BlackBlueCoffee 5/18/25 BlackBlueCoffee 5/18/25

conflicted

Disclaimer

The information on this blog is not intended as a substitute for professional medical and/or mental health advice, diagnosis, or treatment. This blog is intended for informational purposes only. Any health concern must be assessed by a doctor or another licensed and/or certified clinician.

Befriending my nervous system.

I know I need to do it. I know there is plenty of room for growth in carving out the time and space to do some simple somatic exercises to help soothe, calm and reset my nervous system.

My logical brain knows I will benefit from these exercises…and yet I still don’t do them.

For almost a year I have started and stopped the 30 day program (created by the Workout Witch). The most I have completed was 21 straight days. Then I stopped. Then there was that time I did 14 days straight, then I stopped. At first I told myself it was because I had a job that required me to work late evenings. Then I got a different job in the 9 to 5 range.

And the struggle to do 30 days consistently is so for real.

Making these release exercises a priority in my life will help to improve the quality of my life. And yet I haven’t completed this.

Am I addicted to my cortisol surges? I think so.

Because, who am I if I am not constantly creating too much cortisol???

It has been the only consistent thing in my life.

Short list of people I have had to let go of so far:

The relationship I had with my biological mom that I had to escape from when I was 17.

I have had to release all of the relationships with my family of origin.

Last year I had to release the relationships with my adoptive parents who have both consistently and diligently dismissed my perspective in addition to gaslighting; plus other stuff.

As I release the people who would ultimately harm me and I as I do the things I need to do to nurture myself such as getting quality sleep, eating vegetables, drinking water: stepping in as my own nurturing, patient, calm, reliable (while still holding myself accountable) parent ; as I do all of these things…this is a blind spot for me.

Struggling to complete this 30 day program to release stored emotions and cortisol…perhaps I have built this up in my head and I am over analyzing it? Perhaps. Nonetheless, this still feels like a carrot dangling over my head.

We all struggle…right???

I will continue on this odd obstacle riddled goal I have for myself.

Who knows?

Maybe I will try again tomorrow???

BlackBlueCoffee 5/3/25 BlackBlueCoffee 5/3/25

turns out, he is an illusion

Disclaimer

When we are Intuitive and strongly attuned to other people’s energy, life can be even more messy. For us Intuitives, it is in our best interest to learn to understand the Unseen, the energetics of this World. Because if we choose to ignore it, we pay a huge price, ultimately.

Since 2021, this has been a major focus in my life; to understand my psychic and mediumship abilities. It has been confusing and validating and life affirming and scary; a total roller coaster!!! I will never stop exploring my psychic abilities because strengthening these skills in this life is what I am here to do at Soul Level. Since 2024, I had texted Wanderer’s mother consistently, but only because she had helped me in the past. In 2022, we had multiple conversations about energy, the past lives my and Wanderer’s Souls have lived, putting up energetic boundaries; I trusted her. I trusted her. I trusted her. Turns out she is very much a two faced energy vampire. I had only wanted to share information in case it was helpful to understand. To hopefully to provide more context and frame of reference. Because there is so much research and literature that helps to explain the world at an energetic level. There is so much literature and research and science that explains Intuition. Every single human has Intuition. Most of us learn to suppress it because of fear. I had also texted her some downloads and intuitive experiences I had. I just wanted to share my perspective. I was hopeful she would consider my perspective, to at least consider my perspective. I had messaged her a couple of different times if she wanted me to stop texting her to please text back, “Stop texting me”. She never texted me back. At that time, I understood her silence to be a curious, baffled silence. In my perspective, I took her silence to not know what to do and to just observe instead. Because I had told her I would never message Wanderer via Facebook Messenger again (and I never did) because I was afraid it was pissing him off or scaring him. I just wanted these people to attempt to understand from my perspective. I was sharing knowledge.

One of the reminders that has come through for me very recently is: No matter how much knowledge and research you share with those who want to believe worst intent FROM you; Nothing will EVER change their mind.

They are stuck and married to the opinion that you are wrong and they are right.

You are lower than they are and they are so high.

You are inferior and they are so superior.

One reason I was telepathic as a teenager is because of the trauma I have experienced. In order to survive, my nervous system has insisted on being on high alert in all environments.

Wanderer and I do share a psychic connection. Also, our soul contract is a Master 11/2, according to numerology. For me, that means to Release this connection because it is not safe or good for me. I have learned so many humbling lessons over the past 5 years. All of the lessons I had to learn for so many reasons: Energetic Boundaries. Discernment. Self-Trust. Accepting that I will make mistakes from time to time. Seeking help when I need it AND, also, even when I feel like I don’t need it.

So many deeply humbling experiences.

For years, I didn’t think about him much. I never talked about him. Because I knew I was still so deeply wounded and I believed I would only fuck up his life. And I wanted and still want Wanderer to have a lovely life.

One evening, this was years ago (I think I was still in my 20’s at this point), my adoptive dad asked me if I even remembered Wanderer. At that time, I responded, “Yes, I remember Wanderer”, and continued on with what I was doing in that moment.

That is just one reason why I know for years he thought about me and would ask my parents about me. And my parents loved the drama of it all. Sneaking the gifts, never being direct. My parents liked me so much better when I was riddled with self-doubt. Wanderer also liked me better when I was riddled with self-doubt.

One of the lessons I am meant to learn from this psychic connection with Wanderer is to be able to know the difference between Hate and Love at an energetic level.

Considering all of the violence, abuse, neglect I experienced as a child, of course, I mistook Hate for Love. Most people confuse Hate for Love and Love for Hate. I am not alone in this mistake.

Ooppps.

I do believe that Wanderer wanted to make a connection with me over the years. But, I was so consumed by my own pain. I did him a favor by not connecting with him. And throughout the years, his resentment and hatred towards me grew and grew.

He fucking Hates me now.

To him, I am just another dumb Bitch who rejected him.

He is consumed by the projections he puts on me.

I have recently realized in previous lives we have had many different relationship dynamics. I have been his wife, he the husband. He has been my teacher, I the student. He has been my oppressor, I the oppressed. He has been the enslaver, I the slave. And it goes on and on.

And for many months I have confused his Hatred of me with Love.

Because, let’s face it; I am still a bit fucked up. I still have so much Healing to do.

This past April, I realized that Wanderer and I have a psychic connection. And throughout this month, I misread him telepathically.

Again, I thought he loved me. But nope, he fucking hates me now.

And since I misunderstood him telepathically. I texted him some stuff I now regret. His mother, his sweet, sweet mother gave her phone to him. For months, I thought I was just texting her. I texted him some photos of me. Nothing too crazy. Just simple photos of me. I also texted him where I live. I totally regret doing that now. At the time, it felt like a good idea. Now I know that was a very regrettable decision. One out of many mistakes to learn from.

I have given a few close and trust-worthy friends his full name and other identifying details, just to be on the safe side. I know, at surface level, he has a pretty life that he enjoys.

There are a lot of mysteries in life. It is okay to not have a full understanding when it comes to other people’s actions. People are icebergs. Maybe we see about 3%-5% of a person, everything else is submerged. And a lot of people have no clue who the fuck they are.

So…yeah…going through a Spiritual Awakening is not for the faint of heart.

Lessons Learned from this long and drawn out experience, so far:

Even though I have done a lot of work on healing the trauma I have experienced, on an energetic level, I misread Hate for Love
So many people want to dominate and control other people
I am not here to be liked, I am here to be authentic
Even though on the outside I am a tough and cynical person; on the inside I just want to connect with others authentically; To Love and Be Loved
Some people will be committed to miss perceiving you no matter how much evidence and knowledge you share with them
I am going to write a memoir about the adventures of understanding the Complexities of Energy and Spiritual Shit–Because it is not an easy road–Most people want you to fail
For years I believed I was doing Wanderer a life saving favor by avoiding contact with him, turns out, I was also saving myself in avoiding contact with him. A Win-Win

Side Note: If you find yourself in the midst of a Spiritual Awakening; Welcome to the Unofficial Club!!! I know the early days of a Spiritual Awakening can feel maddening, confusing and exhausting. There are so many ego deaths involved. The unnerving questioning of Identity, questioning the meaning of this life, past life memories resurfacing, experiencing intense and energy draining Ascension symptoms, the list goes on. I know when I was in the early days of going through the Initiation of a Spiritual Awakening; I experienced confusion, loneliness, and a lack of direction. What I wished I had during those days was some kind of guide…maybe even a coach? A Spiritual Awakening Coach. That is exactly why I offer these kinds of wellness coaching services. I know how valuable it is to be able to talk about experiencing ALL of the kinds of experiences that come with going through a Spiritual Awakening. I understand the kind of peace one can receive when they get the support that they need.

Also, if you find that you are at a crossroads with the relationship you have with your Sexual Wellness and have serious questions or qualms about it, working with a coach may be helpful. Again, I understand how participating within a working relationship, how working with a coach, can lend vital support around having clarity and ease within oneself over time. Working with a Wellness Coach to support you in understanding a core human experience such as sexuality can play a big role in Growth and Expansion.

Working with a Spiritual Awakening Coach can be an essential part of one’s Soul-U-tioN.

BlackBlueCoffee 4/14/25 BlackBlueCoffee 4/14/25

a great love or a great illusion—part 8 (Stopping point)

Disclaimer

I have always Loved you Wanderer. For many years, I just didn’t think about it because it was too fucking painful. I wanted you to have a good life. I believed for so long I would only drag you down, make things more difficult for you. I didn’t want to ruin any of your first experiences. I chose to believe that you got past your childhood crush. I was so consumed by my own pain. I felt like Poison. My pain blinded any possibility with you in it.

During the synastry reading:

“Looking at both of your charts, he’s definitely your type”, the astrologer said. “His leadership abilities; your capricorn rising, very compatible. His north node is where your strengths are. Considering your Mercury and Venus is in the sign of Leo, on his side of things, it’s very receptive. Fertility issues wouldn’t be a thing for you two. If you chose to get pregnant, it would be easy”.

Hmm. Since I am firmly in my 30’s, I have felt worried about my fertility for the past several years. I felt relieved to hear about that.

“However, there is an illusionary quality about him. It’s going to be very important that he chooses to lean into his north node in pisces, if he does not, the relationship won’t work well for you. If you do choose to have a relationship with him, it would be wise to think about how to protect yourself”.

I know what she means. Patriarchy has so many strong influences. No matter what the intention of the relationship; if it’s meant to last for one night or an attempt at forever. The reality is, between men and women; women serve themselves well when they are aware of the potential for disaster. Communicate expectations, boundaries, make your own money; the list goes on.

“Not going to lie. The kind of connection you two have, it never goes away.”

I thought about all of the interactions I have had with his Higher Self. If I have to live the rest of my life with his Higher Self imparting Wisdom and occasionally pissing me off; I can live with that. I have enough Strength and Stamina for that.

After the reading, I gave myself time for reflection.

I texted Fairness?:

It is okay if what I have to share with you doesn’t make sense. Considering you have been friends with Stephanie for as long as you have; I know that there is a strong possibility that you will simply dismiss what I have to share with you. I have no control over that. You will do what you will do…..For quite some time, I have put off doing a synastry reading with mine and Wanderer’s charts. I have only guessed the time and location where he was born. I have a feeling if that is not exact, it is close enough. In this reading, I got more validation and confirmations from what I shared with you the last time I wrote you a long message. You are absolutely correct in knowing that Wanderer has a solid core belief that he does not deserve True Love. He holds tightly that he does not deserve to be seen and appreciated for who he actually is. I can relate, it wasn’t that long ago that I held that belief for myself for so long. People who hide in long-term relationships have always scared me…..it is the resentment, the dull, deep vacant Void…The Despair. That starved feeling…eventually….they lash out. People like that are frightening.

Wanderer’s Higher Self has been such an impactful teacher for me. He continues to guide me. To remind me to keep up with strengthening my abilities. I cherish his guidance. This has been such an intense part of my Inner Work, working through the hundreds of years of hurt and pain from our past lives. Again, this Spiritual Awakening stuff is not for the faint of heart. I have been given glimpses of a future (a potential future, there are multiple of them) where after Wanderer does A LOT of Inner Healing, seeing a skilled therapist that will be able to see right through his emotional shut down and manipulative tendencies, healing and integrating his divine feminine and masculine qualities, Inner Child Healing…After all of that, I have seen/felt a future for us that feels Nurturing, Nourishing, Expansive….At Times Challenging….it would be a profound Spiritually Aligned Partnership. This future is ONLY possible if he does his work. I am unwilling to sacrifice myself for any relationship. I will not dim my light and play dumb like I have done in the past. That is done for me. Honestly, with my Venus and Mercury being in the sign of Leo, Wanderer is absolutely NOT the only person I could co-build a fun, passionate, deeply fulfilled Love affair/long-term partnership with. There are others…which are interesting to think about.

I have so much to be grateful for. I am expecting A LOT of Expansive experiences this Summer and Fall. It’s gonna be fun!!!

Also, as I have been studying my birth chart, I for sure have a Witchy placement!!!! It makes me very happy. I have my Neptune (this planet is all about Spirituality, Dreams, Illusions) in my 12th House (that house is tied to Spirituality and Creativity). For sure I am a Witch! Makes sense, doesn’t it? I have always and will always want what is best for Wanderer. I hope he lives the most Soul-Aligned, Adventurous and Love-filled life he can possibly live.

There have been a lot of miscommunications over the years. It did not help that you were misled by my adoptive parents.

We trigger each other’s insecurities.

What is also True is how I feel for you. I feel very deeply for you.

I feel this Intense, Visceral Connection with you; it FEELS like we are Tethered Together.

I feel like YOU are my HOME. I want to return HOME. I want to return to YOU.

I Love You. I FUCKING LOVE YOU!!!!!

Some Music I Listened To While Writing This:

Take it from the starz…..Roman Nasenmensch, domi4wave

Hypnotized…..CASHFORGOLD, Tim Schaufert

Glass (feat. King Woman).....Mareux, King Woman

Bougie Bitch…..SMITH

Mad Woman…..Sevdaliza

Working with a Spiritual Awakening Coach can be an essential part of one’s Soul-U-tioN.

BlackBlueCoffee 4/14/25 BlackBlueCoffee 4/14/25

A great love or a great illusion—Part 7

Disclaimer

I have experienced so much loss in my life. One of the most poignant losses was the loss of my best friend from childhood. Losing her was incredibly painful. I thought of her as being so smart and pretty and overall she was just with it. Considering the kinds of neighborhoods we lived in…they just weren’t safe in all of the obvious ways. And so everytime we could get together and play pretend, it was Heaven on Earth. We both moved around a lot, so it was difficult to keep in touch. But at several different points in our lives we found our way back to each other. It’s a small world. We got older. We drifted apart. I always worried about her. Boys and men were drawn to her. She was not protected. She was not taught about her right to say, “No”, and her rights to protect her boundaries. She was trampled on in every way possible. When we were teenagers, she got pregnant by a boy she was dating. Things got worse for her. I didn’t know how to reach her. I couldn’t save her. I was trying to not drown myself; figuring out how to survive. I knew when I was 17, I would never see her again and that loss felt Unbearable for years.

2024 was a wild year for me. I pushed myself so hard in many different directions.

I slammed myself into Witchcraft. There was this one evening where I did a quick spell to elevate my abilities. I was staring into my computer screen, I looked at the time, it was 11:30 pm. Next thing I remember is this sensation of my brain and nervous system; it felt like I was being rebooted, like a computer is rebooted. My eyes closed, I blacked out. Then I woke up at Midnight. I felt groggy, stoned and drunk all at once. I went to the kitchen. In this kitchen there were wide, open windows. I could see out into the front yard and the street. As I was getting some water. I felt like I was on a giant stage. I felt like everyone was looking at me. Yup, it was unnerving. After that spell, I took a break from Witchcraft for a bit. The spell worked though. 🙂

I was so achingly lonely. I attempted to backtrack to some old habits and went on a dating app. Met a guy at a bar. He turned out to be an asshole. When I told him I would not be having sex with him, he stormed out like a petulant child. Gross.

I completed the Headspace program. It made me very happy. I also made a friend who has psychic abilities too. She is a lovely, wise, funny person. I am very grateful for her friendship.

I made the tough decision to sever my relationship with my adoptive parents. They just don’t fucking listen. I got so tired of being misunderstood by them. They don’t deserve me.

Throughout all of 2024, I kept texting Fairness?, just offering information, just in case it resonated. Just in case it made sense. She never responded. I didn’t know if she had blocked me or not. I still kept sharing my thoughts though, just in case.

I feel so alone. I have always felt so alone. These days I feel so alone and exhausted. When will things get better?

To Be Continued…..

Some Music I Listened To While Writing:

begin again…..Purity Ring

Dali…..Tanerelle

Feel It All Around…..Washed Out

Glory Box…..Portishead

Wandering Star…..Portishead

Something in the Way…..Nirvana

Drain You…..Nirvana

bodyache…..Purity Ring

Cocoa Hooves-Stripped…..Glass Animals

Gooey…..Glass Animals

Where is my mind…..Pixies

Shame…..SMITH

Working with a Spiritual Awakening Coach can be an essential part of one’s Soul-U-tioN.

BlackBlueCoffee 4/13/25 BlackBlueCoffee 4/13/25

a great love or a great illusion-Part 6

Disclaimer

Fuuuuuckkkk! I am so confused! I just felt so sure that any day Wanderer would contact me and explain himself. But there it was, right before my eyes, the photo of this small, sweet baby. Who is this?

I felt panicked. For the past few years I have experienced so many intense feelings and thoughts about this person and he never shows up for me. The fact that I have put out so much energy over the years was mind boggling to me. Obviously I was wrong about this guy. I had to end this now.

Being the Witch that I am, I did a cord cutting ritual. As I did the chant, I just so happened to look at the time. 11:11. A sign! In terms of spirituality, 11:11 means being in alignment with one’s Higher Self. I felt affirmed. Calmer. Still confused but it was manageable. I had to put allllll of this behind me. I have so much to be grateful for in my life. It is okay if this whole situation remains a mystery; that’s life.

I texted Fairness? with my closing thoughts:

I really want to highlight my gratitude towards you and being willing to have some odd conversations with me a while back. I imagine that was somewhat challenging or weird. I recently became aware that Wanderer and his wife had a baby. I am very happy for them. I messaged Wanderer via Facebook with some closing thoughts earlier today. I hope it is helpful. A while back I had a conversation with a reader who is currently in grad school specializing in spiritual counseling. She said that when two souls have lived many lives together and when they don’t have a relationship in the current life, one or both people may tap into residual energy; and that may look like having deep feelings or a connection even though in the current life there is no reference point. She then shared that she has a couple of bonds like this and every once in a while she will receive a download or energetic knowing and then feels compelled to quickly check in with them to make sure they are okay. When she shared this with me, that was such a relief. I don’t know if you have ever experienced a spiritual awakening but if you ever do or if someone in your inner circle ever does; support is helpful. It is not a easy process. People often experience physical sensations and/or drained energy; it can look like chronic fatigue on the surface. Also, many people confuse the process of ego death and make the mistake thinking that physical death needs to happen. A lot of people who experience a spiritual awakening complete suicide, not understanding that it is the ego and egoic attachments that need to die. We live in interesting times! :) I believe I am on the other side of an awakening; it feels great! I am looking forward to completing my Headspace training this summer and next spring I hope to get a yoga certification. I know it is my soul’s purpose to support people in their healing process. I want to help as many people as I can. I am looking forward to learning all that I can about different healing modalities. I am building a nest and network of people that I care for. I have a lot of love in my life. I hope you and your people are well. :) Be safe. Much love.

My mind couldn’t help but to wander back to that beautiful baby. With this sense of feeling like an intruder, I went onto social media. I went to his wife’s account. The photo of this infant. I felt some maternal protectiveness towards this mysterious creature. Then, I read the date of when they were born. Hmmm. That’s curious. I had recently started studying numerology; I quickly added this baby’s birth numbers. Epiphany!!! This child is psychic. Oh my god oh my god oh my god. This child will feel everything. Knowing what I know with being psychic myself and how incredibly misunderstood I have been my whole life; it is not an easy road. I thought about alllll of the people I had worked with throughout the years, how sensitive they all are. How they internalized the assumptions and projections that were made by really fucked up people, by hurt, wounded people. I bore witness to the struggle to reprogram one’s sense of Self. I’ve had to do that work myself and it is really fucking hard. It has taken decades of my life to get to a place of deep Self-Trust. It is grueling, it is lonely. And a lot of people are not able to make it to the other side. I thought about the children I was working with in the schools; their pain and loneliness and suffering. The Disconnection. It does NOT need to be this way. This is NOT the way it has always been. There is Another way. People just need to have knowledge and understanding and things will suck less.

I messaged Fairness?. I told her about numerology and how significant that is. And how the infant is psychic and the importance of connection and understanding; it’s Vital. I made the request that she gain an understanding of this and share this knowledge with Wanderer and his wife. They need to know. They need to know the kind of impact they have on this child. Not having this understanding can literally be the difference between life or death. I informed her I will not contact Wanderer. I wanted to leave him alone. After sending the message, I felt a lightness and clarity I hadn’t had for quite a few years. I felt relief. Then understanding came to me. I was only supposed to be the messenger this whole time!!! Release! Relief! Release! Relief! I sighed deeply.

Figuring out this real life rubik’s cube was so long and drawn out! I finally felt calm and grounded. Being a psychic medium is no small feat. It is not straight forward. There is the need to continue on even through the blurry fog. It is not easy but it does get easier with practice. Practice. Practice. And more Practice.

I was living my life and leading with more Love. After a grueling day of working with teenagers. I felt tired and wired. I thought about Wander and his child. I thought about Fatherhood. What does that even mean? I thought about all of the absent fathers. The aggressive fathers. The checked out fathers. What does it mean to Father??? As a Collective, we have forgotten. That Lost Knowledge Devastates; Perpetuates Perpetuates Perpetuates…….

I was home and drawn to the backyard.

It was 2/22. The first Portal I participated in. It changed my life. I was following my intuition. At sunset, I went to my backyard and lay myself down on the grass. I was barefoot and grounded into the earth. I connected to my breath. I focused on Wanderer. I sent him light, healing, and clarity. I asked my guides to give him the message to communicate to him that he has so much Light to give in this world. He has so much Light to give to his loved ones. To give to his child. I asked my guides to give him this message and to make it reallllllly Obvious. And then, as I lay on the earth and looked up at the night sky, I said “I love you Wanderer” over and over again.

The next day I felt Wanderer’s energy all around me. Uh-oh. And not only that, when I felt his energy, I felt Euphoric. So High.

And that is how it went for a while. Lots of Ups and Downs. I felt his presence so clearly. By this time, I realized when I felt Wanderer’s energy, it was his Higher Self. Wanderer in the physical world is not aware that his Higher Self spends time with me, to guide and teach me.

Through all of this Energetic Turbulence, I still had a full-time job and was going through the training at Headspace to become a certified behavioral health coach and eventually take the national board exam to become a board certified health and wellness coach.

A weekly, in real time, online class was a part of that program. For 6 months, every Sunday I attended the 3 hour class. I loved studying the material. Main influences of the curriculum are positive psychology, motivational interviewing and Buddhism. There was a particular Sunday where the instructor my cohort had been working with consistently had called in sick, so another one of the instructors filled in for that session. The second I saw her, I heard the word, “Magickal”. I just knew she was a witch! I stayed after everyone else had logged off to ask her questions.

“Are you a witch?”, I asked her.

“I identify as a mage”, she said matter of factly. Another person like me! Yay!

We chatted for a bit. She mentioned how she and her family enjoy doing rituals together, the way she spoke about her family; I found it to be inspiring. I was asking her another question, then it appeared she went somewhere else; it was like her focus and energy shifted dramatically. Hello?

I stopped talking and waited.

She reappeared. Then she told me, “You are going to become a Spiritual Leader”. My Intuition vibrated. I felt the Truth in this. I was so relieved. I thanked her profusely. And we parted ways.

While I was going through the Headspace program, it was the main light in my life. I felt drained from my work as a supervisor and counselor. Initially, I was offered a promotion to a supervisor position by the person who created the whole substance use counseling program at this non-profit. I admired her drive and determination. With what started out as one grant, grew over time, into a program that spanned throughout the community in one way or another. But then she abruptly announced she was moving on after running this program for a decade. I was nervous, the main reason I had accepted the promotion was because she offered it to me. I was looking forward to learning more from her. She shared with me that she had to move on in order to get the clinical hours she needed for social work. I understood. I was happy for her that she was elevating in her career. I would also miss working with her; she had a compassionate and gentle way of leading people. I really admired those qualities within her. However, I often thought that she was just too nice. Too nice for her own good.

The supervisor who took her place was another story. The first time we met via zoom for supervision, she was in her house, distracted and multitasking. I felt invisible. Like I had to work for her attention. Going forward, every time I had to interact with her, I felt uneasy. I was not getting the support I actually needed. And in my typical fashion, I felt alone and attempted to just figure out my own answers.

I was overworked, everytime I attempted to get clarity from my supervisor, she would dodge giving me a clear and concise answer. I kept going.

By this time I had accepted that Tupac is one of my guides. He has been with me for a very long time. After I moved to Portland, he gave me signs consistently, until I broke down and said something along the lines of, “Alright! I accept that you are on my spiritual team”. Talk about a plot twist. He isn’t the only famous musician that is one of my guides. Kurt Cobain has also been guiding me for a very long time. This realization came to me while I was walking the halls of one of the schools. Noticing the oppressive energy in the building. The Insensitive adults all around, the confused children. He came through to me and I gratefully accepted that he has been guiding me for a very long time. When he was alive in the physical realm, he was very gentle but he had to harden in order to survive. When he became a father, that gave him spaciousness in his life he did not have before. He could be tender and gentle, calm and sweet; his True Nature.

One evening I was sitting on the couch in the living room, in a pensive state. Wanderer’s Higher Self was with me. What he communicated to me was that I needed to contact an old friend of mine. I was confused. Why do I need to contact this person? Then I remembered how this old friend of mine, Lynx, how he would remind me of Kurt Cobain. Lynx had dark hair, was tall and lanky. Warm, open, gentle energy. Very punk and grunge. Very anti-establishment. Wanderer’s Higher Self highlighted a memory.

In this memory, it was years ago, it might have been 2016 or 2017? I was helping my dad at a fancy food festival. Lynx was there with his girlfriend he was dating at the time and a couple of friends. Lynx and I had been friends for a while. The first time he and I met was through a mutual friend. The first time I met Lynx he was transitioning out of a long-term relationship. Him, me and our mutual friend met at a local brewery. I remember the first time I saw him, I thought to myself, “He feels familiar”. The more time we spent together, which wasn’t a lot; we were both going to school, working and dealing with various life stuff but every time we had a conversation, I always felt seen and valued and safe. We were two people who just liked each other instantaneously. I enjoyed his humor and perspective, his edge. I found him to be a comforting person. He seemed to be a relationship type of person. It wasn’t long after he broke up with his long-term girlfriend he started dating someone else.

Back to the food festival in 2016/2017. Lynx had greeted me and said hello as he passed by the booth I was manning. I noticed him, his friends and his girlfriend exploring the festival together. He seemed like he was having a good time. Such lovely energy. When he was getting ready to leave, he motioned for us to meet to say goodbye. I gave him a hug, and as we were hugging he let out a moan, it was accidental. He is a very sensitive and compassionate person, he wasn’t intending to make me uncomfortable. That hug was lovely. He did feel familiar to me. He was such a good friend with a beautiful mind. I treasure every conversation we had together.

Okay, with Wanderer’s Highest Self highlighting all of that, I understood that I needed to contact Lynx because he might be my Soulmate for this lifetime. I got Lynx’s number from our mutual friend. I texted him. Our mutual friend, Stacy, had informed me when she spoke to him, he mentioned he works as a mental health counselor in local high schools in Southern Oregon. Very similar work to what I was doing…interesting. She also informed me he was still dating, not in a committed relationship. I was very surprised. I thought, for sure, he would be married with children by this time. He would make a lovely partner and father.

I will also mention when I had gone to see a psychic about the new soulmate connection for this life, the key thing I was told to look for was someone who described himself as, “Simple”, with chillchillchill vibes.

Phoebe: Hello! Good morning, hopefully. It’s been a hot minute. 😀 wondering if you could chat sometime? Stacy mentioned you work with kids. I work with high schoolers. I always appreciated your perspective. Also, I’ve missed you! I hope you are well.

Lynx: Whoa, that was quick. Haha. Good morning Phoebe! Happy to chat and catch up soon. Interested in what you’re doing too. I am well! Thank you. How are you?

Phoebe: I decided to take Spring Break off. So I’m having a lovely slow morning. I’m really enjoying hearing the birds chirp. Definitely looking forward to catching up soon. The last time I saw you, that feels like a century. 🙂 I’m as free as a bird this week. So whatever time works for you to chat is good for me.

Lynx: Cool. I’m pretty busy, even though I’m also on break. But have a lot going on. Could maybe call Thursday some time?

When Lynx and I got to connect over the phone. He mentioned how he remodels houses and rents them to people. How he works with his hands, does the plumbing, the electrical. I thought back to what the psychic had said to look for, for this new soulmate connection:

This new soulmate connection might be an architect, engineer; someone who works with his hands. Who does not have a lot of trauma. He might be an artist.

Oh my God! It’s Lynx, I think he is my Soulmate!!! I tamed my excitement and stayed present for our conversation. Lynx spoke about the frustrations of working as a counselor in the school system and ignorant parents. I could relate to these pain points. I also felt just as frustrated in my own experience. I appreciated how less alone I felt talking to my lovely friend. Although, he did sound more cynical than I remembered. There was a heaviness to him. He voiced a lot of his frustrations about the current system. He shared, as a landlord, he is conscientious to not have obnoxiously high rents for his renters. He practiced fairness and kindness. He also sounded defeated with the current trappings of our culture and economy. Still so anti-establishment which made me happy to hear. He also described himself as, “Simple”.

Then he read me a song, he read the song like poetry. I felt into Love as I heard him recite the following lyrics. Because, he had read me beautifully written words in a past life. We had done this before, we had loved each other before. I felt into this knowing as he recited the lyrics.

This is how the lyrics go:

Born to die, and you get to sit and watch your TV set

Believe the lies before your eyes, credit cards & apple pies!

50 stars to blind your eyes, 13 stripes to hypnotize!

Free thought is gone, you'll never see your just a pawn

You'll die tomorrow but today your empty dreams just fade away

Evaporate, dissolve to hate, while you survive and wait until a lifeless fate

Your stupid lives just piddle on

You slave for others, and then your gone

I just can't escape the lying

Moment we are born we're dying

Such an ugly sight

We have no rights

We have no future

No reasons why...

Just born to die. Oh..

Your dumb self can't appreciate the freedom in my thought

The weak sense of autonomy when I'm flipping in my squat

That empty void was never filled

But the dreams of others you helped kill...

You justify. Will linger on..

Don't you know your dreams all die the day your born?

We have no god!

There's only ignorant bliss

No reasons why...

We're born to die. Oh.. (were born to die)

We have no rights

We have no future

No reasons why...

We are born to die. Just born to die. Oh..

Going to bed, god is dead, lies & truth are in my head

Your history, society, economy... it isn't me

It's all on you, reality, it's what you do, it's what you make

The truth in lies, the freedom dies

The mind it numbs, the spirit breaks!

With all our rights

It kills our future

Our reasons why:

We are born to die. Just born to die..Oh..

The song is called “Born To Die” by Choking Victim.

“That was lovely.”

“There’s been some controversy with the lead singer. But I like this song”, as he said that, he sounded so forlorn. I could relate. It felt like my heart wanted to burst. I felt into Love at that moment.

I also felt overwhelmed with the synchronicity. It’s Lynx, he’s my Soulmate.

I told him I had to go and wished him a good evening.

So long story short; I eventually told him how I believed that we were Soulmates. He dismissed the idea. He had a lot of Hardness to him. Bitterness. What happened? When we had a friendship he was so warm and now he is so cold. I felt sad. We stopped communicating. I didn’t want to bother him. I gave him the message and he did not accept it. All I can do is communicate. It is not my job to get people to do shit. That’s manipulation.

So that was confusing.

Then I got fired from my job in an abrupt and humiliating kind of way.

Some music I listened to:

I’m Sensitive…..Jewel

the villain…..Sara Diana

Smalltown Boy…..Bronski Beat

Heaven Takes You Home…...Swedish House Mafia feat. Connie Constance

Karma’s a B!tch…..Sophia Rayne

11:11 (Stripped Down).....Amanati, Luna Blake

Goddess…..Hatchrr, Deathrose

like you’re god…..mehro

Human…...Sevdaliza

Darkest Hour…..Sevdaliza

Handmade Ego…..TENDER

Slow Love…..TENDER

Working with a Spiritual Awakening Coach can be an essential part of one’s Soul-U-tioN.

BlackBlueCoffee 4/11/25 BlackBlueCoffee 4/11/25

a great love or a great illusion part 5

Disclaimer

I am naturally a very curious person. I don’t remember when it was exactly, but it was before April of 2022. I was on Facebook, just mindlessly scrolling through. And then a thought came to me. I remembered how odd it felt when Wanderer’s sister friended me. She doesn’t even like me. And then I remembered a dinner that my parents’ hosted and had a couple of their friends over. Everyone at the table was chit chatting about social media, the pros and cons. Someone asked my dad if he was on Facebook. He said, “No”. An automatic response, then he gave me a side glance, he was nervous. I was poker face. At the time I didn’t know what that meant. He had a Facebook account, he just never used it.

One spring day, I was on Facebook, just mindlessly scrolling through. Then my eyes went straight to my dad’s profile. I decided to message my “dad”, I typed in, “Wanderer?”, and hit send. When I did that, a jolt of anxiety went through me.

If I thought my parents were acting jumpy before, this really set them off. My dad announced he and my mom deleted their Facebook accounts, he said it in a very pointed way. With me feeling Wanderer’s energy all around me and then this. I felt like I was getting fucked with. That is not the move to make with me. Before I went into foster care, being lied to, manipulated and then discarded was a regular experience in a more obvious and intense way compared to the kind of shit my adoptive parents pulled. Not only that, but my mom made attempts at dismissing me every time I would talk about understanding my Intuition more. It was an abrupt 180. She went from being mildly supportive to dismissive. More resentment built up in me.

On his birthday, Wanderer messaged me via Facebook messenger. The second I saw his message, my whole body reacted. It was like my body was saying, “Dingdingding!!! Dingdingding!!! You have a connection with this person!”.

He mentioned that he wasn’t usually on that platform. He mentioned his grandmother had sent him a birthday wish. And then he realized I had messaged him. I knew he was lying.

At this point with my Intuition, I would still have doubts about it; lots of conflicting ups and downs. Besides, I thought of Wanderer as a highly intelligent and ambitious person, if he really wanted to get to know me, he would have made it happen. Also…..I had seen some photos of his wedding, of his wife (on Facebook: where hopes and dreams go to die). His pretty, little, military wife. She seemed like the kind of girl who needs a man in her life. In a co-dependent way, in a pleasepleaseplease take care of me way. I am not his type, I thought.

We briefly chatted. He was kind. He responded to my questions thoughtfully. I asked him if he had past life memories about our Souls. He said he did not. I still didn’t believe him. I didn’t see the point in confronting him about this and I still doubted myself. I felt highly conflicted.

People lie for so many reasons. Even though I knew he was lying, it isn’t my job to get people to be honest. They will either be honest or not. If they choose to be a liar, that’s on them.

I needed to get back on track with my life.

With my counseling career on hold. I had no luck finding a job that was interesting to me. I decided to accept a job at the methadone clinic I had worked at before the pandemic started. It wasn’t ideal but it was enough to get me the hell out of Southern Oregon.

Just before I moved to Portland, my mom gave me a gift. She handed me a small bottle of perfume. The instant I touched the glass bottle I immediately saw Wanderer in my mind and heard, “I love you”. Uh-oh.

I was relieved to live in Portland again. I found a really cute place in the north west neighborhood; it was a quick walk to Washington Park which was a perk. I had 3 female roommates. We all lived our own lives. It was a very workable situation. I got reacquainted with a couple of girlfriends of mine; we laugh a lot when we are together. I was focused on my career. I spent the weekends hiking at Washington Park. Aaannnd, I would still feel Wanderer’s energy all around me.

The first weekend I was back in Portland I went for a hike in Washington Park. I took a photo and I sent it to Fairness?. She helped me to sort through some very confusing things. I was grateful for that. But I also felt like she was deliberately withholding information from me. It was apparent that Wanderer didn’t want to talk about the crush he had on me when we were kids. And I would still feel his energy around me. That was confusing. I didn’t know what to make of that. Again, it is not my job to try to corner people into giving me a particular outcome.

I had always really liked Fairness?, so getting to know her a little bit from the conversations we had was lovely. I really appreciated her perspective. I felt less alone talking to her.

And so when I moved back to Portland, I would sparingly and randomly text her. Just to offer her a thought that came through to me. I didn’t ever expect her to respond. I just like sharing thoughts.

Work was very difficult. I wound up quitting that job because (surprise, surprise) of the toxic leadership at the clinic. I had worked there for just about 90 days when I just couldn’t take the shitty leadership anymore. There was no accountability. I witnessed odd power dynamics between the clinical director and the clinical supervisor. I decided to call it quits and that was not easy. Because as much as that kind of work is stressful, I still cared for the people I worked with. I just wanted to do my job but I was not given the support that I needed to actually do the work I wanted to do. So I quit. I ran away.

I worked a temp job for a few weeks. It was fine. It got me through until I was hired at a non-profit that hired certified alcohol and drug counselors and provided counseling services in the local high schools in the Portland Metro area.

As far as dating went. It was odd because I just felt like there was some kind of block. I wanted to date, but I also struggled with my energy levels and some days I was just really cranky and felt depleted. Dating was not even a hobby during this time in my life.

I would occasionally go out with a friend and meet for drinks. One evening, my friend, Melissa, and I met at Bible Club. That is when I decided to tell her about alllll of the metaphysical experiences I had. I told her about Tupac, about thinking I had Covid and then getting a negative test, I told her about the intuitive hits I got about Wanderer.

“I feel so sure he is in the process of getting a divorce!”, I exclaimed nervously. I was so confused, I wasn’t sure if I wanted that or not. I had gotten some intense downloads about him leaving his wife. Just thinking about that stressed me out.

Thank God for Melissa. She comforted me and reminded me that sometimes relationships end; people change. I was so grateful that she believed me. I felt less alone.

The way I was mainly experiencing pleasure in my life was when I could go to Washington Park. But then I had to abruptly move out of the house I was co-renting, I had a very short notice. After a frenzied few days, I found a new place to live on the other side of the city. It was a decent house close to Mount Tabor Park. For those who are not aware, this park is one of Portland’s gems, during the summer months there are music events and the Adult Soapbox Derby in the Spring. This park is a magickal place. It turned out to be a real blessing to live in this area.

At this house there was a spacious backyard. I spent quite a bit of time on the grass, under the trees meditating or reading. It was peaceful. Not long after I moved to this new house, I started receiving Vogue magazine on a consistent, monthly basis; I knew it was from Wanderer.

On December 11, 2022, Melissa and I went to Coffin Club for Dark Market. It’s kind of like a Gothic craft fair with booze. :) I was sipping on a cider which felt lovely. Since I rarely drink alcohol anymore, just after one drink, I’m toasted. I was having a lovely time looking at all of the dark creations. Melissa wanted to go upstairs for a tarot reading. I joined Melissa for her reading. The reader seemed genuine and confident in what she was doing. She felt like an authentic, intuitive tarot reader. After Melissa’s reading, I announced that I would like to be next.

“Hhmmm. Are you polyamorous?”, she asked me.

I took a moment to think about that. I feel like I would have been open to a situation like that when I was in my 20’s, but now I am just too damn tired and cranky.

“Maybe when I was younger, I would have been into that. But right now? No, I don’t identify as being polyamorous”.

She looked pensive. She looked at the cards she had drawn.

“You have lived many lives before this one. You typically come here with a witchy or high priestess kind of energy; you’ve experienced a lot of death.”

I nodded. She gave me more details of my energetic blueprint which was accurate. She was reading me like a book.

“You have a Soulmate”, she asserted.

I froze. I–Did–NOT–Mention–That–Word. Then she went on to describe the deep, spiritual bond. How, for many generations, we come together. And it’s a beautiful, connected relationship, often. The thing I wonder about this whole soulmate connection is; is it actually possible for mine and your Soul to come together in every life? Because, that is how it feels for me. It feels like our two Souls always insist on finding each other. Which blows my mind. Because, I am such a cynic and this whole Soulmate stuff just sounds so extra.

“Whoa, whoa. What makes you say we’re Soulmates?”, I asked.

“This moon card, that’s you. This earth card, that’s him. The Earth and the Moon, one cannot exist without the other”.

I was stunned by that statement. And what’s more, it felt True. I couldn’t deny all of the feelings and energy I felt.

I had done a little research. According to Google, in the state you got married, if people want to file for divorce, the couple needs to be separated for a certain amount of months, a considerable stretch of time. Soooo, for months I was soooo certain you were making plans on getting a divorce. It scared me at times how sure I felt this was True. More months had passed. I was laser focused on my career.

While working for a non-profit, I would bounce around from the organization’s office to several different schools throughout the week. It was challenging because it was such a different pace from what I was used to. This job really brought forward my leadership abilities, my creativity, my tendencies to nurture. Time flies. I really enjoyed working with teenagers. I felt into their confusion and found it to be relatable. I built up some amazing, trusting working relationships with the kids I counseled. Sometimes, they would try to dodge me, but over time, I gained their Trust. We would laugh together sometimes. More rarely, the students I worked with felt comfortable enough to cry before me, being completely vulnerable in their pain. I bore witness to their pain, to let them know they were not alone.

I started working with teens in the Fall of 2022. Not long after I started working there, I would tap into a very specific headspace. It was all about how I could figure out how to find or create a job I could do from home because I was a bit obsessed with planning on being a mom. Then, it transmuted to me needing to own my own business because that would give me more freedom, adaptability, and creativity. I figured I could adopt children since I am single. It was a very intense headspace. And I would bounce from this Mother Hen Headspace to being convinced that Wanderer was preparing to leave his wife for me to being laser focused on counseling the children I worked with. My energy felt scattered. I was exhausted most of the time. This scattered headspace went on for months. I was so busy and exhausted all of the time. And then my Intuition felt fuzzy. I decided to go in for an Astrology reading. This was in the first week in October of 2023. I met with the same Intuitive I had met at Coffin Club.

I asked her about the Soulmate Connection. She said it was done. I was stunned, confused, frustrated. After that consultation, I texted Fairness? This is what I texted her:

Hello! I thought you might be mildly, morbidly curious about some of the Meta-Physical stuff I’ve been experiencing lately. If I am wrong and you are not curious. Then, please, Disregard. Last Thursday I had my very first Astrology reading, which confirmed ALOT for me. I got confirmation about the past life violent deaths. About the past life soulmate connections with Wanderer. I also got confirmation about some of my abilities. One heightened ability is my mental psychic ability. Which means I can manifest things into the physical realm. Which checks out–last year, I did a money spell and got that exact amount when I accepted a promotion to clinical supervisor in a raise. I have been in denial about my Mediumship ability. Apparently, that is supposed to even out soon, which sounds nice. Apparently I will be able to see spirits. I’m not sure how I feel about that. I’m not sure how that is supposed to assist me in working with people. I prefer to focus on this physical realm; to help people gain clarity about who they truly are and providing support in healing. The thing I am really iffy about is this new soulmate connection. Apparently, it is in the stars that I will meet my soulmate for this specific lifetime soon. (It will be a real chill relationship vibe, that part sounds nice. I want, need and deserve chillchillchill). Prior to going through a spiritual awakening, I was very content with occasionally taking on a new lover. I was aware that some people get soulmates, I was not envious of this; I accepted it as a fact. This whole soulmate thing, as it applies to me, I’m kicking and screaming. My life was a little happier being oblivious about soulmate connections. Ignorance is Bliss, as they say. Sometimes that is absolutely correct. I miss that ObliVion. This new soulmate connection might be an architect, engineer; someone who works with his hands. Who does not have a lot of trauma. He might be an artist. The reader mentioned baking and went on a tangent to describe the beauty of wheat. In January, I am going to start a 6-month training program with Headspace. The curriculum of that program reminds me of Buddhism. I’m very excited for this! I haven’t felt this excited about something work related in many months. That’s all I wanted to share. I hope you and your people are well.

So that was that. I had to release all of what I thought I knew and felt. I had to let go of this feeling that Wanderer wanted to be with me. Things change, nothing is guaranteed one way or another.

One evening, I had an intuitive urge to go onto social media. I looked up Wanderer’s wife’s profile. And that is when I saw that you both had recently had a child together.

To be continued…..

killer….FKA twigs

tears in the club…..FKA twigs (feat. the weekend)

Lights On…..FKA twigs

all up in my head…..Sara Diana

You Were Meant For Me…..Jewel

Who Will Save Your Soul…..Jewel

Intuition…..Jewel

Need You Like That…..EZI

The Perfect Girl…..Mareux

R U Mine?.....Arctic Monkeys

Do I Wanna Know?.....Arctic Monkeys

Working with a Spiritual Awakening Coach can be an essential part of one’s Soul-U-tioN.

BlackBlueCoffee 4/10/25 BlackBlueCoffee 4/10/25

A great love or a great illusion—part 4

Disclaimer

It was Springtime, the year was 2022. My intuition was becoming more frequent. Also, I experienced a lot of chronic fatigue during this time. Actually, the fatigue began in 2020. That was the time my anxiety also heightened at an overwhelming rate. Between those two feeling states, I didn’t have as much energy like I used to before the pandemic which was challenging. Working as an addictions counselor requires a lot of stamina. For years I only had energy to devote to my work and figuring out the anxiety, fatigue, and the intuitive hits that would come to me; I was taking things one day at a time.

It was April when I realized that I can also communicate with spirits. Which was intense. I went to an Easter celebration with my parents. A friend of theirs lived on a beautiful property by the river with her husband and two children. She recently was cleared of cancer. I understood it was a very scary health battle for her. I had known of Cyrus and husband for years. They owned a local winery. I kept my distance from both of them. What I had felt into was their Insensitivity. Their shortsightedness on how other people exist in the world. Cyrus came from a wealthy background and could not relate well to the people who worked for her and her husband. Also, a bit of a shit communicator. Plus, I immediately picked up on a mean girl vibe from her. Actually, a couple of my friends used to work for her and her husband; it wasn’t that great of an experience. My friends did not enjoy working for them. What I remember my friends mentioning was that Cyrus would sometimes mention to people that she had been friends with Tupac. Yes, the one and only Tupac. It was my understanding that Cyrus had been friends with him just before he got really famous and at the beginning of him getting very famous. I remember when first hearing about this supposed friendship, I rolled my eyes. This felt like an exaggeration on Cyrus’s part. It is not uncommon for people to proclaim,

“Oh, I was friends with such and such before they got famous”. As if it’s some kind of social capital. And I suppose that does work for superficial people. Cyrus had gone to high school around the San Francisco area, as did Tupac. In high school, Cyrus had been a cheerleader, and was very popular. Had a lot of wealth and privilege. Not exactly relatable. The impression I had gotten was that Tupac had attended the same “good”, white, wealthy high school as Cyrus. That is how they had met, they were classmates. I had assumed that, at most, they had shared a class way back when. I didn’t believe that Cyrus actually had been friends with him.

So when my parents invited me to go to this celebration, I was on guard. I remember on the way there, I was in the back seat of the car and noticed my energy dipping.

I shared with my parents, “It’s going to be a low energy kind of day”.

When we got to the property. I noticed the beautiful, healing energy of living in nature. They lived in a gorgeous house by the river. They lived surrounded by so much beauty. I had noticed the sauna in their garage and was reminded that Cyrus had very recently been cleared of cancer. I remember when I saw her, I actually felt very happy to see her. She looked healthy. Wearing a beautiful, flowing, yellow spring dress. I felt a gentleness when I looked at her, which I was surprised by. I complimented her sense of style, she responded, “All I want to be is comfortable”.

“Comfortable and fashionable”, I said, smiling at her. I felt into Love while looking at her.

I was also distracted by all of the other people, the energy, the stimulation. I quickly went for a walk to get a closer view of the river. When I returned to the house to go to the bathroom, I passed by Cyrus’s daughter, who looked to be 11. When I saw this girl, I was struck by feeling and thinking to myself, “She’s so beautiful. And sweet. Lovely. A beautiful work of art”. I asked her where the bathroom was. She politely pointed and said it was just up the stairs.

It was mostly Cyrus and her husband’s friends and a couple of neighbors that attended the easter day party. I mostly kept to myself, taking little breaks interacting with other people. The adults got to hide A LOT of plastic easter eggs all over the property. I had sooooo much fun taking handfuls of eggs and helping to scatter them for the children to find. It was such a joy to see the children so happy, so enthusiastic. It filled my Heart space. I watched with amusement and a sense of pride while Cyrus’s daughter climbed a very tall and huge tree to retrieve one of those eggs. I thought I had heard that particular egg had some money in it. I cheered her on as I gleefully watched this beautiful girl in a dress (with shorts on underneath) carefully and diligently climb this massive tree. She struggled a bit but was determined. A couple of the kids on the ground playfully threw stuff at her in attempts to distract from her goal. I joined the other adults who were cheering her on.

“Get it! You got this! Yeah!!!!!!”. It was so much fun to see her finally get that egg!!! Everyone erupted in cheers for her Victory. There was so much joyous energy around everyone, it was lovely.

A little later. I noticed an uncomfortable energy around me. Then I saw him. He looked to be about 25, I think? He was looking at me, he could hardly contain himself. He was standing next to his mother and (awkwardly) with some distance there stood his wife. Earlier in the day I had noticed this young couples’ toddler toddle around while the toddler’s grandfather lovingly watched over him, making sure he stayed safe. Earlier in the day, I had also noticed this young man having a lot of fun helping to hide the eggs for the children. I observed and noted (because I observe everything) how conventionally attractive he was. Curly hair, a tall and strong build.

But the way he was looking at me was very uncomfortable. The way he was rendered speechless and making garbled noises at the same time made me want to teleport the fuck out of there. When I realized he was looking at me and struggling to make sense, I kept my distance. And immediately went into appeasing mode, trying to soften the tense energy around us. Mind you, my body was completely covered. I wore one of my favorite dresses that is both comfortable and fashionable. It is a black dress, with a high neck, full sleeves and the dress goes below my knees. I wear a thick, black belt to snatch in my waist. I know my body has a certain kind of shape that some men really enjoy and the immediate thoughts that come forward are SEXSEXSEX. Whether I have gained weight or not, my body shape still retains a certain kind of silhouette.

I made attempts to inject some lighthearted humor, it didn’t seem to make a difference. There were other people standing around, observing this strange interaction. His mom stood next to him, she said, “This is my son”.

“Yes, I can tell that he is your son”, and smiled nervously. They both had very curly hair, it was a distinguished physical feature of theirs.

I stood there awkwardly, noticing this young man’s wife, she seemed stressed, to say the least. This whole situation highlighted to me how some people shouldn’t be married. Not when they still feel the need to roam and plant seeds; if you know what I mean.

I wanted to get the fuck out of there. No one was doing anything to intervene. Can someone distract this guy, pleeeaaase??? The strained awkwardness continued to grow. I remember abruptly leaving the area. I didn’t say anything, I just kept smiling nervously and left the area. I went to the river.

A few days later I was looking for a job. I had recently quit my counseling job due to the toxic work culture. My body could not keep up. A week prior to me quitting, I had so much tension in my body, I felt trapped in my own body due to the tension. I knew I had to get the hell out of there, so I quit that job and did not look back. I dropped my resume off at a small, feminist pleasure shoppe. Aaaannndd, since I was there, I looked around admiring the plethora of items for sale. Lots of sensual products. What caught my eye were some lavender shower steamers, they were elegant and beautiful.

“This is perfect”, I thought to myself.

The next night I received another intense intuitive hit. This time it was NOT about Wanderer.

I kept seeing Cyrus and Tupac but there was distance between them. The physical sensations were so intense, I could not ignore it. My mind was in an infinite loop of Cyrus and Tupac CyrusTupacCyrusTupacCyrusTupacCyrusTupacCyrusTupacCyrusTupac CyrusTupacCyrusTupacCyrusTupacCyrusTupacCyrusTupacCyrusTupac

CyrusTupacCyrusTupacCyrusTupacCyrusTupacCyrusTupacCyrusTupac

I begrudgingly went to my computer and got onto Youtube. I searched for Tupac. The first result was an interview he did with Ed Gordon in ‘94. Watching this interview, my Intuition vibrated as Tupac talked about how he wanted to master learning how to channel his energy more effectively ; how racism impacts and harms everyone ; the greed in American Culture, the Exploitation. As I was watching this interview, the sensations lessened. In my mind; I felt into Love and saw Cyrus and Tupac. Holy shit! I was so wrong about Cyrus. Ego checked. Tupac has a deep, profound LOVE for this woman.

Then, I remembered the shower steamers. They were from him!!! He wanted me to give them to her. He desperately demanded that I give them to her. When morning came, I was outside grounding, attempting to gain clarity. I made plans to mail the shower steamers to Cyrus. For Tupac, that was NOT good enough. I had to give her the gift in person. Period. I asked my mom for Cyrus’s phone number. When I entered the number into my phone, I immediately texted her to ask her if she could meet with me as soon as possible. This was on a Saturday, the date was 4/23/2022.

Phoebe: It is really important I see you today as soon as possible to deliver a package to you. Where can I meet you? This is Phoebe.

Cyrus: For Cyrus? I’m in Medford now.

Phoebe: Yes. Where in Medford can I meet you?

Cyrus: I’m at Barnes and Noble. I can meet up in Central Point if that helps.

Phoebe: I can be there in about 40 minutes.

Cyrus: Ok. I’ll be here:)

Before I left to go to Medford. I quickly wrote Cyrus a note to go with the lavender shower steamers. As I was writing this note, I remember feeling scrambled. The note consisted of congratulating her on beating cancer.

I will take a pause here to highlight that I am not the type of person to insert myself into peoples’ lives. I mind my own fucking business. So doing something like this was very outside of my comfort zone. I don’t believe in rescuing people. I just try to stay in my own lane. So this whole interaction was deeply uncomfortable for me. However, due to the intense physical sensations, it was motivating me to act quickly. The more I did what Tupac wanted me to do, the less anxiety and uncomfortable sensations I experienced.

I met her inside the bookstore, we decided to go outside for this conversation. We were in front of the building, away from other people.

“I have something for you!”, I awkwardly gave her the note. She read it, then looked at me confused. Then I gave her the lavender shower steamers. I watched her look at them, she seemed delighted.

“They’re beautiful!”.

“They’re from him! From Tupac!”. She looked pensive for a moment.

“You know, when I knew him. He was just a guy”.

And then something clicked and opened within her.

She spoke about how chaotic both of their lives were. She talked about the parties, with underaged girls. And how sometimes she would wait for him in her car. And then when he got really famous.

“And I knew I couldn’t reach him. He had so many venomous people around him. I had to save myself. I couldn't save him. I had to save myself”.

“He understands. He understands. He has soooooo much Love for you. He is so happy that you have so much Beauty in your life. And your children! You’re Beautiful children. He is so happy for you”.

She nodded, then started to cry. “I know, I know that”.

Then she mentioned his mother. I felt into her despair and being rejected.

“I’m sure she was like, ‘Good job Tupac! A rich, white girl! Great! She was so racist!”. Her feeling of rejection was so potent.

I was taken aback by her deep well of sadness that she had been carrying with her for decades. Even though she attempted to dismiss the profound, spiritual connection she shared with Tupac, there was no mistaking the grief; the sleepless nights thinking, “What if?….”.

“You know, I know in an alternate universe. We are together with our children”. I felt into her desire for things to be different.

“So many people are still so obsessed with him. People want to know what he ate, they can’t stop talking about him. If I wrote a book about our relationship, I would make sooo much money”, she was pensive as she said this.

She stood there sobbing for a few minutes. Then she smiled.

“You know, sometimes he was like a little boy”. The image of Tupac being very exuberant, gleeful and excited for life and being naked flashed in my mind. We both giggled.

“So. Why, you? Why would he choose you to give me this message?”.

“I grew up in neighborhoods similar to how he grew up before I went into foster care. Also my addiction counseling background. And when I was in Portland I took psychology classes centered on American Masculinity and African-American Masculinity; those classes changed my life. It all made sense to me.”.

“He has a message for you too. This isn’t just about me”, she asserted. I thought for a minute. At that moment, I couldn’t think about what kind of message he would have for me. I don’t have a connection with him.

We said our goodbyes.

Later that evening, Cyrus and I had a brief text exchange.

Phoebe: I forgot to mention he did come through with a specific message for me. Recently at my previous employment I was confronted with the leadership that currently have a lot of narcissistic qualities. He gave me the message that I have to strengthen and use my intuition to better meet people where they are at, not where I believe they should be, headspace wise. I have lived many lives before this one. In a lot of my previous lives I have a mission to bring more balance and harmony to this world, I always come back to this world as a woman. In a lot of my previous lives I get brutally murdered by intensely insecure, hurt men. So he gave me that message and now I have all the conviction I need to actively use my intuition as I see fit, with the intention to bring more harmony.

Also, he wanted me to highlight he had a lot of internalized trauma he had no idea how to address AND he was an empath. Combined with being exploited by a lot of narcissists it created a lot of emotional havoc.

Cyrus: Thank you. I was able to write down what I needed to say to him. I never thought he would need to know that I forgive both of us and that I am proud of him. I wish I had known the whole person. We were so young and living a ‘throw yourself over the finish line fight’ to survive. Our lives collided. The fallout needed to be dealt with. Now I’m burning what I wrote (while having a gin and juice–long story). Thank you. What an unexpected good day.

A week later I texted her this:

I feel a bond with you since we had our conversation. I hope you are feeling well. Also. I just discovered that Grants Pass has a metaphysical shop. It is called Juniper Stones. I’m going to go there this afternoon to pick up some sodalite stones for clarity and to cleanse energy. Just thought I would tell you about this shop in case you didn’t know.

Cyrus: I am good. Thank you! Thanks for the heads up on the GP store. I didn’t realize it existed. I’ll check it out.

Tupac often thought about Cyrus. But she drifted away. And he wanted to be successful and to have Power to help the People. And then more shit went down. He got farther and farther away from her. He had no idea how to get back to her. Everything got so fucked up. He needed to serve the People. They needed him. He thought about her everyday. He tried to fill up the Vacant Void within him. He just couldn’t figure out how he could get back to her. It hurt him so bad that he couldn’t get back to her. He carried that Loss with him to his death.

About a year and a half later Cyrus had passed on. Her cancer came back, very aggressive. She really struggled to let go of all that did not serve her highest good. She struggled with change.

To be continued….

Some music I listened to while writing this:

FEEL…..Beneld, BURY

Speak No Evil…..Demo Club, TENDER

mary magdalene…..FKA twigs

sad day…..FKA twigs

fallen alien…..FKA twigs

mirrored heart…..FKA twigs

California Love-Original Version…..2Pac, Roger, Dr. Dre

Working with a Spiritual Awakening Coach can be an essential part of one’s Soul-U-tioN.

BlackBlueCoffee 4/8/25 BlackBlueCoffee 4/8/25

A great love or a great illusion? Part 3

Disclaimer

On Monday while I was at work, I called my dad during a break.

“Hey, I’m just wondering if you read my email?”, I inquired.

“Yeeesss.” He sounded playful. Why?

“I know it sounds kind of nuts. But I just felt compelled to write that just in case. Is Wanderer okay???”.

“Yes. You know, Wanderer and his wife have a very unique relationship. They’re both very unique”.

Okayyyy, not sure where this is going.

“Wanderer has always been a little different. He’s a great guy. You know, he and his wife are planning on being in the area during the holidays, we could all meet up for dinner…”.

“Nooo! I just—”. He repeated how Wanderer is a very unique and special person. Then he said, “It’s okay if you feel a connection with him”. Which I thought was an odd thing to say. I wanted to firmly say no to this invitation because I was not expecting that. This was a surprise. I immediately felt embarrassed. My dad reassured me it would be okay. I reluctantly agreed to this loose plan. Besides, it would be a few months out anyway. I figured, it probably wouldn’t even happen. I was just sooo relieved that my dad didn’t dismiss me. That was a huge relief.

Months went by. I stayed focused on work.

The meeting with Wanderer and his wife did not happen. Which I felt relieved about. I was not interested in that kind of meeting; how could it be anything but awkward?

Also, I still felt a sense of concern for Wanderer that I was not comfortable with. This concern for him felt very misplaced. I don’t even know this guy. Why, all of a sudden, I am constantly thinking about him? This situation made me feel trapped and suffocated at times.

It did not help that both of my parents were acting odd. They were a bit jumpy for some reason. They were both very supportive of me trying to gain understanding about my abilities. Although sometimes, I could sense the boredom pouring from my mom. Like, she was over the fact that I was attempting to better understand how I receive and perceive the world in order to get a better handle on it. In order to master it.

As the months went by, past life memories started resurfacing, all of them reflecting past experiences with Wanderer’s soul. With many of these memories there was a disturbing pattern. The memories were from many different past lives and in a lot of those lives I experience a gruesome death. I get strangled by intensely wounded men. When these memories came through for me to process, my neck was actually sore for a few days. It was wild. Also, in every life that I was murdered, Wanderer is left behind and he never gets over the death. It’s a devastating repetitive pattern.

Also, my parents were doing weird shit. It felt like they were trying to talk me into getting sucked into a relationship. It felt like they were trying to brainwash me into converting into someone I am not, someone who is Desperate to be in a relationship. That also felt suffocating and it highlighted just how much neither one of them sees me as I actually am. It brought a lot of resentments to the surface I had been harboring over the years.

I could feel Wanderer’s energy around me which felt like a roller coaster.

I also had this sense that I was being cornered into something. It was very blurry back then but I remember feeling erratic.

Then it was December. My dad had planned a birthday celebration for my mom. It was very thoughtful. It was at a local wine bar place. A lot of my mom’s friends attended the party. I asked my mom if Fairness?, Wanderer’s mother, was going to attend. My mom informed me that she couldn’t make it due to traveling for work. I was relieved that she wouldn’t be there, I would have felt awkward around her.

So, for the past several months my energy was divided between my work and understanding my Intuition more completely. But the thing that was really coming to the surface for me was my long held resentments towards both of my parents. They have always placed so many of their assumptions and fears onto me. For so long I felt responsible for their feelings and got caught in the habits of pleasing and appeasing. Which really goes against my soul’s natural programming. Just not into it.

During my mom’s party, I was carrying all of these resentments. It was at the forefront of my brain. When I arrived at the bar, I immediately made sure I had a glass of wine to help soothe my nerves. I was enthusiastically chatting with the bartender. He was charming and entertaining. I remember really enjoying the lively conversation, I was laughing and having a good time which also helped to soothe my nerves. Then my dad abruptly interrupted the conversation and redirected me away from the bartender. I felt like he was trying to control me which pissed me off. I had another glass of wine. And another. And another. And another. By the end of the night I was very drunk. I hadn’t gotten drunk like that in many months. When I decided to work as an addictions counselor I had let go of drinking alcohol; at first, it was just an experiment, then I realized I am much better off without it.

At the end of the evening, I was in the back seat of the car. My dad was driving, my mom chatting. My rage and resentment was at the forefront. I don’t remember what I said to my mom, I do remember the intention was to be hurtful and mean and I remember hearing her whimpering. Then I closed my eyes and stewed in my resentment.

I continued living my life. Still feeling Wanderer’s energy around me and feeling intensely conflicted about that. Neither one of my parents brought up the supposed meeting with Wanderer and his wife. While I was relieved that those plans had fallen through, it was still confusing that there was no open conversation from either one of my parents about this change in plan. I felt like the best thing to do was to write another email to both my parents.

I felt the need to share what my experience was like when I had received that intuitive hit concerning Wanderer:

Da and Ma,

I wanted to tell you about this experience but I feel too nervous to say it out loud. It is about the night I thought I had Covid and the email I sent to Da on the 10th.

At first, I thought I was sick but eventually, I realized I was having some sort of intuitive hit.

It felt like a sensory overload. Physically, I was short of breath and my body felt buzzy and hot. Then something came through to me, it felt like I was on a fast merry-go-round and like some sort of energetic download. What came through was Wanderer–Frustration–Time; Wanderer–Frustration–Time; Wanderer–Frustration–Time. Over and over again. Then, I heard the words, “I don’t care”, on repeat.

I tried to ignore this for a few hours but it wasn’t going away and it felt violent inside my body. I could not ignore this and it was physically, emotionally, and spiritually very painful.

What I also felt was an overwhelming concern for Wanderer.

When I couldn’t take this anymore, I decided to start writing that email. That was when this energy started to lift slowly. It took a full 24 hours for that energy to leave my body. The concern I felt for Wanderer has lessened but it has not gone away. I still feel very concerned for him which is very uncomfortable for me.

The only thing I know for 100%, is that energy came to me, not from me. I don’t know why this energy came to me or where it came from.

Since I started working as a counselor, I have been slowly accepting the reality that I am more tuned into energy and I have experienced things that are not considered normative, that are difficult to describe.

Realizing that weird shit kept happening, over the past few years, I tried to accept that I might experience an intense intuitive hit. I expected this would happen when I physically share space with another person OR with a person I have a close and intimate relationship with.

I did not expect to experience an intuitive hit about someone I haven’t spoken to in over a decade.

This has increased my anxiety a bit. I’m not sure how to cope with this other than I have to be more diligent in strengthening my body and mind so I can deal with this stuff better.

The resurfacing of my intuitive gifts is very bittersweet for me. Up until I was about 10 or 11, my intuition brought me comfort. But then I noticed that other people didn’t seem to experience this world in the way that I do and it scared me and that is when I started to actively suppress and deny my intuition and being tuned into energy; even though stuff would still come through. Very confusing.

I felt I needed to communicate this to you because I know if just kept this to myself, it will only increase my anxiety and it is also a relief to let other people know about these experiences, so I can feel less alone in this. The people I have close relationships with need to be aware of this because I am tired of feeling the stress of hiding this. I just don’t have the energy to do that anymore.

I’m still on the lookout for some sort of spiritual, intuitive mentor. I also know I might not get that. There are a lot of crackpots claiming they have some sort of intuitive powers, not interested in dealing with that kind of crazy. ;)

I want to stress that I don’t think my intuition makes me “special”. I believe a lot of humans are meant to be tuned into intuition and energy but our culture separates us from our mind, body, and spirit; it is no wonder so many people are disembodied.

Life is weird.

My mom responded to the email suggesting that I should call Fairness?. I was receptive to this because I felt like she would be the perfect person to talk to about this. I was very keen on figuring out how to read energy so I can live my life more fully. Because my Intuition felt like it was lit on fire. I felt safe talking to Fairness? about this odd situation.

She listened to my concerns and shared that his wife copes with a chronic illness and he recently took time off from work to take care of her. She was calm and grounding. I really appreciated that she was open to having an odd conversation like this. I figured, that is why I had tapped into his energy. His concern for his wife. I remembered from our adolescence how strongly he felt about things. It did not surprise me he would be able to step into a caretaker role. I remembered from when we were kids, he expressed his belief that being married is “normal”; I also felt into his wanting of this. After he made that comment, I remember thinking, “But being married makes it hard to get away. Easy to get trapped”.

During this conversation with Fairness? I told her I felt like Wanderer and I are Soulmates. I remember how she kinda sounded taken aback from this statement. The subject was quickly changed. Later I texted her to clarify what I mean by the word “Soulmate” because I understand how this word has been dressed up in a Hallmark-like fashion and totally over used in a romantic, narrow way. When I said the word “Soulmate” I just meant being compatible with another human (or humans) on a soul level. Friends can be soulmates, family members can be soulmates, sometimes, even work colleagues can be soulmates.

At some point I had decided to message Wanderer via Facebook Messenger. I felt it would be useful for him to have more understanding of my perspective. I sent the last couple of messages in February of 2022.

I don’t know if you are reading these messages or not. Either way, it feels important to reach out. When I was 25, I was having an especially hard time. I was really depressed and unable to control my crying. So I went to therapy. I saw this therapist weekly for about 4 months. I was adamant about making progress as quickly as I could because I so needed to feel stronger emotionally. I did a lot of healing during that time. One of the things that came up was that last visit I made with my mom and when you and your siblings took me to that play. I described that memory to her. At that time, I was 18 and had recently decided to end my relationship with my biological mom. And while I do not regret making that decision, it was a very difficult thing to do. A lot of people who get divorced from their spouse get counseling and sometimes medication (drugs!) to help with that life transition. I didn’t get any guidance or support, not what I actually needed anyway. With making that decision to cut her out of my life, my main take away from that experience was that I was defective and undeserving of love or happiness or peace. REALLY depressing. So when I described that night you guys took me to see that play to my therapist, the way I described it was, at the time, I assumed you guys were just trying to be nice to the poor, sad, weird foster kid. She asked me, “Why is it so difficult for you to let people take care of you?”. Ouch. Being confronted with that question was a very painful thing to hear. I suppose I very much internalized the idea that I was just a pain in the ass and not worth much at all, a lot of self-loathing. This is something I am still working on. It is a difficult thing to let go of, if that makes sense. Anyway, it feels important that I share that with you. Hope you are well. :)

The final message I had sent him:

So I realize how super random me messaging you has been. I acknowledge that. It is not a habit of mine to message people from my past that I don’t know well. I tend to mind my own business so I can live my life and figure out my own answers. In the last several years my intuition has steadily grown stronger which can be super great especially when I can use it in the work that I do but it can also scare me when I don’t understand it. Very definitely a double-edged sword. I consider myself to be a skeptic and very secular-minded so things like intuition and spirit and otherworldly concepts are absolutely not something I consider myself to be an authority on. Recently I have been deeply processing on what it means for me to sense energy and be intuitive. At this moment, I feel the most at ease and comfortable with this extra sense since I’ve been a child and that feels like a gift.

I want to highlight I expect skepticism. I am very much a skeptic myself and I don’t know how I would receive a message like this from someone I don’t know well. Because, at the very least, what I am about to share with you can make a good story. :)

I am 99% certain we have both lived lives before this one. What I think I experience are some residual knowings about these past lives. The first is very abstract. It is more like a deep, intuitive knowing. In this life, we had a relationship; there was attunement and a deep appreciation for each other. But there was an intense and violent force outside of our control that ended it. It could have been a natural disaster, an accident, war, I am not sure of those details. But I can feel the love from this past life, it was a nourishing kind of love. The other past life has shown up as a story. Since I was about 19 or 20, I have had this story running around in my head and I have had moments where fragments of this story have felt more like memories. Parts of that story feel more like a memory than they did before. It could be in the 1800’s or in medieval times, I’m not quite sure when in history this took place. But in this life, I am a young woman on a journey to find her sister who was kidnapped. It is a very long journey that took years but it felt longer because of the harshness of the world and circumstances. In this life, I’m not sure what you are exactly, some kind of protector? A knight? A healer? I’m not sure, those details are fuzzy. But in this life, we form a friendship and you make sure I am protected when you can not be physically close. We form a deep bond in this life.

Like I said, at the very least, this makes a good story…or a boring one. ;)

I have always had intuition and up until I was about 11, I didn’t question it. When I realized that most other people don’t experience this world in the way that I do, I started to suppress and deny it because by comparing myself to other people, I got scared.

When I first met your family, you weren’t there. During that first visit, I remember very vividly that the reason you weren’t there that time was because of me somehow. That could be my intuition or it could be my narcissistic, depressive, self-loathing, I don’t know. But I remember thinking that my presence there was the reason for your absence. Then I dismissed that thought. When I was 15, 16 my mom showed me a holiday family photo that your mom had sent. When I saw you in that photo, I felt I had known you before, which immediately made me feel very uncomfortable. It was quick and it felt like it triggered my intuition which scared me. And then, going forward from that experience when I had to interact with you and your family that made me feel even weirder. And then I was 18 and at that time and for many years after I was completely preoccupied with figuring out how to heal myself from trauma. Which has been so long and confusing and lonely and frustrating. Even though my parents had good intentions, they were (and apparently still are) very clueless about the ramifications of chronic trauma and how that fucks up thinking, brain development, the nervous system, everything really.

But I wonder if the curiosity you had about me when you were a teenager, if apart of that was some kind of transference from our previous lives? Its all so mysterious and wondrous. Gets the imagination flowing. :)

Please know that my intention and hope with writing this is to offer a broader perspective, more understanding. I’m not even sure if that is what you need. I don’t know for sure but my intuition is backing this up and I am learning to trust it more. :) Reaching out like this might just be really selfish on my part. I’m not certain about that one way or another.

I hadn’t known that you had gotten married. I first learned about that this past summer when my parents mentioned you had a wife. When I unfriended your sister, I made a conscious effort to stop looking back and to focus on what was right in front of me. So, I had stopped lightly cyber stalking you. ;) I learned a lot about myself when I was in Portland. This pandemic has really brought forward my intuitive gifts and now I am at a point in my life where I can no longer ignore it but to process it and understand it to the best of my ability. I know I will always abide by my ethics and attempt to do no harm. It is my intention to be a Good Witch.

I had sent him multiple messages giving him my perspective. He didn’t message back when I wrote to him. That was okay because I figured he would receive those messages when the time was right.

To be clear, writing to him was very uncomfortable for me. When I was 18, I very much believed I would never see him again. What I could imagine for his future was him going off to college, meeting a “normal” girl and getting married. He would get over his childhood crush. He would forget about me and be better for it. Besides, I had zero interest in getting trapped. Because, let’s face it, most relationships are a slow burn, poisonous Trap.

Soon after I had sent him that final message. A strange situation happened. I received another intuitive hit.

What I felt was a euphoric feeling. The impression I received was seeing him alone and…I’ll just say, it was made obvious to me that he was thinking of me, what I heard him say over and over was, “I love you I love you I love you I love you I love you”.

The feeling of euphoria that flooded my body was intoxicating, never felt anything like that before.

Then I felt depressingly sad because that means he still thinks about me. The exact thing I didn’t want for him.

To be continued…..

Some music I listened to while writing this:

lost dream…..arya x

hide…..(midnight edit)

pay for you…..psylosia

Run…..SMITH

wet dreams…..Artemas

No good…..Asal

Aphrodite…..Sam Short

Working with a Spiritual Awakening Coach can be an essential part of one’s Soul-U-tioN.

BlackBlueCoffee 4/5/25 BlackBlueCoffee 4/5/25

A Great Love or a great illusion part 2

Disclaimer

Wanderer went to the same Military Academy that my adoptive dad had gone to. Twice my dad gave me a sweatshirt with the school’s logo on it. I think the first sweater was given to me just before he started going to that school? The timeline is blurry to me because at that time, I just didn’t pay that much attention. Also, during this phase of life I struggled with intense depression. Unnoticed by both of my parents. The second time was absolutely while he was attending that school. The first sweater, I had accidentally ruined because I had gotten paint all over it. At the time, I thought nothing of it. I took it at face value. I believed my dad at that time. Then years later, in 2021, my dad gave me a cocktail mixer for old fashions. Interesting thing about this mixer is that it is produced on the other side of the country just a couple of hours away from where Wanderer lives with his wife. My dad had given this mixer to me just after he and my mom had visited Wanderer’s family’s social gathering (which Wanderer and his wife attended). Anyway, I don’t believe in coincidences. Besides, at this time, my intuition was on point, even though I doubted myself. Also, there was that time his sister friended me on Facebook, years ago, while I was in a deep depression, I must have been around 25 at that time? I know she doesn’t even like me. She thinks I’m too weird. She sent me a friend request and I accepted it, even though it confused me. I was easily confused at that time. She never reached out to me with a message. Just the friend request. Odd.

From time to time; I kept it a rare occurrence. I would look him up on Facebook. While I spent a lot of energy avoiding thinking about him ; there was no point wasting my time thinking about someone who had a vastly different life than I did. With that said, when I did think about him, I wished things had been different. I wished we could have laughed together, play. But we didn’t. So, from time to time, I would get curious about what he shared on Facebook. Around 2016/2017, the name he was going by was not his first name, but his middle name. At that time, I did a little double take. Hmm. Not going by his first name. A name change. This was interesting because my first name, Phoebe, is not my birth name. I changed it when I was 13. When I noticed this name change while on Facebook in 2016, at that time I told myself, “A lot of people change their names. Don’t be so narcissistic Phoebe. His name change is not about you”. Now, I know this name change of his was just one of many passive ways he hoped to connect with me.

A lot of little signs throughout the years adding up.

Also, it is not typical of my dad to give me gifts. He just isn’t that thoughtful towards me or my sister. It’s out of character for him.

Insisting on following my intuition will always lead me to unexpected places. I lean into my curiosity. I work really hard to practice detachment. Even when I actively ignored and suppressed my intuition; insights still came through for me. If these insights didn’t stress or challenge me in any way, I told myself I had just gotten “lucky”. If the insights did stress or challenge me, I just told myself I was, “crazy”. I had internalized the expectation to gaslight myself.

I don’t gaslight myself anymore.

Back to autumn of 2021: My dad had given me that cocktail mixer. A couple of nights later, I had gotten an intense intuitive download that concerned the boy from my adolescence. I was trying to go to sleep; I felt buzzy and hot all over, like I was on a fast merry-go-round. My breath became shorter. I was afraid I was experiencing some sudden, intense Covid symptoms, maybe I had been exposed to that virus? I heard a male voice. I heard the words, “I don’t care!” over and over again. In my mind’s eye, I saw Wanderer, he seemed very distressed, he would not leave my mind. The impression I felt was Wanderer-Frustration-Time over and over again. I went to my computer and forced myself to focus, I instinctively knew there was some kind of message trying to get through. I slowed my breathing and went Inward. I wrote an email:

Da,

I might be experiencing some weird psychosomatic intuitive stuff that I don’t fully understand or appreciate. I trust your perspective. I get a sense that there is some unresolved stuff concerning Wanderer. If this resonates, will you please make sure Wanderer reads this?

Wanderer,

I know we haven’t seen each other in many years now. Writing this out is so fucking weird, so bear with me. When I came to live with my parents, I met them as strangers.They were strangers; I didn’t know them and I agreed to go live with them. A strange situation. Before meeting them, I had experienced a lot of crazy shit that I internalized as trauma. For as long as I could remember, I never felt safe.

So I would dissociate a lot of the time, which is a response to trauma. When I dissociate, mentally and emotionally, I go deep inside myself where it is dark, cold, and cramped. But on the outside I look like I am functioning. I can somewhat carry on a conversation and look somewhat normal or awkward and uncomfortable. But on the inside, I check out.

All those years ago when my parents brought me to your family’s home, I immediately felt intimidated....and...you guessed it unsafe. Nothing in that environment was familiar to me, if that makes sense. I dissociated every single time I was there. So I was never really there, not mentally, not emotionally.

I think you had a curiosity about me. I probably freaked you guys out. I’ve been called the weird, crazy girl a million times.

That last time I visited with my mom. You invited me to go see a play with you and your siblings. It was a lovely, thoughtful gesture. And again I dissociated.

I realize now, after many years, therapy, and living life; you were trying to make a connection with me. At that time, I was in a lot of emotional pain I did not know what to do with; it overwhelmed me.

I feel compelled to ask you:

Has this been a pattern for you? Trying to connect with another person even though they cannot be present with you? When it comes to being in relationships do you feel seen and valued for who you are as a human being? Loved?

I don’t know much about love. I consider myself to be really terrible at it.

But these kinds of things are important. Human beings are wired for connection, blah blah blah. It is true.

You have accomplished and done some amazing things in your life. It is admirable and intimidating.

I hope you are living your life that is aligned with your values based on your lived experience and not so much from external sources.

Take good care of yourself and stay safe. :)

Peace.

While writing this email, I was not certain if I was even writing in a coherent way. I kept hearing so many languages all at once as well as Wanderer’s voice saying, “I don’t care”, over and over again.

That night I did not sleep well. I was very afraid that I had gotten Covid.

When I hit “send” to have the message delivered to my dad’s inbox, I cringed inwardly. In the past, when I had experienced sensations like this I would either smoke some weed, have a drink or distract myself in some other way. It was really scary for me to be open about the information I had received. I felt unsafe putting myself out in the open about my intuition. For decades I felt ashamed of the insights that came to me. I was really nervous about how my dad would receive that email. Would he call me Crazy? Delusional? Dismiss me?

During this time I was living on my parent’s farm. Being scared that I had gotten Covid, I had been texting my mom (her phone was turned off) throughout that night about thinking of going to the emergency room. That is how scared I was with all of the sensations I was experiencing. And the hospital was ABSOLUTELY the last place I wanted to go to. All throughout the pandemic I struggled with the fear of getting sick. So for me thinking about going to the emergency room was a very big deal for me.

That morning I spoke to my parents about feeling very ill. By this time, the sensations had lessened substantially. They had plans to go away for the weekend and I would look after the farm for them. I did not mention the email I had sent my dad. I was expected at work that day. I decided to call in sick. After talking with my parents about my options of what to do. We all decided it would be just fine for them to go on their trip and I would skip work for that day and go in for a Covid test.

I went into town, got the test. The test came back NEGATIVE. No Covid. I was relieved that I could rule that out. So if I didn’t have Covid. Hmm? What does that mean exactly? During this time, I wasn’t ready to face my Power, my Intuition. While I stuck to the habit of gaslighting myself, I still felt restless and curious.

Later that evening I made myself a very strong old fashioned. After making my drink. I looked at the mixer bottle more closely. I really appreciated the aesthetic of the design, definitely my vibe. As I was admiring the design on the bottle, I looked at the back. That is when I noticed where this was made. Just a couple of hours away from where Wanderer has lived for years. What a “coincidence”! When this realization came to me, the sensations and my Intuition communicated, “Ding ding ding!!! Ding ding ding!!!! You are C-OOO-RRRRECTT; this a gift from Wanderer!!!! The energy you are picking up; you are on the right track. Keep gooooooing!!!!”.

To be continued…..

Some music I listened to while writing this:

PUFF PUFF…..SMITH

Quantum Physics…..Ruby Waters

Crocodile…..Goth Babe

Foolish Games…..Jewel

Lose My Breath…..Rhea Roberson

Fantasies…..Llynks

THE DEATH OF PEACE OF MIND…..Bad Omens

Working with a Spiritual Awakening Coach can be an essential part of one’s Soul-U-tioN.

BlackBlueCoffee 4/1/25 BlackBlueCoffee 4/1/25

A Great Love or a Great Illusion?Part 1

Disclaimer

I am known as Phoebe, Divinely Guided by the Power of the Moon, Supported by the Strength and Determination of Saturn. I am a Devoted Child of Lilith, The Queen of the Damned

This acceptance and realization has embraced me along with some understanding and insight.

I recently went to an astrologer for a synastry reading to get some honest truths and understanding of this potential future that lies before me. There is a particular potential future with a potential someone; I will refer to this person as Wanderer. In this reading, the astrologer highlighted that our charts indicate many beautiful, complementary placements. There is potential for a passionate, adventurous , pleasure-filled, Spiritually-Aligned Partnership. She highlighted just how much of my type he is. His leadership qualities. His humor. His playfulness. His consideration. The vibrant, electric sensual and sexual connection we have to each other.

However, there is one significant placement that could indicate that he is an Illusion. A Trick. A potential Trap and Liability. My blood ran cold when she gave me that information. However, I was not surprised.

While our charts do indicate many lovely points of connection, there are some points that will cause friction. He triggers my shit and I definitely trigger his shit.

We haven’t really seen or spoken to each other for years. Our moms have been friends for decades. My parents adopted me out of foster care when I was a teenager. That is how he and I met, through our parents. As a teenage girl who had been neglected and abused and who was also very aware of other peoples’ projections of me; I was afraid all of the time. On a good day, I could pass for pretty and when this happened, people would make up all kinds of stories about me that were not true.

The way she dresses is for male attention.

FALSE.

She doesn’t talk to us because she thinks she’s better than us.

FALSE.

She’s a stuck up Bitch.

Can you guess what I am going to say???

I didn’t know it at the time. But as we got older and he went to college he would give me gifts. I did not know they were from him. My dad gave me those gifts as if they were from him. My dad lied to me.

Throughout the years as we got older. Very rarely would I think about him. When I did think about him, I hoped so much that he did not think about me. That he would forget about me. I wanted that for him so deeply. I knew when we were teenagers he had a crush on me. And that made me feel very sad for him. My self-worth did not exist at that time. I hated myself so deeply, that it took all of my strength to not end my life.

He was not aware of my inner thoughts about myself. He projected his desires and fears onto me, made assumptions. Those assumptions were wrong.

I was so aware of how fucked up I was in the head. The abuse that I experienced as a child was a real mind fuck. I knew it was up to me to heal myself. It would be no one else’s responsibility but my own. Also, I have always been able to feel my way through the world with very good accuracy, especially when it comes to people. So many people call themselves, “good” but are they really? When they live in denial and projection and blame and shame and manipulation? And they choose to not change those damaging habits. Are they really that “good”?

As a 15 year old girl, I looked more like a woman than a child. I was treated like a woman too. My adoptive mom would habitually remind me how “mature” I was for my age. If I ever dare to whine or complain or express my fear, the adults around me would withdraw and ignore me. I quickly learned to stifle my complaints and fears. I felt like I was walking on eggshells all of the time because I was.

What I understand now, is that even as a teen, I was highly intuitive. I could sense what people were thinking about me when they looked me up and down. Sometimes it was criticism, like, “Uhg, too fat”, or “she seems kinda dumb” or “what’s wrong with her?”. Sometimes it was a backhanded compliment, “you have such a pretty face” or “you would be so much prettier if you lost some weight”, most people actually felt comfortable telling me this directly, no telepathy needed. The thoughts I spent the most energy blocking out came from some (not all) men, grown ass men, “she looks so much older than her age” or “foster care, huh? No one would believe her if I….”or “how can I get her alone with me?”. It was excruciating to know just how many men wanted to fuck a child. I never mentioned this to anyone because I knew no one would believe me. Not when these men appeared to be such “nice” guys.

This is just one example of how my intuition has saved my life.

I spent so much of my energy protecting myself. I just didn’t want to get raped again. I just wanted to be safe. I was very selective and careful with the friends I chose to trust and even kept those friends at a far distance.

When it comes to my intuition, I am now at a place where I trust my intuition first and other people second. Just like Nature intended.

This boy from my adolescence who is now a man. A married man. He had been giving me gifts for years without my knowing. I’m sure he thought this habit of his was harmless. Just like a man to not be aware of the impact of his actions on others.

To be continued……

Some music I listened to while writing this:

Lilith…..Kiki Rockwell

Pieces Of You…..Jewel

Lose My Breath…..Rhea Roberson

Wear Me Out…..CASHFORGOLD, Sidewalks and Skeletons, Mary Mortem

All up in my head…..Sara Diana

I Choose Me…..Amanati, Roniit
Lovers In A Past Life…..Calvin Harris, Rag’n’Bone Man

Working with a Spiritual Awakening Coach can be an essential part of one’s Soul-U-tioN.

BlackBlueCoffee 3/2/25 BlackBlueCoffee 3/2/25

The Spiritual Child

Disclaimer

One book I am currently reading is called, “The Spiritual Child: The NEW SCIENCE on Parenting for Health and Lifelong Thriving” by Dr. Lisa Miller, PH.D. One idea she highlights and backs with scientific research is how children are naturally tuned into Spirit. Through play and their natural ability to live in the moment, they are tapped in. The past couple of days I have been reading chapter 4, “ A Soul Arrives”. One major theme this chapter goes over is how mindfulness plays into being able to tap into Spirituality and how infants, toddlers and young children do it effortlessly.

This morning I rode my bike to one of my favorite coffee shops to study Astrology and to enjoy a half-sweet mocha. I was sitting by myself and noticed a two-year old toddler walking by with his mother. His mother looked distracted and stressed. The toddler made eye contact with me and smiled.

I smiled back and waved a little wave.

He smiled and waved a little wave.

Him and his mom rounded the corner in the shop and I couldn’t see them.

Then he initiated a game of Peek-A-Boo. He would peek from around the corner, make eye contact and smile and giggle and then “hide” around the corner again. I played along, and tuned into him hiding around the corner and (acting “surprised”) when he peeked back to me and around and around the game went. This lasted for a few minutes. He was a sweet child. Of course, I was going to play peek-a-boo with him. As we were playing the game, I wondered what he was seeing and experiencing? Does he see my aura? Can he sense my Cancer Sun and Moon energies? (Cancer is considered the “Mother” of the Zodiac, btw; generally speaking kids naturally gravitate towards me).

After I left the cafe, my mind wandered back to the book and what I’ve been learning about how children are not only naturally playful, they are also naturally loving and ready to connect with the World in meaningful ways. Attunement comes naturally to them.

However.

We live in a World that is not always safe for children or adults. Children are completely reliant on their parents to provide safety, consistently, love and all the rest. Often, shit hits the fan, the babies and toddlers get older, they harden and “toughen up” because of the impact of certain lived experiences.

I cannot help but to wish and work for a World where there is less violence and exploitation for every living being. As someone who is currently consumed with doing Inner Child Healing so that I can reclaim what I have lost along the way; I know the pricelessness of being able to have deep Self-Trust in myself and my capabilities. It has taken me decades to just feel safe in my body.

One of my hopes for future generations is they grow up with the ability to trust their Inner Knowing despite the obstacles.

One can hope anyway…..

Working with a Spiritual Awakening Coach can be an essential part of one’s Soul-U-tioN.

BlackBlueCoffee 2/25/25 BlackBlueCoffee 2/25/25

Astrology As A Tool For Understanding and Self-Awareness

Disclaimer

Before 2024 ended, I started learning more about how to read my birth/natal chart in order to better understand myself and my Soul’s Purpose. Everyday I learn more about this Esoteric Art, I fall in love with it more and more. Since we live in a world that is chock-full of Gaslighting and other forms of Manipulation, finding the tools that can help ourselves gain more Self-Trust is not only a wise investment for one’s peace of mind; it is also a quiet way of rebelling against the current matrix that is heavy on Fear and Disempowerment.

This past week I started a 16 week Astrology course with the Astrotwins. It is called Become Your Own Astrologer. I became aware of this program while mindlessly scrolling on Instagram. I checked to see if there was a payment plan offered, when I saw that there was a reasonable payment plan, I immediately signed up. Slowly and surely, I am piecing together my own Witch School to help me strengthen my intuition. It feels lovely to come together with others online once a week to learn about this subject. I feel less alone.

The natal chart is essentially divided like a pie. The slices of the pie vary from person to person for a variety of reasons. It contains a lot of information. One type of segment in the chart is referred to as a house, typically, the chart is divided into 12 houses. Each house represents a different area of life, it goes like this:

House 1: Relationship to Self

House 2: Best ways to make money, honey ;). Also, Values, Possessions, Desires

House 3: Local Community and Communications

House 4: Roots, Foundations, Family of Origin/People Grown Up With

House 5: Romance, Self-Expression, Art, and Pleasure

House 6: Work, Wellness, and Daily Routines

House 7: Relationships, Partnerships (including business and friendships)

House 8: Transformation, Sex, Wealth and Mystery

House 9: Long-distance travel, Spirituality, Higher Learning (could be Academic and/or Esoteric/Philosophical)

House 10: Career and Public Image

House 11: Community, Hopes, Goals

House 12: Connection to the Collective Unconscious, Spirituality, Creativity

Learning more about my chart has been deeply validating.

Here’s an example: when I was a teenager I went through the foster care system. I have never met my biological father and while growing up, my relationship with my birth mom was always disappointing and strained to say the least. At the age of 17, I decided it was best for my overall well-being and for the sake of my peace of mind; I decided to sever that relationship. I have not seen or spoken to my birth mom since my late teens.

My 4th House (Roots, Foundations, Family of Origin/People Grown Up With) is EMPTY. I have no planets or placements in the 4th House. For me, that is an absolute reflection of my lived experience. I have no ties to my biological parents. I have no ties to the people I grew up around. I had to be highly self-reliant as I grew up. To say I feel a certain level of detachment from my family of origin…is…yup. Obviously, this is just one interpretation of what an empty 4th house could mean for someone. There are more components to a birth chart that highlights nuance. It was an impactful moment for me to understand what the 4th house means and how it specifically reflects my lived experience.

For me, this is just one reason why Astrology is a worthwhile tool for Self-Awareness. Everytime I see a professional Astrologer for a reading, it feels like a highly therapeutic counseling session. I always leave feeling validated and empowered. It’s like Magick!!!!

One thing I really appreciate about Astrology is that it comes down to pattern recognition. This is one of the reasons why I appreciate Numerology, pattern recognition is a big piece of that puzzle. Once people learn the language of Astrology and Numerology, the rest is golden.

I know one major theme of this current lifetime for me is to live a dynamic, spiritual, witchy life OUT LOUD. To be an Out and Proud Witch. For a really long time, I thought I could get away with keeping my intuition a secret from everyone in my life. It turns out, my Soul insists on I outwardly use all of my gifts to co-create a life full of magick, wonder, creativity and to take up as much space as I need; in order to help other people to realize and own their special, unique gifts they are destined to offer the world as well. Everyone who is called to Awaken (not everyone will experience such a call) will need to go through a difficult transition period. I refer to this period of time as The Initiation. This can be a highly volatile and uncertain time. A lot of people who experience a Spiritual Awakening mistake the need for Ego Death as physical death and they complete suicide. Anytime anyone completes suicide, it is always tragic and painful. Having gone through the initiation myself, I understand the long, sleepless nights, the necessary shedding and letting go of what no longer serves; in order to advance in one’s Soul’s Purpose. It’s confusing, it’s lonely, feelings of bitterness and resentment bubble up.

Which brings me back to why Astrology is such a helpful tool to create more understanding of why we are here at Soul Level. Learning about my natal chart is a lot like looking at a map to see potential destinations. It helps me to feel grounded and supported.

I am excited to continue on my journey to learn more about the Esoteric Arts. Learning more about Energy, Spirituality and the Unnoticed validates why I am here. It has become comforting for me to KNOW, beyond a shadow of a doubt, that I am right where my Soul intended me to be. It feels Magickal and Powerful.

Music:

GASLIGHT!......Maggie Lindemann, Siiickbrain

THE DEATH OF PEACE OF MIND…..Bad Omens

V.A.N…..Bad Omens, Poppy

Working with a Spiritual Awakening Coach can be an essential part of one’s Soul-U-tioN.

BlackBlueCoffee 2/2/25 BlackBlueCoffee 2/2/25

Whore of babylon

Disclaimer

“I’d rather be hated and debated than hold the truth back”—Zheani

As a woman, I have noticed when you genuinely question the status quo that goes against capitalist and patriarchal ideals; it is very easy to be hated. Even more so when you clearly and directly communicate your boundaries.

I have always been aware of the expectations to fit into the predetermined mold of “acceptable” womanhood. That was never of interest to me. I remember, very clearly, as a teenager being surrounded by women who walked the tight rope of the “acceptable” woman trope. The stress and stain of their efforts were palpable to me. They were so busy being many things to other people that they really didn’t know who they were when they were by themselves, in silence. That is one reason why they needed to stay so busy. Because if they genuinely slowed down and really gave more thought and attention to their true, authentic selves; what would happen then??? Which relationships in their lives would feel more like a prison sentence? What if they really understood their worth? What would happen if they said, “No” more often?

As antiquated as it may seem; simply rejecting mainstream ideals such as marriage and other patriarchal norms….(haven’t we evolved since the 1950’s???) Many people still feel threatened when women refuse to subjugate themselves in the name of relationships and some kind of idea related to family. The feeling is: Conform OR Else. The fear of exile runs deeply in most people. Men are not immune to these internalized ideals of conformity either, they just get to experience a different flavor of internalized patriarchy.

So, in the wise words of Zheani, “I’d rather be hated and debated than hold the truth back”.

Question Everything.

Side Note: If you find yourself in the midst of a Spiritual Awakening; Welcome to the Unofficial Club!!! I know the early days of a Spiritual Awakening can feel maddening, confusing and exhausting. There are so many ego deaths involved. The unnerving questioning of Identity, questioning the meaning of this life, past life memories resurfacing, experiencing intense and energy draining Ascension symptoms, the list goes on. I know when I was in the early days of going through the Initiation of a Spiritual Awakening; I experienced confusion, loneliness, and a lack of direction. What I wished I had during those days was some kind of guide…maybe even a coach? A Wellness Coach. That is exactly why I offer these kinds of wellness coaching services. I know how valuable it is to be able to talk about experiencing ALL of the kinds of experiences that come with going through a Spiritual Awakening. I understand the kind of peace one can receive when they get the support that they need.

Working with a Spiritual Awakening Coach can be an essential part of one’s Soul-U-tioN.

To schedule your free, initial consultation, click on “Book Session”.

Peace be with you.

Much Love.

BlackBlueCoffee 1/25/25 BlackBlueCoffee 1/25/25

Attunement

Disclaimer

I came across this definition of attunement a couple of years ago. I can’t remember the original source. It is possible that I strung two different ideas into one. Either way, this is the most detailed depiction of what attunement is, to my current level of awareness.

Attunement: Kinesthetic and Emotional SenSing of Others; Knowing Their Rhythm, Affect and Experience by MetaPhorically being in their skin, and going Beyond Empathy to CREATE a 2 person Experience of Unbroken FEELING CONNECTEDNESS by providing a Reciprocal Affect and/or RESONATING Response.

Isn’t it ironic that all humans need attunement, especially in early life and yet, most people are denied this???

Current culture needs people to be starved of attunement. When people live with Deep, Inner Lack; they are easier to Control and Manipulate.

Music I listened to while writing this:

GASLIGHT!.....Maggie Lindemann, Siiickbrain

Side Note: If you find yourself in the midst of a Spiritual Awakening; Welcome to the Unofficial Club!!! I know the early days of a Spiritual Awakening can feel maddening, confusing and exhausting. There are so many ego deaths involved. The unnerving questioning of Identity, questioning the meaning of this life, past life memories resurfacing, experiencing intense and energy draining Ascension symptoms, the list goes on. I know when I was in the early days of going through the Initiation of a Spiritual Awakening; I experienced confusion, loneliness, and a lack of direction. What I wished I had during those days was some kind of guide…maybe even a coach? A Wellness Coach. That is exactly why I offer these kinds of wellness coaching services. I know how valuable it is to be able to talk about experiencing ALL of the kinds of experiences that come with going through a Spiritual Awakening. I understand the kind of peace one can receive when they get the support that they need.

Working with a Wellness Coach can be an essential part of one’s Soul-U-tioN.

To schedule your free, initial consultation, click on “Book Session”.

Peace be with you.

Much Love.

BlackBlueCoffee 1/2/25 BlackBlueCoffee 1/2/25

Calling in love

Disclaimer

I want to make Love to the World. I will explain.

As I tap into my intuition and mind’s eye and visualize what I want to experience in my life in 2025. What comes forward, is leaning into the unknown even when it scares me.

It means A Lot of Ego Death again, again and again.

I am making preparations to leave the country and to live a digital nomad lifestyle for a few years. One of my goals is to avoid experiencing the winter season for as long as I can.

When I think about how I want to call in more Love into my life, I think about how I want to be IN love with Life.

There is something about the vagabond lifestyle that inspires and reminds me to make the most out of every moment because life is just so fucking fleeting.

I want to experience love in each new city I live in.

I want to experience love in every cup of coffee I drink.

I want to experience love with every flower I touch.

Love is Vibrant, Expansive, and Strong.

I want Love and I want Evolution.

I am Love.

Expansion is inevitable.

Side Note: If you find yourself in the midst of a Spiritual Awakening; Welcome to the Unofficial Club!!! I know the early days of a Spiritual Awakening can feel maddening, confusing and exhausting. There are so many ego deaths involved. The unnerving questioning of Identity, questioning the meaning of this life, past life memories resurfacing, experiencing intense and energy draining Ascension symptoms, the list goes on. I know when I was in the early days of going through the Initiation of a Spiritual Awakening; I experienced confusion, loneliness, and a lack of direction. What I wished I had during those days was some kind of guide…maybe even a coach? A Wellness Coach. That is exactly why I offer these kinds of wellness coaching services. I know how valuable it is to be able to talk about experiencing ALL of the kinds of experiences that come with going through a Spiritual Awakening. I understand the kind of peace one can receive when they get the support that they need.

Working with a Wellness Coach can be an essential part of one’s Soul-U-tioN.

To schedule your free, initial consultation, click on “Book Session”.

Peace be with you.

Much Love.

BlackBlueCoffee 12/25/24 BlackBlueCoffee 12/25/24

Looking IN The shadows in order to look forward

I am in the season of Reflection. As I want to make the most out of Capricorn Season and set myself up well for the start of 2025 (which is a 9 year; a year of completions and endings, according to numerology); I have been doing shadow work. Initially, I thought I would be able to wrap up focusing on shadow work before 2025…Not going to happen. I will be keeping up on investigating my dark side for a very long time.

The themes that keep showing up are: being able to sustain Self-Trust, especially with my Intuition. Stubbornness. Distraction. It is no secret to me that there are innumerable external sources that benefit from me not trusting myself; I know this to be true, and yet I still struggle with doubt, indecision, confusion.

I know on the other side of the doubt and confusion there is Freedom. Power. Pleasure. Illumination. Harmony. Passion. Love. Expansion.

So, how am I going to make it to the other side of Paradise???

Ritual–Whenever I am able to sustain my Rituals, I feel my power and connection To All That Is.
Relationships–I am now at a place in my Spiritual Awakening where I feel less discombobulated and more grounded and centered. I feel ready to make more connections in my community, which is exciting!
Reparenting Myself–I will continue to practice being my own kind, patient, understanding, nurturing parent while still holding myself accountable.

That is the start, at the very least.

I am looking forward to the upcoming ending of 2024. I am looking forward to 2025. You cannot have new a beginning without an ending.

Cheers!!!

May Peace Be With You.

Side Note: If you find yourself in the midst of a Spiritual Awakening; Welcome to the Unofficial Club!!! I know the early days of a Spiritual Awakening can feel maddening, confusing and exhausting. There are so many ego deaths involved. The unnerving questioning of Identity, questioning the meaning of this life, past life memories resurfacing, experiencing intense and energy draining Ascension symptoms, the list goes on. I know when I was in the early days of going through the Initiation of a Spiritual Awakening; I experienced confusion, loneliness, and a lack of direction. What I wished I had during those days was some kind of guide…maybe even a coach? A Wellness Coach. That is exactly why I offer these kinds of wellness coaching services. I know how valuable it is to be able to talk about experiencing ALL of the kinds of experiences that come with going through a Spiritual Awakening. I understand the kind of peace one can receive when they get the support that they need.

Working with a Wellness Coach can be an essential part of one’s Soul-U-tioN.

To schedule your free, initial consultation, click on “Book Session”.

Much Love.

BlackBlueCoffee 12/2/24 BlackBlueCoffee 12/2/24

Contemplative thoughts

I have never been much for the approval of others. I have experimented with it and came up Empty. If I had been thoroughly consumed by it, I would have gotten Plastic Pretty. And focused on maintaining the male gaze to win as many “prizes” as possible. As a teenager, I met soooo many women in their 40’s and beyond who had no fucking clue who they were. And witnessed them chasing the approval of others. That struck me as desperately sad. It was a True Education to see people (of all genders, not just women) who had all of the “right” things on paper but they had sacrificed their sovereignty in the process. I Vowed that would never be me. I was fairly comfortable looking like a mess because I felt like a mess.

Investing in myself, exploring and acquiring Knowledge and building Self-Trust are investments that will continue to provide me with Abundance In All Forms.

True Love Is Everywhere.

Do You Feel It???

Side Note: If you find yourself in the midst of a Spiritual Awakening; Welcome to the Unofficial Club!!! I know the early days of a Spiritual Awakening can feel maddening, confusing and exhausting. There are so many ego deaths involved. The unnerving questioning of Identity, questioning the meaning of this life, past life memories resurfacing, experiencing intense and energy draining Ascension symptoms, the list goes on. I know when I was in the early days of going through the Initiation of a Spiritual Awakening; I experienced confusion, loneliness, and a lack of direction. What I wished I had during those days was some kind of guide…maybe even a coach? A Wellness Coach. That is exactly why I offer these kinds of wellness coaching services. I know how valuable it is to be able to talk about experiencing ALL of the kinds of experiences that come with going through a Spiritual Awakening. I understand the kind of peace one can receive when they get the support that they need.

Working with a Wellness Coach can be an essential part of one’s Soul-U-tioN.

To schedule your free, initial consultation, click on “Book Session”.

Peace be with you.

Much Love.

BlackBlueCoffee 11/25/24 BlackBlueCoffee 11/25/24

Healing the Witch Wound: Part 2

Disclaimer

I realize this kind of healing will be an ongoing process. Since I have been working on this specific wounding for a while, I feel like I have a little bit of perspective about healing the witch wound. The first step in healing this wound is Acknowledgement. When a person is able to stop gaslighting and minimizing themselves and accept their experience for what it is even though it is uncomfortable and scary, that is the first step in healing.

It has taken me a long time to stop talking myself out of how I experience the world. Because the way I experience this human experience is often messy, ugly and uncomfortable. I supposed that is why so many people self-sabotage themselves in this kind of healing. Because to heal in this way is to confront a lot of inconvenient truths and shadow parts. To heal in this way is to step into and through uncertainty. To heal in this way is to go through multiple sheddings. To heal in this way is to embrace change.

Side Note: If you find yourself in the midst of a Spiritual Awakening; Welcome to the Unofficial Club!!! I know the early days of a Spiritual Awakening can feel maddening, confusing and exhausting. There are so many ego deaths involved. The unnerving questioning of Identity, questioning the meaning of this life, past life memories resurfacing, experiencing intense and energy draining Ascension symptoms, the list goes on. I know when I was in the early days of going through the Initiation of a Spiritual Awakening; I experienced confusion, loneliness, and a lack of direction. What I wished I had during those days was some kind of guide…maybe even a coach? A Wellness Coach. That is exactly why I offer these kinds of wellness coaching services. I know how valuable it is to be able to talk about experiencing ALL of the kinds of experiences that come with going through a Spiritual Awakening. I understand the kind of peace one can receive when they get the support that they need.

Working with a Wellness Coach can be an essential part of one’s Soul-U-tioN.

To schedule your free, initial consultation, click on “Book Session”.

Peace be with you.

Much Love.

BlackBlueCoffee 11/2/24 BlackBlueCoffee 11/2/24

This Past Week

This past week, I took some time off from work. I got to take the time to go at a slower pace, to practice gratitude for all that I have. I was able to linger for longer in the morning with my coffee. I bought myself a dozen orange roses. I cast a spell on Halloween. Best of all, I was not in a rush. Being more mindful and intentional about how I spend my time ; giving myself more range of motion. All of these little tasks that I practice, I do so out of self-love. One thing is for sure, if I don’t take the time and attention to love myself, no one will. If I don’t actively practice being my own kind, nurturing, loving parent; I will never receive the care that I yearn for. Don’t get me wrong, soon enough, I will be back at it with accomplishing and all of the rest. One goal I do have for myself is to become more consistent with slowing and savoring my time and space.

Side Note: If you find yourself in the midst of a Spiritual Awakening; Welcome to the Unofficial Club!!! I know the early days of a Spiritual Awakening can feel maddening, confusing and exhausting. There are so many ego deaths involved. The unnerving questioning of Identity, questioning the meaning of this life, past life memories resurfacing, experiencing intense and energy draining Ascension symptoms, the list goes on. I know when I was in the early days of going through the Initiation of a Spiritual Awakening; I experienced confusion, loneliness, and a lack of direction. What I wished I had during those days was some kind of guide…maybe even a coach? A Wellness Coach. That is exactly why I offer these kinds of wellness coaching services. I know how valuable it is to be able to talk about experiencing ALL of the kinds of experiences that come with going through a Spiritual Awakening. I understand the kind of peace one can receive when they get the support that they need.

Working with a Wellness Coach can be an essential part of one’s Soul-U-tioN.

To schedule your free, initial consultation, click on “Book Session”.

Peace be with you.

Much Love.

BlackBlueCoffee 10/25/24 BlackBlueCoffee 10/25/24

Healing the Witch Wound…A Journey: Part One

As a person who has experienced resurfaced memories of past lives which includes multiple terrible deaths at the hands of wounded men; I have been procrastinating healing this deep witch wound that I am in possession of. I just haven’t prioritized it, until now. I was recently at a local witch shoppe and found a book called “Heal The Witch Wound: Reclaim Your Magic and Step Into Your Power” by Celeste Larsen. This is a book I did not know I needed in my life. I am grateful for it! I appreciate how Celeste describes the history of the “Burning Times”, as she calls it. The gruesome and fearful reality so many of us lived (at soul level). Being shouldered with the desire to claim authenticity, Inner Wisdom and the Healing Arts and the reality that could lead to torture and death. As I read the passages about this history, I observed the rage bubbling up inside of my soul. The injustice and heartbreak of it all…it can feel all consuming.

I also noted how, as I grew up, I contorted myself into something watered down, to not be too expressive ; to blur my boundaries. Like we all experienced, I was actively rewarded for not having firm boundaries in my life, it ultimately harmed me.

The way this wound has shown up in my life was to remain quiet even while I was being hurt. I carried the belief that no one would believe me anyway, which is rational considering how so many people don’t know how to support those who have experienced abuse. As a child, I had a stutter, which literally made it difficult for me to express myself with words. This wound has been with me all my life but it was difficult to see it ; especially when I was in denial about my witchiness.

I know with each deliberate step I take to heal and practice my witchcraft, I heal more and more; slowly and surely.

Music:

Burn Your Village by Kiki Rockwell
Which Witch by Florence and the Machine

Side Note: If you find yourself in the midst of a Spiritual Awakening; Welcome to the Unofficial Club!!! I know the early days of a Spiritual Awakening can feel maddening, confusing and exhausting. There are so many ego deaths involved. The unnerving questioning of Identity, questioning the meaning of this life, past life memories resurfacing, experiencing intense and energy draining Ascension symptoms, the list goes on. I know when I was in the early days of going through the Initiation of a Spiritual Awakening; I experienced confusion, loneliness, and a lack of direction. What I wished I had during those days was some kind of guide…maybe even a coach? A Wellness Coach. That is exactly why I offer these kinds of wellness coaching services. I know how valuable it is to be able to talk about experiencing ALL of the kinds of experiences that come with going through a Spiritual Awakening. I understand the kind of peace one can receive when they get the support that they need.

Working with a Wellness Coach can be an essential part of one’s Soul-U-tioN.

To schedule your free, initial consultation, click on “Book Session”.

Peace be with you.

Much Love.