed after everyone else had logged off to ask her questions. 

“Are you a witch?”, I asked her. 

“I identify as a mage”, she said matter of factly. Another person like me! Yay!

We chatted for a bit. She mentioned how she and her family enjoy doing rituals together, the way she spoke about her family; I found it to be inspiring. I was asking her another question, then it appeared she went somewhere else; it was like her focus and energy shifted dramatically. Hello?

I stopped talking and waited. 

She reappeared. Then she told me, “You are going to become a Spiritual Leader”. My Intuition vibrated. I felt the Truth in this. I was so relieved. I thanked her profusely. And we parted ways. 

While I was going through the Headspace program, it was the main light in my life. I felt drained from my work as a supervisor and counselor. Initially, I was offered a promotion to a supervisor position by the person who created the whole substance use counseling program at this non-profit. I admired her drive and determination. With what started out as one grant, grew over time, into a program that spanned throughout the community in one way or another. But then she abruptly announced she was moving on after running this program for a decade. I was nervous, the main reason I had accepted the promotion was because she offered it to me. I was looking forward to learning more from her. She shared with me that she had to move on in order to get the clinical hours she needed for social work. I understood. I was happy for her that she was elevating in her career. I would also miss working with her; she had a compassionate and gentle way of leading people. I really admired those qualities within her. However, I often thought that she was just too nice. Too nice for her own good. 

The supervisor who took her place was another story. The first time we met via zoom for supervision, she was in her house, distracted and multitasking. I felt invisible. Like I had to work for her attention. Going forward, every time I had to interact with her, I felt uneasy. I was not getting the support I actually needed. And in my typical fashion, I felt alone and attempted to just figure out my own answers. 

I was overworked, everytime I attempted to get clarity from my supervisor, she would dodge giving me a clear and concise answer. I kept going.

By this time I had accepted that Tupac is one of my guides. He has been with me for a very long time. After I moved to Portland, he gave me signs consistently, until I broke down and said something along the lines of, “Alright! I accept that you are on my spiritual team”. Talk about a plot twist. He isn’t the only famous musician that is one of my guides. Kurt Cobain has also been guiding me for a very long time. This realization came to me while I was walking the halls of one of the schools. Noticing the oppressive energy in the building. The Insensitive adults all around, the confused children. He came through to me and I gratefully accepted that he has been guiding me for a very long time. When he was alive in the physical realm, he was very gentle but he had to harden in order to survive. When he became a father, that gave him spaciousness in his life he did not have before. He could be tender and gentle, calm and sweet; his True Nature. 

One evening I was sitting on the couch in the living room, in a pensive state. Wanderer’s Higher Self was with me. What he communicated to me was that I needed to contact an old friend of mine. I was confused. Why do I need to contact this person? Then I remembered how this old friend of mine, Lynx, how he would remind me of Kurt Cobain. Lynx had dark hair, was tall and lanky. Warm, open, gentle energy. Very punk and grunge. Very anti-establishment. Wanderer’s Higher Self highlighted a memory. 

In this memory, it was years ago, it might have been 2016 or 2017? I was helping my dad at a fancy food festival. Lynx was there with his girlfriend he was dating at the time and a couple of friends. Lynx and I had been friends for a while. The first time he and I met was through a mutual friend. The first time I met Lynx he was transitioning out of a long-term relationship. Him, me and our mutual friend met at a local brewery. I remember the first time I saw him, I thought to myself, “He feels familiar”. The more time we spent together, which wasn’t a lot; we were both going to school, working and dealing with various life stuff but every time we had a conversation, I always felt seen and valued and safe. We were two people who just liked each other instantaneously. I enjoyed his humor and perspective, his edge. I found him to be a comforting person. He seemed to be a relationship type of person. It wasn’t long after he broke up with his long-term girlfriend he started dating someone else. 

Back to the food festival in 2016/2017. Lynx had greeted me and said hello as he passed by the booth I was manning. I noticed him, his friends and his girlfriend exploring the festival together. He seemed like he was having a good time. Such lovely energy. When he was getting ready to leave, he motioned for us to meet to say goodbye. I gave him a hug, and as we were hugging he let out a moan, it was accidental. He is a very sensitive and compassionate person, he wasn’t intending to make me uncomfortable. That hug was lovely. He did feel familiar to me. He was such a good friend with a beautiful mind. I treasure every conversation we had together. 

Okay, with Wanderer’s Highest Self highlighting all of that, I understood that I needed to contact Lynx because he might be my Soulmate for this lifetime. I got Lynx’s number from our mutual friend. I texted him. Our mutual friend, Stacy, had informed me when she spoke to him, he mentioned he works as a mental health counselor in local high schools in Southern Oregon. Very similar work to what I was doing…interesting. She also informed me he was still dating, not in a committed relationship. I was very surprised. I thought, for sure, he would be married with children by this time. He would make a lovely partner and father. 

I will also mention when I had gone to see a psychic about the new soulmate connection for this life, the key thing I was told to look for was someone who described himself as, “Simple”, with chillchillchill vibes. 

Phoebe: Hello! Good morning, hopefully. It’s been a hot minute. 😀 wondering if you could chat sometime? Stacy mentioned you work with kids. I work with high schoolers. I always appreciated your perspective. Also, I’ve missed you! I hope you are well. 

Lynx: Whoa, that was quick. Haha. Good morning Phoebe! Happy to chat and catch up soon. Interested in what you’re doing too. I am well! Thank you. How are you?

Phoebe: I decided to take Spring Break off. So I’m having a lovely slow morning. I’m really enjoying hearing the birds chirp. Definitely looking forward to catching up soon. The last time I saw you, that feels like a century. 🙂 I’m as free as a bird this week. So whatever time works for you to chat is good for me. 

Lynx: Cool. I’m pretty busy, even though I’m also on break. But have a lot going on. Could maybe call Thursday some time?

When Lynx and I got to connect over the phone. He mentioned how he remodels houses and rents them to people. How he works with his hands, does the plumbing, the electrical. I thought back to what the psychic had said to look for, for this new soulmate connection: 

This new soulmate connection might be an architect, engineer; someone who works with his hands. Who does not have a lot of trauma. He might be an artist.

Oh my God! It’s Lynx, I think he is my Soulmate!!! I tamed my excitement and stayed present for our conversation. Lynx spoke about the frustrations of working as a counselor in the school system and ignorant parents. I could relate to these pain points. I also felt just as frustrated in my own experience. I appreciated how less alone I felt talking to my lovely friend. Although, he did sound more cynical than I remembered. There was a heaviness to him. He voiced a lot of his frustrations about the current system. He shared, as a landlord, he is conscientious to not have obnoxiously high rents for his renters. He practiced fairness and kindness. He also sounded defeated with the current trappings of our culture and economy. Still so anti-establishment which made me happy to hear. He also described himself as, “Simple”. 

Then he read me a song, he read the song like poetry. I felt into Love as I heard him recite the following lyrics. Because, he had read me beautifully written words in a past life. We had done this before, we had loved each other before. I felt into this knowing as he recited the lyrics. 

This is how the lyrics go:

Born to die, and you get to sit and watch your TV set

Believe the lies before your eyes, credit cards & apple pies!

50 stars to blind your eyes, 13 stripes to hypnotize!

Free thought is gone, you'll never see your just a pawn

You'll die tomorrow but today your empty dreams just fade away

Evaporate, dissolve to hate, while you survive and wait until a lifeless fate

Your stupid lives just piddle on

You slave for others, and then your gone

I just can't escape the lying

Moment we are born we're dying

Such an ugly sight

We have no rights

We have no future

No reasons why...

Just born to die. Oh..

Your dumb self can't appreciate the freedom in my thought

The weak sense of autonomy when I'm flipping in my squat

That empty void was never filled

But the dreams of others you helped kill...

You justify. Will linger on..

Don't you know your dreams all die the day your born?

We have no god!

There's only ignorant bliss

No reasons why...

We're born to die. Oh.. (were born to die)

We have no rights

We have no future

No reasons why...

We are born to die. Just born to die. Oh..

Going to bed, god is dead, lies & truth are in my head

Your history, society, economy... it isn't me

It's all on you, reality, it's what you do, it's what you make

The truth in lies, the freedom dies

The mind it numbs, the spirit breaks!

With all our rights

It kills our future

Our reasons why:

We are born to die. Just born to die..Oh..

The song is called “Born To Die” by Choking Victim.

“That was lovely.”

“There’s been some controversy with the lead singer. But I like this song”, as he said that, he sounded so forlorn. I could relate. It felt like my heart wanted to burst. I felt into Love at that moment. 

I also felt overwhelmed with the synchronicity. It’s Lynx, he’s my Soulmate. 

I told him I had to go and wished him a good evening. 

So long story short; I eventually told him how I believed that we were Soulmates. He dismissed the idea. He had a lot of Hardness to him. Bitterness. What happened? When we had a friendship he was so warm and now he is so cold. I felt sad. We stopped communicating. I didn’t want to bother him. I gave him the message and he did not accept it. All I can do is communicate. It is not my job to get people to do shit.  That’s manipulation. 

So that was confusing. 

Then I got fired from my job in an abrupt and humiliating kind of way. 

Some music I listened to:

I’m Sensitive…..Jewel 

the villain…..Sara Diana

Smalltown Boy…..Bronski Beat

Heaven Takes You Home…...Swedish House Mafia feat. Connie Constance

Karma’s a B!tch…..Sophia Rayne

11:11 (Stripped Down).....Amanati, Luna Blake

Goddess…..Hatchrr, Deathrose

like you’re god…..mehro

Human…...Sevdaliza

Darkest Hour…..Sevdaliza 

Handmade Ego…..TENDER

Slow Love…..TENDER

Side Note: If you find yourself in the midst of a Spiritual Awakening; Welcome to the Unofficial Club!!! I know the early days of a Spiritual Awakening can feel maddening, confusing and exhausting. There are so many ego deaths involved. The unnerving questioning of Identity, questioning the meaning of this life, past life memories resurfacing, experiencing intense and energy draining Ascension symptoms, the list goes on. I know when I was in the early days of going through the Initiation of a Spiritual Awakening; I experienced confusion, loneliness, and a lack of direction. What I wished I had during those days was some kind of guide…maybe even a coach? A Spiritual Awakening Coach. That is exactly why I offer these kinds of wellness coaching services. I know how valuable it is to be able to talk about experiencing ALL of the kinds of experiences that come with going through a Spiritual Awakening. I understand the kind of peace one can receive when they get the support that they need. 

Also, if you find that you are at a crossroads with the relationship you have with your Sexual Wellness and have serious questions or qualms about it, working with a coach may be helpful. Again, I understand how participating within a working relationship, how working with a coach, can lend vital support around having clarity and ease within oneself over time. Working with a Wellness Coach to support you in understanding a core human experience such as sexuality can play a big role in Growth and Expansion. 

Working with a Spiritual Awakening Coach can be an essential part of one’s Soul-U-tioN.