shedding and rebirth part 2
Disclaimer
The information on this blog is not intended as a substitute for professional medical and/or mental health advice, diagnosis, or treatment. This blog is intended for informational purposes only. Any health concern must be assessed by a doctor or another licensed and/or certified clinician.
FuckFuckFuck!
I was feeling so much Fucking Rage. And I did my best to suppress it. I just felt too busy to think too much about it. All my life it's been go-go-go. And that is what I kept doing. Always feeling pressure to show up and figure it out as fast as possible.
I had known I had outgrown my career as an addictions counselor for many months by the time December came around. It has been a struggle to manage fatigue, chronic pain, Intuitive hits, figuring out the deal about Wanderer (just another god damn trap) and life in general; I knew how trapped I felt at work. I was just so fucking busy trying to survive. I struggled with showing up. Some days my body just wanted me to bolt from the building and it takes so much will for me to complete the work day.
Days leading up to Christmas were difficult. On December 23rd I did my usual Boundaries group therapy session. Except on this particular day I accidentally forgot the group guidelines. The group guidelines are reminders of what is expected in terms of respectful and safe behavior. Plus, when I began handing out the materials I was noting how many new people were in this group. Realizing I had forgotten the group guidelines, I tried my best to keep going.
“Okay, so I’m handing out an overview of different types of boundaries from therapistaid.com”.
“Who are you?”, I heard a male patient say. I felt the hostility radiating from him. I wasn’t a fan of the way he was looking at me.
“Ah, yes. My name is Phoebe. I facilitate this group. I’ve been working here for over a year. And my areas of expertise are sexuality in recovery and relationships. Who are you?”. I was aware my tone was aggressive and on the defense but I struggled to catch myself. I was feeling into this man’s energy and it was awful and abusive; likely this person gets off on hurting others. I always struggle working with people who feel perfectly justified by harming others. It really pisses me off. This group session did not go well. I had intended to email the director of operations (my supervisor was on vacation) about how that group session went but felt pressured to go to the next thing. I always feel pressure to work quickly.
As I got further into the month of December, I felt all used up; depleted and resentful. I fucking hated everything and everyone. I hated this job. I hated how trapped and stuck I felt. I hated that I had to end so many relationships because I had so many people around me who wanted to use and abuse me to their benefit. I wanted to pull an Eleven and make everyone go away (Stranger Things reference).
In January I received an email. This email informed me of an investigation that was being conducted about my professional conduct.
Fuck! Am I going to get fired??? Even though I felt frustrated with my career I didn’t want my counseling career to end like this.
I went to the investigatory meeting. There was a union representative there for my benefit. The meeting started out with my supervisor communicating the complaints that came from a couple of patients from December. It was uncomfortable. I felt embarrassed. Towards the end of the meeting I shared I had written a statement with my perspective with how things unfolded in a couple of group therapy sessions from December.
“Will you please give us a moment?”, the union representative asked. My supervisor, the operations director and the head of human resources stepped out.
“It is advised for people in this situation to not give more information than necessary,” she said warmly.
“I understand. I still want to share what I wrote”.
The meeting resumed. I shared my statement.
My Statement
“On 12/23 for the Boundaries group I had forgotten the group guidelines for this group which was unfortunate timing considering there were multiple new patients in this group who had no reference in how I typically facilitate groups. As I was explaining the check-in prompt, Ben directly asked me who I was. The way I perceived Ben’s question was contemptuous and I immediately felt defensive. I introduced myself while feeling annoyed with myself having forgotten the group guidelines as I was scanning the room and noting so many new people. This made me feel very nervous. At some point I heard Ben say, “I want a new counselor” out loud which increased my anxiety. I continued with the group, trying to mask the anxiety I was feeling. I handed out an overview of boundary types from therapistaid.com. At some point I heard a patient tell me directly that I was, “making this stuff up”, I responded, “I am not making this stuff up” and moved on. I felt very nervous and accidentally disclosed some personal information about myself that I had no intention sharing. It was a moment of verbal vomit that felt humiliating. I was relieved when the group finally ended. I had meant to check in with management about this group, however, I felt very stressed about completing my tasks and got caught up in hypervigilance as I finished that work day. This was also a 3-day work week for me so I felt extra pressure to work quickly. Also, the handout from therapistaid.com; my intention with giving this handout was to be helpful. I realize as people go through the curriculum, some people may get flooded with the information. Also, many people are consistently coming and going from that group. My thinking with this handout is that it could be a helpful frame of reference that describes different boundaries in a succinct way; short and to the point.
When I was a newer counselor here, about a couple of months after I began working here I had a tense experience in a group which inspired me to put together a packet of group guidelines which also highlighted gas lighting as emotional abuse, qualities of healthy relationships and core beliefs and how core beliefs operate in the subconscious mind; all with the intention of building up a frame of reference for these concepts since awareness of these experiences is foundational in recovery. After implementing these group guidelines, the groups I facilitated going forward were typically more structured, calmer and cohesive.
The supervision that happened in January. When Maria brought forward the grievances from December 23rd. I was immediately flooded with shame. Professionalism is one of my core values as a counselor and being reminded I had forgotten about seeking supervision on the 23rd filled me with shame. I had intended to connect with management at some point about that group but I kept forgetting. I had wanted to try to catch her while she was in her office; what I should have done was send her an email about wanting to talk about what happened in the group.
Getting the notice for this meeting forced me to think about the events that led up to this. What I have realized is that I have a lot of work related trauma that I haven’t dealt with as well as some personal issues that I need to deal with. I am currently actively looking for a therapist to support me in this. Ultimately, I have been attempting to force myself to push through burn out which hasn’t been effective. And lately I have been my own worst enemy. All of this has only turned up the volume on the chronic pain and fatigue I have to manage.
Upon taking some time for reflection, what I have realized in more depth is a core belief that comes up from time to time. Which is, “I am all alone” paired with the pressure to work quickly; I have made some mistakes. And since this core belief is sneaky, it has taken me a while to pin point it, again.
I would appreciate some guidance on how to best make amendments to the patients I have offended. I would really like to apologize and take accountability for the harm I have caused.
My plan of action on improving performance:
Using the group guidelines from the outpatient handbook at the beginning of every group.
Implementing a reminder on the calender to review/follow-up/sign supervision note.
Go to therapy.
A note about curriculum:
Considering the widespread use of social media and AI and how that can impact a person’s ability to think critically paired with addiction issues; what I have found to be helpful for some patients I have worked with in the past are sources such as therapistaid.com and heartmath.org. Offering these as resources has the potential to help empower people to seek their own answers when they are not at treatment. I also reference the work of Dr. Gabor Mate when it is relevant to the group discussion all in the hopes of planting seeds.
Overall, I know I can do better. I want to do better.”
“Thank you. We figured this was your perspective. We appreciate your statement”, my supervisor stated.
The meeting ended.
That whole experience was stressful. Generally speaking I prefer to slip under the radar, especially at work. I also pride myself with embodying professional conduct. This whole experience was a wake up call for me. I began looking for a therapist immediately.
January 24th:
I watched an episode of Next Level Soul podcast with Matias De Stefano. Matias remembers ALL of his past lives. As someone who has had to cope with past life memories and has been left wondering, what the FUCK is the point of remembering stuff from past lives; I needed to watch his episode. I took notes. The following is what Matias shared from a conversation he had with his guides about remembering past lives that he shared in this episode:
“Because you remember the pyramid through the love that you felt, but the people that were there learning with you; what the pyramid was, because nobody remembers things just because of information. You remember things because you FEEL things. So you need to remember the emotion of those people or those situations you were in, in order to access the information that you knew in that moment”.
Emotions are information.
You remember things because you FEEL things. So you need to remember the emotion of those people or those situations you were in, in order to access the information that you knew in that moment.
Listening to him share this perspective was helpful for me. I have felt resentful of having past life memories because this life has been traumatic enough. This life is hard enough, then I get EXTRA work?! Watching that episode helped me to feel less alone with more perspective. And there is a purpose to recalling past life memories, there is a point.
By early February I found a therapist who specializes in EMDR which stands for Eye Movement Desensitization Reprocessing therapy. In my mid-20’s I was diagnosed with PTSD by a mental health therapist I saw for a time. As someone who has gone through the foster care system, only the naive would be surprised that I would have this diagnosis. Although I do believe that the majority of “mental issues” is due to a hypervigilant nervous system along with other factors like engaging in tumultuous, abusive relationships and being unable to break fear based cycles of belief.
February 14th: I went to a dungeon for an introductory workshop into BDSM. One of the aspects of kink and BDSM that I really appreciate is making NO ASSUMPTIONS. Explicit communication is key which requires all participants to relate to each other as equals. As a teen I realized that it was up to me to develop the communication skills I needed in order to fully participate in sex. I didn’t want to wind up raped again. And I did not want to wind up being a creepy, exploitative adult. No thanks. Pass. Whatever we suppress leaks out in distorted ways. Whatever we don’t deal with leaks out in distorted ways. Princessa Natasha Strange led the workshop. It was fun! I bought her book, Kink For The Curious: A BDSM Activity Book For Beginners; I devoured that book. I appreciate how she shares her experience and wisdom in that book. Attending that workshop helped me to fully accept my FemDom qualities. I also observed how comfortable I felt in a professional dungeon. This wasn’t the first dungeon I’ve been to; I did notice that being in this space felt good. It was noteworthy. Mundane, everyday life can get so fucking boring. One of the greatest things about kink and BDSM is the playful aspect that is a part of it. I truly believe if adults stayed in touch with playfulness, the world would be a kinder and more creative and abundant place. When it comes to BDSM, it’s basically adult playtime.
As a woman and the fact that I insist on Mutual Pleasure in the kind of sex I experience, communicating my needs, limits and preferences; knowing how I approach sex isn’t considered to be normative. I am considered not normative because I want to fully participate in the sex I experience. I am considered queer because I have insisted on building up my frame of reference and NOT being passive, meek or docile when it comes to my sexuality. That’s fine; I do not mind being queer. More orgasams for me!
It’s so bittersweet. I have changed and reclaimed parts of myself over the last several years and if it hadn't been for Wanderer, that wouldn’t have happened. What is also true is he is really fucked up in the head. Not a safe person. I know a lot about Wanderer. There are many things about him I wished I didn’t know. It is what it is.
For years he gave me gifts I didn’t know were from him. When we were teenagers, I knew he would get older and go to college and meet other people who are like him. Having gone through the foster care system, I was naturally tuned into the people who merely tolerated me out of being polite and “politically correct”. The second people found out a little bit about my past, it made them uncomfortable and judgy. Having the ability of being able to feel into strained bullshit helped me to filter out a lot of people. There are a lot of people I am not compatible with and that has been okay with me. I didn’t waste time crying into my beer when I realized certain people didn’t like me, I was too busy living my life. So, Wanderer kept giving me gifts for years. My parents gave me the gifts on his behalf.
Then 2021 happened. My dad gave me that cocktail mixer. Wanderer’s intentions/wishes for my attention were all over and inside that bottle. I used that mixer to make a few drinks. When I saw where it was made and knew Wanderer lived pretty close to that city, I stopped using the mixer, I got a weird feeling. Which is fortunate for me because Wanderer had bewitched that mixer.
Both of us had forgotten about our Magickal gifts. I remember more about my abilities now and will forever be on the path of my Higher Self. Wanderer still doesn’t believe, yet. He is still too busy burying his head in the sand. He doesn’t understand that he is very psychic. Intention matters. Thoughts matter. And when he held that bottle while wishing I would look at him, speak to him, acknowledge him; he charged that bottle with his wishes. And it worked. What I wish he understood is when he gave my dad that bottle with his wishes infused; that is the metaphysical equivalent of putting rape drugs into another person’s drink.He believes himself to be such a “nice” guy.
After receiving that “gift” from my dad/Wanderer, I got an intense intuitive hit about Wanderer and that was the flood gate that opened for me that will never close. That bottle wound up being my catalyst for reclaiming my Authenticity. Very bittersweet for me.
Fall of 2021 was a very confusing time for me. I felt Wanderer’s energy all around me. At times his energy felt amazing and at other times his energy felt demanding and constraining. I was being told that Wanderer was “happily” married but I felt his energy everyday. ConfusingConfusingConfusing.
And since I live my life leading with curiosity, what once confused me, no longer poses questions in my mind. I know what I know because I trust in my Intuition and in my ability to learn and integrate new information about the world and how this universe functions. I am unwilling to stay stunted in my perspective because of fear.
If Wanderer were to go to a professional astrologer for a synastry reading comparing my and The Child’s birth charts, Wanderer would learn that energetically, I am also the mother of The Child. Every time he was inside his wife and thought about me…that had consequences and impact.
In 2019, Wanderer, still hopeful, went to a burlesque showcase I performed in. He went with his brother and sister in law. I wasn’t wearing my glasses. I didn’t even see him. Full of his own assumptions, he assumed I rejected him. I didn’t even see him.
I don’t think it was long after that that his then girlfriend who he later married became ill with a chronic illness. He doesn’t understand how he impacts people.
Wanderer and his wife struggled with infertility for a few years.
In 2021, I received the bewitched bottle. I couldn’t stop thinking about him. It was fervent. I often felt Wanderer’s energy around me for years. Then I found out The Child was born. The second I saw the photo of The Child, my crown chakra tingled, it was activated. My energy immediately recognized The Child even though it took my conscious mind a little longer to catch up.
Wanderer is such a sad person.
I wonder if he has figured it out yet. That his mother would never approve of us being together. She never wanted us to be together in the first place. The fact that he is attracted to my body is a direct insult to her ego and her own unresolved mommy issues. He is very receptive to his mother’s controlling tactics.
I remember when he was a little boy. A Heart Full Of Love. He isn’t that little boy anymore.
I am no man’s moral center. Fuck no.
If Wanderer were to go to a professional astrologer and get a synastry reading with my and his birth charts he would discover there is a lot of red and tension. To me this represents the blood that has been split between us over many lifetimes.
All he is to me is another lesson. Another person to overcome. Just another person who wanted me to be trapped, stuck, small, meek, docile. I will take my lessons and move the fuck on. Keep moving. Keep GROWING and EXPANDING. So many people have inspired me to be NOTHING like them.
If only he knew. If only he knew about the kind of hell I had to tolerate as a child. Would he still accuse me of being a Spoiled Bitch??? If he knew how my siblings' father would throw darts at my baby photo for fun. How terrified I grew up of that man who lacked so much empathy. He was consumed by his own pain; there was no room for anyone else.
If only he knew about the Fear and Depravation and Poverty and Hatred I grew up around. How all of those experiences fed into my low self-worth. If only he knew. Then again, maybe he does know. Just Apathetic. Wouldn’t surprise me.
It may be his karma and dharma to be a shitty father; like he’s been a shitty husband and a shitty boyfriend before that. He may be the Obstacle that people need to Overcome. Maybe that’s his purpose??? Maybe he is meant to suck at relationships? Like my adoptive dad.
He doesn’t need to deceive people to make them like him. He simply doesn’t see his own Beauty. So much Pain.
Wanderer and I are very similar, far more similar than he realizes. Wanderer and I are also very different. I value Authenticity and Freedom; I have a long track record that backs this up. He values Manipulation, Gaslighting, Dismissal and Controlling Others; he has a long track record that backs that up. He doesn’t understand how he is used as a tool.
Hurt people hurt people. Until they learn to Integrate their Shadow. For someone who is as intelligent as Wanderer is, he is incredibly short-sighted.
All of the wealthy and “powerful” men in the world who have created so much wreckage, pain and suffering. Who lean into Fear and Intimidation; Chaos and Control. Because they, themselves, are Disconnected. They FEEL Unloved and Empty. THEY cannot self-soothe; nurture and love themselves. They have forgotten they are Love. They FEEL like the scared little boys they are on the inside. It is precisely that Vulnerable feeling they attempt to HIDE, desperately.
They believe scarcity is real.
The Perfect Girl…..Mareux
Suffocation…..Crystal Castles
Daydream In Blue…..I Monster
Hot Blooded…..New Constellations
Oblivion…..Grimes
Zombie…..The Cranberries
Wicked Game…..Chris Isaak
I Follow Rivers…..Marika Hackman
A Girl Is A Gun…..Lllyric?
The Stings Of A Poet…..Lllyric?
Picture Perfect…..Draeko
Left Aside…..Lllyric?
Pull Me In…..Labrinth
Two Weeks…..FKA twigs
Fukk Sleep (feat. FKA twigs).....A$AP Rocky
Stillness…..supwel
WAP (feat. Megan Thee Stallion).....Cardi B.
Blue Light Hunter…..Jahrund
Another Life…..Jadu Heart
I don’t belong to this reality…..IXIK
