wanderer

Considering the intense and complicated nature of addiction counseling; while working in this field I have heard about so many sad, regretful, rageful, twisted, desperate experiences. And then there is the fallout of abuse that happens. Often, nothing is dealt with which only perpetuates the violence. That is especially rage inducing. I remember from back when I was still studying to get my associates degree. The thing about that degree program I participated in was that program did a really good job of preparing me and some of the other students on what we were going to be exposed to while engaged in counseling work. There are a lot of messed up things that happen to people, when they are younger, older, from all socioeconomic backgrounds. One of the tools that was used to help prepare us for what we would experience in our work were documented court cases. There was one particular court case that has stuck with me for all of these years. 

The case centered on a military couple. The wife and husband had hosted a party. The husband was the active military serviceperson, the wife not in the military. Very traditional roles as far as that goes. Anyway, this couple had hosted a party, and alcohol was served to the guests. At the end of the evening there was one male guest that had drank too much alcohol to drive safely. The couple invited this guest to stay the night in their guest bedroom. This couple had a young child. The couple and their child all  slept together in their family bed. Basically what happened was that the wife had woken up while their guest was raping her. This person had decided that for whatever reason he could impose himself onto this woman. During the trial, the wife was asked why she didn’t wake up her husband while she was being raped. The wife had shared that she had thought about doing just that but what would the fallout of that be? Had she woken up her husband, what would have happened? She was afraid if her husband woke up, he could go into a rage (justifiably so). But how much more violence would there have been if she had done that? She was afraid of escalating the violence and went straight into pleasing, placating, fawning mode so she and her family could survive that experience with as little violence as possible. That is what she had to do to protect her family at that moment.

It was really uncomfortable to read about this situation. I have often thought about that wife. Did her intuition about inviting this stranger into her home for the night go off at all? Did she want to tell her husband to not let this man stay in their home? Was telling her husband, “no”, even a possibility for her? Did she have to suppress her intuitive feelings because she didn’t want to be dismissed as “dramatic” or “hysterical” by the men around her including her husband??? I remembered how often I was told by my adoptive father how “dramatic” I was. Constantly dismissed. Over time I learned to not voice my feelings. The dismissal hurt a lot. The obvious threat to safety is a stranger breaking into your house. It is often the less obvious, the people you know, trust, love, admire, laugh with, that can also be a threat to safety. 

One of my takeaways from reading about this was that I was so grateful to NOT be a military wife. Grateful that would NEVER be my path. So many men, in the military in particular, are shut off from their emotions and their own instincts/intuition. When this happens, they are a liability for the children and women in their lives even when they are not the active predator. Since men have learned to dismiss their own intuition, their ability to protect gets compromised. When men learn to dismiss their own and everyone else’s feelings, they do not realize just how vulnerable that also makes them. Men are often a target for violence even when they don’t realize it, even when things appear safe. 

When I was 18 I read the memoir Jarhead by Anthony Swofford. For as long as I can remember I have been captivated by the shadow side of people. Anthony’s memoir was a thought provoking piece of writing that felt honest, uncomfortably and unflinchingly honest. The kind of honest that makes a person squirm quite a bit. When Jarhead was made into a movie I went to go see it by myself in the theater. 

There was a particular scene that felt especially resonate with me. The situation was where Anthony (Tony) was deployed overseas during the Gulf War. One of his buddies had received a VHS copy of the movie Deer Hunter from his wife. A lot of Marines gathered around to watch the movie. The movie started and abruptly a porn scene was displayed on the screen instead. At first everyone was excited, especially the Marine husband who had been sent the tape. But very quickly he continues to look at the screen and slows down. He realizes he is not watching porn. He is watching his wife being fucked by his neighbor. 

“That’s my wife. That’s my fucking wife. Fuck! That’s my wife! That’s my fucking neighbor, I lent him my fucking car! That’s my wife. THAT’S MY FUCKING WIFE! You Fucking Bitch! You Slut! Fuck!”

He becomes visibly distraught and is led out of the room by some comrades. 

“Fuck! I want to go home! I want to go home!”. He is led out of the room clearly distraught. 

“Who’s fucking around now Bryan?”, Bryan’s wife looks directly into the screen and raised her middle finger. The close up of her face. The Rage AND the Pain. When I saw that scene in the movie theater, it validated a lot of elusive stuff I felt into as a teenager but didn’t have the language and the certainty to know exactly what I was tapping into. I just constantly told myself I was just, “really fucking crazy”. My younger self did not realize that she could sense and feel into all sorts of thoughts and feelings from people. Emotions like rage and pain and sadness and lust…swirled around me constantly when I was with people most of the time. Sometimes I would unknowingly tap into some really intimate experiences from the people around me. At the time it was easier and safer for me to dismiss what I was experiencing. It did make being around people very stressful and a lot of work. 

Self-preservation is one reason why I have been studying sexuality all throughout my life. So many people are hurt and taken advantage of.

I am so sick and tired of men (and their underhanded, cowardly behaviors) being the consequence of my existence. I know I am not alone in this. It is the prevalence that is a part of the problem. 

My own journey of dissecting and dismantling a lot of distorted beliefs that were instilled in me at a very young age has had a lot of ups and downs. At times it's been very messy. For many years I wasn’t honest with men because men weren’t honest with me. It was more like; I will use you and you will use me until one of us bolts for the door. Both people not knowing how to be anything else. 

Wanderer, I know you have learned to compartmentalize so many aspects of yourself in order to survive. I can relate. From my experiences of being exposed to a lot of military men who appeared to be “oh so nice”, I know the kind of conditioning that happens in relationship to certain girls and women who “deserve” respect while other certain girls and women do not “deserve” respect. This is an illusion. This is apart of rape culture that we all internalize because it is fucking everywhere. Religion especially. Please follow your curiosity to identify just how deep this goes for you. Because it is so deeply rooted within you. With intention and compassion you can uproot this belief for yourself to help set you Free.  

Stay Safe. Much Love. 

There’s a Way Out of Here…..breathe.

Journey…..breathe.

Are You All Good?.....breathe.

Pretty Girls Make Graves…..The Smiths

take it from the starz…..Roman Nasenmensch, domi4wave

Like A Stone…..Audioslave

I’m Sensitive…..Jewel