a great love or a great illusion—part 8 (Stopping point)

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I have always Loved you Wanderer. For many years, I just didn’t think about it because it was too fucking painful. I wanted you to have a good life. I believed for so long I would only drag you down, make things more difficult for you. I didn’t want to ruin any of your first experiences. I chose to believe that you got past your childhood crush. I was so consumed by my own pain. I felt like Poison. My pain blinded any possibility with you in it. 

During the synastry reading:

“Looking at both of your charts, he’s definitely your type”, the astrologer said. “His leadership abilities; your capricorn rising, very compatible. His north node is where your strengths are. Considering your Mercury and Venus is in the sign of Leo, on his side of things, it’s very receptive. Fertility issues wouldn’t be a thing for you two. If you chose to get pregnant, it would be easy”.

Hmm. Since I am firmly in my 30’s, I have felt worried about my fertility for the past several years. I felt relieved to hear about that. 

“However, there is an illusionary quality about him. It’s going to be very important that he chooses to lean into his north node in pisces, if he does not, the relationship won’t work well for you. If you do choose to have a relationship with him, it would be wise to think about how to protect yourself”. 

I know what she means. Patriarchy has so many strong influences. No matter what the intention of the relationship; if it’s meant to last for one night or an attempt at forever. The reality is, between men and women; women serve themselves well when they are aware of the potential for disaster. Communicate expectations, boundaries, make your own money; the list goes on. 

“Not going to lie. The kind of connection you two have, it never goes away.”

I thought about all of the interactions I have had with his Higher Self. If I have to live the rest of my life with his Higher Self imparting Wisdom and occasionally pissing me off; I can live with that. I have enough Strength and Stamina for that. 

After the reading, I gave myself time for reflection.

I texted Fairness?:

It is okay if what I have to share with you doesn’t make sense. Considering you have been friends with Stephanie for as long as you have; I know that there is a strong possibility that you will simply dismiss what I have to share with you. I have no control over that. You will do what you will do…..For quite some time, I have put off doing a synastry reading with mine and Wanderer’s charts. I have only guessed the time and location where he was born. I have a feeling if that is not exact, it is close enough. In this reading, I got more validation and confirmations from what I shared with you the last time I wrote you a long message. You are absolutely correct in knowing that Wanderer has a solid core belief that he does not deserve True Love. He holds tightly that he does not deserve to be seen and appreciated for who he actually is. I can relate, it wasn’t that long ago that I held that belief for myself for so long. People who hide in long-term relationships have always scared me…..it is the resentment, the dull, deep vacant Void…The Despair. That starved feeling…eventually….they lash out. People like that are frightening. 

Wanderer’s Higher Self has been such an impactful teacher for me. He continues to guide me. To remind me to keep up with strengthening my abilities. I cherish his guidance. This has been such an intense part of my Inner Work, working through the hundreds of years of hurt and pain from our past lives. Again, this Spiritual Awakening stuff is not for the faint of heart. I have been given glimpses of a future (a potential future, there are multiple of them) where after Wanderer does A LOT of Inner Healing, seeing a skilled therapist that will be able to see right through his emotional shut down and manipulative tendencies, healing and integrating his divine feminine and masculine qualities, Inner Child Healing…After all of that, I have seen/felt a future for us that feels Nurturing, Nourishing, Expansive….At Times Challenging….it would be a profound Spiritually Aligned Partnership. This future is ONLY possible if he does his work. I am unwilling to sacrifice myself for any relationship. I will not dim my light and play dumb like I have done in the past. That is done for me. Honestly, with my Venus and Mercury being in the sign of Leo, Wanderer is absolutely NOT the only person I could co-build a fun, passionate, deeply fulfilled Love affair/long-term partnership with. There are others…which are interesting to think about. 

I have so much to be grateful for. I am expecting A LOT of Expansive experiences this Summer and Fall. It’s gonna be fun!!!

Also, as I have been studying my birth chart, I for sure have a Witchy placement!!!! It makes me very happy. I have my Neptune (this planet is all about Spirituality, Dreams, Illusions) in my 12th House (that house is tied to Spirituality and Creativity). For sure I am a Witch! Makes sense, doesn’t it? I have always and will always want what is best for Wanderer. I hope he lives the most Soul-Aligned, Adventurous and Love-filled life he can possibly live.

There have been a lot of miscommunications over the years. It did not help that you were misled by my adoptive parents.

We trigger each other’s insecurities. 

What is also True is how I feel for you. I feel very deeply for you. 

I feel this Intense, Visceral Connection with you; it FEELS like we are Tethered Together. 

I feel like YOU are my HOME. I want to return HOME. I want to return to YOU. 

I Love You. I FUCKING LOVE YOU!!!!!

Some Music I Listened To While Writing This:

Take it from the starz…..Roman Nasenmensch, domi4wave

Hypnotized…..CASHFORGOLD, Tim Schaufert

Glass (feat. King Woman).....Mareux, King Woman

Bougie Bitch…..SMITH

Mad Woman…..Sevdaliza

Side Note: If you find yourself in the midst of a Spiritual Awakening; Welcome to the Unofficial Club!!! I know the early days of a Spiritual Awakening can feel maddening, confusing and exhausting. There are so many ego deaths involved. The unnerving questioning of Identity, questioning the meaning of this life, past life memories resurfacing, experiencing intense and energy draining Ascension symptoms, the list goes on. I know when I was in the early days of going through the Initiation of a Spiritual Awakening; I experienced confusion, loneliness, and a lack of direction. What I wished I had during those days was some kind of guide…maybe even a coach? A Spiritual Awakening Coach. That is exactly why I offer these kinds of wellness coaching services. I know how valuable it is to be able to talk about experiencing ALL of the kinds of experiences that come with going through a Spiritual Awakening. I understand the kind of peace one can receive when they get the support that they need. 

Also, if you find that you are at a crossroads with the relationship you have with your Sexual Wellness and have serious questions or qualms about it, working with a coach may be helpful. Again, I understand how participating within a working relationship, how working with a coach, can lend vital support around having clarity and ease within oneself over time. Working with a Wellness Coach to support you in understanding a core human experience such as sexuality can play a big role in Growth and Expansion. 

Working with a Spiritual Awakening Coach can be an essential part of one’s Soul-U-tioN.