Shedding and rebirth part 3
Disclaimer
The information on this blog is not intended as a substitute for professional medical and/or mental health advice, diagnosis, or treatment. This blog is intended for informational purposes only. Any health concern must be assessed by a doctor or another licensed and/or certified clinician.
“What’s around your heart?”.
“Barbed wired”, I responded to my therapist as I was sitting on my couch with a heated blanket. We were doing an exercise to help me to rewire my heart and brain for safety. I was being led in a guided meditation. This was about a week before I left for the Sedona. I am grateful for the therapist I found; she is aware of the impacts of energy and is familiar with astrology. I feel supported in this online working relationship.
I found a therapist who specializes in EMDR which stands for Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing, it is known as being especially effective for people who have been diagnosed with Post Traumatic Stress Disorder. I will highlight that since I had severed the relationship with my adoptive parents and weeded out other people who meant to cause me harm, the quality of my life and overall health improved considerably. Even though it was such a difficult situation to navigate at the time; I am so glad I have released the relationships that contributed to my anxiety and fear. Those relationships were great at keeping me small and afraid. This is one way that capitalistic, patriarchal culture reinforces itself. When people continue on with the illusion of their “happy family” and consent to the dismissal, manipulation and gaslighting that is normalized in those kinds of relationships; the current culture reaps the benefits of those situations. Safety is impossible when you are surrounded by predators.
“If you had one ability, any kind of ability, the sky is the limit, what would it be?” My therapist asked me as we were getting ready to close the session.
“I would be able to sprout huge wings and fly,” I responded immediately. “The wings are huge and black and sparkly,” I said with so much conviction. Not really sure where that came from. I loved the thought of being able to sprout wings.
In preparation for the Sedona-Rebirth retreat I had been meditating on the One Mother app, engaging with the heart-centered mediations. They helped me to feel centered and a little more okay in the world.
A couple of weeks before the retreat, the synchronicities started rolling in. Mariya came onto her Telegram account and left a message for everyone who would attend the retreat. She shared how our guides and angelics were prepping the space where we would be gathering and there was a giant white lotus flower hovering above the space (invisible to the naked eye). The synchronicity is when I was in my early 20’s, I had gotten a lotus flower tattooed on my upper back. I like the symbology of rising up through the muck and mud and blossoming into something stunning. I especially related to the muck and mud part. Anyway, Mariya invited us to meditate inside the flower as a way to prepare for the retreat. It was lovely.
The weekend before I left for Sedona I did an etheric wings workshop that is also on the One Mother app. Then I got embarrassed. As I was going through the workshop, which is no small feat because it is 4 hours long, as I was participating in the meditations; I realized my etheric wings were already partially opened. Since I don’t know what I am doing when I am working with energy, I typically follow my intuition and since it was during the beginning of the pandemic, when my wings had partially opened and I hadn’t realized it until I was halfway through that workshop. During the pandemic I was living downtown in Portland where a lot of chaotic activity took place. I was doing somatic exercises back then and did a lot of body based rituals and walking to the waterfront during the day most days. I also experienced A LOT of back pain for a while during that time. Inside the workshop, Mariya explained when the wings get activated, even just partially activated, people can experience back pain. When she mentioned the back pain, that helped me to realize I had unknowingly activated my etheric wings on my own back in 2020. Mariya also mentioned that the wings are often glittery. I thought back to what I had shared with my therapist about my wings. I laughed at myself and reminded myself that I am really fucking Powerful.
The weekend before the retreat I was at a local metaphysical shop with a friend. As I was looking at the crystals, a ring caught my eye. I don’t consider myself to be particularly interested in jewelry, rings especially, but for some reason this ring caught my eye. It was silver with a triangular greenish stone in it.
“Excuse me. Do you know what kind of stone this is?,” I asked the shop assistant.
“That is Peridot. It is connected to the heart chakra,” when she said that I knew this ring was meant for me. It fit my finger perfectly.
Later in the day I did some research about Peridot.
According to Google, Peridot is a, “vibrant, yellowish-green gemstone that is a gem-quality variety of the mineral olivine. Known as the ‘gem of the sun’ in ancient Egypt, it is one of the few gemstones that occurs in only one color, ranging from lime green to deep olive, depending on its iron content.
Geological Origin: Unlike most gems formed in the Earth’s crust, peridot forms deep in the upper mantle and is brought to the surface by volcanic activity.
Extraterrestrial Presence: It is one of the rare gemstones found in pallasite meteorites and comet dust, making it an ‘interstellar’ crystal.
Metaphysical Associations: Often called the ‘Stone of Compassion’, it is believed to promote emotional balance, reduce stress, and ward off nightmares or negative energy.
Chakra Alignment: It is primarily associated with the Heart Chakra and the Solar Plexus Chakra, representing love, willpower, and personal growth.”
I LOVE it! As I read the description of peridot my venus placement came to mind. My venus is in the sign of Leo which is a fire sign. I like to say my heart has been forged in Fire. :)
I experienced so many synchronicities while in Sedona. It also felt like such a relief to meet other people who are more tuned into energy. I had initiated a plan to meet up with some of the other participants the night before the retreat started as an ice breaker. We all met at a local pizza parlor. Altogether about 14 people showed up. It was lovely to socialize and to hear about other people’s experiences. How they discovered Mariya’s work, what year they discovered her work. The kind of experiences and synchronicities that tend to happen after doing meditations and portal rituals. It was lovely to meet some of the others before the retreat officially began.
Everyone was encouraged to wear all white to help amplify the meditations. For this retreat I bought two white dresses and two sweaters. The sweater I wore on the first day was mostly white with a little bit of red. I felt nervous about the red color because I didn’t want it to detract from the full effect of the energy upgrades but I still felt pulled to buy this sweater because of it’s retro style. The sweater has red and green cherry buttons down the middle and a red and pink heart with cherries on the upper left side. Very 1950’s, very cute.
I was walking into the venue when I heard someone shout my name.
“Phoebe! Good morning!”.
I turned around and saw Megan standing with another woman I didn’t know. I had met Megan the night before at the pizza dinner.
“You look so cute! That is such a cute sweater! Red! You know that Mariya went to Egypt not that long ago?”. I nodded. Since I watch Mariya’s youtube channel regularly I remembered that Mariya had shared that she and her husband Sergei had gone on a trip to Egypt. I was curious why Megan was mentioning this.
“So you must know about Mariya’s connection to Hathor! You’re wearing the color red. That is one of Hathor’s colors!,” she shared enthusiastically. And as she spoke, I realized this was a message for me. For some reason Hathor felt important to me, my intuition vibrated.
I thanked Megan for mentioning Hathor and my eyes landed on the other woman. She introduced herself and shared that her and Megan and a few others were talking about symbolism and cherries came up. The woman looked at me and said, “The cherries on your sweater. You’re the cherry”.
I chose my seat inside the venue. There were a lot of people, close to 100 people, for an introvert like me that is a lot of people. Since I have been healing from narcissistic abuse I am hyper sensitive to groups of people. I know what groupthink is and know how common it is within families and communities. I am also hypervigilant about avoiding cult situations. I am aware of the rampant toxicity that exists in some spiritual communities. And even though I have been learning from Mariya from a distance for years, and I don’t get cult leader vibes from her, I still felt the need to make sure I knew where all of the exits were, just in case.
Another reason I felt safe to participate in a retreat like this is everyone was responsible for getting their own lodging while at Sedona. Everyone was responsible for feeding themselves. I really liked that. I felt safer knowing that the hotel I stayed at was not connected to this retreat. That felt like a healthy distance.
The first day was long. We did several different journeys. The one that was the most difficult was the journey to the underworld. It was meditative and somatic. Mariya encouraged everyone to scream and shriek their rage throughout this journey. It got intense. There was so much rage and resentment that bubbled up. My own rage felt heavy in my throat and in my heart. I went deeply inward to my own underworld. Living in poverty as a child, going through foster care, navigating the world in the best way I knew how with very little guidance and care….I have seen and experienced so much fucked up shit. Since I was a young child I have been told how, “so mature you are for your age”. That is something adults say so they can justify their own negligence and exploitation. No healthy adult would ever say that to a child or teen. In my underworld I felt into so many memories. The fear. The desperation to feel loved and understood. Memories from the past several years came to the surface. Wander and his mother. My adoptive parents. My biological mom. All swirling around me. I felt into the memory of my adoptive dad giving me that bottle of cocktail mixer, not telling me it was from Wanderer. My dad watched me as I prepared a drink from that mixture. He was very comfortable deceiving me. Justified. My rage bubbled up. Consent isn’t something my dad is into. Turns out a lot of men just aren’t into consent. They’re more into power and control. The memories of me remembering multiple past lives with Wanderer. The early days of experiencing intense psychic experiences. That intoxicated, addictive feeling. The days, weeks and months I had texted Wanderer’s mother. Sharing knowledge in the hopes that she would come to understand that I was genuine with what I was experiencing. I really am a Witch. I really am a Psychic. And I sure as Fuck was NOT doing these things for attention. Give me a fucking break. Get your head out of your fucking ass. I remembered a vision I was given on April 5th, 2024. It was dark, twisted and not what I wanted to feel into. I saw Wanderer. He was alone. Deeply sad and regretful. His remorse was overwhelming, I thought I was going to drown in it. Then he completed suicide. He might have been in his late 40’s or early 50’s. I was so distraught when I was given this vision. For years I had hoped he was happy and healthy and well. Knowing what I know now is that his family system is sick. So much lying, manipulation, gaslighting, the list goes on for ages. Unfortunately this kind of “happy” family is normalized within patriarchy. Knowing how much he has lied, deceived, manipulated; it is not surprising he doesn’t like himself very much. It is not surprising if he doesn’t change his beliefs and behaviors he will die a sad and pathetic man. I felt into remembering this vision and how devastated I felt. How helpless I felt. I didn’t know what to do. I didn’t want to say or write about what I saw. It scared me so much. I just cried for about an hour or so. I was so afraid if I wrote or spoke of this outloud it would come true. This happened on April 5th, 2024. After I calmed myself down, I messaged Wanderer’s mom. I didn’t mention the vision. I sent her screen shots of the lyrics of “Gemini Feed” by Banks. And then the definition of “Gemini Feed” from Urban Dictionary. Gemini Feed: When two people have issues that they can both relate to but not fix, so they continuously feed off of each others’ depression and grief, making themselves worse. Commiserating together acts as a temporary solution that ultimately worsens both parties’ mental health. Then I shared a screen shot of an email I had gotten by Christina Lopes. This email had been sent to me on 7/11/2023; the title of the email was, “Feeling Overwhelmed, Empath? You’re Not Alone”. I had underlined the word Empath; hoping his mother could understand the seriousness. The heavy thing I wanted to convey without saying the words out loud. Then I sent her a screenshot of a Youtube video by Christina Lopes, the video was titled, “Why Suicides Are On The Rise [What To Do].
Then I sent her a text at 6:22 AM; “Please please please. Please please.”. I could not say directly what I had experienced, I was hoping her intuition would perk the fuck up.
Then I sent her a video from This Is Mariya. The video was titled, “Master Life Path Number 11: Strengths, Weakness, Challenges and Personality Are Explained”.
The final video I shared that day was from Youtube, Loud Wire Music, “Kurt Cobain’s Legacy, 30 Years Later”.
Here’s the thing about men. When they are conditioned to detach from their feelings aka emotions they detach from an internalized information system that is meant to be protective. All humans need to be able to tap into their emotions because emotions are LITERALLY INFORMATION. When this ability gets numbed out, distorted, whatever; people (men especially) lack not only empathy but their own intuition. Everyone is meant to have intuition no matter what their gender presentation is. When intuition gets fucked up people will naturally struggle with mental health. Because they cannot trust themselves. They get conditioned to feeling confusion most of the time. This is only one reason why men are really struggling right now. People are not meant to swirl around in confusion for long periods of time. Hence the violence.
I went deeper into my underworld. I was a young child. Playing with my childhood best friend. We were 7 years old. We were at her apartment. Her mom was out working.
Her Mother was a streetwalker, a prostitute, a whore; working all hours of the day and night.
We were playing in the living room. Her mother walked in through the front door. She brought in a customer. I remember his boots. They looked like boots for the kind of work where the labor was physically intense.
I remember how he looked. Tall, broad shoulders, chiseled jawline; I understood this man was regarded as handsome.
My stomach dropped. I didn’t like the way he looked at me and at my friend. I wanted to suggest going outside to play but I felt overloaded and unsure. I felt panicked. My friend and I both acknowledge the adults in the room. They went to the back of the apartment into a bedroom and shut the door. Let’s go outside. Let’s go outside. Let’s go outside, I wanted to say this out loud but I was scared. The energy felt heavy. Then my friend’s mom called her to the back of the room. My friend went to the bedroom. I heard her mother say something, I couldn’t hear what exactly was being said. Then I heard my friend start to cry, “I don’t want to! I don’t want her to leave!”. I heard her mother’s stern voice. My friend came back to the living room and told me I had to go. She was crying. I wanted to cry but held back my tears. I wanted to hug her but felt frozen. I walked out of the apartment. I knew why I was sent away. I couldn’t be a witness. I had heard about the rumors. About how my friend’s mom forced my friend to have sex with men. How my friend was raped often. We lived in poverty. These kinds of things were normalized. I knew there wasn’t anyone I could go to for help. I hated this feeling of helplessness and powerlessness. I FUCKING HATED IT!!!! She was only 7 years old. She was ONLY 7 years old! SHE WAS ONLY 7 YEARS OLD!!!!
I couldn’t Protect her even though I wanted to. I couldn’t even Protect myself.
Many parents eat their young in a variety of ways.
I was still in my underworld. I heard guttural noises and screams of rage all around me. We were purging. We were releasing.
For as long as I can remember I have held this belief close to my heart:
Men are not safe. It is dangerous and stupid to love men.
Here’s the truth that patriarchy doesn’t want people to know:
Men are not naturally aggressive.
Men are conditioned to be aggressive.
Men are conditioned to be emotionally inept.
Men are conditioned to be emotionally reactive and lack empathy.
I wonder what institutions benefit the most from this??? The for profit prison system, the pharmaceutical system, the alcohol industry, commercial sex (including porn) just to name a few.
Strip a person away from their own internal guidance system and surround them by overt and covert violence…and you have a society where men are committing 90% of all violent crime.
So many internalized beliefs are centered on their own Dehumanization which then gets projected onto the physical world, straight onto the shoulders of little girls, boys and women. Patriarchy doesn’t want you to consider the boys and men who also experience sexual abuse and assault.
Girls and women also contend with many attacks on their intuition but for some reason, it is more difficult to completely strip women of their innatepower. A lot of women are still able to stay tapped in even when they experience a lot of self-doubt. Women have far more strength than people realize.
I went even deeper in my own underworld. Personalized hell. My body was vibrating. Some other realizations came forward for me: This world is dependent on people not trusting their instincts. When people do learn to trust themselves and reclaim their sovereignty there are many challenges that come with that initially. Releasing the beliefs that no longer align, the people who expect obedience and compliance, the lying, manipulation, the gaslighting. Deep in my underworld my adoptive parents came through. I was so afraid when I first met them. They appeared to be nice. I was in such a scary place. They offered a safe home. They appeared nice. After meeting with them a couple of times, my instincts about the wife and husband were: She was a bored, spoiled housewife who needed another project to make her look good. He was just another creepy man. Time and experience has proven that my instincts were spot on about both of them.
I now understand just how karmic my relationship to my adoptive parents was. I was meant to experience and deeply understand how families under patriarchal rule are inherently unhealthy and distorted. On a basic level people know it is not normal for adults to want to fuck children…and yet…under patriarchal rule…..I now understand how my Intuition has been so accurate over the years. I took note of what I felt, kept it to myself and every single time it was proven to be right, I remembered. But we are taught to not trust ourselves. And then Trauma does the rest. Many harsh lessons in exchange for Wisdom. I spent soooo much of my energy dimming my light in the hopes of avoiding rape. I still wound up raped. When you are surrounded by predators it is impossible to protect yourself. That is why I have prioritized my safety as much as I could as I was growing up. I spent a lot of time alone, by myself. All of my life I have wanted to be safe. That is why it is so important for me to make money, so I can create the safety I crave for myself and the people I love. Safety. Safety. Safety.
Wanderer. He has fucked with my Peace. He has fucked with my Autonomy. Before you make assumptions, I am not interested in revenge or any ill will towards him. I am well aware of the scared, insecure little boy he is on the inside. I already know he has co-created the Hell he currently lives in. That is revenge enough; I don’t have to lift a fucking finger.
He is a selfish, arrogant Motherfucker who is so ignorant he doesn’t understand just how ignorant he is. Embarrassing. Colonizer. Hypocrite. Stupid, Insensitive Prick. He has become the type of person I have ZERO respect for. He needs to stay the fuck OUT of my life.
He needs to resolve his Maddonna-Whore complex. By the way, I am the kind of woman who sucks cock when she wants to, not because she is cornered or pressured into sucking cock. You will never know what it feels like to have my warm, slippery tongue slide up and down your cock; to kiss and lick the tip of your dick. You will never know what that feels like.
I cannot handle the vapid, cold VOID he has on the inside.
Sometimes I want to hurt him, I really, really do. I won’t. The fact that I want to cause him harm feels like poison in my veins. That kind of want hurts me too much. It’s not worth it. He’s not worth it.
He’s a Liar, Cheater and a Hypocrite. A military officer who went to a fancy school. He sneaks around behind his wife’s back. He cannot tell his wife how he actually wants to get fucked. And as far as making sure she is actually cumming when they do have sex??? Wellll….???....What a “real” man.
The truth is, when we were kids, when he saw me he also saw himself. He saw the part of him that was scared, lonely and felt unloved. As he got older, when he saw me, his ego convinced him that I would be soooo grateful for his energy and affection because of how successful he looks. He convinced himself that he could “save” me. When the reality has always been and will always be; he needs to figure out how to SAVE himself.
As the journey to the underworld came to an end for that day in Sedona, I came back to my breath, to my physical body. We took a break. I drank some water. Processing what I felt and experienced. Processing the energetic downloads.
I went outside to the balcony and stared out into the massive red rocks. Breathing in and out, slowly, intentionally. Grateful to know I am the kind of person who will always honor her boundaries and self-trust. As far as I am concerned there is no other way to be.
The last journey we did on the first day of the retreat, March, 18th, 2026; we did a dance journey. Everyone went outside to the patio, it was a tight fit but Mariya led us on an interesting dance meditation. She encouraged us to stomp, to stamp out the remaining pain, anger and resentment. As we were doing this dance meditation a song came on, a song I was very familiar with; the song I was hearing was a cover of the original. As I was hearing and dancing to this song I thought about all of the men and absent fathers I have encountered. The vacancy they embody. I listened to the lyrics. Everytime I heard the word, “papa” sung, I felt into the anger and hurt. The hurt hurt hurt.
“Dites-moi d'où il vient
Enfin je saurai où je vais
Maman dit que lorsqu'on cherche bien
On finit toujours par trouver
Elle dit qu'il n'est jamais très loin
Qu'il part très souvent travailler
Maman dit "travailler c'est bien"
Bien mieux qu'être mal accompagné
Pas vrai ?
Où est ton papa ?
Dis-moi où est ton papa ?
Sans même devoir lui parler
Il sait ce qui ne va pas
Ah sacré papa
Dis-moi où es-tu caché ? Ça doit
Faire au moins mille fois que j'ai
Compté mes doigts, hey
Où t'es, papaoutai ?
Où t'es, papaoutai ?
Où t'es, papaoutai ?
Où t'es, où t'es où, papaoutai ?
Où t'es, papaoutai ?
Où t'es, papaoutai ?
Où t'es, papaoutai ?
Où t'es, où t'es où, papaoutai ?
Où t'es
Quoi, qu'on y croit ou pas
Y aura bien un jour où on n'y croira plus
Un jour ou l'autre on sera tous papa
Et d'un jour à l'autre on aura disparu
Serons-nous détestables ?
Serons-nous admirables ?
Des géniteurs ou des génies ?
Dites-nous qui donne naissance aux irresponsables ?
Ah dites-nous qui, tiens
Tout le monde sait comment on fait des bébés
Mais personne sait comment on fait des papas
Monsieur Je-sais-tout en aurait hérité, c'est ça
Faut l'sucer d'son pouce ou quoi ?
Dites-nous où c'est caché, ça doit
Faire au moins mille fois qu'on a
Bouffé nos doigts, hey
Où t'es, papaoutai ?
Où t'es, papaoutai ?
Où t'es, papaoutai ?
Où t'es, où t'es où, papaoutai ?
Où t'es, papaoutai ?
Où t'es, papaoutai ?
Où t'es, papaoutai ?
Où t'es, où t'es où, papaoutai ?
Où t'es
Où est ton papa ?
Dis-moi où est ton papa ?
Sans même devoir lui parler
Il sait ce qui ne va pas
Ah sacré papa
Dis-moi où es-tu caché ? Ça doit
Faire au moins mille fois que j'ai
Compté mes doigts, hey
Où est ton papa ?
Dis-moi où est ton papa ?
Sans même devoir lui parler
Il sait ce qui ne va pas
Ah sacré papa
Dis-moi où es-tu caché ? Ça doit
Faire au moins mille fois que j'ai
Compté mes doigts, hey
Où t'es, papaoutai ?
Où t'es, papaoutai ?
Où t'es, papaoutai ?
Où t'es, où t'es où, papaoutai ?
Où t'es, papaoutai ?
Où t'es, papaoutai ?
Où t'es, papaoutai ?
Où t'es, où t'es où, papaoutai ?
Où t'es”
This cover was done by Chill77. The original of “Papaoutai” was created by Stromae. Stromae became an intensely popular musician in the 2010’s. He has traveled all over the world and has performed in many arenas for his concerts. He is not only a talented musician but a powerful story teller and lyricist. Not only that, but I have always appreciated his questions on supposed cultural gendered norms and stereotypes. His own father was absent in his childhood and wound up killed in the Rwandan genocide in 1994. Stromae is a rebel through and through; a thought leader. The fact that a cover of one of my favorite songs of all time played during this dance meditation was yet another synchronicity. Another message.
Papaoutai…..Stromae
Tell me where he comes from
At last I’ll know where to go
Mommy says that when you look hard
You always find something
She says he’s never very far away
He leaves very often for work
Mommy says, “Working is good”
Better than being in bad company
Right?
Where’s your dad?
Tell me where’s your dad?
Without even having to talk to him
He knows what’s wrong
Oh beloved dad
Tell me where you’re hiding
I must’ve counted my fingers
At least a thousand times (Eh)
Where are you? Dad, where are you?
Where are you? Dad, where are you?
Where are you? Dad, where are you?
Where are you, where are you? Dad, where are you?
Where are you? Dad, where are you?
Where are you? Dad, where are you?
Where are you? Dad, where are you?
Where are you, where are you? Dad, where are you?
May we believe it or not
There’ll be a day we won’t believe it anymore
One day or the other we’ll all be dads
And from one day to the other we’ll disappear
Will we be hateable?
Will we be admirable?
Just passing on genes or geniuses?
Tell us who gives birth to these irresponsible people?
Ah, tell us who?
Well? Everyone knows how to make babies
But no one knows how to make dads
Mr. Know-It-All must’ve inherited it, that’s right
Maybe you need to wing it or something?
Tell us where they’re hiding
We must’ve counted our fingers at least
A thousand times
Where’s your dad?
Tell me where’s your dad?
Without even having to talk to him
He knows what’s wrong
Oh beloved dad
Tell me where you’re hiding
I must’ve counted my fingers
At least a thousand times (Eh)
Where are you? Dad, where are you?
Where are you? Dad, where are you?
Where are you? Dad, where are you?
Where are you, where are you? Dad, where are you?
Where are you? Dad, where are you?
Where are you? Dad, where are you?
Where are you? Dad, where are you?
Where are you, where are you? Dad, where are you?
With the first day of the retreat completed I went back to my hotel room. I reveled being alone. It was exhausting being surrounded by people all day. I was relieved to be in my own silence. I researched the goddess Hathor.
Hathor is the mother of Ihy. Ihy is known as the God of Music and Dance. Hathor is an Ancient Egyptian Goddess associated with Love, Joy, Beauty, Music, Motherhood and Fertility and is also known as a guide to the Underworld for those who have transitioned from this material world. She was also considered as the divine mother to pharaohs. In addition to being the ultimate protector and nurturer of women.
Music-Dance-Death. Music-Dance-Death. Music-Dance-Death.
My favorite myth about Hathor is that she had gotten sick and tired of man kind’s bullshit and violence. She transformed into the bloodthirsty lioness Sekhmet, she went on a murderous rampage. The other gods were afraid she would demolish ALL of humankind in this murderous rage she was in. The Destruction of Mankind. So they tricked her into drinking beer with red dye and told her it was human blood. After drinking this potion she passed out and transformed from the lioness back into the Joy Loving Goddess. Reading about this myth: RELATABLE. There have been many moments in my life where I have felt pent up with rage and violence myself.
While researching Hathor I looked at my birth chart. Holy shit! My Mercury and Venus is in the sign of Leo in the 8th house. Leo is symbolized by the Lion. It is also a Fire sign. 8th house is all about death/rebirth, the unseen, the taboo, and shared resources. I have the ability to communicate with the dead. So many synchronicities with Hathor. I understood I am meant to learn from her. Grateful for the message. She is often depicted as a cow and/or a blend of cow/woman creature. I laughed to myself. My life just has so much irony to it.
I remembered the first time I met Wanderer’s family. He wasn’t there the first time. I had met his mother, step father, his brother and his step sister. I don’t know why Wanderer wasn’t there the first time. My hunch is he was very enthusiastic to meet me because he had seen a photo of me and for some reason that was important to him. He was such a sweet and sensitive boy. His interest in me would have felt weird and scary to me. It would have been intense. Obviously now I know we have known each other in many lifetimes. Anyway, my adoptive family and I were traveling through and my parents spent some time visiting with Wanderer’s family. We had dinner together. After dinner all of the “kids” went outside to play. I was 13 at this time. The brother was just 1-2 years younger, the sister a few years younger than me. Anyway we were all playing outside and it didn't take long for child cruelty to set in. My body type has always been some kind of curvy, thick, plump; definitely never skinny. In the months that I had been living with my then foster family, I had lost about 50 pounds. Considering all of the trauma around my body I had experienced, I was very sensitive about my body. So when Wanderer’s brother and sister started making fun of my body; my heart sank. I wasn’t surprised by their dipshit cruelty. They were dumb spoiled kids anyway but their words still hurt. They compared my body to a cow. One thing about me is I don’t make excuses for people when they are blatantly rude to me. I stopped playing with them and went back into the house. I didn’t say anything about the rude comments to the adults. I wasn’t interested in bringing attention onto me. I didn’t want to bother anyone or make things worse. But their cruel words really did hurt my feelings. After that visit I became more guarded around those kids including Wanderer. I didn’t trust them. Here’s another odd synchronicity: Wanderer is a Taurus Sun. The bull. This is his Vitality. I thought about Taurus the Bull and Hathor the fierce Cow Woman/Goddess. That’s curious. Wanderer is such a fucker.
To Be Continued….
Papaoutai-Afro Soul…..Chill77
Papaoutai…..Stromae
I’m Not What Happened To Me…..Good Vibes Tribe 11:11
Night Bell-Arizona…..Kerala Dust
Untitled-Or the Evening Redness in the West…..Kerala Dust
Hold on to Me…..Furkan Sert
Limitless…..Mariya
Aphrodite…..Honey Gentry
mary magdalene…..FKA Twigs
Go To Bed Now…..Hunter As a Horse
Teen Idle…..MARINA
The Family Jewels…..MARINA
Feel It All Around…..Washed Out
Boy On A Leash…..Patriarchy
Lose My Breath…..Rhea Robertson
Traumatize…..Draeko
Golden Light…..STRFKR
Man…..Yeah Yeah Yeahs
Gemini Feed…..BANKS
like you’re god…..mehro
Everybody Supports Women…..SOFIA ISELLA
PROSTITUTE…..Labrinth
Apology…..Dana Dentata
Muse…..SOFIA ISELLA
Goddess…..Hatchrr, Deathrose
SHUT YOUR DAMN 95.7892…..Labrinth
Mirror…..Carrellee
Mismatched & Contradictory…..Pria
Twinkle, Twinkle Little Star…..Jewel
Pieces Of You…..Jewel
