That boy from my adolescence
Disclaimer
The information on this blog is not intended as a substitute for professional medical and/or mental health advice, diagnosis, or treatment. This blog is intended for informational purposes only. Any health concern must be assessed by a doctor or another licensed and/or certified clinician
That Boy From My Adolescence, he won’t leave me alone. Will we always be psychically bound to one another? Will it be Forever??? At first, I thought this Psychic Connection was ALL Romantic and LOVELOVELOVE. It is more complex and messier than that. It is not simple, it is not straightforward.
There are times where I feel Revulsion and Disgust towards him; RESENTMENT.
And then I remember when we were children and how much he Loved; With His Whole Heart. So much Beauty.
He has Lied and GasLighted me so much. He thinks of me as His Possession. He thinks of me as his Play Thing. Very Dehumanizing.
What kind of example are you going to set for your Beautiful Child??? Are you going to lead with Lying and Manipulation and GasLighting and Shame? Like what your Father and Mother did to you? Are you going to repeat those intergenerational wounds? Are you going to hurt your child and not give a flying fuck???! What kind of Father are you going to be? You helped to call in this Beautiful Soul and it is YOUR RESPONSIBILITY to support and guide your child that is in alignment with their age development and Frame Of Reference. Are you going to expect them to read your fucking mind? Are you going to impose your expectations onto them? Are you going to make assumptions about them and declare that to be Truth? Are you going to Confuse the fuck out of your child and then dominate them with Shame???! Are you not going to hold yourself Accountable for the behavior you model for your Beautiful Child???
What kind of Father are you going to be???
In moments of Challenge and you see your Child struggling ; are you going to tell them, “Suck it up kid; Life’s hard, get used to it”. OR. “Don’t be a Pussy”. Either directly or indirectly; are you going to be the kind of Father who pulls this Shit???
Please REMEMBER You Are Love!!! YOU ARE LOVE!!!! YOU ARE LOVE!!!!!
I felt inspired to re-read some of the messages I sent you a few years back. One of the things about you that scares me ALOT is your Privilege and Power. You are a highly educated military officer. You are a cisgendered, straight, white, heterosexual male. A Devoted Husband. YOU are in a position of Power and Authority. YOU are at the Top Of The Fucking Food Chain in our fucked up patriarchal culture. And on a physical level, you are still so fucking Gorgeous.
And yet. You have been HIDING for so many years. YOU are not as you appear. There is so much more to you. YOU are like the many colors of a Prism; such a Spectrum, such a Sight.
PLEASE REMEMBER YOU ARE LOVE!!!!!
The following message is what I wrote to you. At that time my Intuition felt so violent in my body and the only way it would subside is if I wrote you messages. At that time, my ego was telling me, “Fuck no. YOU do not want to be involved with this person. It isn’t safe!!!” But the compulsion and the abusive sensations in my body held me hostage. And so I wrote to you, even though I would have preferred to ignore my Intuition. That would have been far, far easier and more comfortable for me. I wrote and sent this to you before I knew you had a child with your wife. I have altered names and significant landmarks to protect the innocent and the not so innocent.
Wanderer,
Please know that writing these messages to you has not been what I want to do, rather, it is more like an intuitive compulsion. I am not attached to a specific outcome or expect a response from you. I don’t feel entitled to receive anything from you.
Since the last time we communicated, I have become more accepting that I am indeed a witch with psychic abilities. For better and for worse. I feel inclined to share some thoughts with you. And as always, it's weird. :)
Going back to that last time I visited with my adoptive mom and you invited me to that school play. During that time, I was experiencing intense suicidal ideation. All I could think about were ways to kill myself. I was not expecting to stick around. It was around that time I was really struggling with the loss of a friend I had known since I was about 5 or 6. She had been coming in and out of my life for as long as I could remember. I really loved her. She was a soulmate. She got pregnant when she was 16, had the baby, and eventually became addicted to drugs. I knew I would never see her again and I had no idea how to process that loss. We had been close when we were kids but then grew apart before high school. I always worried about her.
That night during dinner and all throughout the play, I was focused on thinking about how eventually I would not be around and you would get older, go off to college and meet a girl who made the most sense to you. And you would get over your childhood crush. You would forget about me. You would move on. I hoped that for you. I believed that would be the absolute BEST thing for you; me not being in your life.
But my mind wanders to a lot of coincidences over the years: On two separate occasions my adoptive dad giving me a sweatshirt during the time you were attending that school. I didn’t think much of it at the time. I literally thought he was being sweet towards me and moved on with my day. Your sister friending me on Facebook after I set my profile to private, even though I knew she thought of me as being too weird; she doesn’t even like me. And then, I remember seeing a profile photo of you; it was you on the beach holding a sea turtle. It was odd because when I first saw that photo, the first thought I had was that it was intended for me, it was directed towards me. That photo felt like an offering. Then I thought how weird and random that was. It was just yet another crazy thought. I discarded that thought and moved on to the next thing, refusing to think about you. Still hoping that you had forgotten about me. That you didn’t think about me.
I didn’t plan on any of this. Before experiencing that intense intuitive hit back in September, my general life outline included focusing on meaningful work and a few close, intimate friendships with an occasional fling here and there. It was straightforward and simple; not a lot of intense emotions involved. But, I’m different now. Experiencing these intense mystical, magical and spiritual events; I will continue to grow and evolve into the most authentic expression of my soul’s desire.
Also, I know that cocktail mixer; that was a gift from you. What a coincidence! That mixer gets made 3 hours from where you were living at the time. I didn’t even read the label about where it was made until after I had experienced that intense intuitive hit I had gotten about you. I had written my adoptive dad that first email about if you had some unresolved feelings from when we were teenagers. That intuitive hit I had about you when I was very afraid I might have gotten some sudden, severe symptoms of Covid. That was a very long night and day. My adoptive parents went off to go camping. I went to get tested for Covid (the test came back negative), attempted to get some rest and then later that evening, I made myself a very strong old fashioned. I looked at the bottle more closely and read the back of the label and noticed it was made in —--------------------. I knew you lived relatively close in that area. Anyway, when I read the back of that label, all of my intuitive senses started ringing.
This is where I want to express my gratitude towards you. Up until then, I was not paying attention to my psychic abilities. I kept gaslighting myself that I was just really fucking crazy. My theory is, there was some kind of energy transfer that happened. When you gave my adoptive dad that bottle of mixer, your intention/energy was all over it. I think coming into physical contact with that bottle helped me to experience a very powerful and potent psychic experience. After that intuitive hit I had gotten about you, I became just a little bit more accepting of myself and my abilities. It cornered me to understand myself on a deeper level that I had nooooo idea that existed up until then. That was a pivotal moment for me and I am very grateful for that gift.
I also know when I unfriended your sister after your brother’s wedding, my adoptive dad made “his” profile so you would still get access to what I was posting on Facebook. Why didn’t you ever message me? Why have you been so secretive and not direct about these things?
Okay, so, this next thing is personal. I have debated a lot if I should or should not share this. I don’t know what the right answer is. Like I said, I didn’t ask for any of this. It just is.
In February 2022, I was given another intuitive hit about you. I saw you. The present day, adult you. The you that identifies as —------------------. What I saw was you masturbating and you were saying, “I love you” over and over and over again. It was made very clear to me that you were thinking about me. Then I experienced this warm, orgasmic sensation all throughout my body…it wasn’t bad. It was orgasmic energy, so, yes it felt very pleasurable. I don’t know why I was given that download, but I was, and I understood that you were absolutely thinking about me when you were saying, “I love you” over and over again. And then I felt very sad for you because that means you did not forget about me in the way I had hoped. I had really wanted you to forget those feelings. And for a really long time I thought you did move away from that and believing that the feelings you had for me were put to rest. Like I said, that is what I wanted for you. I didn’t want you to be burdened by missing me. For a really long time, I just felt like poison; like I was no good. I also had zero desire for a committed relationship, just thinking about commitment in that way felt claustrophobic; like a trap.
Earlier this year, on January 6th, I met with a psychic medium. I went in to see her for a soul blueprint reading. I got a lot of confirmations. Getting those confirmations brings me comfort. However, I realize how I still doubt myself and my abilities; that is a constant work in progress. Back in 2021, when I was first experiencing all of these downloads and knowings about our souls’ histories, my intuition highlighted how our souls have been visiting Earth since before patriarchy. And every time my soul comes back, she remembers (on a subconscious level) the balance and harmony and freedom in existing as a human being in the world in the Before times; and since patriarchy has been a thing, she always tries to help to get back to balance. My initial intuitive knowing was that in all of the lives where I was murdered, your soul in all of those lives, always tries to stop it, but in those lives, you get overpowered by others and then a lot of violence and gore. And then I die. And then you are never okay after that. I felt relieved that the psychic highlighted that in all of those lives, you try to save me. I was afraid that I was wrong. I wondered if maybe in those past lives, you were unwittingly, partly responsible for the deaths. Like being dismissive or minimizing or manipulative or whatever else. I was afraid that my initial intuitive knowing was wrong.
One thing from that reading that I spend quite a bit of time thinking about, is this specific past life we had together. I’m pretty sure it was the most recent past life we had together before this current life. It was sometime either in the 1700’s or the early 1800’s, most likely in France. In this life I worked as a prostitute/madam in a brothel. In that underworld, I had social status. I lived my own life. I genuinely enjoyed my freedom and generally enjoyed the work even with the darkness that came with it. I was also addicted to absinthe. You, in this life, had more mainstream success and recognition. You tried to convince me to create a life with you but I refused. I was afraid of change. I was afraid of being judged by others. I had a lot of revulsion for my body. (I was a prostitute, so, a lot of health issues in that arena). I also struggled with this deep conviction of not being good enough. In this past life I believed, truly, you were so much better off without me. The BEST thing for you would be for me to not be in your life. That kind of feeling, that kind of conviction, that belief that you would be better off without me transferred from that life into this life. That’s a curious thing.
In case you are thinking I need therapy; I have a two hour appointment with a hypnotherapist on Feb. 5th. ;)
In this current life, I don’t know you. I have no idea if I would enjoy your company. But the memories from the past lives are on a whole different level. I worry about you. Sometimes I feel like I miss you, which sounds crazy, I know.
I don’t know what your experience has been. I know for me, overall, it's been intense and, at times, unnerving.
Do you want to talk? If you do, please text me. We can figure out a good time to chat. My cell is 777-777-7777.
Be safe.
Much Love,
Phoebe
And then I found out you had the child. It was a very big shock to me because for months I felt your energy around me. I was so convinced you were making arrangements to get a divorce. I felt your energy and it felt so lovely…at times. At other times it felt unnerving and claustrophobic; constricting. I was so confused. I wanted you so badly but it appeared that you were not thinking about me. Not when I saw the photos on Instagram. You appear to be a devoted husband and father. I felt confused and hurt. I also knew I had to let you go. Maybe I was making ALL of this up? Maybe I was schizophrenic??? Maybe I am just really fucking crazy!!!
Now I know I am definitely a Powerful Psychic. And at times, my Power pisses you off. It makes you feel Small, Unseen, Insignificant. That is NEVER my intention with you.
I have ALWAYS Loved you!!!
For so many years I was Numb.
The following is the final message I sent you before deleting that account.
Wanderer,
Just a few more thoughts. So, it turns out remembering stuff from past lives is confusing as fuck. I don’t know why I tapped into your energy in that September. But for some reason I did. For the past couple of years, these kinds of time looping/spiritual experiences have forced me to think about love and to meditate heavily on it. Before these experiences, I was very apathetic towards people who were chasing love. I thought of them as suckers, I looked down on that whole situation; I was arrogant. But now, I have a more holistic understanding and appreciation that has widened my frame of reference.
I was happy to discover that you and Ann created new life, a baby. I am relieved, very relieved. It has been a tortuous thought just thinking about you having unresolved feelings towards me from our teenage years and dragging that into adulthood. I don’t get off on believing that people are dreadfully living their lives in agony while secretly pining away for me. I’m too sensitive for that shit.
I hope fatherhood gives you the experiences and self knowledge that you are expecting and hopeful for.
When I met with that psychic/medium in January. In that reading, what she brought forward was you in this current life. What she communicated was that you still have feelings for me. I had a very strong feeling she was wrong. Which was why I sent you that message a month ago. That just didn’t feel right. When I was 18, I knew I was going to have a mountain of a mess to clean up from my upbringing and I knew I had to do it alone (mostly). It has been a winding journey to reclaim my sovereignty. I have always envisioned meeting someone who didn’t know of me from my adolescence. Those years were too bleak and dark.
If you or someone from your inner circle ever goes through a spiritual awakening, it might be helpful to know that it can be inconvenient and not for the faint of heart. Support is helpful. I am a person who knows herself very well and thoroughly; and these experiences have shoved to my limits. Someone who is easily influenced or manipulated, well, I imagine that would hell.
Yesterday I was doing this cord cutting chant for our souls. It goes like this, “I release you with a full heart, with love for the place you once held in my life. May you be happy in the life you have chosen. I now take back all the energy that has been taken from me or that I have given away and I return the energy that I still hold from you. May I be free from the ties that bind us. May all cords be cut, transmuted and dissolved. May all energy return to its original sender.” As I was doing this chant, I looked at the time and noticed it was 11:11. It is believed that seeing 11:11 is a reminder that we have a soul plan or destiny– a path laid out for us by the universe.
I am very happy that you and Ann get to experience raising a child together.
Be safe.
Much Love.
Phoebe
It is not my style to insert myself into anyone’s life. So please stop worrying. I will NEVER contact your fucking wife. That would not serve me well. It would not serve you well. It would not serve ANYONE well. So stop fucking worrying about that. If anyone is going to ruin your marriage; it’s gonna be you, my love. You will make your marriage implode. And you do not need any help from me. I would NEVER give you the satisfaction of that. Not Ever. It is YOUR Responsibility to SAVE Yourself; to LOVE Yourself. I know it’s not easy. That is why I am not holding my breath that you will be able to engage in this Deep, Soul Work. It is not for the Faint Of Heart.
I know, right now, you are drinking way too much. Please stop drinking alcohol. It makes things worse for you. It opens you up for more manipulation. Besides, your child needs you to be healthy, whole and present with them. They depend on you. They are so in need of your Guidance, Love, Nurturance, Understanding, Empathy. They need you to be Present. To Give Presence.
I know, now, before the Pandemic; you saw me perform at that bar. Hoping I would see you and we would connect and you would finally get to fuck me. But things did not work out that way. Things were not meant to be that way. Had we reconnected that night; you would have treated me like a whore and that would have hurt my feelings. You would have tried to force your will onto me and I would have fought back, like I always do. It would have been Disastrous. However, your Intuition about just how great it would feel to fuck me was spot on. Sex with me is a DEEPLY TRANSFORMATIVE EXPERIENCE. You got that right. Sex With Me Is Not For The Faint Of Heart.
I know you have no clue just how Powerful you are. You have So Much Power within you. I know you wanted to give me a ring for so long. Eventually that ring you wanted to give me came to me and it was a magickal moment for me upon receiving it. The ring is Beautiful. It represents so much. The Gold represents Abundance and Manifestation, Purity and Divinity, Illumination and Wisdom and Energy Amplification. The Dark Sapphire represents Wisdom, Truth, Spiritual Insight: Activates the throat and third eye chakras to Highlight Communication, Clarity and Focus. And the oval shape. Here is what Google AI says about this shape:
“The oval ring shape symbolizes eternity, new beginnings, fertility, and endless love, drawing from its egg-like (ovum) form and continuous curve that suggests unbroken bonds, wholeness, and growth. It combines the classic eternity of a circle with elongated elegance, representing harmonious, flowing energy, creativity, and a connection to nature and life’s cycles.”
It was your Subconscious and Higher Self that made sure I received this ring. I am so grateful for it!
Your Soul Remembers Who You Truly Are.
YOU ARE LOVE! YOU ARE LOVE!!! YOU ARE LOVE!!!!!
Is our Psychic Connection Forever??? Do we have this Connection because you have taken my life in so many other lifetimes? Our Connection wasn’t always so toxic, it became that way over time as patriarchy took hold of our Reality. We used to Love Each Other So Much! SO TRULY AND DEEPLY!!!
Our Love DID NOT Hurt.
It was Supportive, Regenerative, Electric Life Force Energy. But things got so Dark and Twisted and Violent. And now you’re Abusive. You will not hold yourself Accountable. You cannot even have a simple, straight-forward conversation about these things. You can’t even talk to me. Why is that, my love???
Your Mother. Mommy Dearest. Mommy Knows Best.
Except this is a Lie and Illusion. When will you see this??? Are you going to be her little boy Forever???
She does not have your best interest in mind. She wants you to reflect back to her what she projects onto you.
Look at all of the supposed “elders” in your immediate circle of people. Do any of them actually hold and share Wisdom? Or, are they overgrown, emotionally stunted children who refuse to look within themselves???
You and my adoptive father have so much more in common than you realize. Uncomfortably so. Sickenly so. I know I am not the only one you have intentionally mislead. Intentionally manipulated in order to get what you wanted to extract from us. It’s really fucking creepy.
Again, I am not holding my breath that you will be able to do the deep healing that you so need to do. Even if you do engage in this healing work. How could I ever Trust you? How could I ever feel Safe with you? How could I ever feel comfortable enough in your presence to be able to cum. To be able to experience a full-body Orgasam??? GasLighting and manipulation will always set off the nervous system in a dysregulated way. I AM unwilling to sacrifice myself for anyone, EVER.
You have Hedonistic tendencies. I too have those.
Sun.
You have Deep Mommy Issues. I too have those.
Moon.
At Soul Level You Are The Philosopher, The Teacher, The Explorer. I too carry that Energy.
Ascendent.
You and Me Are So Much More Alike Than Not. We Have So Much More In Common Than You Realize.
TAKE YOUR POWER BACK.
YOU ARE LOVE. YOU ARE LOVE!!! YOU ARE LOVE!!!!!
Looking For The Answer…..Lllyric?
Fault Lines…..Fyfe
You Will See…..Quarterhead, SESA
go steady…..TENDER
Lovers From The Past…..Mareux
Paradise…..Henry Morris
touchin’ me…..Chandler Leighton
love is a knife…..Artemas
Muse…..SOFIA ISELLA
#1 Crush…..Garbage
Dream Girl Evil…..Florance + The Machine
Sex Concept…..SOFIA ISELLA
So Romantic…..Henry Morris
I Can Be Your Mother…..SOFIA ISELLA
Goddess…..Hatchrr, Deathrose
Another Life…..Jadu Heart
Church Bells…..Henry Morris
Dirty Magazine…..Henry Morris
