a great love or a great illusion part 5

Disclaimer

The information on this blog is not intended as a substitute for professional medical and/or mental health advice, diagnosis, or treatment. This blog is intended for informational purposes only. Any health concern must be assessed by a doctor or another licensed and/or certified clinician.

I am naturally a very curious person. I don’t remember when it was exactly, but it was before April of 2022. I was on Facebook, just mindlessly scrolling through. And then a thought came to me. I remembered how odd it felt when Wanderer’s sister friended me. She doesn’t even like me. And then I remembered a dinner that my parents’ hosted and had a couple of their friends over. Everyone at the table was chit chatting about social media, the pros and cons. Someone asked my dad if he was on Facebook. He said, “No”. An automatic response, then he gave me a side glance, he was nervous. I was poker face. At the time I didn’t know what that meant. He had a Facebook account, he just never used it. 

One spring day, I was on Facebook, just mindlessly scrolling through. Then my eyes went straight to my dad’s profile. I decided to message my “dad”, I typed in, “Wanderer?”, and hit send. When I did that, a jolt of anxiety went through me. 

If I thought my parents were acting jumpy before, this really set them off. My dad announced he and my mom deleted their Facebook accounts, he said it in a very pointed way. With me feeling Wanderer’s energy all around me and then this. I felt like I was getting fucked with. That is not the move to make with me. Before I went into foster care, being lied to, manipulated and then discarded was a regular experience in a more obvious and intense way compared to the kind of shit my adoptive parents pulled. Not only that, but my mom made attempts at dismissing me every time I would talk about understanding my Intuition more. It was an abrupt 180. She went from being mildly supportive to dismissive. More resentment built up in me. 

On his birthday, Wanderer messaged me via Facebook messenger. The second I saw his message, my whole body reacted. It was like my body was saying, “Dingdingding!!! Dingdingding!!! You have a connection with this person!”. 

He mentioned that he wasn’t usually on that platform. He mentioned his grandmother had sent him a birthday wish. And then he realized I had messaged him. I knew he was lying. 

At this point with my Intuition, I would still have doubts about it; lots of conflicting ups and downs. Besides, I thought of Wanderer as a highly intelligent and ambitious person, if he really wanted to get to know me, he would have made it happen. Also…..I had seen some photos of his wedding, of his wife (on Facebook: where hopes and dreams go to die). His pretty, little, military wife. She seemed like the kind of girl who needs a man in her life. In a co-dependent way, in a pleasepleaseplease take care of me way. I am not his type, I thought.

We briefly chatted. He was kind. He responded to my questions thoughtfully. I asked him if he had past life memories about our Souls. He said he did not. I still didn’t believe him. I didn’t see the point in confronting him about this and I still doubted myself. I felt highly conflicted. 

People lie for so many reasons. Even though I knew he was lying, it isn’t my job to get people to be honest. They will either be honest or not. If they choose to be a liar, that’s on them. 

I needed to get back on track with my life. 

With my counseling career on hold. I had no luck finding a job that was interesting to me. I decided to accept a job at the methadone clinic I had worked at before the pandemic started. It wasn’t ideal but it was enough to get me the hell out of Southern Oregon. 

Just before I moved to Portland, my mom gave me a gift. She handed me a small bottle of perfume. The instant I touched the glass bottle I immediately saw Wanderer in my mind and heard, “I love you”. Uh-oh.

I was relieved to live in Portland again. I found a really cute place in the north west neighborhood; it was a quick walk to Washington Park which was a perk. I had 3 female roommates. We all lived our own lives. It was a very workable situation. I got reacquainted with a couple of girlfriends of mine; we laugh a lot when we are together. I was focused on my career. I spent the weekends hiking at Washington Park. Aaannnd, I would still feel Wanderer’s energy all around me.

The first weekend I was back in Portland I went for a hike in Washington Park. I took a photo and I sent it to Fairness?. She helped me to sort through some very confusing things. I was grateful for that. But I also felt like she was deliberately withholding information from me. It was apparent that Wanderer didn’t want to talk about the crush he had on me when we were kids. And I would still feel his energy around me. That was confusing. I didn’t know what to make of that. Again, it is not my job to try to corner people into giving me a particular outcome. 

I had always really liked Fairness?, so getting to know her a little bit from the conversations we had was lovely. I really appreciated her perspective. I felt less alone talking to her. 

And so when I moved back to Portland, I would sparingly and randomly text her. Just to offer her a thought that came through to me. I didn’t ever expect her to respond. I just like sharing thoughts. 

Work was very difficult. I wound up quitting that job because (surprise, surprise) of the toxic leadership at the clinic. I had worked there for just about 90 days when I just couldn’t take the shitty leadership anymore. There was no accountability. I witnessed odd power dynamics between the clinical director and the clinical supervisor. I decided to call it quits and that was not easy. Because as much as that kind of work is stressful, I still cared for the people I worked with. I just wanted to do my job but I was not given the support that I needed to actually do the work I wanted to do. So I quit. I ran away. 

I worked a temp job for a few weeks. It was fine. It got me through until I was hired at a non-profit that hired certified alcohol and drug counselors and provided counseling services in the local high schools in the Portland Metro area. 

As far as dating went. It was odd because I just felt like there was some kind of block. I wanted to date, but I also struggled with my energy levels and some days I was just really cranky and felt depleted. Dating was not even a hobby during this time in my life. 

I would occasionally go out with a friend and meet for drinks. One evening, my friend, Melissa, and I met at Bible Club. That is when I decided to tell her about alllll of the metaphysical experiences I had. I told her about Tupac, about thinking I had Covid and then getting a negative test, I told her about the intuitive hits I got about Wanderer.

“I feel so sure he is in the process of getting a divorce!”, I exclaimed nervously. I was so confused, I wasn’t sure if I wanted that or not. I had gotten some intense downloads about him leaving his wife. Just thinking about that stressed me out. 

Thank God for Melissa. She comforted me and reminded me that sometimes relationships end; people change. I was so grateful that she believed me. I felt less alone. 

The way I was mainly experiencing pleasure in my life was when I could go to Washington Park. But then I had to abruptly move out of the house I was co-renting, I had a very short notice. After a frenzied few days, I found a new place to live on the other side of the city. It was a decent house close to Mount Tabor Park. For those who are not aware, this park is one of Portland’s gems, during the summer months there are music events and the Adult Soapbox Derby in the Spring. This park is a magickal place. It turned out to be a real blessing to live in this area. 

At this house there was a spacious backyard. I spent quite a bit of time on the grass, under the trees meditating or reading. It was peaceful. Not long after I moved to this new house, I started receiving Vogue magazine on a consistent, monthly basis; I knew it was from Wanderer. 

On December 11, 2022, Melissa and I went to Coffin Club for Dark Market. It’s kind of like a Gothic craft fair with booze. :)  I was sipping on a cider which felt lovely. Since I rarely drink alcohol anymore, just after one drink, I’m toasted. I was having a lovely time looking at all of the dark creations. Melissa wanted to go upstairs for a tarot reading. I joined Melissa for her reading. The reader seemed genuine and confident in what she was doing. She felt like an authentic, intuitive tarot reader. After Melissa’s reading, I announced that I would like to be next. 

“Hhmmm. Are you polyamorous?”, she asked me. 

I took a moment to think about that. I feel like I would have been open to a situation like that when I was in my 20’s, but now I am just too damn tired and cranky. 

“Maybe when I was younger, I would have been into that. But right now? No, I don’t identify as being polyamorous”. 

She looked pensive. She looked at the cards she had drawn. 

“You have lived many lives before this one. You typically come here with a witchy or high priestess kind of energy; you’ve experienced a lot of death.”

I nodded. She gave me more details of my energetic blueprint which was accurate. She was reading me like a book. 

“You have a Soulmate”, she asserted. 

I froze. I–Did–NOT–Mention–That–Word. Then she went on to describe the deep, spiritual bond. How, for many generations, we come together. And it’s a beautiful, connected relationship, often. The thing I wonder about this whole soulmate connection is; is it actually possible for mine and your Soul to come together in every life? Because, that is how it feels for me. It feels like our two Souls always insist on finding each other. Which blows my mind. Because, I am such a cynic and this whole Soulmate stuff just sounds so extra. 

“Whoa, whoa. What makes you say we’re Soulmates?”, I asked. 

“This moon card, that’s you. This earth card, that’s him. The Earth and the Moon, one cannot exist without the other”. 

I was stunned by that statement. And what’s more, it felt True. I couldn’t deny all of the feelings and energy I felt. 

I had done a little research. According to Google, in the state you got married, if people want to file for divorce, the couple needs to be separated for a certain amount of months, a considerable stretch of time. Soooo, for months I was soooo certain you were making plans on getting a divorce. It scared me at times how sure I felt this was True. More months had passed. I was laser focused on my career. 

While working for a non-profit, I would bounce around from the organization’s office to several different schools throughout the week. It was challenging because it was such a different pace from what I was used to. This job really brought forward my leadership abilities, my creativity, my tendencies to nurture. Time flies. I really enjoyed working with teenagers. I felt into their confusion and found it to be relatable. I built up some amazing, trusting working relationships with the kids I counseled. Sometimes, they would try to dodge me, but over time, I gained their Trust. We would laugh together sometimes. More rarely, the students I worked with felt comfortable enough to cry before me, being completely vulnerable in their pain. I bore witness to their pain, to let them know they were not alone.

I started working with teens in the Fall of 2022. Not long after I started working there, I would tap into a very specific headspace. It was all about how I could figure out how to find or create a job I could do from home because I was a bit obsessed with planning on being a mom. Then, it transmuted to me needing to own my own business because that would give me more freedom, adaptability, and creativity. I figured I could adopt children since I am single. It was a very intense headspace. And I would bounce from this Mother Hen Headspace to being convinced that Wanderer was preparing to leave his wife for me to being laser focused on counseling the children I worked with. My energy felt scattered. I was exhausted most of the time. This scattered headspace went on for months. I was so busy and exhausted all of the time. And then my Intuition felt fuzzy. I decided to go in for an Astrology reading. This was in the first week in October of 2023. I met with the same Intuitive I had met at Coffin Club. 

I asked her about the Soulmate Connection. She said it was done. I was stunned, confused, frustrated. After that consultation, I texted Fairness? This is what I texted her: 

Hello! I thought you might be mildly, morbidly curious about some of the Meta-Physical stuff I’ve been experiencing lately. If I am wrong and you are not curious. Then, please, Disregard. Last Thursday I had my very first Astrology reading, which confirmed ALOT for me. I got confirmation about the past life violent deaths. About the past life soulmate connections with Wanderer. I also got confirmation about some of my abilities. One heightened ability is my mental psychic ability. Which means I can manifest things into the physical realm. Which checks out–last year, I did a money spell and got that exact amount when I accepted a promotion to clinical supervisor in a raise. I have been in denial about my Mediumship ability. Apparently, that is supposed to even out soon, which sounds nice. Apparently I will be able to see spirits. I’m not sure how I feel about that. I’m not sure how that is supposed to assist me in working with people. I prefer to focus on this physical realm; to help people gain clarity about who they truly are and providing support in healing. The thing I am really iffy about is this new soulmate connection. Apparently, it is in the stars that I will meet my soulmate for this specific lifetime soon. (It will be a real chill relationship vibe, that part sounds nice. I want, need and deserve chillchillchill). Prior to going through a spiritual awakening, I was very content with occasionally taking on a new lover. I was aware that some people get soulmates, I was not envious of this; I accepted it as a fact. This whole soulmate thing, as it applies to me, I’m kicking and screaming. My life was a little happier being oblivious about soulmate connections. Ignorance is Bliss, as they say. Sometimes that is absolutely correct. I miss that ObliVion. This new soulmate connection might be an architect, engineer; someone who works with his hands. Who does not have a lot of trauma. He might be an artist. The reader mentioned baking and went on a tangent to describe the beauty of wheat. In January, I am going to start a 6-month training program with Headspace. The curriculum of that program reminds me of Buddhism. I’m very excited for this! I haven’t felt this excited about something work related in many months. That’s all I wanted to share. I hope you and your people are well. 

So that was that. I had to release all of what I thought I knew and felt. I had to let go of this feeling that Wanderer wanted to be with me. Things change, nothing is guaranteed one way or another. 

One evening, I had an intuitive urge to go onto social media. I looked up Wanderer’s wife’s profile. And that is when I saw that you both had recently had a child together. 

To be continued…..

killer….FKA twigs

tears in the club…..FKA twigs (feat. the weekend) 

Lights On…..FKA twigs

all up in my head…..Sara Diana

You Were Meant For Me…..Jewel

Who Will Save Your Soul…..Jewel 

Intuition…..Jewel 

Need You Like That…..EZI

The Perfect Girl…..Mareux

R U Mine?.....Arctic Monkeys

Do I Wanna Know?.....Arctic Monkeys

Side Note: If you find yourself in the midst of a Spiritual Awakening; Welcome to the Unofficial Club!!! I know the early days of a Spiritual Awakening can feel maddening, confusing and exhausting. There are so many ego deaths involved. The unnerving questioning of Identity, questioning the meaning of this life, past life memories resurfacing, experiencing intense and energy draining Ascension symptoms, the list goes on. I know when I was in the early days of going through the Initiation of a Spiritual Awakening; I experienced confusion, loneliness, and a lack of direction. What I wished I had during those days was some kind of guide…maybe even a coach? A Spiritual Awakening Coach. That is exactly why I offer these kinds of wellness coaching services. I know how valuable it is to be able to talk about experiencing ALL of the kinds of experiences that come with going through a Spiritual Awakening. I understand the kind of peace one can receive when they get the support that they need. 

Also, if you find that you are at a crossroads with the relationship you have with your Sexual Wellness and have serious questions or qualms about it, working with a coach may be helpful. Again, I understand how participating within a working relationship, how working with a coach, can lend vital support around having clarity and ease within oneself over time. Working with a Wellness Coach to support you in understanding a core human experience such as sexuality can play a big role in Growth and Expansion. 

Working with a Spiritual Awakening Coach can be an essential part of one’s Soul-U-tioN.