BlackBlueCoffee 4/11/26 BlackBlueCoffee 4/11/26

shedding and rebirth part 2

Disclaimer

The information on this blog is not intended as a substitute for professional medical and/or mental health advice, diagnosis, or treatment. This blog is intended for informational purposes only. Any health concern must be assessed by a doctor or another licensed and/or certified clinician.

FuckFuckFuck!

I was feeling so much Fucking Rage. And I did my best to suppress it. I just felt too busy to think too much about it. All my life it's been go-go-go. And that is what I kept doing. Always feeling pressure to show up and figure it out as fast as possible.

I had known I had outgrown my career as an addictions counselor for many months by the time December came around. It has been a struggle to manage fatigue, chronic pain, Intuitive hits, figuring out the deal about Wanderer (just another god damn trap) and life in general; I knew how trapped I felt at work. I was just so fucking busy trying to survive. I struggled with showing up. Some days my body just wanted me to bolt from the building and it takes so much will for me to complete the work day.

Days leading up to Christmas were difficult. On December 23rd I did my usual Boundaries group therapy session. Except on this particular day I accidentally forgot the group guidelines. The group guidelines are reminders of what is expected in terms of respectful and safe behavior. Plus, when I began handing out the materials I was noting how many new people were in this group. Realizing I had forgotten the group guidelines, I tried my best to keep going.

“Okay, so I’m handing out an overview of different types of boundaries from therapistaid.com”.

“Who are you?”, I heard a male patient say. I felt the hostility radiating from him. I wasn’t a fan of the way he was looking at me.

“Ah, yes. My name is Phoebe. I facilitate this group. I’ve been working here for over a year. And my areas of expertise are sexuality in recovery and relationships. Who are you?”. I was aware my tone was aggressive and on the defense but I struggled to catch myself. I was feeling into this man’s energy and it was awful and abusive; likely this person gets off on hurting others. I always struggle working with people who feel perfectly justified by harming others. It really pisses me off. This group session did not go well. I had intended to email the director of operations (my supervisor was on vacation) about how that group session went but felt pressured to go to the next thing. I always feel pressure to work quickly.

As I got further into the month of December, I felt all used up; depleted and resentful. I fucking hated everything and everyone. I hated this job. I hated how trapped and stuck I felt. I hated that I had to end so many relationships because I had so many people around me who wanted to use and abuse me to their benefit. I wanted to pull an Eleven and make everyone go away (Stranger Things reference).

In January I received an email. This email informed me of an investigation that was being conducted about my professional conduct.

Fuck! Am I going to get fired??? Even though I felt frustrated with my career I didn’t want my counseling career to end like this.

I went to the investigatory meeting. There was a union representative there for my benefit. The meeting started out with my supervisor communicating the complaints that came from a couple of patients from December. It was uncomfortable. I felt embarrassed. Towards the end of the meeting I shared I had written a statement with my perspective with how things unfolded in a couple of group therapy sessions from December.

“Will you please give us a moment?”, the union representative asked. My supervisor, the operations director and the head of human resources stepped out.

“It is advised for people in this situation to not give more information than necessary,” she said warmly.

“I understand. I still want to share what I wrote”.

The meeting resumed. I shared my statement.

My Statement

“On 12/23 for the Boundaries group I had forgotten the group guidelines for this group which was unfortunate timing considering there were multiple new patients in this group who had no reference in how I typically facilitate groups. As I was explaining the check-in prompt, Ben directly asked me who I was. The way I perceived Ben’s question was contemptuous and I immediately felt defensive. I introduced myself while feeling annoyed with myself having forgotten the group guidelines as I was scanning the room and noting so many new people. This made me feel very nervous. At some point I heard Ben say, “I want a new counselor” out loud which increased my anxiety. I continued with the group, trying to mask the anxiety I was feeling. I handed out an overview of boundary types from therapistaid.com. At some point I heard a patient tell me directly that I was, “making this stuff up”, I responded, “I am not making this stuff up” and moved on. I felt very nervous and accidentally disclosed some personal information about myself that I had no intention sharing. It was a moment of verbal vomit that felt humiliating. I was relieved when the group finally ended. I had meant to check in with management about this group, however, I felt very stressed about completing my tasks and got caught up in hypervigilance as I finished that work day. This was also a 3-day work week for me so I felt extra pressure to work quickly. Also, the handout from therapistaid.com; my intention with giving this handout was to be helpful. I realize as people go through the curriculum, some people may get flooded with the information. Also, many people are consistently coming and going from that group. My thinking with this handout is that it could be a helpful frame of reference that describes different boundaries in a succinct way; short and to the point.

When I was a newer counselor here, about a couple of months after I began working here I had a tense experience in a group which inspired me to put together a packet of group guidelines which also highlighted gas lighting as emotional abuse, qualities of healthy relationships and core beliefs and how core beliefs operate in the subconscious mind; all with the intention of building up a frame of reference for these concepts since awareness of these experiences is foundational in recovery. After implementing these group guidelines, the groups I facilitated going forward were typically more structured, calmer and cohesive.

The supervision that happened in January. When Maria brought forward the grievances from December 23rd. I was immediately flooded with shame. Professionalism is one of my core values as a counselor and being reminded I had forgotten about seeking supervision on the 23rd filled me with shame. I had intended to connect with management at some point about that group but I kept forgetting. I had wanted to try to catch her while she was in her office; what I should have done was send her an email about wanting to talk about what happened in the group.

Getting the notice for this meeting forced me to think about the events that led up to this. What I have realized is that I have a lot of work related trauma that I haven’t dealt with as well as some personal issues that I need to deal with. I am currently actively looking for a therapist to support me in this. Ultimately, I have been attempting to force myself to push through burn out which hasn’t been effective. And lately I have been my own worst enemy. All of this has only turned up the volume on the chronic pain and fatigue I have to manage.

Upon taking some time for reflection, what I have realized in more depth is a core belief that comes up from time to time. Which is, “I am all alone” paired with the pressure to work quickly; I have made some mistakes. And since this core belief is sneaky, it has taken me a while to pin point it, again.

I would appreciate some guidance on how to best make amendments to the patients I have offended. I would really like to apologize and take accountability for the harm I have caused.

My plan of action on improving performance:

Using the group guidelines from the outpatient handbook at the beginning of every group.
Implementing a reminder on the calender to review/follow-up/sign supervision note.
Go to therapy.

A note about curriculum:

Considering the widespread use of social media and AI and how that can impact a person’s ability to think critically paired with addiction issues; what I have found to be helpful for some patients I have worked with in the past are sources such as therapistaid.com and heartmath.org. Offering these as resources has the potential to help empower people to seek their own answers when they are not at treatment. I also reference the work of Dr. Gabor Mate when it is relevant to the group discussion all in the hopes of planting seeds.

Overall, I know I can do better. I want to do better.”

“Thank you. We figured this was your perspective. We appreciate your statement”, my supervisor stated.

The meeting ended.

That whole experience was stressful. Generally speaking I prefer to slip under the radar, especially at work. I also pride myself with embodying professional conduct. This whole experience was a wake up call for me. I began looking for a therapist immediately.

January 24th:

I watched an episode of Next Level Soul podcast with Matias De Stefano. Matias remembers ALL of his past lives. As someone who has had to cope with past life memories and has been left wondering, what the FUCK is the point of remembering stuff from past lives; I needed to watch his episode. I took notes. The following is what Matias shared from a conversation he had with his guides about remembering past lives that he shared in this episode:

“Because you remember the pyramid through the love that you felt, but the people that were there learning with you; what the pyramid was, because nobody remembers things just because of information. You remember things because you FEEL things. So you need to remember the emotion of those people or those situations you were in, in order to access the information that you knew in that moment”.

Emotions are information.

You remember things because you FEEL things. So you need to remember the emotion of those people or those situations you were in, in order to access the information that you knew in that moment.

Listening to him share this perspective was helpful for me. I have felt resentful of having past life memories because this life has been traumatic enough. This life is hard enough, then I get EXTRA work?! Watching that episode helped me to feel less alone with more perspective. And there is a purpose to recalling past life memories, there is a point.

By early February I found a therapist who specializes in EMDR which stands for Eye Movement Desensitization Reprocessing therapy. In my mid-20’s I was diagnosed with PTSD by a mental health therapist I saw for a time. As someone who has gone through the foster care system, only the naive would be surprised that I would have this diagnosis. Although I do believe that the majority of “mental issues” is due to a hypervigilant nervous system along with other factors like engaging in tumultuous, abusive relationships and being unable to break fear based cycles of belief.

February 14th: I went to a dungeon for an introductory workshop into BDSM. One of the aspects of kink and BDSM that I really appreciate is making NO ASSUMPTIONS. Explicit communication is key which requires all participants to relate to each other as equals. As a teen I realized that it was up to me to develop the communication skills I needed in order to fully participate in sex. I didn’t want to wind up raped again. And I did not want to wind up being a creepy, exploitative adult. No thanks. Pass. Whatever we suppress leaks out in distorted ways. Whatever we don’t deal with leaks out in distorted ways. Princessa Natasha Strange led the workshop. It was fun! I bought her book, Kink For The Curious: A BDSM Activity Book For Beginners; I devoured that book. I appreciate how she shares her experience and wisdom in that book. Attending that workshop helped me to fully accept my FemDom qualities. I also observed how comfortable I felt in a professional dungeon. This wasn’t the first dungeon I’ve been to; I did notice that being in this space felt good. It was noteworthy. Mundane, everyday life can get so fucking boring. One of the greatest things about kink and BDSM is the playful aspect that is a part of it. I truly believe if adults stayed in touch with playfulness, the world would be a kinder and more creative and abundant place. When it comes to BDSM, it’s basically adult playtime.

As a woman and the fact that I insist on Mutual Pleasure in the kind of sex I experience, communicating my needs, limits and preferences; knowing how I approach sex isn’t considered to be normative. I am considered not normative because I want to fully participate in the sex I experience. I am considered queer because I have insisted on building up my frame of reference and NOT being passive, meek or docile when it comes to my sexuality. That’s fine; I do not mind being queer. More orgasams for me!

It’s so bittersweet. I have changed and reclaimed parts of myself over the last several years and if it hadn't been for Wanderer, that wouldn’t have happened. What is also true is he is really fucked up in the head. Not a safe person. I know a lot about Wanderer. There are many things about him I wished I didn’t know. It is what it is.

For years he gave me gifts I didn’t know were from him. When we were teenagers, I knew he would get older and go to college and meet other people who are like him. Having gone through the foster care system, I was naturally tuned into the people who merely tolerated me out of being polite and “politically correct”. The second people found out a little bit about my past, it made them uncomfortable and judgy. Having the ability of being able to feel into strained bullshit helped me to filter out a lot of people. There are a lot of people I am not compatible with and that has been okay with me. I didn’t waste time crying into my beer when I realized certain people didn’t like me, I was too busy living my life. So, Wanderer kept giving me gifts for years. My parents gave me the gifts on his behalf.

Then 2021 happened. My dad gave me that cocktail mixer. Wanderer’s intentions/wishes for my attention were all over and inside that bottle. I used that mixer to make a few drinks. When I saw where it was made and knew Wanderer lived pretty close to that city, I stopped using the mixer, I got a weird feeling. Which is fortunate for me because Wanderer had bewitched that mixer.

Both of us had forgotten about our Magickal gifts. I remember more about my abilities now and will forever be on the path of my Higher Self. Wanderer still doesn’t believe, yet. He is still too busy burying his head in the sand. He doesn’t understand that he is very psychic. Intention matters. Thoughts matter. And when he held that bottle while wishing I would look at him, speak to him, acknowledge him; he charged that bottle with his wishes. And it worked. What I wish he understood is when he gave my dad that bottle with his wishes infused; that is the metaphysical equivalent of putting rape drugs into another person’s drink.He believes himself to be such a “nice” guy.

After receiving that “gift” from my dad/Wanderer, I got an intense intuitive hit about Wanderer and that was the flood gate that opened for me that will never close. That bottle wound up being my catalyst for reclaiming my Authenticity. Very bittersweet for me.

Fall of 2021 was a very confusing time for me. I felt Wanderer’s energy all around me. At times his energy felt amazing and at other times his energy felt demanding and constraining. I was being told that Wanderer was “happily” married but I felt his energy everyday. ConfusingConfusingConfusing.

And since I live my life leading with curiosity, what once confused me, no longer poses questions in my mind. I know what I know because I trust in my Intuition and in my ability to learn and integrate new information about the world and how this universe functions. I am unwilling to stay stunted in my perspective because of fear.

If Wanderer were to go to a professional astrologer for a synastry reading comparing my and The Child’s birth charts, Wanderer would learn that energetically, I am also the mother of The Child. Every time he was inside his wife and thought about me…that had consequences and impact.

In 2019, Wanderer, still hopeful, went to a burlesque showcase I performed in. He went with his brother and sister in law. I wasn’t wearing my glasses. I didn’t even see him. Full of his own assumptions, he assumed I rejected him. I didn’t even see him.

I don’t think it was long after that that his then girlfriend who he later married became ill with a chronic illness. He doesn’t understand how he impacts people.

Wanderer and his wife struggled with infertility for a few years.

In 2021, I received the bewitched bottle. I couldn’t stop thinking about him. It was fervent. I often felt Wanderer’s energy around me for years. Then I found out The Child was born. The second I saw the photo of The Child, my crown chakra tingled, it was activated. My energy immediately recognized The Child even though it took my conscious mind a little longer to catch up.

Wanderer is such a sad person.

I wonder if he has figured it out yet. That his mother would never approve of us being together. She never wanted us to be together in the first place. The fact that he is attracted to my body is a direct insult to her ego and her own unresolved mommy issues. He is very receptive to his mother’s controlling tactics.

I remember when he was a little boy. A Heart Full Of Love. He isn’t that little boy anymore.

I am no man’s moral center. Fuck no.

If Wanderer were to go to a professional astrologer and get a synastry reading with my and his birth charts he would discover there is a lot of red and tension. To me this represents the blood that has been split between us over many lifetimes.

All he is to me is another lesson. Another person to overcome. Just another person who wanted me to be trapped, stuck, small, meek, docile. I will take my lessons and move the fuck on. Keep moving. Keep GROWING and EXPANDING. So many people have inspired me to be NOTHING like them.

If only he knew. If only he knew about the kind of hell I had to tolerate as a child. Would he still accuse me of being a Spoiled Bitch??? If he knew how my siblings' father would throw darts at my baby photo for fun. How terrified I grew up of that man who lacked so much empathy. He was consumed by his own pain; there was no room for anyone else.

If only he knew about the Fear and Depravation and Poverty and Hatred I grew up around. How all of those experiences fed into my low self-worth. If only he knew. Then again, maybe he does know. Just Apathetic. Wouldn’t surprise me.

It may be his karma and dharma to be a shitty father; like he’s been a shitty husband and a shitty boyfriend before that. He may be the Obstacle that people need to Overcome. Maybe that’s his purpose??? Maybe he is meant to suck at relationships? Like my adoptive dad.

He doesn’t need to deceive people to make them like him. He simply doesn’t see his own Beauty. So much Pain.

Wanderer and I are very similar, far more similar than he realizes. Wanderer and I are also very different. I value Authenticity and Freedom; I have a long track record that backs this up. He values Manipulation, Gaslighting, Dismissal and Controlling Others; he has a long track record that backs that up. He doesn’t understand how he is used as a tool.

Hurt people hurt people. Until they learn to Integrate their Shadow. For someone who is as intelligent as Wanderer is, he is incredibly short-sighted.

All of the wealthy and “powerful” men in the world who have created so much wreckage, pain and suffering. Who lean into Fear and Intimidation; Chaos and Control. Because they, themselves, are Disconnected. They FEEL Unloved and Empty. THEY cannot self-soothe; nurture and love themselves. They have forgotten they are Love. They FEEL like the scared little boys they are on the inside. It is precisely that Vulnerable feeling they attempt to HIDE, desperately.

They believe scarcity is real.

To Be Continued…

The Perfect Girl…..Mareux

Suffocation…..Crystal Castles

Daydream In Blue…..I Monster

Hot Blooded…..New Constellations

Oblivion…..Grimes

Zombie…..The Cranberries

Wicked Game…..Chris Isaak

I Follow Rivers…..Marika Hackman

A Girl Is A Gun…..Lllyric?

The Stings Of A Poet…..Lllyric?

Picture Perfect…..Draeko

Left Aside…..Lllyric?

Pull Me In…..Labrinth

Two Weeks…..FKA twigs

Fukk Sleep (feat. FKA twigs).....A$AP Rocky

Stillness…..supwel

WAP (feat. Megan Thee Stallion).....Cardi B.

Blue Light Hunter…..Jahrund

Another Life…..Jadu Heart

I don’t belong to this reality…..IXIK

BlackBlueCoffee 4/4/26 BlackBlueCoffee 4/4/26

enjoy the silence

Words like violence
Break the silence
Come crashing in
Into my little world
Painful to me
Pierce right through me
Can't you understand?
Oh, my little girl

All I ever wanted
All I ever needed
Is here in my arms
Words are very unnecessary
They can only do harm

Vows are spoken
To be broken
Feelings are intense
Words are trivial
Pleasures remain
So does the pain
Words are meaningless
And forgettable

All I ever wanted
All I ever needed
Is here in my arms
Words are very unnecessary
They can only do harm

Enjoy the Silence…..Depeche Mode

BlackBlueCoffee 4/3/26 BlackBlueCoffee 4/3/26

how soon is now?

I am the son and the heir
Of a shyness that is criminally vulgar
I am the son and heir
Of nothing in particular

You, shut your mouth, how can you say
I go about things the wrong way?
I am human and I need to be loved
Just like everybody else does

I am the son and the heir
Of a shyness that is criminally vulgar
I am the son and heir
Of nothing in particular

You, shut your mouth, how can you say
I go about things the wrong way?
I am human and I need to be loved
Just like everybody else does

There's a club if you'd like to go
You could meet somebody who really loves you
So you go and you stand on your own
And you leave on your own
And you go home, and you cry, and you want to die

When you say it's gonna happen now
Well, when exactly do you mean?
See, I've already waited too long
And all my hope is gone

You, shut your mouth, how can you say
I go about things the wrong way?
I am human and I need to be loved
Just like everybody else does

How Soon Is Now?…..The Smiths

BlackBlueCoffee 3/29/26 BlackBlueCoffee 3/29/26

Shedding and rebirth part 1

Disclaimer

I have always been a person who was more tuned into energy than not. As a child, as a teen; eventually I realized other people seemed to not notice what I noticed and I bought into the idea that maybe I was just really fucking crazy. I learned to gaslight myself like most of us do. After the age of 30, energy/spirit became louder and louder; I could no longer ignore it or gaslight myself. Not after working as an addictions counselor and witnessing over and over the diminished conditioning that many people struggle with. The conditioning that validation, power, and love is outside of them. In a pill, in a syringe, in a degree, in another person, on and on it goes. Taking people further and further away from themselves. Eventually I made a choice, leaning into the “crazy” with curiosity and healthy skepticism.

In 2022 or 2023 I discovered Mariya Nurislamova’s Youtube channel. I remember the first video I watched was a channeled message. I remember admiring her beautiful eye make-up, a glowing, orange eye shadow with lots of sparkles. I noticed how she was surrounded with many beautiful things. Mariya is a spiritual teacher, she teaches about many things including manifestation. The way she communicated made sense to me. I continued to watch her videos and bought her book 72 Keys To Manifestation: An Ancient Path of a Modern-Day Alchemist.

This past November she announced she would be hosting a retreat in Sedona, Arizona. I signed up immediately. For months I had been feeling stuck, numb and frustrated and didn’t know how to get myself out of it. Maybe going to this retreat could help somehow??? After signing up, I was invited to join Mariya’s Telegram. I watched the number of people join over the months leading up to the retreat, over 115 people joined.

At the very beginning of December I watched Mariya’s energy update for that month. I braced myself. The major theme for that month was shedding, release, letting go. A fiery, burning kind of energy. She had reported that certain relationships would need to go. And that some of us might experience, “phantom pain”. I wasn’t excited about the possibility of phantom pain, I had experienced that before; it is always unsettling to say the least.

December 5th:

I had my bi-monthly supervision with my supervisor. At the beginning of the meeting, she shared some photographs on her phone. Earlier in the year she had given birth to her first child. She is enamored. It’s really sweet how she talks about motherhood, her child, and her husband. It’s all very loving. One of the photos she shared with me was one she had taken of her child and husband. It was at a baby swim class, she showed me her child and husband in the pool.

“My Little Water Baby”, she said.

I caught my breath. My mind immediately went to Wanderer and The Child. Over the summer Wanderer’s Wife had posted a photo of The Child in a tiny kiddie pool on her social media. The Child was clearly having a great time in the water. Wanderer’s Wife had posted, “My Little Water Baby”, with the photo. Synchronicity.

Supervision went on as normal. As we were finishing up the meeting. I stood up and felt ENORMOUS PAIN. Pain in my midsection. Pain throughout my body. Tingles in my head and other parts of my body. My fingers felt numb. I was afraid I was having a heart attack, stroke or both. But this wasn’t the first time experiencing INTENSE PAIN like this. I have experienced very painful intuitive hits before. This had something to do with Wanderer. In the midst of feeling very afraid for my physical body, I also felt frustrated and resentful. If this was directly tied to Wanderer and his emotions and not being able to handle his own emotions…I cursed Wanderer inwardly, “Grow the Fuck Up. God Damit!”. I am so sick and tired of knowing his emotional state especially when it affects me. I try really hard to mind my own business. It is simply not my job to process his emotions for him. That is his job 100% of the time.

I excused myself and walked to my desk, taking in deep, slow breaths. What if I am having a heart attack??? My body wanted me to go outside but I was afraid I would faint. I went to my supervisor’s office.

“I think I’m having a panic attack! It’s usually very rare but every once in a while I get these intense attacks!” I was trying to remain calm, I don’t think I came across as calm. I told her I was going to go for a walk but I might faint. I was just really afraid and didn’t know what to do.

She stayed calm, “This is why we practice our coping skills”, I’m pretty sure I rolled my eyes at this. At that moment I hated that I still had a muggle job and was surrounded by people who had no idea what it means to be psychic. I remained calm and told her I was going for a walk and I would be back in 10 minutes. I just wanted someone to know I was out of the office just in case I did lose consciousness.

After a while the pain eventually subsided for the most part. I finished my workday and was relieved the next day was Saturday.

Saturday, December 6th:

I continued to experience phantom pain. Although now I was confident that this pain was related to me being psychic which was a small relief. One part related to Wanderer and the other part related to being more tuned into energy. That evening and into the morning I felt like my energy was being all burnt up; I had little energy. I felt consumed by this fiery pain. I didn’t know how to stop it.

Portland is known for many things. One side of Portland is that it is actually a Spiritual Hub of sorts. There are many metaphysical shops spread throughout the city which I adore. Celestial Awakenings is just a quick bike ride from where I live. When I arrived at the shop I felt like I was looking for something but wasn’t sure what I was looking for. This shop has a massive selection of crystals. I went from table to table but was unable to find what I was looking for, whatever that was. At last I went over to the glass case and noticed these beautiful (and expensive) crystal pendant necklaces. Some of them were over $500. To me that’s a lot of money for one piece of jewelry. Then I saw the purple one, I looked at the price, under $300. That price point felt less extreme for a crystal.

“Excuse me, I would like a closer look at this crystal”, I said pointing to the one I wanted.

“Ah yes,” he said calmly. He took the necklace out and walked towards me.

Before I knew it, he was helping me put on the crystal and then instructing me to do this and that. I felt like he was fitting me for this crystal. Then he instructed me to walk out the door and to simply notice. I was too tired to ask what he meant by that. I walked out of the shop and observed the street traffic, the noises in the neighborhood, the people walking by, the stimulation. The noises and stimulation felt a little less chaotic. Even though the difference wasn’t drastic, it was still noteworthy. I went back inside and paid for the crystal. Later when I was at home, I read the description of the necklace.

“Siberian Purple Quartz Ascension Star Chain Pendant. Grown in Russia. Helps to transform blocked energy and balance emotions. A Tool For Evolution.” I did more research on this crystal; it is made in a lab using sacred geometry. This reminded me of Atlantis, a blend of nature with science to enhance human consciousness. Very curious. The following is a part of the description from the website of this pendant:

“Ancient teachers have taught us that we too have the ability to ascend. Ascension today is not about leaving the body; it is about bringing Heaven into Earth. Another fine feature of this cut is the stimulation of alignment with the highest guidance that we are capable of receiving so that we may more fully participate in Earth’s ‘conscious evolution’. This aids in bringing in the energy of the Divine to assist us in more fully manifesting our higher self”.

Very quickly I felt better wearing it, a little more centered than before. And the pain disappeared!!! Well worth the money.

A couple of nights later I was in bed. My whole body felt like it was vibrating. More of my energy was being burnt up. Then I felt excruciating pain, specifically in my womb and my pussy. This was a violated kind of pain. Then I felt/saw in my mind’s eye my adoptive dad fervently thinking about me in a way that dads should not think about their daughters. More pain in my womb and vagina. In those moments I withered in SOOOOO MUCH Pain. Humiliation. I felt Trampled On. All Used Up and so ALONE. In those moments I wanted to die; Wanted To End It All. Also, I felt into my adoptive mother’s jealousy towards me. I have known she is a petty person for years but feeling into her jealousy towards me was a whole other level of awareness. I supported her for years. I genuinely wanted her to be content and happy. She was never content or happy for long; always criticizing something about someone. A miserable person at her core. For years I just wanted them to both love me as their daughter. I just wanted to feel loved!!!

What I didn’t realize at the time was that I was shedding. Releasing and letting go of what no longer serves me. Releasing what was keeping me Trapped. Releasing the Illusions.

I told my friend Al about what I had been experiencing. What happened at supervision, getting fitted for the crystal and the vision and understanding of how my dad thought of me, specifically when I was a teenager.

“That’s gross”, she said in response.

“I know! I’m so fucking Rageful! For years I did not feel comfortable around him and for years it was really easy for me to ignore how I felt. Especially with my experiences of being abused before I met my adoptive parents. It was really easy to gaslight myself and tell myself to ignore my intuition.” I felt like crying but stopped myself. I am so grateful for my friend Al. For years now she has been hearing all about my metaphysical, weird experiences. It has been so helpful for me to confide in her. I later told my friend Tara what I had been experiencing. She is another person I confide in and has listened to me patiently over the years. And now she is on her own Spiritual Path. We both talk to each other about our experiences. She now has her own Divination practice. Definitely grateful for my inner circle of friendships, my tiny village of fellow Magickal People.

"At least it was just his thoughts", Al said.

"Yeah…",I said slowly.

Thoughts affect physical reality too. I had recently read a book about this. It’s called The Intention Experiment by Lynne McTaggart. This book was not intended for daddies to energetically rape their daughters. Thoughts do affect physical reality. Thoughts matter.

A memory came forward for me. I was 16/17 years old. I was asleep but was awakened by this intensely pleasurable orgasm. In this memory I was alone in bed. For months I thought maybe I had experienced that sleepgasm because of Wanderer. I know he thought about me a lot back then. But no, now I was piecing together something that was far more sinister and gross.

A couple of nights later I was alone in bed, trying unsuccessfully to get to sleep. Then I started touching myself, focused on the sensations in my body. But then I kept seeing my adoptive dad’s face between my legs. I felt disgusted. I tried to block out that image. But I kept seeing his face between my legs. That is when my body released the Truth. The Body Keeps The Score. The Body Never Forgets. I SCREAMED into my pillow. I felt helpless and hopeless. All Used Up. No one will believe me. NO ONE WILL BELIEVE ME. NO ONE WILL BELIEVE ME!!!

I met my adoptive parents when I was 13. All throughout my teenage years I worked so hard to appease them both. I was well aware of the power dynamic. I was so afraid. I had nowhere else to go. I had been in the foster care system before I met them and knew that system was a dead end. I was also aware of the likelihood of getting trafficked if they kicked me out. So, I worked so hard to get them to like me. I wanted them to love me like their daughter. He was also very well aware of the power dynamic. If he ever got caught, no one would believe me. It is so easy to dismiss the broken foster girl who no one wanted. He has manipulated and lied to me so many times. It is not beyond his character and lack of integrity for him to have slipped something into his wife’s drink (so she didn’t wake up when he was out of bed) so he could sneak into my bed while I was asleep. He convinced himself that he wasn’t hurting me. He didn’t penetrate me so it didn’t count. Besides, it feels good. I was nothing like his wife when they were teenagers. She worked so hard trying to get the attention of boys their age. So much effort into her appearance, spent hours in front of the mirror; wanted so badly to get a boyfriend. So was docile, meek and could not see her own beauty. She would never break up with him because she needed validation. I wasn’t like that as a teen. I was afraid all of the time. Constantly experiencing telepathy and other psychic hits which scared and confused me at the time and I just told myself I was crazy. I was very preoccupied with that. I didn’t like focusing on my looks so much. I definitely didn’t care about having a boyfriend. Boyfriends lie anyway and they are embarrassing. This little stuck up bitch thinks she doesn’t need a boyfriend. That she’s too good to be someone’s girlfriend. I was/am Defiant; refuse to submit to men.

The justifications some people make when they do abusive things to other people. This is what can happen when people deny their shadow side and ignore it; distortion leaks out and the wounded part of the ego tries to hide it.

The summer I turned 18 I had experienced an excruciating painful period. It was so painful that I had to be excused from going into work. I was bedridden with the pain I experienced. It scared me. Were all of my periods going to be this debilitating from now on? I felt trapped inside my body. That was the only time in my life so far when my period was scary painful. I think that is when my adoptive dad’s late night activities stopped. It was after that painful period.

I am not what happened to me. I AM what I choose to be. I plant the Truth and grow within.

Saturday evening on December 6th I went and saw Eyes Wide Shut in the theater. Considering all of the talk about the E-files at that time plus my own experiences of sexual abuse, watching this movie felt relevant. One of the trailers that was shown before the movie started was Amadeus. I haven’t ever seen that movie, so I made a mental note to watch it sometime. As a Music Lover, it would be very interesting to see a movie about Mozart.

Sunday, December 7th: I went to Powells on Hawthorne. I was looking for The Rose That Grew From Concrete by Tupac Shakur. I found it! And then I was directed to another book. I was being led by my Spirit Guides. It was as if a gust of wind came through and a book shifted. As I watched the book move as if from its own accord, my Intuition vibrated. A Magickal Moment! I picked up the book, it was about Kurt Cobain, Courtney Love and their daughter. The book is called Family Values. I had accepted that both Tupac and Kurt have been guiding me for many years now. It’s only been the last several years I have had this awareness. I still kind of freak the fuck out about it, I grew up watching them on M.T.V. They are both celebrated (and criticized) for their art and creativity, and what they contributed to the World and being an imperfect, flawed person. The thing that the 3 of us have in common is having grown up in poverty and experienced chaotic childhoods full of violence and fear and being stigmatized for our own reasons. For me, it was having gone through the foster care system; that alone singled me out from the mythological, patriarchal concept of “family”. I think it is so interesting how we are conditioned to believe that family means safety; when the reality is, that for most of us, it is where we experience so much Trauma and Shame. Simply by existing I could never (nor was I ever interested in) cultivating this cultural lie we are all fed. Both Kurt and Courtney were intensely criticized as parents. Both Kurt and Courtney had their own intense wounding they had inherited from their own parents and had not healed when Frances was born. Family Values. Since they were both famous, people were well aware of their flaws and were quick to label Kurt and Courtney as bad parents. In this way Kurt and Courtney acted as mirrors for many people. People were quick to condemn them for the traits that were reflected back at them. People were not keen on doing their own shadow work; so much easier to project, blame and put shame onto others. Oh, and by the way, most people experience Trauma; a lot of people deny it because it threatens their sense of safety and sense of self. As children we are dependent on our caregivers and other adults in our lives. Children feel into the power dynamic even though they do not have the words to convey these realities.

A few days later, as I was reading through The Rose That Grew From Concrete, the first message caught my eye. I underlined the words that stood out to me and added some notes which are in parenthesis. It is addressed,

“To Our Children

We must support our children in every way we can. We must allow our children freedom to express themselves creatively. We must praise our children and thank them for their gift of inspiration. We must motivate our children spiritually. We must challenge our children to a higher level of achievement (In alignment with Higher Self). We must increase our children’s self-confidence (Self-Trust) and improve their overall quality of life.”

Today, as I write this (on March 28th, 2026), I flipped through Tupac’s book of poetry and this is where I landed, on page 121:

Untitled

Strength is overcome by weakness

Joy is overcome by Pain

The night is overcome by Brightness

and—Love it remains the same

Back to Sunday, December 7th:

I left Powell’s. I was walking down a quiet, residential street. I decided to put my earphones on and listen to some music. The music was on random mode. The song Looking For The Answer by Lllyric? came on, Intuitively I knew this was a message from Wanderer. By this time I was well aware that Wanderer has no idea that he sends me messages through music. I felt sad for him. I think these messages come from his subconscious sometimes. These messages definitely come from his Higher Self, also.

“Looking for the answer I'm searching for you

Looking for the answer I'm searching for you

And I've been falling between your iris

You catch me staring I close my eyelids

I can't let you know that I love you

Because you'll kill me just like the others

I think I'll take one more so I won't feel a thing

I had to let you go so I can feel again

I wanted you to know that I won't be the same

I'm stuck in that room back in 2008

I never grew up I think I'm innocent

My brain is filled with spiders and ignorance

I drink until I drop I think I have a problem

But I am

Looking for the answer I'm searching for you

I think I'm looking for the answer I'm searching for you

Looking for the answer I'm searching for you

I think I'm looking for the answer I'm searching for you

I think I'm looking for the answer I'm searching for you”

“I'm stuck in that room back in 2008

I never grew up I think I'm innocent

My brain is filled with spiders and ignorance

I drink until I drop I think I have a problem”--In my mind’s eye I saw Wanderer circa 2008. Newly in college, full of Optimism and Hope for his future. Trusting in the guidance from his mother. I know now that his family operates more like a Cult than anything else. Most of them attempt to have Power Over Others; it’s abusive energy. Wanderer is not a happy person. He isn’t a safe person. He is a liar, he lies everyday and has been doing so for many years. He doesn’t remember a day when he hasn’t lied. He has done a lot of sidestepping of his Shadow work. He denies that his Shadow even exists. Much like how my adoptive father denies how his Shadow exists. Wanderer creeps me out. Sometimes I feel sad for him. Sometimes I want to shake him to help him understand the kind of harm he has done to others. He thinks he is such a nice guy. He isn’t. He is very much in the self pitying mode of Victimhood. A very disempowered place to be.

Later that evening I went to Powell’s City of Books downtown. Travis Holp would be there talking about being a medium and signing copies of his book, Are You There, Spirit? It’s Me, Travis. I got there early so I could wander around. My Intuition guided me to the Military section and as if the book had been waiting especially for me, my eyes immediately landed on a book titled, Sagittarius Rising. Curious, I picked it up and flipped through it. I noticed it was a first edition (American) copy. Written by Cecil Lewis, the original price for the book was $2.50; the current price for this book was $25.00. The price sticker with the barcode was dated 11/2/2025. It’s a memoir about a teenage fighter pilot from the 1st World War. After his time in the military he went on to co-create the British Broadcasting Company and became a writer.

The following is on the page after the copyright:

SAGITTARIUS

Ninth sign of the zodiac, the archer, governing voyages and weapons and all swift things. A fiery but divided sign, dominated by Jupiter, denoting in the character gaiety and a love of sport on one hand, and on the other a power of prophecy and philosophy: which sign occurs in the horoscope of the autobiographer, rising

I thought about the Sagittarius Rising that I know who also has a military background. This book was definitely for me. I bought the book.

Monday, December 8th: I deleted my Facebook account.

Sunday, December 14th: In the morning I was on my bike on the way to the grocery store when I noticed a message trying to be delivered to me. I started thinking in melody. I don’t normally think in melody. That isn’t how my brain functions. I DO NOT think in melody. That is how I knew this was a message that was coming to me, not from me. I stopped riding my bike and parked along the curb. I got my phone and went to the voice recorder app and the following is what came through:

I’m A Witch; I’m A Witch!!!

I’m A Powerful, Powerful Witch!!!

Hhhmmhhhmmm; Hhhmmhhhmmm

I’m A Healer; I’m A Healer!!!

I’m A Powerful, Powerful Healer!!!

Hhhmmhhhmmm; Hhhmmhhhmmm

I’m A Witch; I’m A Witch!!!

I’m A Powerful, Powerful Witch!!!

Hhhmmhhhmmm; Hhhmmhhhmmm

I’m A Healer; I’m A Healer!!!

I’m A Powerful, Powerful Healer!!!

Hhhmmhhhmmm; Hhhmmhhhmmm

And You ARE Tooooooo!

You Are A Witch; You Are A Witch!

You Are A Witchy, Witchy Witch!

Hhhmmhhhmmm; Hhhmmhhhmmm

You Are Powerful, You Are Powerful

You Are Power-Power-Powerful!

Hhhmmhhhmmm; Hhhmmhhhmmm

You’re A Healer; You’re A Healer!!!

You’re A Heeaalerrrrr!!!

Hhhmmhhhmmm; Hhhmmhhhmmm

And Sooo-ooo It Iiisss!

When I started recording the song, I knew who this was coming from. The Child. I have known The Child’s Soul in many lifetimes, spanning from pre-patriarchal times. I don’t know when was the last time I Mothered this Soul on Earth. I know The Child thinks about me and wonders where I am. This wasn’t the first message I have gotten from The Child. I’m not sure if we are meant to be together in this life. I felt grateful for this message. It was such a fun song! Cheerful and Joyful! I LOVE this song. Such a lovely gift.

I started heading towards the grocery store after channeling the song. But I noticed a twinge from Spirit. Then I noticed my bike’s battery was running lower than usual. I decided to head back. On my way back home I decided to get some pie and a cup of coffee for breakfast. After I was done there, I decided to walk my bike up the street for a bit because I was afraid that I wouldn’t have enough charge to get back home. I was walking along SE Stark Street, listening to music when I noticed a woman in purple come out of a building with a large sign for a shop; this shop was opening as I was walking up. I read the sign on the building, “The Way Home Shop”, another metaphysical shop that I had no idea existed!

“The Way Home. Huh. I didn’t even know you existed! How long has this shop been open?”.

“We just had our 2-year anniversary yesterday”, the woman said warmly.

“This is great! I’m going to lock my bike and come in!”. I was excited. 2 is one of my numbers.

This shop is small and mighty. It is packed with crystals, candles, books, all sorts of magickal tools. I Intuitively went right to the corner with the things I needed, as I approached I noticed the symbol rose. I picked up the bottle that said, “Rose Medicine”, my Intuition vibrated. I have known for a while I am a part of the Magdalene Lineage. I read more on the bottle, the brand is from, “Kate’s Magik: Intention-Based Aromatherapy”, I continued to read on, “Reiki-Charged. Our blend of exquisite rose otto and rose absolute will help comfort your heart, soothe your nerves, and mend your soul. The cosmic wisdom and tender healing ability of rose will aid in easing sorrows, dissolving grief and instilling forgiveness. This graceful aroma will awaken your heart, elevate your mood and encourage sacred connection. Rose conjures Life-Force, can help balance hormones and awakens sensual desires. This sacred Queen of Flowers is here to LOVE, BEAUTIFY and COMFORT us through our earthly existence; in everyday life, practice, prayer and ritual.

Rose Essential Oil transmits the highest vibrational frequency (320 MHZ) of all essential oils on our planet.

Since ancient times, aromatic oils have been applied for purification, healing, and to stimulate the senses. Their alchemical nature ties us to the mystical traditions of our ancestors.”.

This was definitely a tool I needed. Right below the display of essential oils was a tarot deck, I immediately noticed the black and gold; the cat on the deck. I picked up the deck for a closer look, the author of this deck shared the same first name as Wanderer’s wife. Again my Intuition vibrated. I bought the Rose Oil and the tarot deck. I learned more about the shop. They have classes throughout the month and it is owned by a woman. I made a mental note to check out upcoming classes. I felt safe in this space. To Be Continued…

Wake Up (Choir Version).....Llunr

California Dreamin’.....The Mamas & The Papas

California Love-Original Version…..2Pac, Roger, Dr. Dre

Looking For The Answer…..Lllyric?

i hate 2 hate u…..LAURA LAVI

prey…..Aestrea

You Know You’re Right…..Nirvana

Do For Love…..2Pac

Requiem…..Wolfgang Amadeus Mozart, Magdalena Hajossyova (and a bunch of other people)

Angel…..Massive Attack, Horace Andy

Lie To Me…..Chris Isaak

BlackBlueCoffee 3/25/26 BlackBlueCoffee 3/25/26

who are you?

The lights reflect her hair
What's under there?
The place you never share
Doe eyed, tongue tied
Caught in the mist
What's your secret wish?

Do you know how far you'll go?
I wanna know
Come on tell me

Who who who
Who who who
Who who who
Who who are you?
Who who who
Who who who
Who who who
Who who are you?
(Come on tell me)

At night I see
You in my dreams
A name I try to reach
A touch just one
To make it real
A picture I can feel

Do you know how far you'll go?
I wanna know
Come on tell me

Who who who
Who who who
Who who who
Who who are you?
Who who who
Who who who
Who who who
Who who are you?
(Come on tell me)

Who who who
Who who who
Who who who
Who who are you?
Who who who
Who who who
Who who who
Who who are you?
(Come on tell me)

Who who who
Who who who
Who who who
Who who are you?
Who who who
Who who who
Who who who
Who who are you?
(Come on tell me)

Who Are You?…..Maiah Manser

BlackBlueCoffee 3/22/26 BlackBlueCoffee 3/22/26

wake up

Wake up, it's a long night, darling
Wake up, it's the brightest sky
No love, it's a dark night, darling
Hold on to me for dear life

Wake up, where, where do we go to?
Wake up, fire, fire in your eye
Oh love, we will try to come and save you
It's all just a matter of time

Wake up, won't you listen to the people?
Wake up from the mountain of the lies
No love, you've been a pawn through every sequel
Wake up, wake up, wake up, wake

Wake up, call your brother, call your mother
Wake up under aid from the sky
Oh love, we're digging deeper in the rubble
Hold on to my voice outside

Wake up, we just lost another family
Wake up, 'cause we need the world to see
No love, they won't ever understand us
Too bad, we're just bodies on a screen

Wake up, they don't care about the people
Wake up, they don't care about you too
Oh love, if you're walking with the people
Hold on 'cause they're coming for you

Wake up, little boy, they don't want you
Wake up, you might threaten their plan
Run, run, before they come and find you
Grow up 'til you're taught to fight back

—-Wake Up…..Llunr 2024

BlackBlueCoffee 3/21/26 BlackBlueCoffee 3/21/26

Metamorphosis

“We stand at the threshold of a great dawning

Something deep within life is changing

An era is ending & at the very core of creation

Something new is being born

We are awakening from a long, collective sleep, an in-vitro

Dreaming deep within the womb of our Mother Earth

Now is the time of a great shifting of cosmic wheels

Which will result in the reformation of our

Earth & trigger a radical shift in Consciousness

A galactic tidal wave of light is descending upon the Earth

Activating the highest potential, raising the frequency

Reality is being reformed, redefined

The activation of new neural pathways will trigger new perceptions

New information, new impulses & a re-calibration of DNA

Open yourself to these higher dimensional frequencies…”--Metara (Metamorphosis) Darpan, Kailash Kokopelli

My latest Inspiration. :)

BlackBlueCoffee 3/15/26 BlackBlueCoffee 3/15/26

chiron in cancer

Disclaimer

It’s been over a year since I severed the relationships with my adoptive parents. While I knew it was the right choice for me to make, it was still a very difficult thing to do at that time. After years of trying to get them to attempt to understand my perspective. To have them understand the way they showed up in the relationship also impacted our relationship; it wasn’t just on me. After witnessing over and over from both of them how justified they believe they are to be dismissive and to not hold themselves accountable for what they say and do; it became oppressively clear to me that they did not care about the quality of our relationship. They expected me to ALWAYS people please, to ALWAYS doubt myself and to NEVER advocate for myself; to walk on eggshells around them ALWAYS. To ALWAYS be chasing their approval.

I remember how my mom modeled that approval-chasing for me when it came to both of her parents.

Chasing the approval of both of her wounded parents is the exact thing my adoptive mother did over and over and over again. Never once did I ever see her question on how they landed on their perspective. And when I say, “question”, I mean simply getting curious about how another person came to that reasoning and/or perspective. Having questions being led by curiosity; in order to understand on a deeper, more intimate level. This is one way we can cultivate intimate, respectful relationships that are mutually beneficial.

My mom does ’t know how to cultivate intimate, respectful and mutually beneficial relationships. This skill demands sharp communication and relational skills and as a woman who has been married since the 1980’s she has leaned into the patriarchal expectations and has not learned how to advocate for her needs. Hence, her passive aggressive habits. Also, as a sidenote, abolishing marital rape (at least on paper) was not signed into federal law until the early 1990’s. Most people, women especially, have not been given the support and education on being able to advocate for their needs to people who have more power than they do. Just one drawback to a patriarchal culture, at least, according to my perspective; which leans towards egalitarianism.

My mom has internalized so many expectations from others, she has spent her whole life chasing the approval of others. As for my dad…well…he performs being the “dedicated” and “doting” husband very well. He appears to be a loving husband. They both do a lot of hiding behind their marriage, which most people do.

Her whole life she spent so much energy attempting to gain the approval of her fucked up parents. Focused on external validation.

“Look at me Mommy, Daddy; I’m a nurse!”.

“Look at me Mommy, Daddy; I’m a wife!”.

“Look at me Mommy, Daddy; I’m an artist!”.

She wanted to be thought of as a “good” girl; to never question or critique supposed authority: She was Compliant.

It was never enough.

Her mother thought her nose was too big. When she turned 18, her dearest mother paid for her to get a nose job: Compliant.

She could never be pretty enough; even though she was a tall, thin woman. She had a figure a lot of women would appreciate having. She could never see her own beauty: Compliant.

She consistently talked about and critiqued other women' s and girls’ bodies: Compliant.

She not only internalized the expectation to chase the approval of her parents. She had also internalized the expectation to chase the approval of patriarchy: Compliant.

It eventually became very clear to me that both of my parents expected me to fall in line with their expectations. For me to not ask too many questions or challenge them. To not advocate for myself.

When I allowed myself to see this truth crystal clear, it was obvious to me that I could not continue to have a relationship with them. When the truth about the nature of our relationship was no longer being held together by the idea or the potential of what this relationship could be; I refused to participate in my own self-sabotage in order to keep the peace in those relationships.

I imagined being a mother. I imagined what I would do if I had a dependent, helpless infant in my care. I asked myself, “Would I feel comfortable leaving my child, my baby alone with them? With two people who cannot even manage their own uncomfortable and distressing emotions?”. My answer to that question was, “Absolutely Fucking NOT”.

After communicating to them directly and clearly that I would not engage in a relationship with them and I expected them to never contact me ever; those first few months were painful. What was also painful to realize, was all of the self-sacrificing I did for the family relationships. My adoptive parents confuse love with control. Unfortunately, this is a common side effect of patriarchy.

All I feel now when I think about my parents is relief.

I feel relieved I no longer have to dumb myself down.

I feel relieved that I am not consistently gaslit and lied to.

I feel relieved I am no longer trapped by their bullshit.

I am grateful to not be trapped by their “niceness”.

Being “nice” is so fucking performative.

There are a lot of “nice” people in the world. And sometimes we get to see just how “nice” and fake they really are.

For example:

Lately a lot of wealthy men (“nice” guys)…well…turns out not so nice. There is that one in particular; with the public proof that he not only repeatedly cheated on his wife (it is my understanding their marriage had the expectation that both of them would be monogamous); he also had contracted an STI and asked for advice on how to sneak medication into his wife’s food. What a nice guy! He lacks integrity obviously.

There are sooooo many nice men in the world. Isn’t that lovely?! (Sarcasm).

A lot of men lack integrity. As a collective, men have not earned the privilege to co-create monogamous relationships with women. Men are not worthy of this.

As a collective, men have demonstrated they are conniving little weasels, they are cowards, they are users, they are manipulators with no desire to understand how they impact other people. They do not deserve the companionship and loyalty that women have to offer.

Having a boyfriend is sooooo embarrassing now. Tripled with having a husband. Just another overgrown baby. Cannot directly speak his needs and limits; cannot use his words. Just like a baby. Not worth it.

It has been validating to have proof that the world is, indeed, run by psychopaths.

We will be gaslit NO MORE.

In this world we have a lot of nice people who play power games with others. With their partners, with their children…A lot of people attempting to have power over others is gratifying for them. They get off on it; dopamine hits and everything.

When we have people in positions of power who lack genuine empathy and care for others. When we have people who are emotionally reactive, power hungry and only know how to manipulate and gaslight others in relation to them…..

What do you think the end game of that is going to be???

Just like every other system in this country; the family system is busted open, in pieces. So much fucked up shit happens in famlies, especially in the families that appear oh so nice.

I am so grateful I stumbled upon astrology when I did. It has allowed me to deepen my shadow work practices. It has highlighted where I struggle and where I am more naturally gifted. It has helped me to deepen my healing. In a world where gaslighting and lying is normalized, it can be a helpful tool to help people see themselves as they actually are.

For people who are ready to see themselves clearly and to integrate healing; astrology is helpful because it highlights people as they are. Not as they wish they were. Not as what their ego tells them they are. Astrology is what it is. It's great for Truth Seekers.

Not everyone wants the Truth. So many people feel placated with fantasy and lies; smoke and mirrors.

Astrology highlights energies and how they intersect in specific areas of life.

Let’s go down a rabbit hole…shall we?

The Chiron in Cancer placement is a very challenging placement to have. When a person is able to heal and integrate all of the pain; they will have the unshakeable truth that they are their own safe place. Their own safe home. They learn that they can rely on their perceptions of the world and sustain unbreakable self-trust.

8th House is the area of life about sex, death, rebirth, trauma, the hidden/unseen, the occult aaaanndd taxes and shared resources.

Cancer is connected to the maternal, to the mother.

Chiron in Cancer in the 8th House:

Loss of personal power. Could manifest as experiencing sexual abuse as a child. A sudden loss of a person; sudden death and witnessing and attempting to process that loss at a young age. A lot of people who have experienced sexual abuse and who stay in denail typically have major issues with control and often manipulates or attempts to manipulate others in a distorted attempt to feel more in control and having more power. Struggles with intimacy are common with this placement. Also, sex addiction can be prevalent with this placement. Like I said, Chiron in Cancer is a very difficult placement to have.

For this example let’s use the mythical “nice” guy:

His Obsessive Need for the Attention, Validation and Approval of others. His Need to be considered, to appear as a “Nice Guy”...because at his very core he has no idea who the fuck he is; he is so confused. SeekingSeekingSeekingTakingTakingTakingANDTaking some more; Always. It’s never enough. It’s a roller coaster of seeking out the degrees, the job titles, the shiny accolades; a never ending game of ping ponging from one end to another. This is just one way how an unhealed Mother Wound can manifest. Although, the “Nice Guy” trap is common. There will never be enough attention for this “Nice Guy”, not with his ignored, vacant space where his heart ought to be. No amount of external validation will ever heal this wound.

REPARENTING.

Love IS An Inside Job.

I am grateful I have been aware of this reality since I was a teenager. When I was about 15 years old I had a bit of a revelation; it went like this:

“I could wind up fucking 1,000 men and still feel EMPTY on the Inside. I could make Millions of Dollars and still feel EMPTY on the Inside. I could have so much plastic surgery; get Plastic Pretty AND STILL be EMPTY on the Inside”.

This insight I had when I was a teenager has saved me so much energy and heartbreak. I am grateful.

Growing up and observing all kinds of people, what struck me in particular is the coldness that a lot of wealthy people live with.

I felt into their empty void on the Inside. It frightened me. I felt the Cold, Bleak Reality of Emptiness.

I don’t want to be like that.

I AM Grateful I AM Not Like That.

“Social status”--Not worth it.

Being someone’s “wife”--Not worth it.

Going to college right out of high school and getting the degrees and certificates to get a “good job”--Not worth it.

When people pursue these things out of the need to please other people–Not worth it.

Realizing I have been in alignment with my Soul since my late teens: FUCKING PRICELESS. 🙂

Us and Pigs…..SOFIA ISELLA

The Loony Bin…..Jahrund

Dream Girl Evil…..Florence+The Machine

Number 1 Crush…..Leeni

rage…..yergurl

love is a knife…..Artemas

Keeps Bringing Me Back…..Blood Cultures

BlackBlueCoffee 3/14/26 BlackBlueCoffee 3/14/26

I follow rivers

Oh, I beg you, can I follow?
Oh, I ask you, why not always?
Be the ocean, where I unravel
Be my only
Be the water where I'm wading

You're my river running high
Run deep, run wild

I, I follow, I follow you, deep sea, baby
I follow you
I, I follow, I follow you, dark doom, honey
I follow you

He a message, I'm the runner
He the rebel
I'm the daughter waiting for you

You're my river running high
Run deep, run wild

I, I follow, I follow you, deep sea, baby
I follow you
I, I follow, I follow you, dark doom, honey
I follow you

He a message, I'm the runner
He the rebel
I'm the daughter waiting for you

You're my river running high
Run deep, run wild

I, I follow, I follow you, deep sea, baby
I follow you
I, I follow, I follow you, dark doom, honey
I follow you

I Follow Rivers

Original by Lykke Li (Released in 2011)

Cover by Marika Hackman (2014)

BlackBlueCoffee 3/7/26 BlackBlueCoffee 3/7/26

music i am currently obsessed with

whore…..mehro

who are you…..mehro

living in the echoes…..Dominic Donner

chance with you…..mehro

Sex Fiend…..mehro

in my arms…..Artemas

Liquor Run…..Ruby Waters

darling you don’t make me wanna stay…..Psylosia

DystopAI…..WANNABEFRIENDS

rage…..yergurl

Darkness, I’ll Always Be Your Girl…..R. Missing

Uprising…..Muse

BLINDERS…..Ruby Waters

Golden Girl…..Hila

Could You Still Want Me…..Two Feet

I live for you, I can’t stay away…..Lllyric?, Skeleton Boy

myself…..Artemas

Paradise…..Henry Morris

BlackBlueCoffee 3/4/26 BlackBlueCoffee 3/4/26

whore

We have all done stuff we feel shame for. We have all used and been used on some level; it’s a spectrum. The question is, are you going to stay in this disempowered, emotionally reactive, victimized, and blaming state? Are you going to change even when it brings uncertainty? You have darkness around you. Not inside of you. Not yet, anyway. It’s your choice.

whore…..mehro

BlackBlueCoffee 3/1/26 BlackBlueCoffee 3/1/26

Highly Sensitive rabbit

It may benefit you to get a copy of The Highly Sensitive Rabbit by Dr. Judith Orloff. You could read this book to him. It can help him to understand his Inner Self more effectively. Perhaps lessen his confusion…Perhaps it could help you to understand your Inner Self. :)

This World is so fucking confusing.

You Both are Empaths. It is a Powerful way to be in this World.

As his Father, you are meant to support, guide and protect him. He needs you to model Self-Trust for him. It takes Sooo-ooo much practice. You can do this! I know you can Tap Into Your Soul. It can be messy. It can be confusing. That is apart of the process. Practice Is Progress. Practice Is Progress! Practice Is Progress!!! I know you don’t remember. But before you incarnated for this lifetime, you and his Soul made a Soul Contract. You are meant to Reclaim what it means to Father, to be an Engaged Parent. The Soul Bond between you two takes my breath away.

who are you…..mehro

BlackBlueCoffee 2/18/26 BlackBlueCoffee 2/18/26

Mercury Sagittarius in 4th House

Disclaimer

I recently took a workshop centered on using medical astrology to better understand my nervous system and how to care for it more effectively. During the workshop I had several “aha” moments and got a more clear understanding that astrology is indeed real. Seeing my personal mercury placements and breaking down the information and connecting that with my personal experiences of how I have struggled with sleep and needing daily movement in my routine so I don’t go bat shit crazy was a deeply validating experience for me.

I will share an example of how the function of a person’s nervous system is reflected in their birth chart.

Please Note!

I am a student of medical astrology. I am a new student. I am writing as a way to gain more practice on understanding this material. In no way am I diagnosing anything for anyone.

Mercury placement is fundamental in establishing a baseline of how one’s nervous system functions.

Mercury in the birth chart symbolizes systems, logic, variety, intellect and range. Mercury in relation to medical astrology and the nervous system; Mercury is the first key in building an understanding of how one’s nervous system functions.

Example:

Mercury in Sagittarius in the 4th house.

Sagittarius carries the energies of philosophy, religion, world travel, having a multicultural perspective, expansive, freedom-loving, independent and exploratory tendencies in typical birth chart astrology.

The 4th House is centered on foundations, home, family, ancestry, emotions, nurturing, sensitivity, mother, feminine, empathy and creativity.

For a person with their Mercury in Sagittarius being aware of their strong need for intellectual stimulation (needing to be learning consistently), and creating consistent spiritual practices and/or philosophical and/or religious study; these practices can be beneficial in helping them to regulate their nervous system.

Movement is also vital! Walks in the park, regular hikes in nature paired with adventure and novelty can help to quell this kind of nervous system that is easily prone to being tightly wound and on edge. Also, avoiding repetition and too much routine can easily lead to boredom.

Having a Mercury placement in the 4th house. Having a consistent, calm and safe home environment is essential. This particular Mercury placement has a need for a lot of downtime away from too much stimulation.

Fire Mercuries in general have very quick, restless mental energy; what is also true is this kind of nervous system can easily become overstimulated or just flat out agitated. Sooo, consistent physical activity is VITAL. Physical activity helps to burn out the excess mental energy in one’s mind and nervous system. What is also true is dopamine burns out quickly, so less exposure to scrolling and technology in general, the better. Mercury in Sagittarius are prone to struggling with nervous system regulation, which only highlights the absolute NEED for calm, consistent, down time paired with consistent physical activity.

How one’s Mercury is aspecting other planets also gives more information about one’s nervous system functions.

For example:

Mercury Conjunct Mars–

The nervous system is on high alert and is naturally attuned to receiving more information in one’s environment and other people. This also highlights a very restless mind and more challenging time with being able to wind down, hence, the importance of consistent physical outlets.

Let’s say a toddler had this aspect in their chart, the parents and other adults need to stay anchored within themselves and model calm and consistency.

Mercury Square Moon–

Emotions strongly affect the nervous system (from self AND others); sooooo, emotional regulation is essential. Using flower essences can be beneficial.

Mercury Square Neptune—

This highlights a person’s nervous system is extremely attuned to energy and the emotions of others (all emotions are: is information; learning how to interpret emotions is learning how to decipher the information one’s body and mind is communicating: emotions are information). With this placement a telepathic-like ability is likely. Can easily be tuned into other people’s thoughts and energies. Because of this, one’s nervous system is easily impacted by other peoples’ nervous systems.

Astrology isn’t for everyone! But, when people find themselves receptive to new information and a different perspective, it can be life changing.

BlackBlueCoffee 2/2/26 BlackBlueCoffee 2/2/26

uncomfortable truths

Disclaimer

With certain Truths and Files being surfaced right now; the question I am asking myself is, as a collective, how are we going to move forward? Are we going to numb out and opt out of having uncomfortable conversations about abuse of power and influence? Collective amnesia? Or will we learn to integrate these shadows and know that every person is capable of doing immense harm to others? How do we hold those with power, wealth and privilege accountable? I don’t have the answers but I do know if we care about not repeating the past; uncomfortable conversations across all domains will need to take place.

As someone who has been working in the addiction counseling field for 9 years, I know that many people are not able to heal what was taken and stolen from them. One reason it is damn near impossible for people to heal is lack of accountability and safety. The unveiling of abuses of power on the global stage doesn’t stop there. Abuse and power games take place in many homes; the place we are apparently the safest. And the screams go unnoticed. They are ignored.

When I was a child, I was very aware that some adults enjoy fucking children. A gruesome reality. Speaking from first hand experience, I know how the Inner Turmoil can drown out hope. Just how bleak it can get.

The children of today and tomorrow…what are we going to model for them? Are we going to be a pillar of safety or a really difficult lesson to learn how to surpass? A lesson about a wolf in sheep’s clothing?? A pied piper???

prey…..Aestrea

BlackBlueCoffee 1/26/26 BlackBlueCoffee 1/26/26

untethered

Disclaimer

Considering how we live in a world that benefits from our confusion and fear. Lately, I have been feeling Untethered. It is impossible to not be affected by the World. Lately I have been struggling to feel safe. It has been validating and retraumatizing to realize just how gaslit I had been by my “nice” adoptive family. Just how deeply patriarchal they are even though they appear more progressive than they really are. To be able to deepen my understanding of how impactful gaslighting, manipulation and other forms of emotional abuse disconnects people from their Gut Instincts; from their Intuition. I feel as though I am in the Fog of Grief. I am grieving for the family that I never had. My “nice” adoptive family, far more sinister than not. Which makes me even more grateful they no longer have access to me. They are users and abusers who convince themselves that they are the perpetual Victim; not caring to understand how they contribute to the relationship. I never want to be like that.

So many current systems rely on our confusion and fear and desperation.

Lately, I have been feeling the pull to Harden, to close my Heart. Feeling all used up. Nothing left.

Which tells me that I need to take some reflection time. Become still. Recalibrate.

Since my Spiritual Awaken began in 2019, I have come to understand myself on a deeper level that I had no idea was possible. I have had multiple mediumship experiences. I can see through people’s masks far more easily. My Intuition continues to Strengthen.

I know I can never go back. I know I can’t undo what has been done. And right now I am in a spot where I feel tired and wary and afraid. I also know the way out of this confusing limbo spot is to keep learning, meditating, pushing myself beyond my perceived limitations.

I look at the World, the Injustice; those who get Believed and who get Betrayed. And even though there has been so much pain, I am grateful for my ability to ask questions. To question the status quo. Because the current systems need to change.

I want to be a part of that change. I want to be a Good Witch. To help solve the World’s problems, to be a part of the solution. To be a part of the Evolution of Human Consciousness.

That means it is time to prioritize Silence, Reflection and Learning. To go Inward, for that is where my Answers are.

May Peace Be With You.

Much Love.

Some Music That Inspired Some Of My Thoughts:

Memoirs of the Melancholy…..BLESSED

Rytual…..Jutro, Linda

Phantom March…..PhantomFlow

BlackBlueCoffee 1/20/26 BlackBlueCoffee 1/20/26

iceberg

“C is for Cuckolding

Your boyfriend’s cuckold kink is most likely a subconscious, erotic response to a sexually charged fear. While most of us don’t eroticize our fears, a number of us respond to sexual fears or even traumas by incorporating them into our erotic imaginations. And what do many straight men fear most? Being cheated on”.—Dan Savage from Savage Love From A to Z: Advice on Sex and Relationships, Dating and Mating, Exes and Extras

So, basically people are icebergs. Maybe we see 3-5% of what is conscious that comes from within a person, everything is submerged in the subconscious. And who knows what individual people are aware of. I will add if a person is consistently demonstrating cognitive distortions in the way they think and communicate; it is likely they have little to no self-awareness. Exploring the subconscious mind requires silence and patience, two experiences our culture has gotten really bad at.

BlackBlueCoffee 1/13/26 BlackBlueCoffee 1/13/26

Six Principles of sexual health

Disclaimer

Six Principles of Sexual Health

Considering that only 37% of states in the U.S. expect their schools to teach sexual education that is medically accurate in high schools; it is no wonder that many people struggle within their intimate, romantic relationships. With a lack of knowledge that is based on fact with human well-being in mind; is it any wonder why many people struggle in this facet of life? One thing that is apparent to me, is that many people struggle to talk openly about expectations, preferences; knowing how to build up trust within relationships. The list goes on. There are many cultural influences that blindsides people from developing these skills.

With a Humanitarian and Global Perspective in mind, I really appreciate the following definition from the World Health Organization on Sexual Health.

According to the current working definition, sexual health is:

“…a state of physical, emotional, mental and social well-being in relation to sexuality; it is not merely the absence of disease, dysfunction or infirmity. Sexual health requires a positive and respectful approach to sexuality and sexual relationships, as well as the possibility of having pleasurable and safe sexual experiences, free of coercion, discrimination and violence. For sexual health to be attained and maintained, the sexual rights of all persons must be respected, protected and fulfilled.” (WHO, 2006a)

What I wish is taught to teens more is the relational skills that go into many different kinds of relationships, specifically romantic and/or sexual relationships. Because a lot of these skills are rooted in communication, embodied emotional intelligence and empathy. And most of these skills transfer to all kinds of relationships.

The following are principles and skills that can enhance trust, intimacy, connection, pleasure and authenticity.

Six Principles of Sexual Health

Consent–It is an agreement. Just because you say yes and agree to one thing, does not automatically mean you are agreeing and saying yes to all things. Get explicit about it, make no assumptions. Consider eye contact and body language. Universal concept, every culture has an understanding of consent and how important it is for bodily and emotional autonomy.

Quick Communication Breakdown: 7%ish of our communication relies on verbal (words we say). 38%ish is paraverbal which is our tone (how we say things). 55%ish is nonverbal which is facial expressions, eye contact, gestures, body language, proxemics, and touch. ***Context, Clusters and Congruence aka The 3 C’s of Nonverbal Communication.

Do you say, “yes” when you genuinely want to? Do you say, “no” when you genuinely need to?
When you feel the need to say, “no”, does your nervous system get activated into hypervigilance? Because of feeling wary or afraid of pushback, shutdown, rejection, potentially being misunderstood?
Check-In Question: Do you feel comfortable with a hug? (When first getting to know someone/building trust with sharing personal space).

2. Non-Exploitative–Things to consider: Power dynamics, age, gender, socio-economic status, relationship roles, sexual orientation. How do power dynamics impact the relationship? Are you aware when you are being controlling and manipulative towards other people and/or are you aware when other people are being controlling and manipulative towards you?

3. Honesty–What is the intention of this sexual relationship? How transparent are you about expectations and/or limitations of the relationship? Are there conversations about sexual experiences outside of that relationship such as masturbation, porn, sexual contact with other people including sexting; is transparency about these activities important to one or all who are involved in the relationship? Are you able to be honest about your wants, needs and boundaries even if you potentially stand to lose a relationship? Or experience embarrassment or shame?

4. Shared Values–Is there an understanding of what is important within the sexual relationship for all participants? How do curiosity, honesty, adventurousness, and other values play into the relationship? Are they honored?

How do you want to feel within the relationship?

5. Protected from STI’s/Unwanted Pregnancy/Emotional Safety–What is the agreement on contraception? Condom use? How often do you get tested for STI’s? Having conversations around safety. What are the important factors that go into feeling safe within the relationship? How aware are you of your personal needs for emotional safety; can you communicate those needs?

What does safety look like and sound like to you?
How aware are you when you are in a hypervigilant state?
What are the best ways for you to co-regulate and/or get into a parasympathetic state after realizing your nervous system has been activated?
How comfortable are you with advocating for your needs?
What does repair after a misunderstanding or a disagreement look/feel like within the relationship?

6. Mutual Pleasure–How important is it that sexual experiences are mutually pleasurable and beneficial? Are all participants in the relationship able to authentically express themselves? How is desire expressed and/or received?

What is your tolerance for navigating uncomfortable conversations?

What is your own vision of sexual health for you?

Keeping in mind just how impactful the relationships we participate in and how those relationships impact every important part of our lives; learning to implement these principles may be a worthwhile investment for our overall well-being.

Music

Let’s Talk About Sex…..Salt-N-Pepa

S&M…..Rihanna

Feeling Myself…..Nicki Minaj, Beyonce

WAP…..Cardi B, Megan Thee Stallion

Pony…..Ginuwine

I Touch Myself…..Divinyls

southbound…..Artemas

Ava Adore…..The Smashing Pumpkins

All The Things She Said…..t.A.T.u

Sources:

The 6 Principles of Sexual Health taken from Sexual Health in Drug and Alcohol Treatment by Douglas Braun-Harvey. The 6 Principles of Sexual Health has been expanded by Phoebe Rae.
psychologytoday.com blog titled, “Is Nonverbal Communication A Numbers Game? By Jeff Thompson Ph.D.
https://www.bu.edu/sph/news/articles/2025/only-37-of-us-states-require-sexual-education-in-schools-to-be-medically-accurate/

Supportive Materials

Books

Savage Love from A to Z by Dan Savage
The Erotic Mind by Jack Morin, Ph. D.

Every book and podcast created by Dr. Esther Perel

Mating In Captivity: Unlocking Erotic Intelligence
The State of Affairs: Rethinking Infidelity
Where Should We Begin? (Podcast)
How’s Work? (Podcast)

BlackBlueCoffee 1/6/26 BlackBlueCoffee 1/6/26

healing at the spa

Disclaimer

I have had multiple experiences of being sexually exploited in my life. Those experiences left me feeling dirty and all used up. As someone who has experienced sexual abuse as a young child, I grew up with the sense/feeling/belief that I was defective/tainted/gross. For a really long time, I have been on my own with figuring out my answers on how to heal and maintain healing. Considering we live in a chaotic, often violent world; we all get traumatized on some level and so, it stands to reason to come up with ways of coping and learning how to defuse the strain and stress of our existence.

I have become more tuned into how my nervous system jumps into hypervigilance whenever I am around men…so basically everyday. I wondered what else I could do with lessening this nervous system activation; the bottom line is, it drains more of my energy than I feel is necessary. I have gone to therapy, gone to support groups, I have deepened my self-awareness, done a variety of breathing exercises, journaled, I take walks in nature, I exercise everyday, I have gone back to therapy multiple times, I have learned and strengthened assertive communication, nonviolent communication, asking open ended questions, I have had many intimate conversations with men about their experiences with healing from abuse, I have released the toxic people that were once involved in my life and still I feel soooo afraid. What gives??? Don’t get me wrong, these practices have been integral in my healing…and yet…

That is when I let my Curiosity lead me.

There is a spa.

At check-in, I hand over my ID and phone temporarily. This spa is swim suit optional. What I typically do, is after I have changed into my dusty-rose colored robe and swim top, I go into the stream room and sit in silence. I focus on my breathing. Sometimes I am in there alone and sometimes there are other naked people in there with me. We don’t speak to each other. Everyone is sharing space and in their own experience. As I am sitting, I like to imagine all of the stress and stuck emotions in my tissues melting out of my body. I stay in the steam room until I can’t take it anymore. Then I go into the dry heat sauna for a bit. I sit in silence, I breathe the hot air into my lungs, grateful for its cleansing properties. I’m focused on being present inside my body. Practicing gratitude for my strong, healthy body. I have had to work so hard to get to the point where I am actually grateful for my body. From the SA I have experienced, the body shaming from the adults (women in particular) and other kids as I grew up, the bullying, grown men undressing me with their eyes…it’s a lot to process. AND what is also true is that my experience is not unique. So many of us have these kinds of experiences. In my case, the adults around me were stuck in their own survival or denial; either way I was on my own to figure this shit out. It’s been lonely.

After sweating out toxicity from my body for a bit, I get a cold beverage. Alcohol isn’t served on the premises. I usually get a corpse reviver (water infused with electrolytes); guava rose is my preference. I get my water, I sit by the bonfire and look up to the sky, sometimes I can see the Moon. After a good sweat, going outside, getting a lovely drink and leaning back on a lounge chair and looking up at the sky; lovelovelove. It feels soothing and relaxing; I feel calm. Sometimes I observe other people. At times, people are having conversations in the jacuzzi; sometimes I tune in out of curiosity. Sometimes I am in my own experience.

After replenishing my body with water, I hang my robe and go into the jacuzzi. I love the warm, bubbly water. I wear a swim top and skip the bottoms. For about 10-15 minutes I do light humming to activate my vagus nerve, I will bob up and down in the water gently. After about 10 minutes of this practice I feel so good and safe in my body. I feel like I am in a Womb. I imagine I am in the Womb of Mother Earth; so Warm, Nurturing, Life-Giving. Sometimes I imagine I am a Mermaid. Tapping into my Imagination and Play is a, “Fuck You!!!”, to the system that wants us severed from our Imagination.

I had a hunch that being partially naked would somehow enhance my healing practice. I was correct. Engaging in this practice consistently, I have noticed a shift within myself. The shift has been subtle and definitely there. There is something about being in the presence of men and being partially naked while I engage in my rewiring practice…while I can’t specifically call out the mechanisms of why this is working; the bottom line is that it works. This practice is helping me to rewire my nervous system. To train my brain that I Really Am Safe.

Even though most people are naked, the vibe isn’t sexual. It is very possible that some people are sexualizing others in their mind, we are all products of our culture after all; however, touching other people isn’t allowed nor is creepy, prolonged staring. And so far, my experiences at this spa have been deeply supportive and safe.

These experiences have highlighted just how healing water is for me. My Sun and Moon are in the sign of Cancer. My natal chart is Water Dominate. I grew up swimming in the Ocean. Of course water feels so good to me, so healing.

I feel grateful for my Curiosity; it leads me to surprising places. In a world where exploitation is as commonplace as breathing; of course, there is a need to think outside of the box when it comes to figuring out our own answers for Healing.

Stay Curious. 🙂

Much Love

Be Safe.

Some Music I Listened To While Writing:

Courage To Change…..Sia
Move Your Body…..Sia
Talk Show Host…..Radiohead
running up that hill…..Dominic Donner
Breathe Me…..Sia
Bird Set Free…..Sia
Midnight City…..M83
Elastic Heart…..Sia
Chandelier…..Sia

BlackBlueCoffee 1/5/26 BlackBlueCoffee 1/5/26

Secretive Sex

Disclaimer

Considering that most of us experience Shame with our Sexuality; most of us experience Shame with our body; our physical Vessel; what happens? When we have not learned the tools to address these issues, we become secretive. We hide these core aspects about ourselves including from our partner(s). Because what if our partner(s) does not understand our Sexual Desires? We risk being Shamed, Ridiculed, Rejected; these experiences can feel too painful when we are not fully Integrated and in our own Alignment.

Here are some common secretive sexual behaviors that a lot of people who have NOT done their Inner Work typically engage in:

Compulsive Porn Use
Secretive Hook-Ups (especially when one or both involved in these hook ups are supposed to be engaged in a committed partnership/marriage—-this is really common. Or, the sexual interaction is considered Taboo in some way such as with a step-sibling, an elder that took on a family role such as “uncle” or “auntie”, ect.).
The use of dating apps with the goal of receiving those dopamine hits by engaging with and/or receiving attention from others with no desire to actually follow through on meeting with people in the material world. This is purely attention seeking behavior.
Flirting with other people when you are partnered and you know that behavior has a firm boundary and you still choose to ignore that boundary.
Paying for sex outside of the relationship when you have agreed with your partner(s) that is a boundary and you agreed to not cross said boundary. And/or this boundary is implied such as within a closed marriage.
Overriding the physical space of a minor; “accidentally” bumping into them and/or touching them in a way that is intentionally sexual and/or erotic.
Attempting to engage with creepy eye contact with a minor. You may not view this kind of eye contact as creepy; chances are the minor feels this behavior is definitely creepy. It is NEVER the minor’s responsibility to Reality Check the adult. It is ALWAYS the responsibility of the ADULT to hold themselves ACCOUNTABLE.
Talking about inappropriate sexual topics with a minor. There is intent to shock, impress or sexually arouse the minor.

These are just a few examples that immediately came to my mind.

Considering that one of the most common regrets of the dying (according to palliative care nurse Bronnie Ware; she wrote a book about these issues) is,

“I’d wish I’d had the courage to live a life true to myself, not the life others expected of me”.

Think of all of the Suppression that has to happen when people deny themselves Authenticity. This is a deeply painful way to live. The person living this way hurts themselves by denying their Authenticity; whatever we suppress leaks out in Distorted ways. And so, many people are hurt directly and indirectly when we deny ourselves Authentic Expression. Overall, it is a lose-lose situation.

For Example:

Let’s say Jim is in a marriage where monogamy is supposed to be practiced by both partners in that agreement. However, secretly, Jim has been harboring resentment towards his wife (who in his view has never satisfied him sexually, they are incompatible; he knew this while they were dating and before he proposed to his then girlfriend-turned-wife). In Jim’s paradigm he justifies stepping out of the marriage in order to get his sexual needs met because he sees no other option; his and his wife’s lives are entangled and he feels trapped and he cannot express his needs and desires to his wife. What Jim may not be aware of is how this can potentially make him Vulnerable to Manipulation, Blackmail or worse. Do you see how these kinds of secretive behaviors can snowball??? Jim’s affair started out as a zipless fuck (but since people are icebergs and we are lucky if we see 5% of a person, everything else is typically submerged in the subconscious), the affair evolved into a tense situation with high risk and high potential for exposure. And if his wife wanted to drag him through the mud for his infidelity AND if she had, let’s say, evidence of his infidelity; this could potentially be a very intense situation for poor, old Jim that could tarnish his pristine reputation as a “doting husband”. At the very least his hypocrisy would be revealed and that kind of exposure feels like death to Jim. Because at that point he may have no other choice than to look within himself (which he has avoided his whole life) and take a deep look at his tendencies for manipulation, gaslighting and other maladaptive behaviors. Which is the exact thing a lot of people avoid doing because it challenges their paradigm of themselves, their relationships and the World.

Also, a quick side-note about the gender dynamics in this scenario:

Often, boys and men are raised with ingrained beliefs of their right to pleasure and sex (not to mention a right to girls’ and women’s bodies) and girls and women struggle to have autonomy over their own body. For many women, as far as pleasure and understanding their own sexuality; this kind of self-awareness often gets neglected. These beliefs often stem from religion, the media, family of origin, the list goes on. What is also typical is that boys and men are allowed to experience Anger, Lust and Greed; and they are often denied any emotions outside of those 3. While girls and women often operate with more emotional awareness and intelligence. When it comes to sexuality and emotions within heterosexual relationships there is often a HUGE gap of relatability for both partners. People participating in these kinds of relationships where they are not able to connect because of the mentioned dynamics pay a HUGE price. Because who really wants to be consistently lied to, cheated on, manipulated and overall emotionally abused in any relationship?

And since Jim has more power within his marriage, not to mention the world (since we live in a patriarchal society) and since he has chosen to not instigate and lead his wife in having open conversations about their sex life and what he actually wants to experience in that part of their relationship; he has failed to lead his wife. Instead of leading with open, kind, patient, compassionate conversations about their sex life so both of them could be on the same page; he chose to act like a chicken shit and avoid that responsibility altogether. Ideally, he would have been able to instigate these conversations waaaaaay before they got married. Had they had these conversations when they were still dating; they either could have explored and co-created their ideal sex life together OR they would have realized that they just weren’t compatible, ended the relationship and moved the fuck on with their lives.

Another quick tangent: The Clitoris and the Penis. It is now known in the research and medical field that the Clitoris is a sexual organ that is designed ONLY for PLEASURE. The Clitoris has far more nerve endings compared to the tip of the Penis. And so when we think about cultural conditioning about who wants sex more and why; the cultural narratives are far more biased towards the male perspective, especially when these narratives are rooted in organized religion AND patriarchy.

Back to poor, old Jim: Jim has internalized a lot of ideas from other people including the classic Madonna/Whore Complex. Since a lot of this conditioning has been packed into his subconscious and he simply lacks awareness; it is so much easier for him to blame his wife for his shitty sex life.

When people are raising children, as a parent, what kind of parent do you want to be? Are you going to be hypocritical; where you say one thing but then do something else entirely? Are you going to Shame your child for when they have questions about sex and sexuality? If your child catches you doing something with someone that is not their mommy/daddy and your wife/husband/girlfriend/boyfriend/partner ect.; will you force Secrets onto your child thereby creating Trauma and Trust Issues??? As a parent will you be a Wise guide, being a support for your child as your child matures and grows? OR, are you going to be a part of their Trauma and Suppression of Authentic Expression???

As children we were likely exposed to confusing things when it comes to sex and sexuality. However, when we become adults it is OUR Responsibility to Heal OUR Wounds. No one is coming to save us. Every adult is Responsible for their Growth and Healing.

Okay, so we come to the realization that we need to unpack the beliefs and behaviors that only keeps us stuck. Where do we start with understanding our own sexuality better? And communication? And values?

Here is the current working definition (according to the World Health Organization) of Sexual Health:

“...a state of physical, emotional, mental and social well-being in relation to sexuality; it is not merely the absence of disease, dysfunction or infirmity. Sexual health requires a positive and respectful approach to sexuality and sexual relationships, as well as the possibility of having pleasurable and safe sexual experiences, free of coercion, discrimination and violence. For sexual health to be attained and maintained, the sexual rights of all persons must be respected, protected and fulfilled”.

One thing that might be helpful is learning about the 6 Principles of Sexual Health by sexual health author and psychotherapist Douglas Braun-Harvey; the 6 Principles of Sexual Health are as follows:

Consent
Non-Exploitive
Honesty
Shared Values
Protected from STI’s/Unwanted Pregnancy/Emotional Safety
Mutual Pleasure

More will be revealed about these principles next week. Please stay tuned. :)

In the meantime, please feel free to read the blog post titled, “Sexual Health At The Methadone Clinic” dated 8/25/2024.

Much Love.

Be Safe.

Some Music That Inspired This Writing:

touchin’ me…..Chandler Leighton

Back That Azz Up…..JUVENILE, Lil Wayne, Mannie Fresh

Baby Got Back…..Sir Mix-A-Lot

Closer…..Nine Inch Nails

Aphrodite…..Sam Short

What’s Your Fantasy…..Ludacris, Shawnna

Dark Side…..Ramsey

Daddy…..Ramsey

Glory Box…..Portishead

Lilith…..Saint Avangeline

Strangelove…..Black Math

BlackBlueCoffee 1/4/26 BlackBlueCoffee 1/4/26

WAnderer

Wanderer. I know about the photographs from when you were a kid. I wish she hadn’t shamed you about it. I’ve known about the photographs for a few years now. You were just a kid. You needed guidance and understanding. I wish for both of us she hadn’t shamed you. You don’t need to be afraid to go Inward. Yes! It is uncomfortable at first AND that is where you will find your Answers; your OWN Compass. Remember, You Are Love. You Are Love! YOU ARE LOVE!!!