porn

Disclaimer

The information on this blog is not intended as a substitute for professional medical and/or mental health advice, diagnosis, or treatment. This blog is intended for informational purposes only. Any health concern must be assessed by a doctor or another licensed and/or certified clinician.

Soooooo. Sexuality is confusing. Especially in this culture where there are many confusing messages about sharing space with another person, body shaming, blurry boundaries (or no mention of what boundaries are altogether); this list goes on for ages.  

I was exposed to porn at a very young age. It was confusing. Having experienced sexual abuse throughout my childhood, I struggled to exist in my body; I focused my existence in my head instead. And as a teenager who struggled to feel safe in her own body, who hated her body, who would fantasize disfiguring her body as a way to claim some kind of Sovereignty…when it came to gaining any kind of attention for my body (via the Male Gaze), I was flooded with a lot of mixed messages and feelings. The feeling that was the most prominent was RAGE. Even though a lot of people considered me to not be very smart, I was very aware of the expectation for girls and women to stay silent when boys and men behaved badly. I was very aware of the victim shaming that happens; that is expected. Which was why I spent so much of my energy scanning my environment to make sure I wasn't in the company of any predators and if I was in their company, I stayed as far away as possible. In an intuitive way, I was tuned into the fact that for a lot of children who experience sexual abuse, they also tend to experience that kind of abuse as teens and adults; it becomes a cycle. It is almost as if they become magnets for predators. I had the mentality of, “Any attention is bad attention”. Since I was so very traumatized by my past, dating as a teen was very stressful, because on one hand I wanted to be attractive and likable and on the other hand my Inner Lilith was like, “Who gives a Fuck?”. Two very intensely opposing emotional experiences. One thing about me, is even though I have struggled intensely with self-worth, I have always been able to tap into my Self-Assurance. I didn’t compare myself with other people. I didn’t care who was dating who. Or who was getting the most attention. I have always had the wisdom to know that I am living life on my own terms.  

When I was 18, I began a masturbation practice. I intentionally waited until I was 18. Until I was a legal adult. I gave myself that timeline because I wanted to attempt to give myself some kind of a lopsided childhood and to procrastinate dealing with how I defined and explored my own sexuality. So, for years my masturbation practice was centered on being present in my body and focused on the sensations. At the time, I was not aware of just how healthy it is to cultivate a practice like this. I just really enjoyed orgasms and I liked how a lot of people assume that women don’t enjoy orgasms; I felt Deviant. And I liked it. 

I approached sex in a very serious way. The goal with the sex I engaged in with my partners was centered on my choice. It was important for me to collaborate in those relationships and to not be just passive. I was also very detached. My heart was frozen. I was aware that sex was not a loving activity for me. It was a means to an end. 

I think I was in my mid-twenties when I discovered the works of Erika Lust. She is a feminist pornographer. The kind of porn she films is centered on Female Pleasure. My kinda porn. Before watching the porn on her website, I avoided mainstream porn. I didn’t like it. It felt constricting. Cold. Dehumanizing. It just reminded me of the stuff I was exposed to when I was a child. But this feminist porn was different. The fact that the women were actually Cumming made quite the impression. The kind of videos I would watch were really romantic with A LOT of eye gazing. This porn did not reflect the kind of sex I had. The kind of sex I had was fucking. The kind of sex I had was surface and superficial because I wanted it that way. It felt safer for me at that time. 

What I know for sure, is that me having a very consistent Pleasure Practice helped me to feel safer in my body. Over time, I felt less afraid of being around other people. This was a major tool in helping myself heal from trauma. Not the only tool but a major one. Also, watching other women experience pleasure from their male partners helped me to thaw my frozen, black, broken heart. Over time, the thought of having loving, connected sex didn’t feel like such a Threat.  

In 2022 I received an energetic download. What I saw was someone from my past. He was saying, “I love you I love you I love you”, over and over again. And he was touching himself. And I felt this intense Orgasmic Energy explode all throughout my body. It was Intoxicating. Never had an experience like that before. Then I felt sad for him. Because now I knew that he still thinks about me like that. I had convinced myself that he didn’t think about me. That he had forgotten about me. But that wasn’t True. 

I couldn’t stop thinking about that Intoxicating Feeling. What a rush. It felt so good. One evening I was alone in bed thinking about that feeling. And I wanted to experience that feeling again. I touched myself and when I came I experienced a very intense, full-body orgasm with ease. It became addicting. It definitely spiced up my own Pleasure Practice.  This became a consistent habit very quickly; me thinking about him as I touched myself and came. Then a few months down the line, I decided I wanted to stop thinking about him like that. We weren’t in a relationship and I started to feel weird thinking about him like that. I tried to stop but couldn’t. I tried and I tried and I tried. It got very frustrating for me that I could not not think about him. In an attempt to escape this, I started watching a lot more porn in an attempt to get him out of my head. I couldn’t watch the feminist porn because he was there, in my head. I was getting frantic. I felt very constrained. And frustrated. I wanted to stop thinking about this person but I just couldn’t. That is when I started watching more mainstream porn. It was an attempt to get him out of my head. Since I struggled to stop thinking about him, my Practice became less consistent. It went from every day to once or twice a week. It was so frustrating. I felt agonized about this. And guilty. When I watched the more mainstream porn, it was a hit or miss situation if he would pop into my consciousness or not. I wanted to stop thinking about this person but I just could not stop. I felt trapped. Over time, I watched more and more porn and over time it felt more and more like a compulsion. Not something I can entirely control. Very uncomfortable. 

Recently I have begun participating in a program created by Taylor Perkins. He is on Instagram as iamtaylorperkins. His program is called Quantum Rite of Passage: Fragmented to Sovereign. 

The way he views porn addiction is as an Initiation. I agree. 

One journal prompt that is offered is: 

Why am I here? What power do I know is waiting for me?

My response: 

I am here to step more into my Sovereignty. I know more of my Creative, Alchemical Power is waiting for me.  

Tropico…..Lana Del Rey (Explicit Short Film–youtube)

Gods and Monsters…..Lana Del Rey

Cinnamon Girl…..Lana Del Rey