wanderer’s phone call

Towards the end of Wanderer’s high school years, he started applying to colleges. The number one school that he most wanted was the Military Academy. Since my adoptive dad was an alum, he helped Wanderer to apply. During this application process Wanderer called our family’s phone number and left a voice message for my dad. We were living in Oregon by this time. I was the only one home. I heard the phone ring and listened to see who would leave a message. I listened to Wanderer’s voice as he left the message. I was so envious of Wanderer. He sounded excited! Enthusiastic!!! I had felt so numb for years, I didn’t know what true excitement and enthusiasm felt like. Someday, I thought to myself, I want to feel excited about something I am doing. I want that. I want to feel how Wanderer sounds when he’s talking about his plans. That sweet, beautiful boy. Wanderer is no longer that sweet, beautiful boy. He has internalized so much bullshit from the capitalist, patriarchal culture. He isn’t a curious person. He wants to so very badly to be right, even when he is wrong. He has grown into the exact type of person I avoid like the plague. And that’s really sad. On the outside, he looks perfect but on the inside he is all twisted up and confused. Lost little boy on the inside. He is at risk of perpetuating the same kind of violence, abuse and neglect that has been in his family line for generations. I hope he figures out his shit. I hope he is able to tap back into his authenticity and instincts. I know when he was a little boy, he did not dream of becoming the person he has become. He did not dream of maintaining family secrets for the sake of saving face and pulling him away from who he actually is and what he actually wants. I am also not holding my breath for his healing; even though he is a deeply miserable person, he looks comfortable. 

Wanderer is such a walking Liability. He doesn’t understand that he is psychic and how he impacts the environment he is in and other people. The military has documentation on just how psychic he is. He continues to bury his head in the sand. When he chose that cocktail mixer and held it in his hands, wishing I would give him my attention and love; infusing his wish into that bottle. He created a spell, a very potent spell. I drank some of it and believed that I was in love with him for years. 

Learning Astrology has helped me to save my life. Recently I have learned about one of the manifestation asteroids MakeMake. This asteroid is conjunct my Venus in the 8th house in the sign of Leo at the 29th degree. Basically my manifestation abilities are really fucking potent. Especially when manifesting through emotional and/or energetic bonds. Wanderer’s wife had shared their struggle with infertility on her social media. They struggled with infertility for a while, Wanderer gave my dad that mixer to give to me, I believed I was in love with Wanderer and thought about him everyday, especially when I was alone with myself for years. Wanderer took from me without my consent for so many years.  Wanderer is the exact kind of person I avoid like the plague. What he instigated with that mixer is this potent energetic bond between him and I. I know so much stuff about Wanderer that he doesn’t want me to know. I know about all of the inappropriate relationships in his life. I know how his mother views him and relates to him like he is her husband. So gross and sad and desperate. I know the perpetual lie he lives and has been living for decades. All of this deception takes a toll and has a very big PRICE. 

I find it to be incredibly sad. Not only when it comes to Wanderer but for boys and men in general. The men who also fall in line with patriarchy. The men who believe they are entitled to girls and women' s bodies. The habits that ultimately lead to their demise. The habits around porn use, paying for someone to touch them, paying for someone to fuck them.  These men do not realize how much they are being used by the system. Every lie and manipulation comes with a cost. It is no wonder that many men who are told that they are “winning” in this system wind up completing suicide in their later years. This is by design. 

By all intents and purposes I was supposed to be so desperate to be in a relationship that I would have been married for many years by this point. Like my adoptive mom. Like all women who fall in line with patriarchy. I have always questioned everything. I was constantly EMBARRASSED by my mom because of what she believed. Mainstream American beauty standards never have and never will make sense to me. Besides mainstream beauty is rooted in pedophilia. When she turned 18 she immediately got a nose job; to look more standard. I grew up listening to her opinions about my body, about my friend’s bodies, about other women’s bodies. She felt the need to narrate her thoughts about who she thought was “classically” beautiful (again rooted in pedophila). She was obsessed with superficial beauty and the male gaze. After observing my mom for so many years, her criticism, her judgement, her small mind; I am so grateful I am nothing like her. She can keep all of her assumptions to herself.  As a teenager, I didn’t often wear make-up or a lot of it. That was intentional. I didn’t want to be anything like this woman. She would tell me often how she spent so much time in front of the mirror as a teenager. I went in the opposite direction; I didn’t give a shit about the male gaze. I also experienced so much projection around me; from men, from girls and boys my age, from women. I felt unsafe because I was unsafe. I am so grateful to be 40 and to have grown into the kind of woman I hoped I would be. See right through the bullshit. 

I am so grateful I have released ALL of the toxic people from my life. I am so grateful I know I can trust my instincts. Knowing I can trust my instincts is one of the greatest gifts I have given myself in this life. I feel excited and enthusiastic for my future! I am in the process of creating! It’s exciting! I am excited to deepen my Astrology studies. I am excited to continue to strengthen ALL of my abilities. I am excited to travel the world and to continue to learn, ask questions and evolve. I AM The Greatest Love of My Life!!!

Much Love and Peace.

I wish you a good life. 

I am devoted to being a Good Witch. :)

Smells Like Teen Spirit…..Nirvana

Leviathan….Hunter As a Horse

Here’s To All The Ones…..Hunter As a Horse

rage…..yergurl

Hallucinate…..Fyfe, Iskra Strings

Aphrodite…..Honey Gentry

I don’t belong to this reality…..IXIK

Dear Mama…..Tupac

Shape-shifting…..Fifteen0eight

You Know You’re Right…..Nirvana

I Am She…..LALALOVE