A great love or a great illusion—Part 7
Disclaimer
The information on this blog is not intended as a substitute for professional medical and/or mental health advice, diagnosis, or treatment. This blog is intended for informational purposes only. Any health concern must be assessed by a doctor or another licensed and/or certified clinician.
I have experienced so much loss in my life. One of the most poignant losses was the loss of my best friend from childhood. Losing her was incredibly painful. I thought of her as being so smart and pretty and overall she was just with it. Considering the kinds of neighborhoods we lived in…they just weren’t safe in all of the obvious ways. And so everytime we could get together and play pretend, it was Heaven on Earth. We both moved around a lot, so it was difficult to keep in touch. But at several different points in our lives we found our way back to each other. It’s a small world. We got older. We drifted apart. I always worried about her. Boys and men were drawn to her. She was not protected. She was not taught about her right to say, “No”, and her rights to protect her boundaries. She was trampled on in every way possible. When we were teenagers, she got pregnant by a boy she was dating. Things got worse for her. I didn’t know how to reach her. I couldn’t save her. I was trying to not drown myself; figuring out how to survive. I knew when I was 17, I would never see her again and that loss felt Unbearable for years.
2024 was a wild year for me. I pushed myself so hard in many different directions.
I slammed myself into Witchcraft. There was this one evening where I did a quick spell to elevate my abilities. I was staring into my computer screen, I looked at the time, it was 11:30 pm. Next thing I remember is this sensation of my brain and nervous system; it felt like I was being rebooted, like a computer is rebooted. My eyes closed, I blacked out. Then I woke up at Midnight. I felt groggy, stoned and drunk all at once. I went to the kitchen. In this kitchen there were wide, open windows. I could see out into the front yard and the street. As I was getting some water. I felt like I was on a giant stage. I felt like everyone was looking at me. Yup, it was unnerving. After that spell, I took a break from Witchcraft for a bit. The spell worked though. 🙂
I was so achingly lonely. I attempted to backtrack to some old habits and went on a dating app. Met a guy at a bar. He turned out to be an asshole. When I told him I would not be having sex with him, he stormed out like a petulant child. Gross.
I completed the Headspace program. It made me very happy. I also made a friend who has psychic abilities too. She is a lovely, wise, funny person. I am very grateful for her friendship.
I made the tough decision to sever my relationship with my adoptive parents. They just don’t fucking listen. I got so tired of being misunderstood by them. They don’t deserve me.
Throughout all of 2024, I kept texting Fairness?, just offering information, just in case it resonated. Just in case it made sense. She never responded. I didn’t know if she had blocked me or not. I still kept sharing my thoughts though, just in case.
I feel so alone. I have always felt so alone. These days I feel so alone and exhausted. When will things get better?
To Be Continued…..
Some Music I Listened To While Writing:
begin again…..Purity Ring
Dali…..Tanerelle
Feel It All Around…..Washed Out
Glory Box…..Portishead
Wandering Star…..Portishead
Something in the Way…..Nirvana
Drain You…..Nirvana
bodyache…..Purity Ring
Cocoa Hooves-Stripped…..Glass Animals
Gooey…..Glass Animals
Where is my mind…..Pixies
Shame…..SMITH
Side Note: If you find yourself in the midst of a Spiritual Awakening; Welcome to the Unofficial Club!!! I know the early days of a Spiritual Awakening can feel maddening, confusing and exhausting. There are so many ego deaths involved. The unnerving questioning of Identity, questioning the meaning of this life, past life memories resurfacing, experiencing intense and energy draining Ascension symptoms, the list goes on. I know when I was in the early days of going through the Initiation of a Spiritual Awakening; I experienced confusion, loneliness, and a lack of direction. What I wished I had during those days was some kind of guide…maybe even a coach? A Spiritual Awakening Coach. That is exactly why I offer these kinds of wellness coaching services. I know how valuable it is to be able to talk about experiencing ALL of the kinds of experiences that come with going through a Spiritual Awakening. I understand the kind of peace one can receive when they get the support that they need.
Also, if you find that you are at a crossroads with the relationship you have with your Sexual Wellness and have serious questions or qualms about it, working with a coach may be helpful. Again, I understand how participating within a working relationship, how working with a coach, can lend vital support around having clarity and ease within oneself over time. Working with a Wellness Coach to support you in understanding a core human experience such as sexuality can play a big role in Growth and Expansion.
Working with a Spiritual Awakening Coach can be an essential part of one’s Soul-U-tioN.
