shedding and rebirth: Part 4 (stopping point; for now)
The last day I was in Sedona I went on a Pink Jeep Tour to the Chapel of the Holy Cross. You know, it has been said that Pink is the color of Empathy. This makes sense to me. I’m so grateful I was able to squeeze in a tour like this and prioritize going to this Chapel, I felt drawn to this place like a moth to a flame. People from all over the world visit this site each year. People from all faiths and no faiths are Welcome into this space. At the entrance of the building, on the ground there is an image of a bird with its wings spread wide open. It looks Powerful. The Chapel feels Majestic. At the end of the Chapel there is a display of a giant cross with Jesus (Yeshua) nailed to it. I sat in one of the pews in contemplation; I thought about the Magdalene Lineage, Hathor and Isis. I thought about my life up to this point. All of the pain and suffering, the confusion and lack of boundaries; The Fear. I paid Gratitude to have the Knowledge and Wisdom I now have; I understand that with all of the Trials and Tribulations I have experienced in my life; it was in Preparation for me to be able to conduct my Soul-Aligned Work now. Being a Capricorn Rising and Ruled by Saturn is no joke. There have been many treacherous moments in my life. I Am so much more than what I was taught. We are all so much more than what we are taught. I rose from my seat and went to the end of the Chapel. I looked up at the giant image of the cross and Yeshua, I felt small and still relevant. I felt the Pain of Persecution. How it stings greatly. I observed how, at the base of the cross, there was a single Golden Rose with a nail at the base of the flower. I knelt down at one of the little singular prayer/meditation benches. I continued to pay my Gratitude to the Magdalene Lineage. As I got up from my meditation, my eyes landed on the Red candles. There was a sign requesting 5 dollars in exchange to light a candle to infuse a prayer/wish. I was prepared to make a wish for myself but at the last moment changed my mind. I looked at the sign with the prayer and quietly chanted, “As I light this candle, I entrust my loved one to You, Heavenly Father. Please pour out Your mercy, love, and grace upon them. Amen.” I thought about all of the boys and men of this world. My Heart aches for Boys and Men in a very particular way. Wanderer and The Child came to mind. I breathed deeply. In my mind’s eye I saw Wanderer and The Child. I focused on sending both of them Love and Healing, so much Love and Healing, as I chanted.
I have Always wanted the Best for Wanderer and I Always will. May Peace Be With You.
Wanderer. That boy I wanted to Protect, who is now a Father. He carries so much Pain in his Heart; his Heart covered in barbed wire. Whether he realizes it or not; he has taught me so much! I am grateful for the lessons. Those lessons have highlighted just how much Love I have to give. I AM LOVE. I had forgotten this long ago. I was stuck in Survival mode for so long. He has also taught me the importance of strong Boundaries. I have a lot of Love to give AND I am my own Protector. I am definitely not ALL Love and Light; in this World that just isn’t realistic.
As I was in the back of the Pink Jeep taking in the scenery, I felt into a Knowing. I have lived quite a few lives in Sedona. I smiled to myself as I remembered. I loved climbing the rocks and seeing as far as I could see.
The last night I noticed a postcard in my hotel room. Someone before me had left this postcard in the room. I took a closer look of Isis with her wings spread wide on the postcard, the night sky in the background, she is Golden. I read the back of the postcard:
“Isis (IS)
The Egyptian goddess unfolds her wings of protection over all who seek it. Linked with Sirius, she has great magical prowess and power. Wife of Osiris, mother of Horus, she holds the sacred ankh, symbol of eternal life. On the moon below her is Horus’ all-seeing eye.”
This postcard came from a local art shop in Mount Shasta, California. Another synchronicity! In my late teens and 20’s I spent some time at Shasta Abbey Buddhist Monastery in Mount Shasta. This was waaayyyy before my spiritual awakening. It was back when I would spoon feed myself spiritual stuff. Message received: I have a lot to learn from Isis, got it. :)
I was really happy that I forced myself out of my comfort zone and forced myself to attend the retreat. It was a very validating experience. So. Many. Synchronicities. There were a lot of women who attended the retreat and a handful of men. Throughout the retreat I would think to myself, “How can we reach the boys and men?”. They don’t realize just how much of a casualty they are of the patriarchy. So, how do we reach them?
One of my takeaways from the retreat was: Capitalistic Patriarchal Culture is the Ultimate Cult.
After returning home I found a teacher who helps people to strengthen their mediumship abilities. She is a self taught medium who makes sense to me. I appreciate her approach.
I continue to strengthen ALL of my witchy abilities.
At my 9 to 5, I had been working with this man for a while. He was a veteran and a father who struggled with alcohol. He had enlisted in the same military branch that Wanderer is an officer of. He had enlisted when he turned 18 in the hopes it would impress his father. It didn’t impress his father. He hated being in the military. In the time I spent working with him it was very clear to me that he really had no clue who he was. He really struggled to understand and accept himself while holding himself accountable to his own values. He was so confused as a person. In the last week of May, I was informed by my supervisor that he had completed suicide. I wasn’t surprised but it was still incredibly sad. He really struggled. He couldn’t be there for his children. He could barely function. He couldn’t give up alcohol even though he wanted to. I FUCKING hate how the military uses up the boys and men and leaves them more confused than not. It’s inhumane. So many veterans return to their communities and do so much harm because they don’t know how to deal with their own rage and vulnerability and so many people suffer because of it. How do we reach the boys and men? His passing freaked me out in part because it felt reflective of the premonition I was given of Wanderer completing suicide. I did not it handle it well.
Sunday, May 31st: I participated in a two hour online mediumship workshop. For some reason I felt underprepared and like an imposter. I told one of my partners, “I really struggle to receive”. I struggle to receive in all of the ways a person can receive. That workshop felt like work to me. For one of the exercises during the workshop the person who was doing the mediumship, they were to call in an ascended master for their partner and to convey the messages from the ascended master to their partner. I was partnered with an older man (he was the only man in the workshop). He seemed hesitant with his mediumship ability, relatable.
“I’m seeing a meadow. It’s by the sea. Somewhere in the Pacific Northwest. You’ve never been there”. I sighed. I knew who he was bringing forward. My adoptive mother’s father. Of course he would come forward during an ascended master exercise, he is that kind of arrogant. He was a terrible, abusive father and a terrible, abusive husband. He became a successful and fairly wealthy inventor. He hoarded all of the wealth. He used money to control people. He was a big fish in a small pond. In his legacy is so much violence and turmoil. When he died, people fought over his shit. Including my adoptive mom. By the time I met him he was such a cold person. I avoided him. In his retirement years he lived in Washington near the sea and designed and built boats. In his youth he had served in the military, fought in a war. He was a deeply wounded person who emotionally bled all over everyone. Expecting people to absorb his violence.
“Of course he would come forward during an ascended master exercise. He was such an asshole. He was a terrible father and a terrible husband”.
In the message that was conveyed, it was confirmed what I have known for a while AND I have absolutely no idea how I am going to do it. I know more growth and wisdom is required on my part. But basically one of the main things I am meant to do in this life is to help men heal. Which is daunting as fuck. On one hand it makes so much sense to me. I have worked with so many men and I understand why they are struggling so much. However, men scare me. They always have. I don’t know how I am going to do that. I don’t know how I can help them. I suppose more will be revealed in time.
I thanked my partner who gave me the message.
Monday, June 1st. In the morning while I was getting ready for work I was listening to this song, “Angry Johnny” by Poe.
It goes like this:
Johnny, angry, Johnny
This is Jezebel in Hell
I wanna kill you
I wanna blow you away
I wanna kill you
I wanna blow you away
I can do it to you gently
I can do it with an animal’s grace
I can do it with precision
I can do it with gourmet taste
But either way
Either, either way
I wanna kill you
I wanna blow you away
I can do it to your mind
I can do it to your face
I can do it with integrity
I can do it with disgrace
But either way
Either way
I wanna kill you
I wanna blow you away
Johnny (Johnny), angry Johnny
This is (this is) Jezebel in Hell
I can do it in a church
I can do it any time or place
I can do it like an angel
To quiet down your rage
But either way
Either, oh, either way
I wanna kill you
I wanna blow you away
I can do it in the water
I can do it on dry land
I can do it with instruments
I can do it with my own bare hands
But either way
Either way, you know where it stands
I wanna kill you
I wanna blow you away
Johnny (Johnny), angry Johnny
This is (this is) Jezebel in Hell
Johnny, oh, my Johnny
Where’d your pleasure go
When the pain came through you?
Where’d your happiness go?
This verse is running you around now
Getting you down now
Where’s your pleasure now, Johnny?
Where has your pleasure gone now?
Johnny (Johnny), angry Johnny
This is (this is) Jezebel in Hell
Johnny (Johnny), angry Johnny
This is (this is) Jezebel in Hell
Johnny, I wanna blow you
Oh, Johnny, away
Johnny, I wanna blow you
Johnny, everybody really it doesn’t feel okay
Johnny
I listened to it over and over again thinking about Wanderer. Thinking about all of the abusive men in my life, which is most of the men I have come into contact with. And the women who enable their abusive behavior.
I know how it is a family secret. The obsession he has in connection to me. He never got over his childhood crush. How he kept sending me gifts in secret. I had no idea he was giving me things. He kept giving me gifts when he was dating other women, hoping I would give him my attention. He gave me gifts after he got married, still wanting my attention. I was kept in the dark about that. I was manipulated. But not as much as Wanderer has and continues to be manipulated. His mom has a lot of evidence against him. If he decides to leave his marriage, his mom can make his life even more of a living hell. She has proof of his obsession. The text messages he texted to his mother in trusting confidence. She is blackmailing him to stay compliant. To keep the family secrets which goes above and beyond just me. That family system is sick and violent. Will Wanderer continue to perpetuate the violence onto his son? I hope not. But I don’t know either way. I just feel so sad when I think about Wanderer.
Anyway, Wanderer was very wrong about me. He has no idea who I am. He never cared that I actually am my own person. That I am a person. He has projected so much shit onto me that’s really about him. He has so much anger that actually stems from the neglect, abuse and manipulation from his mother and he projects that onto me. He has never actually seen me.
All I have ever wanted is to know myself. To learn how to LOVE myself.
I was on my way to work, riding my bike. I was turning to cross the street when I tumbled off of my bike. I landed on my back. I was wearing my helmet which is fortunate because my head made contact with the pavement. As I was falling, my upper left thigh got a little bit impaled by my bike handle. With my breath knocked out of me, I knew I was really hurt. My body felt confused. I felt my left thigh and saw blood. A lot of blood. And some of my fat from my thigh. I was on the street, in so much pain. Across the street a neighbor saw what happened and shouted, “Do I need to call 911?!”.
“Yes. Call 911!!!”, I shouted back. Strangers came to help me. There were several men and one woman who waited with me until the ambulance came. She pressed a towel onto the wound as we waited for the ambulance. As we waited, I realized I needed to call my work to let them know I would not be in that day. I got my phone and texted my supervisor that I was hurt and waiting for the ambulance. I remained calm. I texted my friend, Al, that I was hurt and I was being taken to the hospital. When the ambulance came I asked the paramedics if they could lock my bike next to a street sign so I could come back for it later. They did as I requested.
I was at the ER for most of the day. I had to get x-rays done. Turns out I did not break any bones. Grateful for that. I was afraid that something did break because of the pain, I was so relieved to hear I didn’t break anything. After the X-rays I was taken back to a room all by myself. It hurt to move. I didn’t have any cell service so I couldn’t distract myself with music or anything else. I am very injury and disease phobic. So getting injured like this was really hard for me. I hate the vulnerability. I hate needing other people. Really fucking hard.
As I waited for the doctor, I was on my phone in the notes app, I typed over and over again, “I am grateful for my strong, healthy, resilient body. I am grateful for my strong, healthy, resilient body. I am grateful for my strong, healthy, resilient body. I am grateful for my strong, healthy, resilient body.” Putting all of my attention and intention on my gratitude.
I was lying in the hospital bed needing to pee. How am I going to pee? I can barely move and I am afraid to move because what if I rip open the gash more by accident? Completely new to this situation. I felt overwhelmed. I eventually asked one of the nurses for help to use the bathroom. A couple of staff brought a contraption that was essentially a portable, basic toilet thing. They both helped me onto the toilet thing and I peed in front of complete strangers, accepting and receiving their help. All of the hospital staff were incredibly kind to me.
When the doctor finally came to clean my wound and sew it up I was relieved. There was some gravel in my wound, in my thigh. Progress. Forward momentum. As he was cleaning my wound I was reminded of all of the people I have worked with who would chronically inject substances into their body and had to deal with perpetual wounds that were difficult to heal. I remember hearing their stories of how inhumanely they were treated by the hospital staff. I thought about the day before, during the mediumship workshop when I had said, “I really struggle to receive”.
“I really struggle to receive”.
“I really struggle to receive”.
“I really struggle to receive”.
Fuck!
Now I have been cornered to receive.
This is so fucking hard. I noticed shame creeping in as I leaned into the help. I hate needing things. I hate needing people.
The doctor had a calm, grounding energy about him. He asked me what I do for work. I told him I actually work around the corner at an addiction treatment center in addiction counseling. We got to talking about addiction. How common it is. He shared how he has been impacted by addiction. I shared how I have been impacted by addiction. I enjoyed our conversation. It felt honest.
“So, does it look like a vampire bit a chunk out of my thigh?”, I asked.
“Yes. It does look like a vampire bit a chunk out of your thigh”, he replied calmly. I smiled to myself. A little dark humor.
“We’re almost done. You have 11 stitches. 4 dissolvable and 7 that will need to be taken out”. 11 stitches. 11 fucking stitches.
I was finally cleared to go home. I was given instructions on how to take care of the wound.
My friend, Al, picked me up from the ER. I am so grateful for her. I decided I was going to lean into receiving. I am a part of a book club with some people that went to the Sedona retreat. I messaged them the following request that evening:
Hey everyone. I have a favor to ask. Today I got into a bike accident. It was super weird. I wound up impaling the top of my left thigh with my bike handle. Luckily there was no oncoming traffic when I landed in the street. At first I didn’t realize how hurt I was. Then I realized I was bleeding quite a bit. A neighbor saw the accident and called 911. Several people stopped to help me as I waited for the ambulance. It was scary because of the shooting pain in my thigh. I wasn’t sure if I had broken anything. I got to the hospital, got some x-rays. No broken bones or fractures. I’m very grateful for that. I got some wound care which was a first for me. I will share that I am very injury phobic. I am a very cautious person, so dealing with this; the wound, the vulnerability; all of it is altering for me. My favor is this; please meditate, pray for a speedy and effective recovery so that I will heal efficiently. I have been instructed to make sure I go to the doctor to get the stitches removed one week from now. I am also wondering if it would be possible to say a collective healing prayer this Sunday when we meet at our regular time? Stay safe everyone. It’s Wild out there. :)
I took time off from work. In those first few days I couldn’t put on socks without shooting pain. I couldn’t walk up stairs without shooting pain. I had a lot of time to think and to read.
“I really struggle to receive”.
I need to watch my fucking mouth. Be more mindful with my fucking words.
I went to my chiropractor. I actually hadn’t been to see my chiropractor for care for many months because I let my work consume me. He was very caring and kind which I leaned into receiving. I figured one of the lessons of this experience is acceptance and to actively receive. As I was getting adjusted by my chiropractor I really noticed how much tension and pain I had in my body. I was instructed to come back later in the week for another adjustment.
I’m in a transitional period in my life. In the process of letting go of certain beliefs that do not serve me well. Becoming more aware that I don’t know everything. Trying to live up to my potential and highest timeline. I am living in my highest timeline. (Gotta keep up with those affirmations).
I know I am meant to claim all of my psychic abilities. I know I am a healer. I know I am a writer. I know I am here to help people Heal and Transform. I know I am here to help co-create New Earth. And so it is.
Sidenote:
I am going to delete this website on July 31st, 2026. I am grateful for all I have learned about myself and my Soul’s purpose on Earth so far. I remember the confusion I felt when I first created this website. I look forward to more Clarity and Insight. I look forward to traveling the world. I look forward to creating healing and transformative modalities that will impact millions and millions of people. I am grateful to be a Good Witch. Much Love. May Peace Be With You.
Angry Johnny…..Poe
rage…..yergurl
Addicted To Love…..Florence + The Machine
Haunted…..Poe
GRAVES…..SMITH
Moon…..Kanye West
Talk Show Host…..Radiohead
go steady…..TENDER
The Space In Between…..How To Destroy Angels
Papaoutai…..Stromae
Pretty Piece of Flesh…..One inch Punch
Touch Taste…..Ally Bakst
High Alone…..Sevdaliza
take it from the starz…..Roman Nasenmensch, domi4wave
Looking For The Answer…..Lllyric?
Hey Pretty…..Poe
Dead Stars…..Hunter As a Horse
Pieces Of You…..Jewel
Pretty Little Ghost…..Ally Bakst
darling u don’t make me want to stay…..Psylosia
These Boots Are Made for Walking…..Nancy Sinatra
Too late, all gone…..How To Destroy Angels
Shadow + Gold…..Torii Wolf
Circus…..Sandhouse
Bougie Bitch…..SMITH
We Belong…..Petra
I live for you, I can’t stay away…..Lllyric?, Skeleton Boy
You Were Meant For Me…..Jewel
You Were a Dream…..Artemas
Dissolve…..Sidewalks and Skeletons, CASHFORGOLD
Requiem in D Minor, K. 626: Sequence: VI.Lacrimosa dies illa…..Wolfgang Amadeus Mozart
Daddy…..Ramsey
Who Will Save Your Soul…..Jewel
The Fool…..Qveen Herby, THOT SQUAD
How Soon Is Now?.....The Smiths
Enjoy the Silence…..Depeche Mode
Eye…..Smashing Pumpkins
Girl I Love You…..Massive Attack, Horace Andy
Dissolved Girl…..Massive Attack, Sarah Jay Hawley
Roads…..Portishead
Let It Be (feat. Veela).....Blackmill, Veela
Look So Pretty…..Ally Bakst
the way you wait…..ILY ghoul
MARIE ANTOINETTE…..Qveen Herby
MAGIC…..Qveen Herby
Man’s World…..MARINA
Call Me The Witch…..luisa
I Honor Me (432Hz 528Hz 174Hz).....Good Vibes Tribe 11:11
IDIOTIC…..Kharii
Faery Queen…..Kiki Rockwell
Christian Woman…..Type O Negative
Wicked Game…..HIM
Something In The Way…..Nirvana
The Chicken is Naked and Afraid…..SOFIA ISELLA
You Know You’re Right…..Home Demo…..Nirvana
You Know You’re Right…..Nirvana
I Choose Me…..Amanati, Roniit
Hypnotized…..CASHFORGOLD, Tim Schaufert
Desire…..Libercio
Wear Me Out…..CASHFORGOLD, Sidewalks and Skeletons
Not Here For Fun…..Carrellee
I Forgive Me Too (432 Hz, 3,6,9 Hz Tone).....Good Vibes Tribe 11:11
A.L.O.N.E……HEALTH
Join Me In Death…..HIM
Om Shiva Om Shakti…..OLA_SUNRISE
Kiss The Flame…..Jewel
California Love-Original Version…..2Pac, Roger, Dr. Dre
GUILT…..Fifteen0eight
I Release (432Hz).....Good Vibes Tribe 11:11
Kiss from a Rose…..Seal
RUIN…..HEALTH
Leave Me When I Need You…..Lahra
Captain…..Carrellee
Ooh La La…..Goldfrapp
Feeling it All…..Mariah Manser
Hidden in Shadow…..Mos Elian
TRIALS…..HEALTH
Deja Vu…..supwel
Absolution…..MYXA
souvenir-Slowed…..supwel
Muse…..SOFIA ISELLA
Upon Meeting the Goddess of Love…..Jewel
Slow Love…..TENDER
Ringleader…..Public Memory
Stay Still…..Sarah du Lac, Rafael Eimut
Run…..NIKITAIDISYUDA, emi
Hello…..Poe
Hands…..Jewel
Beginning of the End…..Boy Deluxe
