A great love or a great illusion—part 4

Disclaimer

The information on this blog is not intended as a substitute for professional medical and/or mental health advice, diagnosis, or treatment. This blog is intended for informational purposes only. Any health concern must be assessed by a doctor or another licensed and/or certified clinician.

It was Springtime, the year was 2022. My intuition was becoming more frequent. Also, I experienced a lot of chronic fatigue during this time. Actually, the fatigue began in 2020. That was the time my anxiety also heightened at an overwhelming rate. Between those two feeling states, I didn’t have as much energy like I used to before the pandemic which was challenging. Working as an addictions counselor requires a lot of stamina. For years I only had energy to devote to my work and figuring out the anxiety, fatigue, and the intuitive hits that would come to me; I was taking things one day at a time. 

It was April when I realized that I can also communicate with spirits. Which was intense. I went to an Easter celebration with my parents. A friend of theirs lived on a beautiful property by the river with her husband and two children. She recently was cleared of cancer. I understood it was a very scary health battle for her. I had known of Cyrus and husband for years. They owned a local winery. I kept my distance from both of them. What I had felt into was their Insensitivity. Their shortsightedness on how other people exist in the world. Cyrus came from a wealthy background and could not relate well to the people who worked for her and her husband. Also, a bit of a shit communicator. Plus, I immediately picked up on a mean girl vibe from her. Actually, a couple of my friends used to work for her and her husband; it wasn’t that great of an experience. My friends did not enjoy working for them. What I remember my friends mentioning was that Cyrus would sometimes mention to people that she had been friends with Tupac. Yes, the one and only Tupac. It was my understanding that Cyrus had been friends with him just before he got really famous and at the beginning of him getting very famous. I remember when first hearing about this supposed friendship, I rolled my eyes. This felt like an exaggeration on Cyrus’s part. It is not uncommon for people to proclaim, 

“Oh, I was friends with such and such before they got famous”. As if it’s some kind of social capital. And I suppose that does work for superficial people. Cyrus had gone to high school around the San Francisco area, as did Tupac. In high school, Cyrus had been a cheerleader, and was very popular. Had a lot of wealth and privilege. Not exactly relatable. The impression I had gotten was that Tupac had attended the same “good”, white, wealthy high school as Cyrus. That is how they had met, they were classmates. I had assumed that, at most, they had shared a class way back when. I didn’t believe that Cyrus actually had been friends with him. 

So when my parents invited me to go to this celebration, I was on guard. I remember on the way there, I was in the back seat of the car and noticed my energy dipping. 

I shared with my parents, “It’s going to be a low energy kind of day”. 

When we got to the property. I noticed the beautiful, healing energy of living in nature. They lived in a gorgeous house by the river. They lived surrounded by so much beauty. I had noticed the sauna in their garage and was reminded that Cyrus had very recently been cleared of cancer. I remember when I saw her, I actually felt very happy to see her. She looked healthy. Wearing a beautiful, flowing, yellow spring dress. I felt a gentleness when I looked at her, which I was surprised by. I complimented her sense of style, she responded, “All I want to be is comfortable”.

“Comfortable and fashionable”, I said, smiling at her. I felt into Love while looking at her. 

I was also distracted by all of the other people, the energy, the stimulation. I quickly went for a walk to get a closer view of the river. When I returned to the house to go to the bathroom, I passed by Cyrus’s daughter, who looked to be 11. When I saw this girl, I was struck by feeling and thinking to myself, “She’s so beautiful. And sweet. Lovely. A beautiful work of art”. I asked her where the bathroom was. She politely pointed and said it was just up the stairs. 

It was mostly Cyrus and her husband’s friends and a couple of neighbors that attended the easter day party. I mostly kept to myself, taking little breaks interacting with other people. The adults got to hide A LOT of plastic easter eggs all over the property. I had sooooo much fun taking handfuls of eggs and helping to scatter them for the children to find. It was such a joy to see the children so happy, so enthusiastic. It filled my Heart space. I watched with amusement and a sense of pride while Cyrus’s daughter climbed a very tall and huge tree to retrieve one of those eggs. I thought I had heard that particular egg had some money in it. I cheered her on as I gleefully watched this beautiful girl in a dress (with shorts on underneath) carefully and diligently climb this massive tree. She struggled a bit but was determined. A couple of the kids on the ground playfully threw stuff at her in attempts to distract from her goal. I joined the other adults who were cheering her on. 

“Get it! You got this! Yeah!!!!!!”. It was so much fun to see her finally get that egg!!! Everyone erupted in cheers for her Victory. There was so much joyous energy around everyone, it was lovely. 

A little later. I noticed an uncomfortable energy around me. Then I saw him. He looked to be about 25, I think? He was looking at me, he could hardly contain himself. He was standing next to his mother and (awkwardly) with some distance there stood his wife. Earlier in the day I had noticed this young couples’ toddler toddle around while the toddler’s grandfather lovingly watched over him, making sure he stayed safe. Earlier in the day, I had also noticed this young man having a lot of fun helping to hide the eggs for the children. I observed and noted (because I observe everything) how conventionally attractive he was. Curly hair, a tall and strong build. 

But the way he was looking at me was very uncomfortable. The way he was rendered speechless and making garbled noises at the same time made me want to teleport the fuck out of there. When I realized he was looking at me and struggling to make sense, I kept my distance. And immediately went into appeasing mode, trying to soften the tense energy around us. Mind you, my body was completely covered. I wore one of my favorite dresses that is both comfortable and fashionable. It is a black dress, with a high neck, full sleeves and the dress goes below my knees. I wear a thick, black belt to snatch in my waist. I know my body has a certain kind of shape that some men really enjoy and the immediate thoughts that come forward are SEXSEXSEX. Whether I have gained weight or not, my body shape still retains a certain kind of silhouette. 

I made attempts to inject some lighthearted humor, it didn’t seem to make a difference. There were other people standing around, observing this strange interaction. His mom stood next to him, she said, “This is my son”. 

“Yes, I can tell that he is your son”, and smiled nervously. They both had very curly hair, it was a distinguished physical feature of theirs. 

I stood there awkwardly, noticing this young man’s wife, she seemed stressed, to say the least. This whole situation highlighted to me how some people shouldn’t be married. Not when they still feel the need to roam and plant seeds; if you know what I mean. 

I wanted to get the fuck out of there. No one was doing anything to intervene. Can someone distract this guy, pleeeaaase??? The strained awkwardness continued to grow. I remember abruptly leaving the area. I didn’t say anything, I just kept smiling nervously and left the area. I went to the river. 

A few days later I was looking for a job. I had recently quit my counseling job due to the toxic work culture. My body could not keep up. A week prior to me quitting, I had so much tension in my body, I felt trapped in my own body due to the tension. I knew I had to get the hell out of there, so I quit that job and did not look back. I dropped my resume off at a small, feminist pleasure shoppe. Aaaannndd, since I was there, I looked around admiring the plethora of items for sale. Lots of sensual products. What caught my eye were some lavender shower steamers, they were elegant and beautiful. 

“This is perfect”, I thought to myself. 

The next night I received another intense intuitive hit. This time it was NOT about Wanderer. 

I kept seeing Cyrus and Tupac but there was distance between them. The physical sensations were so intense, I could not ignore it. My mind was in an infinite loop of Cyrus and Tupac CyrusTupacCyrusTupacCyrusTupacCyrusTupacCyrusTupacCyrusTupac CyrusTupacCyrusTupacCyrusTupacCyrusTupacCyrusTupacCyrusTupac

CyrusTupacCyrusTupacCyrusTupacCyrusTupacCyrusTupacCyrusTupac 

I begrudgingly went to my computer and got onto Youtube. I searched for Tupac. The first result was an interview he did with Ed Gordon in ‘94. Watching this interview, my Intuition vibrated as Tupac talked about how he wanted to master learning how to channel his energy more effectively ; how racism impacts and harms everyone ; the greed in American Culture, the Exploitation. As I was watching this interview, the sensations lessened. In my mind; I felt into Love and saw Cyrus and Tupac. Holy shit! I was so wrong about Cyrus. Ego checked. Tupac has a deep, profound LOVE for this woman. 

Then, I remembered the shower steamers. They were from him!!! He wanted me to give them to her. He desperately demanded that I give them to her. When morning came, I was outside grounding, attempting to gain clarity. I made plans to mail the shower steamers to Cyrus. For Tupac, that was NOT good enough. I had to give her the gift in person. Period. I asked my mom for Cyrus’s phone number. When I entered the number into my phone, I immediately texted her to ask her if she could meet with me as soon as possible. This was on a Saturday, the date was 4/23/2022.

Phoebe: It is really important I see you today as soon as possible to deliver a package to you. Where can I meet you? This is Phoebe. 

Cyrus: For Cyrus? I’m in Medford now. 

Phoebe: Yes. Where in Medford can I meet you?

Cyrus: I’m at Barnes and Noble. I can meet up in Central Point if that helps.

Phoebe: I can be there in about 40 minutes.

Cyrus: Ok. I’ll be here:)

Before I left to go to Medford. I quickly wrote Cyrus a note to go with the lavender shower steamers. As I was writing this note, I remember feeling scrambled. The note consisted of congratulating her on beating cancer. 

I will take a pause here to highlight that I am not the type of person to insert myself into peoples’ lives. I mind my own fucking business. So doing something like this was very outside of my comfort zone. I don’t believe in rescuing people. I just try to stay in my own lane. So this whole interaction was deeply uncomfortable for me. However, due to the intense physical sensations, it was motivating me to act quickly. The more I did what Tupac wanted me to do, the less anxiety and uncomfortable sensations I experienced. 

I met her inside the bookstore, we decided to go outside for this conversation. We were in front of the building, away from other people. 

“I have something for you!”, I awkwardly gave her the note. She read it, then looked at me confused. Then I gave her the lavender shower steamers. I watched her look at them, she seemed delighted. 

“They’re beautiful!”. 

“They’re from him! From Tupac!”. She looked pensive for a moment. 

“You know, when I knew him. He was just a guy”.

And then something clicked and opened within her. 

She spoke about how chaotic both of their lives were. She talked about the parties, with underaged girls. And how sometimes she would wait for him in her car. And then when he got really famous. 

“And I knew I couldn’t reach him. He had so many venomous people around him. I had to save myself. I couldn't save him. I had to save myself”. 

“He understands. He understands. He has soooooo much Love for you. He is so happy that you have so much Beauty in your life. And your children! You’re Beautiful children. He is so happy for you”.  

She nodded, then started to cry. “I know, I know that”. 

Then she mentioned his mother. I felt into her despair and being rejected. 

“I’m sure she was like, ‘Good job Tupac! A rich, white girl! Great! She was so racist!”. Her feeling of rejection was so potent. 

I was taken aback by her deep well of sadness that she had been carrying with her for decades. Even though she attempted to dismiss the profound, spiritual connection she shared with Tupac, there was no mistaking the grief; the sleepless nights thinking, “What if?….”.

“You know, I know in an alternate universe. We are together with our children”. I felt into her desire for things to be different. 

“So many people are still so obsessed with him. People want to know what he ate, they can’t stop talking about him. If I wrote a book about our relationship, I would make sooo much money”, she was pensive as she said this. 

She stood there sobbing for a few minutes. Then she smiled. 

“You know, sometimes he was like a little boy”. The image of Tupac being very exuberant, gleeful and excited for life and being naked flashed in my mind. We both giggled. 

“So. Why, you? Why would he choose you to give me this message?”. 

“I grew up in neighborhoods similar to how he grew up before I went into foster care. Also my addiction counseling background. And when I was in Portland I took psychology classes centered on American Masculinity and African-American Masculinity; those classes changed my life. It all made sense to me.”. 

“He has a message for you too. This isn’t just about me”, she asserted. I thought for a minute. At that moment, I couldn’t think about what kind of message he would have for me. I don’t have a connection with him. 

We said our goodbyes. 

Later that evening, Cyrus and I had a brief text exchange.

Phoebe: I forgot to mention he did come through with a specific message for me. Recently at my previous employment I was confronted with the leadership that currently have a lot of narcissistic qualities. He gave me the message that I have to strengthen and use my intuition to better meet people where they are at, not where I believe they should be, headspace wise. I have lived many lives before this one. In a lot of my previous lives I have a mission to bring more balance and harmony to this world, I always come back to this world as a woman. In a lot of my previous lives I get brutally murdered by intensely insecure, hurt men. So he gave me that message and now I have all the conviction I need to actively use my intuition as I see fit, with the intention to bring more harmony. 

Also, he wanted me to highlight he had a lot of internalized trauma he had no idea how to address AND he was an empath. Combined with being exploited by a lot of narcissists it created a lot of emotional havoc. 

Cyrus: Thank you. I was able to write down what I needed to say to him. I never thought he would need to know that I forgive both of us and that I am proud of him. I wish I had known the whole person. We were so young and living a ‘throw yourself over the finish line fight’ to survive. Our lives collided. The fallout needed to be dealt with. Now I’m burning what I wrote (while having a gin and juice–long story). Thank you. What an unexpected good day.

A week later I texted her this:

I feel a bond with you since we had our conversation. I hope you are feeling well. Also. I just discovered that Grants Pass has a metaphysical shop. It is called Juniper Stones. I’m going to go there this afternoon to pick up some sodalite stones for clarity and to cleanse energy. Just thought I would tell you about this shop in case you didn’t know. 

Cyrus: I am good. Thank you! Thanks for the heads up on the GP store. I didn’t realize it existed. I’ll check it out. 

Tupac often thought about Cyrus. But she drifted away. And he wanted to be successful and to have Power to help the People. And then more shit went down. He got farther and farther away from her. He had no idea how to get back to her. Everything got so fucked up. He needed to serve the People. They needed him. He thought about her everyday. He tried to fill up the Vacant Void within him. He just couldn’t figure out how he could get back to her. It hurt him so bad that he couldn’t get back to her. He carried that Loss with him to his death. 

About a year and a half later Cyrus had passed on. Her cancer came back, very aggressive. She really struggled to let go of all that did not serve her highest good. She struggled with change. 

To be continued….

Some music I listened to while writing this:

FEEL…..Beneld, BURY

Speak No Evil…..Demo Club, TENDER

mary magdalene…..FKA twigs

sad day…..FKA twigs

fallen alien…..FKA twigs

mirrored heart…..FKA twigs

California Love-Original Version…..2Pac, Roger, Dr. Dre

Side Note: If you find yourself in the midst of a Spiritual Awakening; Welcome to the Unofficial Club!!! I know the early days of a Spiritual Awakening can feel maddening, confusing and exhausting. There are so many ego deaths involved. The unnerving questioning of Identity, questioning the meaning of this life, past life memories resurfacing, experiencing intense and energy draining Ascension symptoms, the list goes on. I know when I was in the early days of going through the Initiation of a Spiritual Awakening; I experienced confusion, loneliness, and a lack of direction. What I wished I had during those days was some kind of guide…maybe even a coach? A Spiritual Awakening Coach. That is exactly why I offer these kinds of wellness coaching services. I know how valuable it is to be able to talk about experiencing ALL of the kinds of experiences that come with going through a Spiritual Awakening. I understand the kind of peace one can receive when they get the support that they need. 

Also, if you find that you are at a crossroads with the relationship you have with your Sexual Wellness and have serious questions or qualms about it, working with a coach may be helpful. Again, I understand how participating within a working relationship, how working with a coach, can lend vital support around having clarity and ease within oneself over time. Working with a Wellness Coach to support you in understanding a core human experience such as sexuality can play a big role in Growth and Expansion. 

Working with a Spiritual Awakening Coach can be an essential part of one’s Soul-U-tioN.