A great love or a great illusion? Part 3

Disclaimer

The information on this blog is not intended as a substitute for professional medical and/or mental health advice, diagnosis, or treatment. This blog is intended for informational purposes only. Any health concern must be assessed by a doctor or another licensed and/or certified clinician.

On Monday while I was at work, I called my dad during a break. 

“Hey, I’m just wondering if you read my email?”, I inquired. 

“Yeeesss.” He sounded playful. Why?

“I know it sounds kind of nuts. But I just felt compelled to write that just in case. Is Wanderer okay???”. 

“Yes. You know, Wanderer and his wife have a very unique relationship. They’re both very unique”.

Okayyyy, not sure where this is going.

“Wanderer has always been a little different. He’s a great guy. You know, he and his wife are planning on being in the area during the holidays, we could all meet up for dinner…”.

“Nooo! I just—”. He repeated how Wanderer is a very unique and special person. Then he said, “It’s okay if you feel a connection with him”. Which I thought was an odd thing to say. I wanted to firmly say no to this invitation because I was not expecting that. This was a surprise. I immediately felt embarrassed. My dad reassured me it would be okay. I reluctantly agreed to this loose plan. Besides, it would be a few months out anyway. I figured, it probably wouldn’t even happen. I was just sooo relieved that my dad didn’t dismiss me. That was a huge relief. 

Months went by. I stayed focused on work. 

The meeting with Wanderer and his wife did not happen. Which I felt relieved about. I was not interested in that kind of meeting; how could it be anything but awkward? 

Also, I still felt a sense of concern for Wanderer that I was not comfortable with. This concern for him felt very misplaced. I don’t even know this guy. Why, all of a sudden, I am constantly thinking about him? This situation made me feel trapped and suffocated at times. 

It did not help that both of my parents were acting odd. They were a bit jumpy for some reason. They were both very supportive of me trying to gain understanding about my abilities. Although sometimes, I could sense the boredom pouring from my mom. Like, she was over the fact that I was attempting to better understand how I receive and perceive the world in order to get a better handle on it. In order to master it. 

As the months went by, past life memories started resurfacing, all of them reflecting past experiences with Wanderer’s soul. With many of these memories there was a disturbing pattern. The memories were from many different past lives and in a lot of those lives I experience a gruesome death. I get strangled by intensely wounded men. When these memories came through for me to process, my neck was actually sore for a few days. It was wild. Also, in every life that I was murdered, Wanderer is left behind and he never gets over the death. It’s a devastating repetitive pattern.

Also, my parents were doing weird shit. It felt like they were trying to talk me into getting sucked into a relationship. It felt like they were trying to brainwash me into converting into someone I am not, someone who is Desperate to be in a relationship. That also felt suffocating and it highlighted just how much neither one of them sees me as I actually am. It brought a lot of resentments to the surface I had been harboring over the years. 

I could feel Wanderer’s energy around me which felt like a roller coaster.

I also had this sense that I was being cornered into something. It was very blurry back then but I remember feeling erratic. 

Then it was December. My dad had planned a birthday celebration for my mom. It was very thoughtful. It was at a local wine bar place. A lot of my mom’s friends attended the party. I asked my mom if Fairness?, Wanderer’s mother, was going to attend. My mom informed me that she couldn’t make it due to traveling for work. I was relieved that she wouldn’t be there, I would have felt awkward around her.  

So, for the past several months my energy was divided between my work and understanding my Intuition more completely. But the thing that was really coming to the surface for me was my long held resentments towards both of my parents. They have always placed so many of their assumptions and fears onto me. For so long I felt responsible for their feelings and got caught in the habits of pleasing and appeasing. Which really goes against my soul’s natural programming. Just not into it. 

During my mom’s party, I was carrying all of these resentments. It was at the forefront of my brain. When I arrived at the bar, I immediately made sure I had a glass of wine to help soothe my nerves. I was enthusiastically chatting with the bartender. He was charming and entertaining. I remember really enjoying the lively conversation, I was laughing and having a good time which also helped to soothe my nerves. Then my dad abruptly interrupted the conversation and redirected me away from the bartender. I felt like he was trying to control me which pissed me off. I had another glass of wine. And another. And another. And another. By the end of the night I was very drunk. I hadn’t gotten drunk like that in many months. When I decided to work as an addictions counselor I had let go of drinking alcohol; at first, it was just an experiment, then I realized I am much better off without it. 

At the end of the evening, I was in the back seat of the car. My dad was driving, my mom chatting. My rage and resentment was at the forefront. I don’t remember what I said to my mom, I do remember the intention was to be hurtful and mean and I remember hearing her whimpering. Then I closed my eyes and stewed in my resentment. 

I continued living my life. Still feeling Wanderer’s energy around me and feeling intensely conflicted about that. Neither one of my parents brought up the supposed meeting with Wanderer and his wife. While I was relieved that those plans had fallen through, it was still confusing that there was no open conversation from either one of my parents about this change in plan. I felt like the best thing to do was to write another email to both my parents.

I felt the need to share what my experience was like when I had received that intuitive hit concerning Wanderer: 

Da and Ma, 

I wanted to tell you about this experience but I feel too nervous to say it out loud. It is about the night I thought I had Covid and the email I sent to Da on the 10th. 

At first, I thought I was sick but eventually, I realized I was having some sort of intuitive hit. 

It felt like a sensory overload. Physically, I was short of breath and my body felt buzzy and hot. Then something came through to me, it felt like I was on a fast merry-go-round and like some sort of energetic download. What came through was Wanderer–Frustration–Time; Wanderer–Frustration–Time; Wanderer–Frustration–Time. Over and over again. Then, I heard the words, “I don’t care”, on repeat. 

I tried to ignore this for a few hours but it wasn’t going away and it felt violent inside my body. I could not ignore this and it was physically, emotionally, and spiritually very painful. 

What I also felt was an overwhelming concern for Wanderer.

When I couldn’t take this anymore, I decided to start writing that email. That was when this energy started to lift slowly. It took a full 24 hours for that energy to leave my body. The concern I felt for Wanderer has lessened but it has not gone away. I still feel very concerned for him which is very uncomfortable for me. 

The only thing I know for 100%, is that energy came to me, not from me. I don’t know why this energy came to me or where it came from. 

Since I started working as a counselor, I have been slowly accepting the reality that I am more tuned into energy and I have experienced things that are not considered normative, that are difficult to describe. 

Realizing that weird shit kept happening, over the past few years, I tried to accept that I might experience an intense intuitive hit. I expected this would happen when I physically share space with another person OR with a person I have a close and intimate relationship with. 

I did not expect to experience an intuitive hit about someone I haven’t spoken to in over a decade.

This has increased my anxiety a bit. I’m not sure how to cope with this other than I have to be more diligent in strengthening my body and mind so I can deal with this stuff better. 

The resurfacing of my intuitive gifts is very bittersweet for me. Up until I was about 10 or 11, my intuition brought me comfort. But then I noticed that other people didn’t seem to experience this world in the way that I do and it scared me and that is when I started to actively suppress and deny my intuition and being tuned into energy; even though stuff would still come through. Very confusing. 

I felt I needed to communicate this to you because I know if just kept this to myself, it will only increase my anxiety and it is also a relief to let other people know about these experiences, so I can feel less alone in this. The people I have close relationships with need to be aware of this because I am tired of feeling the stress of hiding this. I just don’t have the energy to do that anymore. 

I’m still on the lookout for some sort of spiritual, intuitive mentor. I also know I might not get that. There are a lot of crackpots claiming they have some sort of intuitive powers, not interested in dealing with that kind of crazy.   ;)

I want to stress that I don’t think my intuition makes me “special”. I believe a lot of humans are meant to be tuned into intuition and energy but our culture separates us from our mind, body, and spirit; it is no wonder so many people are disembodied. 

Life is weird. 

My mom responded to the email suggesting that I should call Fairness?. I was receptive to this because I felt like she would be the perfect person to talk to about this. I was very keen on figuring out how to read energy so I can live my life more fully. Because my Intuition felt like it was lit on fire. I felt safe talking to Fairness? about this odd situation. 

She listened to my concerns and shared that his wife copes with a chronic illness and he recently took time off from work to take care of her. She was calm and grounding. I really appreciated that she was open to having an odd conversation like this. I figured, that is why I had tapped into his energy. His concern for his wife. I remembered from our adolescence how strongly he felt about things. It did not surprise me he would be able to step into a caretaker role. I remembered from when we were kids, he expressed his belief that being married is “normal”; I also felt into his wanting of this. After he made that comment, I remember thinking, “But being married makes it hard to get away. Easy to get trapped”. 

During this conversation with Fairness? I told her I felt like Wanderer and I are Soulmates. I remember how she kinda sounded taken aback from this statement. The subject was quickly changed. Later I texted her to clarify what I mean by the word “Soulmate” because I understand how this word has been dressed up in a Hallmark-like fashion and totally over used in a romantic, narrow way. When I said the word “Soulmate” I just meant being compatible with another human (or humans) on a soul level. Friends can be soulmates, family members can be soulmates, sometimes, even work colleagues can be soulmates. 

At some point I had decided to message Wanderer via Facebook Messenger. I felt it would be useful for him to have more understanding of my perspective. I sent the last couple of messages in February of 2022. 

I don’t know if you are reading these messages or not. Either way, it feels important to reach out. When I was 25, I was having an especially hard time. I was really depressed and unable to control my crying. So I went to therapy. I saw this therapist weekly for about 4 months. I was adamant about making progress as quickly as I could because I so needed to feel stronger emotionally. I did a lot of healing during that time. One of the things that came up was that last visit I made with my mom and when you and your siblings took me to that play. I described that memory to her. At that time, I was 18 and had recently decided to end my relationship with my biological mom. And while I do not regret making that decision, it was a very difficult thing to do. A lot of people who get divorced from their spouse get counseling and sometimes medication (drugs!) to help with that life transition. I didn’t get any guidance or support, not what I actually needed anyway. With making that decision to cut her out of my life, my main take away from that experience was that I was defective and undeserving of love or happiness or peace. REALLY depressing. So when I described that night you guys took me to see that play to my therapist, the way I described it was, at the time, I assumed you guys were just trying to be nice to the poor, sad, weird foster kid. She asked me, “Why is it so difficult for you to let people take care of you?”. Ouch. Being confronted with that question was a very painful thing to hear. I suppose I very much internalized the idea that I was just a pain in the ass and not worth much at all, a lot of self-loathing. This is something I am still working on. It is a difficult thing to let go of, if that makes sense. Anyway, it feels important that I share that with you. Hope you are well. :)

The final message I had sent him:

So I realize how super random me messaging you has been. I acknowledge that. It is not a habit of mine to message people from my past that I don’t know well. I tend to mind my own business so I can live my life and figure out my own answers. In the last several years my intuition has steadily grown stronger which can be super great especially when I can use it in the work that I do but it can also scare me when I don’t understand it. Very definitely a double-edged sword. I consider myself to be a skeptic and very secular-minded so things like intuition and spirit and otherworldly concepts are absolutely not something I consider myself to be an authority on. Recently I have been deeply processing on what it means for me to sense energy and be intuitive. At this moment, I feel the most at ease and comfortable with this extra sense since I’ve been a child and that feels like a gift. 

I want to highlight I expect skepticism. I am very much a skeptic myself and I don’t know how I would receive a message like this from someone I don’t know well. Because, at the very least, what I am about to share with you can make a good story. :)

I am 99% certain we have both lived lives before this one. What I think I experience are some residual knowings about these past lives. The first is very abstract. It is more like a deep, intuitive knowing. In this life, we had a relationship; there was attunement and a deep appreciation for each other. But there was an intense and violent force outside of our control that ended it. It could have been a natural disaster, an accident, war, I am not sure of those details. But I can feel the love from this past life, it was a nourishing kind of love. The other past life has shown up as a story. Since I was about 19 or 20, I have had this story running around in my head and I have had moments where fragments of this story have felt more like memories. Parts of that story feel more like a memory than they did before. It could be in the 1800’s or in medieval times, I’m not quite sure when in history this took place. But in this life, I am a young woman on a journey to find her sister who was kidnapped. It is a very long journey that took years but it felt longer because of the harshness of the world and circumstances. In this life, I’m not sure what you are exactly, some kind of protector? A knight? A healer? I’m not sure, those details are fuzzy. But in this life, we form a friendship and you make sure I am protected when you can not be physically close. We form a deep bond in this life.

Like I said, at the very least, this makes a good story…or a boring one. ;)

I have always had intuition and up until I was about 11, I didn’t question it. When I realized that most other people don’t experience this world in the way that I do, I started to suppress and deny it because by comparing myself to other people, I got scared. 

When I first met your family, you weren’t there. During that first visit, I remember very vividly that the reason you weren’t there that time was because of me somehow. That could be my intuition or it could be my narcissistic, depressive, self-loathing, I don’t know. But I remember thinking that my presence there was the reason for your absence. Then I dismissed that thought. When I was 15, 16 my mom showed me a holiday family photo that your mom had sent. When I saw you in that photo, I felt I had known you before, which immediately made me feel very uncomfortable. It was quick and it felt like it triggered my intuition which scared me. And then, going forward from that experience when I had to interact with you and your family that made me feel even weirder. And then I was 18 and at that time and for many years after I was completely preoccupied with figuring out how to heal myself from trauma. Which has been so long and confusing and lonely and frustrating. Even though my parents had good intentions, they were (and apparently still are) very clueless about the ramifications of chronic trauma and how that fucks up thinking, brain development, the nervous system, everything really. 

But I wonder if the curiosity you had about me when you were a teenager, if apart of that was some kind of transference from our previous lives? Its all so mysterious and wondrous. Gets the imagination flowing. :)

Please know that my intention and hope with writing this is to offer a broader perspective, more understanding. I’m not even sure if that is what you need. I don’t know for sure but my intuition is backing this up and I am learning to trust it more. :) Reaching out like this might just be really selfish on my part. I’m not certain about that one way or another. 

I hadn’t known that you had gotten married. I first learned about that this past summer when my parents mentioned you had a wife. When I unfriended your sister, I made a conscious effort to stop looking back and to focus on what was right in front of me. So, I had stopped lightly cyber stalking you. ;) I learned a lot about myself when I was in Portland. This pandemic has really brought forward my intuitive gifts and now I am at a point in my life where I can no longer ignore it but to process it and understand it to the best of my ability. I know I will always abide by my ethics and attempt to do no harm. It is my intention to be a Good Witch.

I had sent him multiple messages giving him my perspective. He didn’t message back when I wrote to him. That was okay because I figured he would receive those messages when the time was right. 

To be clear, writing to him was very uncomfortable for me. When I was 18, I very much believed I would never see him again. What I could imagine for his future was him going off to college, meeting a “normal” girl and getting  married. He would get over his childhood crush. He would forget about me and be better for it. Besides, I had zero interest in getting trapped. Because, let’s face it, most relationships are a slow burn, poisonous Trap. 

Soon after I had sent him that final message. A strange situation happened. I received another intuitive hit.

What I felt was a euphoric feeling. The impression I received was seeing him alone and…I’ll just say, it was made obvious to me that he was thinking of me, what I heard him say over and over was, “I love you I love you I love you I love you I love you”.

The feeling of euphoria that flooded my body was intoxicating, never felt anything like that before. 

Then I felt depressingly sad because that means he still thinks about me. The exact thing I didn’t want for him. 

To be continued…..

Some music I listened to while writing this:

lost dream…..arya x

hide…..(midnight edit)

pay for you…..psylosia

Run…..SMITH

wet dreams…..Artemas

No good…..Asal

Aphrodite…..Sam Short

Side Note: If you find yourself in the midst of a Spiritual Awakening; Welcome to the Unofficial Club!!! I know the early days of a Spiritual Awakening can feel maddening, confusing and exhausting. There are so many ego deaths involved. The unnerving questioning of Identity, questioning the meaning of this life, past life memories resurfacing, experiencing intense and energy draining Ascension symptoms, the list goes on. I know when I was in the early days of going through the Initiation of a Spiritual Awakening; I experienced confusion, loneliness, and a lack of direction. What I wished I had during those days was some kind of guide…maybe even a coach? A Spiritual Awakening Coach. That is exactly why I offer these kinds of wellness coaching services. I know how valuable it is to be able to talk about experiencing ALL of the kinds of experiences that come with going through a Spiritual Awakening. I understand the kind of peace one can receive when they get the support that they need. 

Also, if you find that you are at a crossroads with the relationship you have with your Sexual Wellness and have serious questions or qualms about it, working with a coach may be helpful. Again, I understand how participating within a working relationship, how working with a coach, can lend vital support around having clarity and ease within oneself over time. Working with a Wellness Coach to support you in understanding a core human experience such as sexuality can play a big role in Growth and Expansion. 

Working with a Spiritual Awakening Coach can be an essential part of one’s Soul-U-tioN.