BlackBlueCoffee 2/2/26 BlackBlueCoffee 2/2/26

uncomfortable truths

Disclaimer

The information on this blog is not intended as a substitute for professional medical and/or mental health advice, diagnosis, or treatment. This blog is intended for informational purposes only. Any health concern must be assessed by a doctor or another licensed and/or certified clinician.

With certain Truths and Files being surfaced right now; the question I am asking myself is, as a collective, how are we going to move forward? Are we going to numb out and opt out of having uncomfortable conversations about abuse of power and influence? Collective amnesia? Or will we learn to integrate these shadows and know that every person is capable of doing immense harm to others? How do we hold those with power, wealth and privilege accountable? I don’t have the answers but I do know if we care about not repeating the past; uncomfortable conversations across all domains will need to take place.

As someone who has been working in the addiction counseling field for 9 years, I know that many people are not able to heal what was taken and stolen from them. One reason it is damn near impossible for people to heal is lack of accountability and safety. The unveiling of abuses of power on the global stage doesn’t stop there. Abuse and power games take place in many homes; the place we are apparently the safest. And the screams go unnoticed. They are ignored.

When I was a child, I was very aware that some adults enjoy fucking children. A gruesome reality. Speaking from first hand experience, I know how the Inner Turmoil can drown out hope. Just how bleak it can get.

The children of today and tomorrow…what are we going to model for them? Are we going to be a pillar of safety or a really difficult lesson to learn how to surpass? A lesson about a wolf in sheep’s clothing?? A pied piper???

prey…..Aestrea

BlackBlueCoffee 1/26/26 BlackBlueCoffee 1/26/26

untethered

Disclaimer

Considering how we live in a world that benefits from our confusion and fear. Lately, I have been feeling Untethered. It is impossible to not be affected by the World. Lately I have been struggling to feel safe. It has been validating and retraumatizing to realize just how gaslit I had been by my “nice” adoptive family. Just how deeply patriarchal they are even though they appear more progressive than they really are. To be able to deepen my understanding of how impactful gaslighting, manipulation and other forms of emotional abuse disconnects people from their Gut Instincts; from their Intuition. I feel as though I am in the Fog of Grief. I am grieving for the family that I never had. My “nice” adoptive family, far more sinister than not. Which makes me even more grateful they no longer have access to me. They are users and abusers who convince themselves that they are the perpetual Victim; not caring to understand how they contribute to the relationship. I never want to be like that.

So many current systems rely on our confusion and fear and desperation.

Lately, I have been feeling the pull to Harden, to close my Heart. Feeling all used up. Nothing left.

Which tells me that I need to take some reflection time. Become still. Recalibrate.

Since my Spiritual Awaken began in 2019, I have come to understand myself on a deeper level that I had no idea was possible. I have had multiple mediumship experiences. I can see through people’s masks far more easily. My Intuition continues to Strengthen.

I know I can never go back. I know I can’t undo what has been done. And right now I am in a spot where I feel tired and wary and afraid. I also know the way out of this confusing limbo spot is to keep learning, meditating, pushing myself beyond my perceived limitations.

I look at the World, the Injustice; those who get Believed and who get Betrayed. And even though there has been so much pain, I am grateful for my ability to ask questions. To question the status quo. Because the current systems need to change.

I want to be a part of that change. I want to be a Good Witch. To help solve the World’s problems, to be a part of the solution. To be a part of the Evolution of Human Consciousness.

That means it is time to prioritize Silence, Reflection and Learning. To go Inward, for that is where my Answers are.

May Peace Be With You.

Much Love.

Some Music That Inspired Some Of My Thoughts:

Memoirs of the Melancholy…..BLESSED

Rytual…..Jutro, Linda

Phantom March…..PhantomFlow

BlackBlueCoffee 1/20/26 BlackBlueCoffee 1/20/26

iceberg

“C is for Cuckolding

Your boyfriend’s cuckold kink is most likely a subconscious, erotic response to a sexually charged fear. While most of us don’t eroticize our fears, a number of us respond to sexual fears or even traumas by incorporating them into our erotic imaginations. And what do many straight men fear most? Being cheated on”.—Dan Savage from Savage Love From A to Z: Advice on Sex and Relationships, Dating and Mating, Exes and Extras

So, basically people are icebergs. Maybe we see 3-5% of what is conscious that comes from within a person, everything is submerged in the subconscious. And who knows what individual people are aware of. I will add if a person is consistently demonstrating cognitive distortions in the way they think and communicate; it is likely they have little to no self-awareness. Exploring the subconscious mind requires silence and patience, two experiences our culture has gotten really bad at.

BlackBlueCoffee 1/13/26 BlackBlueCoffee 1/13/26

Six Principles of sexual health

Disclaimer

Six Principles of Sexual Health

Considering that only 37% of states in the U.S. expect their schools to teach sexual education that is medically accurate in high schools; it is no wonder that many people struggle within their intimate, romantic relationships. With a lack of knowledge that is based on fact with human well-being in mind; is it any wonder why many people struggle in this facet of life? One thing that is apparent to me, is that many people struggle to talk openly about expectations, preferences; knowing how to build up trust within relationships. The list goes on. There are many cultural influences that blindsides people from developing these skills.

With a Humanitarian and Global Perspective in mind, I really appreciate the following definition from the World Health Organization on Sexual Health.

According to the current working definition, sexual health is:

“…a state of physical, emotional, mental and social well-being in relation to sexuality; it is not merely the absence of disease, dysfunction or infirmity. Sexual health requires a positive and respectful approach to sexuality and sexual relationships, as well as the possibility of having pleasurable and safe sexual experiences, free of coercion, discrimination and violence. For sexual health to be attained and maintained, the sexual rights of all persons must be respected, protected and fulfilled.” (WHO, 2006a)

What I wish is taught to teens more is the relational skills that go into many different kinds of relationships, specifically romantic and/or sexual relationships. Because a lot of these skills are rooted in communication, embodied emotional intelligence and empathy. And most of these skills transfer to all kinds of relationships.

The following are principles and skills that can enhance trust, intimacy, connection, pleasure and authenticity.

Six Principles of Sexual Health

Consent–It is an agreement. Just because you say yes and agree to one thing, does not automatically mean you are agreeing and saying yes to all things. Get explicit about it, make no assumptions. Consider eye contact and body language. Universal concept, every culture has an understanding of consent and how important it is for bodily and emotional autonomy.

Quick Communication Breakdown: 7%ish of our communication relies on verbal (words we say). 38%ish is paraverbal which is our tone (how we say things). 55%ish is nonverbal which is facial expressions, eye contact, gestures, body language, proxemics, and touch. ***Context, Clusters and Congruence aka The 3 C’s of Nonverbal Communication.

Do you say, “yes” when you genuinely want to? Do you say, “no” when you genuinely need to?
When you feel the need to say, “no”, does your nervous system get activated into hypervigilance? Because of feeling wary or afraid of pushback, shutdown, rejection, potentially being misunderstood?
Check-In Question: Do you feel comfortable with a hug? (When first getting to know someone/building trust with sharing personal space).

2. Non-Exploitative–Things to consider: Power dynamics, age, gender, socio-economic status, relationship roles, sexual orientation. How do power dynamics impact the relationship? Are you aware when you are being controlling and manipulative towards other people and/or are you aware when other people are being controlling and manipulative towards you?

3. Honesty–What is the intention of this sexual relationship? How transparent are you about expectations and/or limitations of the relationship? Are there conversations about sexual experiences outside of that relationship such as masturbation, porn, sexual contact with other people including sexting; is transparency about these activities important to one or all who are involved in the relationship? Are you able to be honest about your wants, needs and boundaries even if you potentially stand to lose a relationship? Or experience embarrassment or shame?

4. Shared Values–Is there an understanding of what is important within the sexual relationship for all participants? How do curiosity, honesty, adventurousness, and other values play into the relationship? Are they honored?

How do you want to feel within the relationship?

5. Protected from STI’s/Unwanted Pregnancy/Emotional Safety–What is the agreement on contraception? Condom use? How often do you get tested for STI’s? Having conversations around safety. What are the important factors that go into feeling safe within the relationship? How aware are you of your personal needs for emotional safety; can you communicate those needs?

What does safety look like and sound like to you?
How aware are you when you are in a hypervigilant state?
What are the best ways for you to co-regulate and/or get into a parasympathetic state after realizing your nervous system has been activated?
How comfortable are you with advocating for your needs?
What does repair after a misunderstanding or a disagreement look/feel like within the relationship?

6. Mutual Pleasure–How important is it that sexual experiences are mutually pleasurable and beneficial? Are all participants in the relationship able to authentically express themselves? How is desire expressed and/or received?

What is your tolerance for navigating uncomfortable conversations?

What is your own vision of sexual health for you?

Keeping in mind just how impactful the relationships we participate in and how those relationships impact every important part of our lives; learning to implement these principles may be a worthwhile investment for our overall well-being.

Music

Let’s Talk About Sex…..Salt-N-Pepa

S&M…..Rihanna

Feeling Myself…..Nicki Minaj, Beyonce

WAP…..Cardi B, Megan Thee Stallion

Pony…..Ginuwine

I Touch Myself…..Divinyls

southbound…..Artemas

Ava Adore…..The Smashing Pumpkins

All The Things She Said…..t.A.T.u

Sources:

The 6 Principles of Sexual Health taken from Sexual Health in Drug and Alcohol Treatment by Douglas Braun-Harvey. The 6 Principles of Sexual Health has been expanded by Phoebe Rae.
psychologytoday.com blog titled, “Is Nonverbal Communication A Numbers Game? By Jeff Thompson Ph.D.
https://www.bu.edu/sph/news/articles/2025/only-37-of-us-states-require-sexual-education-in-schools-to-be-medically-accurate/

Supportive Materials

Books

Savage Love from A to Z by Dan Savage
The Erotic Mind by Jack Morin, Ph. D.

Every book and podcast created by Dr. Esther Perel

Mating In Captivity: Unlocking Erotic Intelligence
The State of Affairs: Rethinking Infidelity
Where Should We Begin? (Podcast)
How’s Work? (Podcast)

BlackBlueCoffee 1/6/26 BlackBlueCoffee 1/6/26

healing at the spa

Disclaimer

I have had multiple experiences of being sexually exploited in my life. Those experiences left me feeling dirty and all used up. As someone who has experienced sexual abuse as a young child, I grew up with the sense/feeling/belief that I was defective/tainted/gross. For a really long time, I have been on my own with figuring out my answers on how to heal and maintain healing. Considering we live in a chaotic, often violent world; we all get traumatized on some level and so, it stands to reason to come up with ways of coping and learning how to defuse the strain and stress of our existence.

I have become more tuned into how my nervous system jumps into hypervigilance whenever I am around men…so basically everyday. I wondered what else I could do with lessening this nervous system activation; the bottom line is, it drains more of my energy than I feel is necessary. I have gone to therapy, gone to support groups, I have deepened my self-awareness, done a variety of breathing exercises, journaled, I take walks in nature, I exercise everyday, I have gone back to therapy multiple times, I have learned and strengthened assertive communication, nonviolent communication, asking open ended questions, I have had many intimate conversations with men about their experiences with healing from abuse, I have released the toxic people that were once involved in my life and still I feel soooo afraid. What gives??? Don’t get me wrong, these practices have been integral in my healing…and yet…

That is when I let my Curiosity lead me.

There is a spa.

At check-in, I hand over my ID and phone temporarily. This spa is swim suit optional. What I typically do, is after I have changed into my dusty-rose colored robe and swim top, I go into the stream room and sit in silence. I focus on my breathing. Sometimes I am in there alone and sometimes there are other naked people in there with me. We don’t speak to each other. Everyone is sharing space and in their own experience. As I am sitting, I like to imagine all of the stress and stuck emotions in my tissues melting out of my body. I stay in the steam room until I can’t take it anymore. Then I go into the dry heat sauna for a bit. I sit in silence, I breathe the hot air into my lungs, grateful for its cleansing properties. I’m focused on being present inside my body. Practicing gratitude for my strong, healthy body. I have had to work so hard to get to the point where I am actually grateful for my body. From the SA I have experienced, the body shaming from the adults (women in particular) and other kids as I grew up, the bullying, grown men undressing me with their eyes…it’s a lot to process. AND what is also true is that my experience is not unique. So many of us have these kinds of experiences. In my case, the adults around me were stuck in their own survival or denial; either way I was on my own to figure this shit out. It’s been lonely.

After sweating out toxicity from my body for a bit, I get a cold beverage. Alcohol isn’t served on the premises. I usually get a corpse reviver (water infused with electrolytes); guava rose is my preference. I get my water, I sit by the bonfire and look up to the sky, sometimes I can see the Moon. After a good sweat, going outside, getting a lovely drink and leaning back on a lounge chair and looking up at the sky; lovelovelove. It feels soothing and relaxing; I feel calm. Sometimes I observe other people. At times, people are having conversations in the jacuzzi; sometimes I tune in out of curiosity. Sometimes I am in my own experience.

After replenishing my body with water, I hang my robe and go into the jacuzzi. I love the warm, bubbly water. I wear a swim top and skip the bottoms. For about 10-15 minutes I do light humming to activate my vagus nerve, I will bob up and down in the water gently. After about 10 minutes of this practice I feel so good and safe in my body. I feel like I am in a Womb. I imagine I am in the Womb of Mother Earth; so Warm, Nurturing, Life-Giving. Sometimes I imagine I am a Mermaid. Tapping into my Imagination and Play is a, “Fuck You!!!”, to the system that wants us severed from our Imagination.

I had a hunch that being partially naked would somehow enhance my healing practice. I was correct. Engaging in this practice consistently, I have noticed a shift within myself. The shift has been subtle and definitely there. There is something about being in the presence of men and being partially naked while I engage in my rewiring practice…while I can’t specifically call out the mechanisms of why this is working; the bottom line is that it works. This practice is helping me to rewire my nervous system. To train my brain that I Really Am Safe.

Even though most people are naked, the vibe isn’t sexual. It is very possible that some people are sexualizing others in their mind, we are all products of our culture after all; however, touching other people isn’t allowed nor is creepy, prolonged staring. And so far, my experiences at this spa have been deeply supportive and safe.

These experiences have highlighted just how healing water is for me. My Sun and Moon are in the sign of Cancer. My natal chart is Water Dominate. I grew up swimming in the Ocean. Of course water feels so good to me, so healing.

I feel grateful for my Curiosity; it leads me to surprising places. In a world where exploitation is as commonplace as breathing; of course, there is a need to think outside of the box when it comes to figuring out our own answers for Healing.

Stay Curious. 🙂

Much Love

Be Safe.

Some Music I Listened To While Writing:

Courage To Change…..Sia
Move Your Body…..Sia
Talk Show Host…..Radiohead
running up that hill…..Dominic Donner
Breathe Me…..Sia
Bird Set Free…..Sia
Midnight City…..M83
Elastic Heart…..Sia
Chandelier…..Sia

BlackBlueCoffee 1/5/26 BlackBlueCoffee 1/5/26

Secretive Sex

Disclaimer

Considering that most of us experience Shame with our Sexuality; most of us experience Shame with our body; our physical Vessel; what happens? When we have not learned the tools to address these issues, we become secretive. We hide these core aspects about ourselves including from our partner(s). Because what if our partner(s) does not understand our Sexual Desires? We risk being Shamed, Ridiculed, Rejected; these experiences can feel too painful when we are not fully Integrated and in our own Alignment.

Here are some common secretive sexual behaviors that a lot of people who have NOT done their Inner Work typically engage in:

Compulsive Porn Use
Secretive Hook-Ups (especially when one or both involved in these hook ups are supposed to be engaged in a committed partnership/marriage—-this is really common. Or, the sexual interaction is considered Taboo in some way such as with a step-sibling, an elder that took on a family role such as “uncle” or “auntie”, ect.).
The use of dating apps with the goal of receiving those dopamine hits by engaging with and/or receiving attention from others with no desire to actually follow through on meeting with people in the material world. This is purely attention seeking behavior.
Flirting with other people when you are partnered and you know that behavior has a firm boundary and you still choose to ignore that boundary.
Paying for sex outside of the relationship when you have agreed with your partner(s) that is a boundary and you agreed to not cross said boundary. And/or this boundary is implied such as within a closed marriage.
Overriding the physical space of a minor; “accidentally” bumping into them and/or touching them in a way that is intentionally sexual and/or erotic.
Attempting to engage with creepy eye contact with a minor. You may not view this kind of eye contact as creepy; chances are the minor feels this behavior is definitely creepy. It is NEVER the minor’s responsibility to Reality Check the adult. It is ALWAYS the responsibility of the ADULT to hold themselves ACCOUNTABLE.
Talking about inappropriate sexual topics with a minor. There is intent to shock, impress or sexually arouse the minor.

These are just a few examples that immediately came to my mind.

Considering that one of the most common regrets of the dying (according to palliative care nurse Bronnie Ware; she wrote a book about these issues) is,

“I’d wish I’d had the courage to live a life true to myself, not the life others expected of me”.

Think of all of the Suppression that has to happen when people deny themselves Authenticity. This is a deeply painful way to live. The person living this way hurts themselves by denying their Authenticity; whatever we suppress leaks out in Distorted ways. And so, many people are hurt directly and indirectly when we deny ourselves Authentic Expression. Overall, it is a lose-lose situation.

For Example:

Let’s say Jim is in a marriage where monogamy is supposed to be practiced by both partners in that agreement. However, secretly, Jim has been harboring resentment towards his wife (who in his view has never satisfied him sexually, they are incompatible; he knew this while they were dating and before he proposed to his then girlfriend-turned-wife). In Jim’s paradigm he justifies stepping out of the marriage in order to get his sexual needs met because he sees no other option; his and his wife’s lives are entangled and he feels trapped and he cannot express his needs and desires to his wife. What Jim may not be aware of is how this can potentially make him Vulnerable to Manipulation, Blackmail or worse. Do you see how these kinds of secretive behaviors can snowball??? Jim’s affair started out as a zipless fuck (but since people are icebergs and we are lucky if we see 5% of a person, everything else is typically submerged in the subconscious), the affair evolved into a tense situation with high risk and high potential for exposure. And if his wife wanted to drag him through the mud for his infidelity AND if she had, let’s say, evidence of his infidelity; this could potentially be a very intense situation for poor, old Jim that could tarnish his pristine reputation as a “doting husband”. At the very least his hypocrisy would be revealed and that kind of exposure feels like death to Jim. Because at that point he may have no other choice than to look within himself (which he has avoided his whole life) and take a deep look at his tendencies for manipulation, gaslighting and other maladaptive behaviors. Which is the exact thing a lot of people avoid doing because it challenges their paradigm of themselves, their relationships and the World.

Also, a quick side-note about the gender dynamics in this scenario:

Often, boys and men are raised with ingrained beliefs of their right to pleasure and sex (not to mention a right to girls’ and women’s bodies) and girls and women struggle to have autonomy over their own body. For many women, as far as pleasure and understanding their own sexuality; this kind of self-awareness often gets neglected. These beliefs often stem from religion, the media, family of origin, the list goes on. What is also typical is that boys and men are allowed to experience Anger, Lust and Greed; and they are often denied any emotions outside of those 3. While girls and women often operate with more emotional awareness and intelligence. When it comes to sexuality and emotions within heterosexual relationships there is often a HUGE gap of relatability for both partners. People participating in these kinds of relationships where they are not able to connect because of the mentioned dynamics pay a HUGE price. Because who really wants to be consistently lied to, cheated on, manipulated and overall emotionally abused in any relationship?

And since Jim has more power within his marriage, not to mention the world (since we live in a patriarchal society) and since he has chosen to not instigate and lead his wife in having open conversations about their sex life and what he actually wants to experience in that part of their relationship; he has failed to lead his wife. Instead of leading with open, kind, patient, compassionate conversations about their sex life so both of them could be on the same page; he chose to act like a chicken shit and avoid that responsibility altogether. Ideally, he would have been able to instigate these conversations waaaaaay before they got married. Had they had these conversations when they were still dating; they either could have explored and co-created their ideal sex life together OR they would have realized that they just weren’t compatible, ended the relationship and moved the fuck on with their lives.

Another quick tangent: The Clitoris and the Penis. It is now known in the research and medical field that the Clitoris is a sexual organ that is designed ONLY for PLEASURE. The Clitoris has far more nerve endings compared to the tip of the Penis. And so when we think about cultural conditioning about who wants sex more and why; the cultural narratives are far more biased towards the male perspective, especially when these narratives are rooted in organized religion AND patriarchy.

Back to poor, old Jim: Jim has internalized a lot of ideas from other people including the classic Madonna/Whore Complex. Since a lot of this conditioning has been packed into his subconscious and he simply lacks awareness; it is so much easier for him to blame his wife for his shitty sex life.

When people are raising children, as a parent, what kind of parent do you want to be? Are you going to be hypocritical; where you say one thing but then do something else entirely? Are you going to Shame your child for when they have questions about sex and sexuality? If your child catches you doing something with someone that is not their mommy/daddy and your wife/husband/girlfriend/boyfriend/partner ect.; will you force Secrets onto your child thereby creating Trauma and Trust Issues??? As a parent will you be a Wise guide, being a support for your child as your child matures and grows? OR, are you going to be a part of their Trauma and Suppression of Authentic Expression???

As children we were likely exposed to confusing things when it comes to sex and sexuality. However, when we become adults it is OUR Responsibility to Heal OUR Wounds. No one is coming to save us. Every adult is Responsible for their Growth and Healing.

Okay, so we come to the realization that we need to unpack the beliefs and behaviors that only keeps us stuck. Where do we start with understanding our own sexuality better? And communication? And values?

Here is the current working definition (according to the World Health Organization) of Sexual Health:

“...a state of physical, emotional, mental and social well-being in relation to sexuality; it is not merely the absence of disease, dysfunction or infirmity. Sexual health requires a positive and respectful approach to sexuality and sexual relationships, as well as the possibility of having pleasurable and safe sexual experiences, free of coercion, discrimination and violence. For sexual health to be attained and maintained, the sexual rights of all persons must be respected, protected and fulfilled”.

One thing that might be helpful is learning about the 6 Principles of Sexual Health by sexual health author and psychotherapist Douglas Braun-Harvey; the 6 Principles of Sexual Health are as follows:

Consent
Non-Exploitive
Honesty
Shared Values
Protected from STI’s/Unwanted Pregnancy/Emotional Safety
Mutual Pleasure

More will be revealed about these principles next week. Please stay tuned. :)

In the meantime, please feel free to read the blog post titled, “Sexual Health At The Methadone Clinic” dated 8/25/2024.

Much Love.

Be Safe.

Some Music That Inspired This Writing:

touchin’ me…..Chandler Leighton

Back That Azz Up…..JUVENILE, Lil Wayne, Mannie Fresh

Baby Got Back…..Sir Mix-A-Lot

Closer…..Nine Inch Nails

Aphrodite…..Sam Short

What’s Your Fantasy…..Ludacris, Shawnna

Dark Side…..Ramsey

Daddy…..Ramsey

Glory Box…..Portishead

Lilith…..Saint Avangeline

Strangelove…..Black Math

BlackBlueCoffee 1/4/26 BlackBlueCoffee 1/4/26

WAnderer

Wanderer. I know about the photographs from when you were a kid. I wish she hadn’t shamed you about it. I’ve known about the photographs for a few years now. You were just a kid. You needed guidance and understanding. I wish for both of us she hadn’t shamed you. You don’t need to be afraid to go Inward. Yes! It is uncomfortable at first AND that is where you will find your Answers; your OWN Compass. Remember, You Are Love. You Are Love! YOU ARE LOVE!!!

BlackBlueCoffee 12/22/25 BlackBlueCoffee 12/22/25

That boy from my adolescence

Disclaimer

That Boy From My Adolescence, he won’t leave me alone. Will we always be psychically bound to one another? Will it be Forever??? At first, I thought this Psychic Connection was ALL Romantic and LOVELOVELOVE. It is more complex and messier than that. It is not simple, it is not straightforward.

There are times where I feel Revulsion and Disgust towards him; RESENTMENT.

And then I remember when we were children and how much he Loved; With His Whole Heart. So much Beauty.

He has Lied and GasLighted me so much. He thinks of me as His Possession. He thinks of me as his Play Thing. Very Dehumanizing.

What kind of example are you going to set for your Beautiful Child??? Are you going to lead with Lying and Manipulation and GasLighting and Shame? Like what your Father and Mother did to you? Are you going to repeat those intergenerational wounds? Are you going to hurt your child and not give a flying fuck???! What kind of Father are you going to be? You helped to call in this Beautiful Soul and it is YOUR RESPONSIBILITY to support and guide your child that is in alignment with their age development and Frame Of Reference. Are you going to expect them to read your fucking mind? Are you going to impose your expectations onto them? Are you going to make assumptions about them and declare that to be Truth? Are you going to Confuse the fuck out of your child and then dominate them with Shame???! Are you not going to hold yourself Accountable for the behavior you model for your Beautiful Child???

What kind of Father are you going to be???

In moments of Challenge and you see your Child struggling ; are you going to tell them, “Suck it up kid; Life’s hard, get used to it”. OR. “Don’t be a Pussy”. Either directly or indirectly; are you going to be the kind of Father who pulls this Shit???

Please REMEMBER You Are Love!!! YOU ARE LOVE!!!! YOU ARE LOVE!!!!!

I felt inspired to re-read some of the messages I sent you a few years back. One of the things about you that scares me ALOT is your Privilege and Power. You are a highly educated military officer. You are a cisgendered, straight, white, heterosexual male. A Devoted Husband. YOU are in a position of Power and Authority. YOU are at the Top Of The Fucking Food Chain in our fucked up patriarchal culture. And on a physical level, you are still so fucking Gorgeous.

And yet. You have been HIDING for so many years. YOU are not as you appear. There is so much more to you. YOU are like the many colors of a Prism; such a Spectrum, such a Sight.

PLEASE REMEMBER YOU ARE LOVE!!!!!

The following message is what I wrote to you. At that time my Intuition felt so violent in my body and the only way it would subside is if I wrote you messages. At that time, my ego was telling me, “Fuck no. YOU do not want to be involved with this person. It isn’t safe!!!” But the compulsion and the abusive sensations in my body held me hostage. And so I wrote to you, even though I would have preferred to ignore my Intuition. That would have been far, far easier and more comfortable for me. I wrote and sent this to you before I knew you had a child with your wife. I have altered names and significant landmarks to protect the innocent and the not so innocent.

Wanderer,

Please know that writing these messages to you has not been what I want to do, rather, it is more like an intuitive compulsion. I am not attached to a specific outcome or expect a response from you. I don’t feel entitled to receive anything from you.

Since the last time we communicated, I have become more accepting that I am indeed a witch with psychic abilities. For better and for worse. I feel inclined to share some thoughts with you. And as always, it's weird. :)

Going back to that last time I visited with my adoptive mom and you invited me to that school play. During that time, I was experiencing intense suicidal ideation. All I could think about were ways to kill myself. I was not expecting to stick around. It was around that time I was really struggling with the loss of a friend I had known since I was about 5 or 6. She had been coming in and out of my life for as long as I could remember. I really loved her. She was a soulmate. She got pregnant when she was 16, had the baby, and eventually became addicted to drugs. I knew I would never see her again and I had no idea how to process that loss. We had been close when we were kids but then grew apart before high school. I always worried about her.

That night during dinner and all throughout the play, I was focused on thinking about how eventually I would not be around and you would get older, go off to college and meet a girl who made the most sense to you. And you would get over your childhood crush. You would forget about me. You would move on. I hoped that for you. I believed that would be the absolute BEST thing for you; me not being in your life.

But my mind wanders to a lot of coincidences over the years: On two separate occasions my adoptive dad giving me a sweatshirt during the time you were attending that school. I didn’t think much of it at the time. I literally thought he was being sweet towards me and moved on with my day. Your sister friending me on Facebook after I set my profile to private, even though I knew she thought of me as being too weird; she doesn’t even like me. And then, I remember seeing a profile photo of you; it was you on the beach holding a sea turtle. It was odd because when I first saw that photo, the first thought I had was that it was intended for me, it was directed towards me. That photo felt like an offering. Then I thought how weird and random that was. It was just yet another crazy thought. I discarded that thought and moved on to the next thing, refusing to think about you. Still hoping that you had forgotten about me. That you didn’t think about me.

I didn’t plan on any of this. Before experiencing that intense intuitive hit back in September, my general life outline included focusing on meaningful work and a few close, intimate friendships with an occasional fling here and there. It was straightforward and simple; not a lot of intense emotions involved. But, I’m different now. Experiencing these intense mystical, magical and spiritual events; I will continue to grow and evolve into the most authentic expression of my soul’s desire.

Also, I know that cocktail mixer; that was a gift from you. What a coincidence! That mixer gets made 3 hours from where you were living at the time. I didn’t even read the label about where it was made until after I had experienced that intense intuitive hit I had gotten about you. I had written my adoptive dad that first email about if you had some unresolved feelings from when we were teenagers. That intuitive hit I had about you when I was very afraid I might have gotten some sudden, severe symptoms of Covid. That was a very long night and day. My adoptive parents went off to go camping. I went to get tested for Covid (the test came back negative), attempted to get some rest and then later that evening, I made myself a very strong old fashioned. I looked at the bottle more closely and read the back of the label and noticed it was made in —--------------------. I knew you lived relatively close in that area. Anyway, when I read the back of that label, all of my intuitive senses started ringing.

This is where I want to express my gratitude towards you. Up until then, I was not paying attention to my psychic abilities. I kept gaslighting myself that I was just really fucking crazy. My theory is, there was some kind of energy transfer that happened. When you gave my adoptive dad that bottle of mixer, your intention/energy was all over it. I think coming into physical contact with that bottle helped me to experience a very powerful and potent psychic experience. After that intuitive hit I had gotten about you, I became just a little bit more accepting of myself and my abilities. It cornered me to understand myself on a deeper level that I had nooooo idea that existed up until then. That was a pivotal moment for me and I am very grateful for that gift.

I also know when I unfriended your sister after your brother’s wedding, my adoptive dad made “his” profile so you would still get access to what I was posting on Facebook. Why didn’t you ever message me? Why have you been so secretive and not direct about these things?

Okay, so, this next thing is personal. I have debated a lot if I should or should not share this. I don’t know what the right answer is. Like I said, I didn’t ask for any of this. It just is.

In February 2022, I was given another intuitive hit about you. I saw you. The present day, adult you. The you that identifies as —------------------. What I saw was you masturbating and you were saying, “I love you” over and over and over again. It was made very clear to me that you were thinking about me. Then I experienced this warm, orgasmic sensation all throughout my body…it wasn’t bad. It was orgasmic energy, so, yes it felt very pleasurable. I don’t know why I was given that download, but I was, and I understood that you were absolutely thinking about me when you were saying, “I love you” over and over again. And then I felt very sad for you because that means you did not forget about me in the way I had hoped. I had really wanted you to forget those feelings. And for a really long time I thought you did move away from that and believing that the feelings you had for me were put to rest. Like I said, that is what I wanted for you. I didn’t want you to be burdened by missing me. For a really long time, I just felt like poison; like I was no good. I also had zero desire for a committed relationship, just thinking about commitment in that way felt claustrophobic; like a trap.

Earlier this year, on January 6th, I met with a psychic medium. I went in to see her for a soul blueprint reading. I got a lot of confirmations. Getting those confirmations brings me comfort. However, I realize how I still doubt myself and my abilities; that is a constant work in progress. Back in 2021, when I was first experiencing all of these downloads and knowings about our souls’ histories, my intuition highlighted how our souls have been visiting Earth since before patriarchy. And every time my soul comes back, she remembers (on a subconscious level) the balance and harmony and freedom in existing as a human being in the world in the Before times; and since patriarchy has been a thing, she always tries to help to get back to balance. My initial intuitive knowing was that in all of the lives where I was murdered, your soul in all of those lives, always tries to stop it, but in those lives, you get overpowered by others and then a lot of violence and gore. And then I die. And then you are never okay after that. I felt relieved that the psychic highlighted that in all of those lives, you try to save me. I was afraid that I was wrong. I wondered if maybe in those past lives, you were unwittingly, partly responsible for the deaths. Like being dismissive or minimizing or manipulative or whatever else. I was afraid that my initial intuitive knowing was wrong.

One thing from that reading that I spend quite a bit of time thinking about, is this specific past life we had together. I’m pretty sure it was the most recent past life we had together before this current life. It was sometime either in the 1700’s or the early 1800’s, most likely in France. In this life I worked as a prostitute/madam in a brothel. In that underworld, I had social status. I lived my own life. I genuinely enjoyed my freedom and generally enjoyed the work even with the darkness that came with it. I was also addicted to absinthe. You, in this life, had more mainstream success and recognition. You tried to convince me to create a life with you but I refused. I was afraid of change. I was afraid of being judged by others. I had a lot of revulsion for my body. (I was a prostitute, so, a lot of health issues in that arena). I also struggled with this deep conviction of not being good enough. In this past life I believed, truly, you were so much better off without me. The BEST thing for you would be for me to not be in your life. That kind of feeling, that kind of conviction, that belief that you would be better off without me transferred from that life into this life. That’s a curious thing.

In case you are thinking I need therapy; I have a two hour appointment with a hypnotherapist on Feb. 5th. ;)

In this current life, I don’t know you. I have no idea if I would enjoy your company. But the memories from the past lives are on a whole different level. I worry about you. Sometimes I feel like I miss you, which sounds crazy, I know.

I don’t know what your experience has been. I know for me, overall, it's been intense and, at times, unnerving.

Do you want to talk? If you do, please text me. We can figure out a good time to chat. My cell is 777-777-7777.

Be safe.

Much Love,

Phoebe

And then I found out you had the child. It was a very big shock to me because for months I felt your energy around me. I was so convinced you were making arrangements to get a divorce. I felt your energy and it felt so lovely…at times. At other times it felt unnerving and claustrophobic; constricting. I was so confused. I wanted you so badly but it appeared that you were not thinking about me. Not when I saw the photos on Instagram. You appear to be a devoted husband and father. I felt confused and hurt. I also knew I had to let you go. Maybe I was making ALL of this up? Maybe I was schizophrenic??? Maybe I am just really fucking crazy!!!

Now I know I am definitely a Powerful Psychic. And at times, my Power pisses you off. It makes you feel Small, Unseen, Insignificant. That is NEVER my intention with you.

I have ALWAYS Loved you!!!

For so many years I was Numb.

The following is the final message I sent you before deleting that account.

Wanderer,

Just a few more thoughts. So, it turns out remembering stuff from past lives is confusing as fuck. I don’t know why I tapped into your energy in that September. But for some reason I did. For the past couple of years, these kinds of time looping/spiritual experiences have forced me to think about love and to meditate heavily on it. Before these experiences, I was very apathetic towards people who were chasing love. I thought of them as suckers, I looked down on that whole situation; I was arrogant. But now, I have a more holistic understanding and appreciation that has widened my frame of reference.

I was happy to discover that you and Ann created new life, a baby. I am relieved, very relieved. It has been a tortuous thought just thinking about you having unresolved feelings towards me from our teenage years and dragging that into adulthood. I don’t get off on believing that people are dreadfully living their lives in agony while secretly pining away for me. I’m too sensitive for that shit.

I hope fatherhood gives you the experiences and self knowledge that you are expecting and hopeful for.

When I met with that psychic/medium in January. In that reading, what she brought forward was you in this current life. What she communicated was that you still have feelings for me. I had a very strong feeling she was wrong. Which was why I sent you that message a month ago. That just didn’t feel right. When I was 18, I knew I was going to have a mountain of a mess to clean up from my upbringing and I knew I had to do it alone (mostly). It has been a winding journey to reclaim my sovereignty. I have always envisioned meeting someone who didn’t know of me from my adolescence. Those years were too bleak and dark.

If you or someone from your inner circle ever goes through a spiritual awakening, it might be helpful to know that it can be inconvenient and not for the faint of heart. Support is helpful. I am a person who knows herself very well and thoroughly; and these experiences have shoved to my limits. Someone who is easily influenced or manipulated, well, I imagine that would hell.

Yesterday I was doing this cord cutting chant for our souls. It goes like this, “I release you with a full heart, with love for the place you once held in my life. May you be happy in the life you have chosen. I now take back all the energy that has been taken from me or that I have given away and I return the energy that I still hold from you. May I be free from the ties that bind us. May all cords be cut, transmuted and dissolved. May all energy return to its original sender.” As I was doing this chant, I looked at the time and noticed it was 11:11. It is believed that seeing 11:11 is a reminder that we have a soul plan or destiny– a path laid out for us by the universe.

I am very happy that you and Ann get to experience raising a child together.

Be safe.

Much Love.

Phoebe

It is not my style to insert myself into anyone’s life. So please stop worrying. I will NEVER contact your fucking wife. That would not serve me well. It would not serve you well. It would not serve ANYONE well. So stop fucking worrying about that. If anyone is going to ruin your marriage; it’s gonna be you, my love. You will make your marriage implode. And you do not need any help from me. I would NEVER give you the satisfaction of that. Not Ever. It is YOUR Responsibility to SAVE Yourself; to LOVE Yourself. I know it’s not easy. That is why I am not holding my breath that you will be able to engage in this Deep, Soul Work. It is not for the Faint Of Heart.

I know, right now, you are drinking way too much. Please stop drinking alcohol. It makes things worse for you. It opens you up for more manipulation. Besides, your child needs you to be healthy, whole and present with them. They depend on you. They are so in need of your Guidance, Love, Nurturance, Understanding, Empathy. They need you to be Present. To Give Presence.

I know, now, before the Pandemic; you saw me perform at that bar. Hoping I would see you and we would connect and you would finally get to fuck me. But things did not work out that way. Things were not meant to be that way. Had we reconnected that night; you would have treated me like a whore and that would have hurt my feelings. You would have tried to force your will onto me and I would have fought back, like I always do. It would have been Disastrous. However, your Intuition about just how great it would feel to fuck me was spot on. Sex with me is a DEEPLY TRANSFORMATIVE EXPERIENCE. You got that right. Sex With Me Is Not For The Faint Of Heart.

I know you have no clue just how Powerful you are. You have So Much Power within you. I know you wanted to give me a ring for so long. Eventually that ring you wanted to give me came to me and it was a magickal moment for me upon receiving it. The ring is Beautiful. It represents so much. The Gold represents Abundance and Manifestation, Purity and Divinity, Illumination and Wisdom and Energy Amplification. The Dark Sapphire represents Wisdom, Truth, Spiritual Insight: Activates the throat and third eye chakras to Highlight Communication, Clarity and Focus. And the oval shape. Here is what Google AI says about this shape:

“The oval ring shape symbolizes eternity, new beginnings, fertility, and endless love, drawing from its egg-like (ovum) form and continuous curve that suggests unbroken bonds, wholeness, and growth. It combines the classic eternity of a circle with elongated elegance, representing harmonious, flowing energy, creativity, and a connection to nature and life’s cycles.”

It was your Subconscious and Higher Self that made sure I received this ring. I am so grateful for it!

Your Soul Remembers Who You Truly Are.

YOU ARE LOVE! YOU ARE LOVE!!! YOU ARE LOVE!!!!!

Is our Psychic Connection Forever??? Do we have this Connection because you have taken my life in so many other lifetimes? Our Connection wasn’t always so toxic, it became that way over time as patriarchy took hold of our Reality. We used to Love Each Other So Much! SO TRULY AND DEEPLY!!!

Our Love DID NOT Hurt.

It was Supportive, Regenerative, Electric Life Force Energy. But things got so Dark and Twisted and Violent. And now you’re Abusive. You will not hold yourself Accountable. You cannot even have a simple, straight-forward conversation about these things. You can’t even talk to me. Why is that, my love???

Your Mother. Mommy Dearest. Mommy Knows Best.

Except this is a Lie and Illusion. When will you see this??? Are you going to be her little boy Forever???

She does not have your best interest in mind. She wants you to reflect back to her what she projects onto you.

Look at all of the supposed “elders” in your immediate circle of people. Do any of them actually hold and share Wisdom? Or, are they overgrown, emotionally stunted children who refuse to look within themselves???

You and my adoptive father have so much more in common than you realize. Uncomfortably so. Sickenly so. I know I am not the only one you have intentionally mislead. Intentionally manipulated in order to get what you wanted to extract from us. It’s really fucking creepy.

Again, I am not holding my breath that you will be able to do the deep healing that you so need to do. Even if you do engage in this healing work. How could I ever Trust you? How could I ever feel Safe with you? How could I ever feel comfortable enough in your presence to be able to cum. To be able to experience a full-body Orgasam??? GasLighting and manipulation will always set off the nervous system in a dysregulated way. I AM unwilling to sacrifice myself for anyone, EVER.

You have Hedonistic tendencies. I too have those.

Sun.

You have Deep Mommy Issues. I too have those.

Moon.

At Soul Level You Are The Philosopher, The Teacher, The Explorer. I too carry that Energy.

Ascendent.

You and Me Are So Much More Alike Than Not. We Have So Much More In Common Than You Realize.

TAKE YOUR POWER BACK.

YOU ARE LOVE. YOU ARE LOVE!!! YOU ARE LOVE!!!!!

Looking For The Answer…..Lllyric?

Fault Lines…..Fyfe

You Will See…..Quarterhead, SESA

go steady…..TENDER

Lovers From The Past…..Mareux

Paradise…..Henry Morris

touchin’ me…..Chandler Leighton

love is a knife…..Artemas

Muse…..SOFIA ISELLA

#1 Crush…..Garbage

Dream Girl Evil…..Florance + The Machine

Sex Concept…..SOFIA ISELLA

So Romantic…..Henry Morris

I Can Be Your Mother…..SOFIA ISELLA

Goddess…..Hatchrr, Deathrose

Another Life…..Jadu Heart

Church Bells…..Henry Morris

Dirty Magazine…..Henry Morris

BlackBlueCoffee 12/2/25 BlackBlueCoffee 12/2/25

space time love travel

I Love You to the Moon and Back and Beyond ; Forever.

Pull Me In…..Labrinth

BlackBlueCoffee 11/2/25 BlackBlueCoffee 11/2/25

space time love travel

I Love You to the Moon and Back and Beyond ; Forever.

Pull Me In…..Labrinth

BlackBlueCoffee 10/4/25 BlackBlueCoffee 10/4/25

thoughts matter

Disclaimer

For a really long time I believed I was defective. For a really long time I was surrounded by people who wanted to use me all up. Use my body, use my energy, use my intellect for their benefit.

When we grow up having our boundaries crossed, we become conditioned that it is love. That is NOT love, it is control and dominance.

When I was a teenager and home alone I could actually breathe fully. There were many times when I would be in the kitchen or living room and felt content and calm.

Just chill.

And then my adoptive mom would appear and my body would immediately switch to hypervigilance. She would be critical about something, making a demand. My body would tense and I went straight into People-Pleasing mode. It was so automatic.

It has taken me a very long time to understand that I was emotionally abused by my adoptive parents. Since they never physically abused me and since I have an extensive history with being physically abused; the emotional abuse was far more difficult to detect.

Also, since I am an Empath I have always been able to feel the emotions and thoughts of other people. Growing up and all throughout my 20’s I did not understand that I was literally feeling other people’s emotions in my body. I just told myself that I was really fucking crazy and avoided people generally. I was a loner.

My adoptive mom was not aware of how to regulate her own emotions. She was also not aware when she engaged in cognitive distortions. She is a person who is riddled with a lot of fear based thoughts. A very Unconscious person.

Every criticism she engaged in. Every fear based thought that crossed her mind, I was tuned into when I was in her presence. Since I absorbed everything around me at that time, I took every judgement from her very personally. It validated to me that I was Unlovable. Which flooded me with fear. Which fed into my People-Pleasing tendencies.

I struggled with this vicious cycle for years. What helped to break that cycle was slowly learning more about neuroplasticity and the latest science on emotions and being a highly sensitive person.

Now I understand that I am an Empath. Now I understand the life saving value of strengthening my energetic boundaries.

When people do not understand that they are an Empath and have mirror touch synesthesia, which is feeling the emotions and sensations of other people, they are going to be manipulated. What they do not understand is how vulnerable they are to other people’s thoughts and wants; they are easy prey to become a Slave. A Slave to other people’s desires. They will do things that, initially, they believe they wanted but that is an illusion. They do things that other people want them to do.

Again, when we are not taught to honor our own boundaries and when we have no idea just how tapped in we are to other people’s emotions and thoughts; we do things that do NOT come from us. We get manipulated so easily.

Just when you thought life couldn’t be anymore complicated.

Another way to think about the brain is to think of it as an antenna. We don’t just create thoughts with our brain, we receive thoughts from other people. Our thoughts matter. Our thoughts matter so much more than we have been led to believe.

Since I am an Empath, I have absorbed so much stress and toxic thoughts from other people for many years. I didn’t realize absorbing thoughts and beliefs from other people was even possible, it never even crossed my mind as a possibility. I just thought I was really fucking crazy. Except when I was alone. When I was alone I actually felt calm.

Unknowingly absorbing so much information that did NOT come from me, it came TO me was so confusing. If I hadn’t been a loner, I would have experienced far more manipulation than I did.

While my practices of cultivating compassion and empathy are important to me, having firm and healthy boundaries and limits expressing and giving compassion and empathy to others is JUST as Vital as the practice itself.

It is a mistake to equate empathy with weakness.

Considering how most people are not aware of their personal power. And considering we live in a fucked up patriarchal world where there is a huge power gap between men and women.

Considering how boys and men are taught entitlement around sex.

Considering how girls and women struggle to have autonomy of their body.

Considering how men are not held accountable for their bullshit behaviors.

Considering how out of touch most people are with their emotions and instincts.

Considering that men will think whatever they want because they believe since it is only in their heads that means their thoughts are somehow not real.

Except thoughts are very real AND impact the physical world. Thoughts impact other people.

Energetic Rape Is Real.

In our fucked up patriarchal culture many people deny the reality that many boys and men also experience rape. They are expected to swallow that Truth whole. The violence feeds into silence and the silence feeds into the violence and on and on it goes.

Thoughts Matter.

So many people have bought into the belief that dangerous people are somehow outside of their homes and communities. No matter how good of a person you believe yourself to be; you are someone’s worst nightmare.

The more we attempt to suppress and to bypass our shadows; the more Distortion leaks out and harms ourselves and others.

May the Children be safe in their beds tonight.

Music

Something In The Way…..Nirvana

Talk Show Host…..Radiohead

Closer…..Nine Inch Nails

beetlejuice chill…..Life After Youth

Looking For The Answer…..Lllyric?

Daddy Loves You…..Dana Dentata

Daddy…..Korn

Love You to Death…..Type O Negative

Like a Stone…..Audioslave

Patience…..Chris Cornell
You Know You’re Right…..Nirvana

BlackBlueCoffee 9/28/25 BlackBlueCoffee 9/28/25

Strengthening Discernment

Disclaimer

Being a Child of Lilith and a Magdalene. Remembering to understand what I have forgotten feels like such a fucking maze.

However, I am still grateful to be on this path. I have gotten to experience such amazing Magick and I want MORE. I want MORE Expansion, Growth and Power.

I am destined to live out my Soul’s Purpose, to deepen my Divine Power. Since I am a Child of Lilith and a Magdalene High Priestess I expect challenges. Great Power is never simply given; it is Honed and Practiced and Cultivated.

For the past few years I have been trapped in a warped Energetic Entanglement with Wanderer. Today I was given guidance. What came through was Truth that is Ugly, Twisted, and Sad.

Patriarchy has done such a great job of distorting relationships. The concept of having Power Over Another runs so deeply in our Toxic Culture. It has become so Automatic. Most people are Blinded to this Truth.

Many, many lifetimes ago, our Souls made a promise to each other. I had bought into the Promise of Love. He withheld Truth. He wanted Power Over Me. He wanted to Control me. He wanted to Possess me.

The Twisted Intimacy and the Power that Combusts when one takes the life of another…I am not sure if I have the right words to describe that kind of connection.

To put it simply; it is Disturbing.

That is NOT the kind of connection I crave, demand and expect in THIS lifetime.

He struggles to see the Beauty WITHIN Him. He Struggles so Deeply with this.

From this lifetime. I remember when he was a child. When we were both children. I remember thinking, “He has so much Beauty all around him. He is SO Beautiful!”. I wanted to Protect him. I wished for so much Love to come his way because he deserves it. He has Forgotten that He is Love, too. He is Love.

He is Love.

He has Forgotten this. And it looks like he will NEVER remember this. This hurts my Heart So Much.

Throughout the years, I would check in on him via social media.

Still so Beautiful…at least on the Outside………

I continued to wish him well. I was hopeful he was experiencing so much love and admiration and connection. Because he deserves it. We are all deserving of Love and Connection.

So many men struggle to see the Beauty Within Them. Since they cannot acknowledge their own Beauty and Divine Creativity, unconsciously what they do is siphon energy from the women in their lives. Most of them do not know they do this. For many women, this is a contributing factor to developing autoimmune disorders and other chronic illnesses.

Did I really think I would make it to the age of 40 without some Entitled Asshole trying to Trap me?

Yes.

I really did think that.

These past several years have crumbled my ego. For years I looked down on people who were pursuing love (or what they believed to be love anyway) and I would judge them. Condemn them, “These dumb Bitches. Why don’t they ever learn?”.

True Love really does come from Within.

For much of this life I have poured so much energy into being as Boring and as Uninteresting as possible. And It Did Not Work. I see the Error in this.

Now.

I am pouring ALL of my Energy into my Sovereignty.

Into my FREEDOM.

I want someone new. I want someone else.

I do NOT want this person. Not ever.

The Distorted Connection between us spans across Space and Time and it goes so deep. I cannot envision Repair between us.

I can only ever envision spilt blood between us.

I deserve the Freedom and Space to Create the life that feels the most Authentic and True to me. I deserve True Love.

And so I will continue to strengthen ALL of my Boundaries and Protect my fucking Energy.

There is so much more to this World than meets the naked eye.

May Peace Be With You.

Much Love.

Music

Gemini Feed…..BANKS

Waiting Game…..BANKS

Doll Parts…..Hole

Everybody Scream…..Florence + The Machine
One of the Greats…..Florence + The Machine

BlackBlueCoffee 9/6/25 BlackBlueCoffee 9/6/25

npc mode

Disclaimer

We all live in a culture where gaslighting and exploitation are normalized ways of interacting with other people. That is why it can be so difficult to spot, these become automatic responses. We have been rewarded to exert power over others and/or to submit depending on the circumstances. This is a Dehumanizing Process.

In the time I have worked in addiction counseling, I have noticed some interesting themes.

The ways boys and men are expected and conditioned to appear unfazed and stoic by life, boggles my fucking mind. When it comes to emotions, most men are allowed to express 3 emotions which are Anger, Lust and Greed. This is a Disability. Humans are so complex by nature and to deny anyone full access to their Emotions is to cut out an important part of being human. Emotions are information. Emotions help to build the foundation for which to build Self-Trust and Intuition. When people cannot fully access ALL of their emotions they will experience Confusion which will lead to soaking in a Fearful Headspace. The more Fear we experience, we will get stuck in cycles of thinking and behaviors that keep us stuck in situations we don’t really want to be in.

Consider Interoception which is Internal Body Awareness that allows people to have an Intuitive map of Emotional States that makes Emotions FEEL Embodied rather than Purely Intellectual.

We are built to FEEL our Emotions. When we lose this ability, we lose access to our gut feelings (aka Intuition). When we cannot tap into our Intuition we will get caught up in cycles of Exploitation and Abuse.

While it appears that girls and women are granted more freedom in Emotional Expression, this is an Illusion. It is expected for women to play nice and to suppress Emotions like Rage and other intense Feeling States. The Anger for most women goes Inward, like a Virus. In this way women are not granted full access to their Emotions and they too, get a Vital survival skill cut out from them. This is why a lot of women are really fucking mean. Whatever we attempt to Suppress within ourselves, it will leak out in Distorted ways. So while it appears women have more Freedom for Emotional Expression; this is not True. Many girls and women live with the expectation to express Empathy because of the stereotypes that women are naturally more nurturing than men. But since women are denied full access to their Emotions too, what a lot of women get REALLY good at is Fake Empathy. They get really good at expressing their “concern” when it’s really a Tool of Manipulation.

Of course women do this. They learn to do this to survive in a culture that wants to make them as Small and Powerless as possible. This is an attempt to have some kind of Power in their life. This is an attempt at Survival.

The term NPC which stands for Non-Player Character. I really like the following definition of this term by Google, “In spiritual contexts, ‘NPC’ refers to a person perceived as lacking consciousness, depth, and independent thought, similar to a video game non-player character. This ‘NPC spiritual meaning’ describes individuals who are seen as unreflective, robotic, and merely following predetermined scripts or societal norms, often without engaging in self-awareness, spiritual awakening, or personal growth. The term is also sometimes used to describe a person who is spiritually ‘asleep’ or unable to perceive higher consciousness, or a soul that has chosen a less active state of consciousness for a specific life purpose.”

Most of us are conditioned to be NPC’s. When we begin to ask questions and allow ourselves to follow our Curiosity, this behavior will help us to disentangle from the Mainstream Cultural Matrix.

If you are reading this, you are being Initiated. You are exactly where you are meant to be, keep asking questions, keep learning. Keep Going!!! Much Love.

Music:

i always kinda knew you’d be the death of me…..Artemas

Cigarette Stub…..Asal

Darkness Saves…..ghostbells

BlackBlueCoffee 9/3/25 BlackBlueCoffee 9/3/25

safe

I Am Safe to Feel.

You Got This. :)

Much Love.

BlackBlueCoffee 9/1/25 BlackBlueCoffee 9/1/25

porn

Disclaimer

Soooooo. Sexuality is confusing. Especially in this culture where there are many confusing messages about sharing space with another person, body shaming, blurry boundaries (or no mention of what boundaries are altogether); this list goes on for ages.

I was exposed to porn at a very young age. It was confusing. Having experienced sexual abuse throughout my childhood, I struggled to exist in my body; I focused my existence in my head instead. And as a teenager who struggled to feel safe in her own body, who hated her body, who would fantasize disfiguring her body as a way to claim some kind of Sovereignty…when it came to gaining any kind of attention for my body (via the Male Gaze), I was flooded with a lot of mixed messages and feelings. The feeling that was the most prominent was RAGE. Even though a lot of people considered me to not be very smart, I was very aware of the expectation for girls and women to stay silent when boys and men behaved badly. I was very aware of the victim shaming that happens; that is expected. Which was why I spent so much of my energy scanning my environment to make sure I wasn't in the company of any predators and if I was in their company, I stayed as far away as possible. In an intuitive way, I was tuned into the fact that for a lot of children who experience sexual abuse, they also tend to experience that kind of abuse as teens and adults; it becomes a cycle. It is almost as if they become magnets for predators. I had the mentality of, “Any attention is bad attention”. Since I was so very traumatized by my past, dating as a teen was very stressful, because on one hand I wanted to be attractive and likable and on the other hand my Inner Lilith was like, “Who gives a Fuck?”. Two very intensely opposing emotional experiences. One thing about me, is even though I have struggled intensely with self-worth, I have always been able to tap into my Self-Assurance. I didn’t compare myself with other people. I didn’t care who was dating who. Or who was getting the most attention. I have always had the wisdom to know that I am living life on my own terms.

When I was 18, I began a masturbation practice. I intentionally waited until I was 18. Until I was a legal adult. I gave myself that timeline because I wanted to attempt to give myself some kind of a lopsided childhood and to procrastinate dealing with how I defined and explored my own sexuality. So, for years my masturbation practice was centered on being present in my body and focused on the sensations. At the time, I was not aware of just how healthy it is to cultivate a practice like this. I just really enjoyed orgasms and I liked how a lot of people assume that women don’t enjoy orgasms; I felt Deviant. And I liked it.

I approached sex in a very serious way. The goal with the sex I engaged in with my partners was centered on my choice. It was important for me to collaborate in those relationships and to not be just passive. I was also very detached. My heart was frozen. I was aware that sex was not a loving activity for me. It was a means to an end.

I think I was in my mid-twenties when I discovered the works of Erika Lust. She is a feminist pornographer. The kind of porn she films is centered on Female Pleasure. My kinda porn. Before watching the porn on her website, I avoided mainstream porn. I didn’t like it. It felt constricting. Cold. Dehumanizing. It just reminded me of the stuff I was exposed to when I was a child. But this feminist porn was different. The fact that the women were actually Cumming made quite the impression. The kind of videos I would watch were really romantic with A LOT of eye gazing. This porn did not reflect the kind of sex I had. The kind of sex I had was fucking. The kind of sex I had was surface and superficial because I wanted it that way. It felt safer for me at that time.

What I know for sure, is that me having a very consistent Pleasure Practice helped me to feel safer in my body. Over time, I felt less afraid of being around other people. This was a major tool in helping myself heal from trauma. Not the only tool but a major one. Also, watching other women experience pleasure from their male partners helped me to thaw my frozen, black, broken heart. Over time, the thought of having loving, connected sex didn’t feel like such a Threat.

In 2022 I received an energetic download. What I saw was someone from my past. He was saying, “I love you I love you I love you”, over and over again. And he was touching himself. And I felt this intense Orgasmic Energy explode all throughout my body. It was Intoxicating. Never had an experience like that before. Then I felt sad for him. Because now I knew that he still thinks about me like that. I had convinced myself that he didn’t think about me. That he had forgotten about me. But that wasn’t True.

I couldn’t stop thinking about that Intoxicating Feeling. What a rush. It felt so good. One evening I was alone in bed thinking about that feeling. And I wanted to experience that feeling again. I touched myself and when I came I experienced a very intense, full-body orgasm with ease. It became addicting. It definitely spiced up my own Pleasure Practice. This became a consistent habit very quickly; me thinking about him as I touched myself and came. Then a few months down the line, I decided I wanted to stop thinking about him like that. We weren’t in a relationship and I started to feel weird thinking about him like that. I tried to stop but couldn’t. I tried and I tried and I tried. It got very frustrating for me that I could not not think about him. In an attempt to escape this, I started watching a lot more porn in an attempt to get him out of my head. I couldn’t watch the feminist porn because he was there, in my head. I was getting frantic. I felt very constrained. And frustrated. I wanted to stop thinking about this person but I just couldn’t. That is when I started watching more mainstream porn. It was an attempt to get him out of my head. Since I struggled to stop thinking about him, my Practice became less consistent. It went from every day to once or twice a week. It was so frustrating. I felt agonized about this. And guilty. When I watched the more mainstream porn, it was a hit or miss situation if he would pop into my consciousness or not. I wanted to stop thinking about this person but I just could not stop. I felt trapped. Over time, I watched more and more porn and over time it felt more and more like a compulsion. Not something I can entirely control. Very uncomfortable.

Recently I have begun participating in a program created by Taylor Perkins. He is on Instagram as iamtaylorperkins. His program is called Quantum Rite of Passage: Fragmented to Sovereign.

The way he views porn addiction is as an Initiation. I agree.

One journal prompt that is offered is:

Why am I here? What power do I know is waiting for me?

My response:

I am here to step more into my Sovereignty. I know more of my Creative, Alchemical Power is waiting for me.

Tropico…..Lana Del Rey (Explicit Short Film–youtube)

Gods and Monsters…..Lana Del Rey

Cinnamon Girl…..Lana Del Rey

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Conception

Disclaimer

I am thinking of a word: Conception.

According to Oxford Languages this word has two meanings.

The action of conceiving a child or a child being conceived.
The forming or devising of a plan or idea.

The root action of this word is to Create. To bring forth. As humans, we are Creator Beings. This is what we are meant to do. This is how we exist naturally. But too many of us get pulled away from our Divine Creative Power. Fear is what pulls us away. Disconnection is what pulls us away. The headspace of Exploitation and to gain Power Over Another disconnects us from our Internal, Abundant resources.

I feel I am on the edge. There is a specific chapter in my life that is closing. Naturally the process of release is required. That’s okay. That is to be expected with leaning into the Unknown with Curiosity and Wonder.

I am Grateful to Explore what will unfold naturally and With Ease.

Much Love.

Music:

Radio…..Lana Del Rey

Dark Paradise…..Lana Del Rey

Off To The Races…..Lana Del Rey

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song as reminder

Just Breathe.

Connect with your Breathing.

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a quick lift of spirit

A quick, straightforward way to raise one’s vibration and enhance protection is to have an orgasm. Before and during the peak of pleasure, visualize an orb of White Light around you.

Another way to raise vibration is to laugh. Find sources of Joy even through a challenging moment. Highs and lows of vibration are expected; Practice is Progress. :) You Got This.

Much Love.

Music

eat me alive…..Artemas

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haiku

“Still in bed at noon

Everyday is Saturday

When you are a whore”——From the Great and Gifted Asa Akira

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What is love?

Love is Patient.

Love is Kind.

Love is Freely Given.

YOU ARE LOVE!!!

If you are reading this; you are undergoing the Initiation. Lean into your Curiosity. Lean into Patience. Drink Water. Ground into the Earth. Your Answers are already Inside of your Beautiful Heart. Keep Going. You Got This, My Love.