Secretive Sex
Disclaimer
The information on this blog is not intended as a substitute for professional medical and/or mental health advice, diagnosis, or treatment. This blog is intended for informational purposes only. Any health concern must be assessed by a doctor or another licensed and/or certified clinician.
Considering that most of us experience Shame with our Sexuality; most of us experience Shame with our body; our physical Vessel; what happens? When we have not learned the tools to address these issues, we become secretive. We hide these core aspects about ourselves including from our partner(s). Because what if our partner(s) does not understand our Sexual Desires? We risk being Shamed, Ridiculed, Rejected; these experiences can feel too painful when we are not fully Integrated and in our own Alignment.
Here are some common secretive sexual behaviors that a lot of people who have NOT done their Inner Work typically engage in:
Compulsive Porn Use
Secretive Hook-Ups (especially when one or both involved in these hook ups are supposed to be engaged in a committed partnership/marriage—-this is really common. Or, the sexual interaction is considered Taboo in some way such as with a step-sibling, an elder that took on a family role such as “uncle” or “auntie”, ect.).
The use of dating apps with the goal of receiving those dopamine hits by engaging with and/or receiving attention from others with no desire to actually follow through on meeting with people in the material world. This is purely attention seeking behavior.
Flirting with other people when you are partnered and you know that behavior has a firm boundary and you still choose to ignore that boundary.
Paying for sex outside of the relationship when you have agreed with your partner(s) that is a boundary and you agreed to not cross said boundary. And/or this boundary is implied such as within a closed marriage.
Overriding the physical space of a minor; “accidentally” bumping into them and/or touching them in a way that is intentionally sexual and/or erotic.
Attempting to engage with creepy eye contact with a minor. You may not view this kind of eye contact as creepy; chances are the minor feels this behavior is definitely creepy. It is NEVER the minor’s responsibility to Reality Check the adult. It is ALWAYS the responsibility of the ADULT to hold themselves ACCOUNTABLE.
Talking about inappropriate sexual topics with a minor. There is intent to shock, impress or sexually arouse the minor.
These are just a few examples that immediately came to my mind.
Considering that one of the most common regrets of the dying (according to palliative care nurse Bronnie Ware; she wrote a book about these issues) is,
“I’d wish I’d had the courage to live a life true to myself, not the life others expected of me”.
Think of all of the Suppression that has to happen when people deny themselves Authenticity. This is a deeply painful way to live. The person living this way hurts themselves by denying their Authenticity; whatever we suppress leaks out in Distorted ways. And so, many people are hurt directly and indirectly when we deny ourselves Authentic Expression. Overall, it is a lose-lose situation.
For Example:
Let’s say Jim is in a marriage where monogamy is supposed to be practiced by both partners in that agreement. However, secretly, Jim has been harboring resentment towards his wife (who in his view has never satisfied him sexually, they are incompatible; he knew this while they were dating and before he proposed to his then girlfriend-turned-wife). In Jim’s paradigm he justifies stepping out of the marriage in order to get his sexual needs met because he sees no other option; his and his wife’s lives are entangled and he feels trapped and he cannot express his needs and desires to his wife. What Jim may not be aware of is how this can potentially make him Vulnerable to Manipulation, Blackmail or worse. Do you see how these kinds of secretive behaviors can snowball??? Jim’s affair started out as a zipless fuck (but since people are icebergs and we are lucky if we see 5% of a person, everything else is typically submerged in the subconscious), the affair evolved into a tense situation with high risk and high potential for exposure. And if his wife wanted to drag him through the mud for his infidelity AND if she had, let’s say, evidence of his infidelity; this could potentially be a very intense situation for poor, old Jim that could tarnish his pristine reputation as a “doting husband”. At the very least his hypocrisy would be revealed and that kind of exposure feels like death to Jim. Because at that point he may have no other choice than to look within himself (which he has avoided his whole life) and take a deep look at his tendencies for manipulation, gaslighting and other maladaptive behaviors. Which is the exact thing a lot of people avoid doing because it challenges their paradigm of themselves, their relationships and the World.
Also, a quick side-note about the gender dynamics in this scenario:
Often, boys and men are raised with ingrained beliefs of their right to pleasure and sex (not to mention a right to girls’ and women’s bodies) and girls and women struggle to have autonomy over their own body. For many women, as far as pleasure and understanding their own sexuality; this kind of self-awareness often gets neglected. These beliefs often stem from religion, the media, family of origin, the list goes on. What is also typical is that boys and men are allowed to experience Anger, Lust and Greed; and they are often denied any emotions outside of those 3. While girls and women often operate with more emotional awareness and intelligence. When it comes to sexuality and emotions within heterosexual relationships there is often a HUGE gap of relatability for both partners. People participating in these kinds of relationships where they are not able to connect because of the mentioned dynamics pay a HUGE price. Because who really wants to be consistently lied to, cheated on, manipulated and overall emotionally abused in any relationship?
And since Jim has more power within his marriage, not to mention the world (since we live in a patriarchal society) and since he has chosen to not instigate and lead his wife in having open conversations about their sex life and what he actually wants to experience in that part of their relationship; he has failed to lead his wife. Instead of leading with open, kind, patient, compassionate conversations about their sex life so both of them could be on the same page; he chose to act like a chicken shit and avoid that responsibility altogether. Ideally, he would have been able to instigate these conversations waaaaaay before they got married. Had they had these conversations when they were still dating; they either could have explored and co-created their ideal sex life together OR they would have realized that they just weren’t compatible, ended the relationship and moved the fuck on with their lives.
Another quick tangent: The Clitoris and the Penis. It is now known in the research and medical field that the Clitoris is a sexual organ that is designed ONLY for PLEASURE. The Clitoris has far more nerve endings compared to the tip of the Penis. And so when we think about cultural conditioning about who wants sex more and why; the cultural narratives are far more biased towards the male perspective, especially when these narratives are rooted in organized religion AND patriarchy.
Back to poor, old Jim: Jim has internalized a lot of ideas from other people including the classic Madonna/Whore Complex. Since a lot of this conditioning has been packed into his subconscious and he simply lacks awareness; it is so much easier for him to blame his wife for his shitty sex life.
When people are raising children, as a parent, what kind of parent do you want to be? Are you going to be hypocritical; where you say one thing but then do something else entirely? Are you going to Shame your child for when they have questions about sex and sexuality? If your child catches you doing something with someone that is not their mommy/daddy and your wife/husband/girlfriend/boyfriend/partner ect.; will you force Secrets onto your child thereby creating Trauma and Trust Issues??? As a parent will you be a Wise guide, being a support for your child as your child matures and grows? OR, are you going to be a part of their Trauma and Suppression of Authentic Expression???
As children we were likely exposed to confusing things when it comes to sex and sexuality. However, when we become adults it is OUR Responsibility to Heal OUR Wounds. No one is coming to save us. Every adult is Responsible for their Growth and Healing.
Okay, so we come to the realization that we need to unpack the beliefs and behaviors that only keeps us stuck. Where do we start with understanding our own sexuality better? And communication? And values?
Here is the current working definition (according to the World Health Organization) of Sexual Health:
“...a state of physical, emotional, mental and social well-being in relation to sexuality; it is not merely the absence of disease, dysfunction or infirmity. Sexual health requires a positive and respectful approach to sexuality and sexual relationships, as well as the possibility of having pleasurable and safe sexual experiences, free of coercion, discrimination and violence. For sexual health to be attained and maintained, the sexual rights of all persons must be respected, protected and fulfilled”.
One thing that might be helpful is learning about the 6 Principles of Sexual Health by sexual health author and psychotherapist Douglas Braun-Harvey; the 6 Principles of Sexual Health are as follows:
Consent
Non-Exploitive
Honesty
Shared Values
Protected from STI’s/Unwanted Pregnancy/Emotional Safety
Mutual Pleasure
More will be revealed about these principles next week. Please stay tuned. :)
In the meantime, please feel free to read the blog post titled, “Sexual Health At The Methadone Clinic” dated 8/25/2024.
Much Love.
Be Safe.
Some Music That Inspired This Writing:
touchin’ me…..Chandler Leighton
Back That Azz Up…..JUVENILE, Lil Wayne, Mannie Fresh
Baby Got Back…..Sir Mix-A-Lot
Closer…..Nine Inch Nails
Aphrodite…..Sam Short
What’s Your Fantasy…..Ludacris, Shawnna
Dark Side…..Ramsey
Daddy…..Ramsey
Glory Box…..Portishead
Lilith…..Saint Avangeline
Strangelove…..Black Math
