BlackBlueCoffee 7/2/24 BlackBlueCoffee 7/2/24

I Belong to myself

Disclaimer

The information on this blog is not intended as a substitute for professional medical and/or mental health advice, diagnosis, or treatment. This blog is intended for informational purposes only. Any health concern must be assessed by a doctor or another licensed and/or certified clinician.

I have been on a quest to understand myself for as long as I can remember. Trauma is what spurred this mazzy search for myself. I understood, even as a young child, that I had to develop an intimate relationship with myself. People come and go. Sometimes, the biological family you are born into ; you will not know them by the time you are in your mid-20’s. They are a memory, sometimes a nightmare. Distant distant distant. It is for the best. Not meant to be forever. Everything changes. What is birthed must also die, in one way or another.

Beginning with one family; stepping into another family; only to see and feel and finally realize their own brand of Dysfunction and Denial. Justifying their criticisms, stating, it is for my own good, for my growth. Ignoring their own accountability for what they brought into the relationship.

Fuck that shit.

I make no room for people who believe they have a right to claim their supposed superiority over me.

Fuck that shit.

For years, I was achingly aware that I was hanging by a thread. Not feeling like I belong anywhere. Feeling like a burden no matter what. For years, I tried being “good”, not flinching when they stepped on my toes. I was afraid my pain would be too much for them. Turns out, they really didn’t care.

Through all of those experiences and more…I have come to understand that I belong to myself. Through all of the foggy confusion, the searing pain, the loneliness and the will to carry on. I belong to myself. I know myself. I trust myself. And I wouldn’t have it any other way. All of the Inner Work I am dedicated to ; has a very big pay off. I get to live authentically. I get to create a life that is in alignment with my values and desires. None of this comes for free or without effort. It takes Discipline. It takes Will.

This past Sunday was my very last online cohort meeting with Headspace. I have completed the mental health coaching training. Yay!!! I feel very proud. Finishing this program highlights that I am at the precipice of a brand new chapter. I am so excited and so grateful. At this moment I feel very much In Love with Life and the World. Sooooo looking forward to meeting new people, going to new places and having newer, joyous adventures.

Some songs I listened to while writing this:

Smalltown Boy…..Bronski Beat

The Perfect Girl…..Mareux

Love Surrounds You…..Ramsey
Sway…..So Below

Side Note: If you find yourself in the midst of a Spiritual Awakening; Welcome to the Unofficial Club!!! I know the early days of a Spiritual Awakening can feel maddening, confusing and exhausting. There are so many ego deaths involved. The unnerving questioning of Identity, questioning the meaning of this life, past life memories resurfacing, experiencing intense and energy draining Ascension symptoms, the list goes on. I know when I was in the early days of going through the Initiation of a Spiritual Awakening; I experienced confusion, loneliness, and a lack of direction. What I wished I had during those days was some kind of guide…maybe even a coach? A Wellness Coach. That is exactly why I offer these kinds of wellness coaching services. I know how valuable it is to be able to talk about experiencing ALL of the kinds of experiences that come with going through a Spiritual Awakening. I understand the kind of peace one can receive when they get the support that they need.

Also, if you find that you are at a crossroads with the relationship you have with your Sexual Wellness and have serious questions or qualms about it, working with a coach may be helpful. Again, I understand how participating within a working relationship, how working with a coach, can lend vital support around having clarity and ease within oneself over time. Working with a Wellness Coach to support you in understanding a core human experience such as sexuality can play a big role in Growth and Expansion.

Working with a Wellness Coach can be an essential part of one’s Soul-U-tioN.

To schedule your free, initial consultation, click on “Book Session”.

Peace be with you.

Much Love.

BlackBlueCoffee 6/25/24 BlackBlueCoffee 6/25/24

Bike commuting

Disclaimer

I have an hour and 45 minute commute by E-bike throughout the work week. Along my commute, I bike through very Portlandia neighborhoods, over the Tilikum bridge, along the river where I often see at least a dozen sail boats during the summer months ; I pedal along some hills where I can see an expansive view of downtown, the river and one of the mountains (I don’t know which one, I am terrible at geographic landmarks). This commute feels very storybook. I don’t ever have to deal with traffic, which enhances my quality of life. Some other benefits of my commute include:

Experiencing more Beauty in my everyday routine
Engaging in my mindfulness practice (being on a bike, I am tuned into my body and my surroundings)
Balance (physically, emotionally, mentally and spiritually) which leans into feeling more grounded by the time I arrive to work
Maintaining strength
Exposure to fresh air and the natural essential oils the trees and other plants produce
I develop a more intimate understanding of the environment I bike though and feel into the energetic imprints of certain places
It is very calming to bike along a body of water, helps to reduce stress. Yay!
At night, I get to witness the twinkling lights of the city which feels magickal
I also use some of the time to speak with my higher self and guides. This helps me to feel more clear and focused on my goals

Simply put, I am grateful I can get from point A to point B in this way. I reap so many benefits that elevates my abilities to be in a helping profession. For me, having this routine enhances my concentration and prepares me for having to be confined to an office for 8 hours straight.

Working with a Wellness Coach can be an essential part of one’s Soul-U-tioN.

To schedule your free, initial consultation, click on “Book Session”.

Peace be with you.

Much Love.

BlackBlueCoffee 6/2/24 BlackBlueCoffee 6/2/24

Questions

Disclaimer

What parts of your authentic self do you refuse to share with those who are in your inner circle? What are you afraid of? Rejection, loneliness, shame, being misunderstood? If you knew you only had one more year of life on Earth, would you change how you were living? Or would you insist on sameness?

Working with a Wellness Coach can be an essential part of one’s Soul-U-tioN.

To schedule your free, initial consultation, click on “Book Session”.

Peace be with you.

Much Love.

BlackBlueCoffee 5/25/24 BlackBlueCoffee 5/25/24

healing portal

Disclaimer

On 5/5/2024 I decided to participate in an energy portal. I have been working with portals since February of this year. Every single time I work with portal energy I always learn more about myself and my abilities. This particular portal focused on healing the divine feminine energy and mother wounding. When I became aware that those were the themes for this portal, I groaned inwardly ; more mother shit. For over a year, I have been laser focused on doing inner child healing. A lot of mother and father wounding and healing is involved. Initially, I wasn’t looking forward to this ritual because my main thought about my mother wounding was, “I just want to be done with this. Why does this require so much fucking work?!”. To say I felt burnt out on focusing on parental wounds is an understatement.

On 5/5, in the evening, I went outside to my backyard and laid down on the ground. I imagined magenta and golden light streaming straight into my heart center. I acknowledged the dried up, desert parts of my heart ; the specific wounding there. Every time my mothers discounted my experience, blamed and shamed me for existing as me, manipulating and gaslighting to get me to do what they had on their agendas. So much neglect, loneliness, resentment baked into my heart that transcended many, many lifetimes. I imagined the magenta and golden healing rays streaming straight into my heart and providing the much needed sustenance ; turning the desert parts of my heart into lush, green, thriving revitalization. I stayed with this visualization for about ten minutes. It felt a lot longer than that. After the portal ritual, I knew I had to journal about my experience but I was not interested in writing that evening. The next morning, I jotted down my thoughts after contemplating more about that experience.

The following is what I wrote to all of my mothers I have ever had in every life I have ever lived:

I understand why motherhood was difficult for you. I wish we had a safe, connected, loving relationship where you stepped into the role of a parental leader with curiosity and grace. But that did not happen. I now understand, at soul level, we chose each other to learn lessons for our own, individual learning and growth. I wish you well in all of your endeavors.

While journaling and staying inward ; I thought about all of the people who have ever confided in me their deepest fears and realities when it came to Family. While working with people who have experienced so much familial pain and wounding and understanding the many reasons why so many parents and families are set up to fail their children ; experiencing this kind of pain as a systemic issue has helped to illuminate my own dark, shadow aspects of my personality and my experience for this particular incarnation.

Healing…it’s a motherfuckin’ process.

Some songs I listened to while writing this:

Dark Necessities—Red Hot Chili Peppers

Something In The Way—Nirvana

Down With The Sickness—Disturbed

The Sound Of Silence—Disturbed

Way down We Go—KALEO

Colours—GROUPLOVE

Working with a Wellness Coach can be an essential part of one’s Soul-U-tioN.

To schedule your free, initial consultation, click on “Book Session”.

Peace be with you.

Much Love.

BlackBlueCoffee 5/2/24 BlackBlueCoffee 5/2/24

unblocking chakras and wound in gemini

Disclaimer

The information on this blog is not intended as a substitute for professional medical and/or mental health advice, diagnosis or treatment. This blog is intended for informational purposes only. Any health concern must be assessed by a doctor or another licensed and/or certified clinician.

Okay, I know I am going to sound hella woowoo for writing about unblocking my chakras but this is where I am at ; so that is that. As I am writing this, I am observing judging myself ; yup totally catching myself in the moment. It’s okay, we are all works in progress. So, for the past couple of months, I have been doing a variety of meditations and breathing exercises to unblock my chakras. I wish l could say it was for purely spiritual reasons (I mean a good chunk of my motivations are spiritual related) BUT one core reason I began unblocking my chakras are money related.

If a person’s body is tense and rigid, hence, the chakras are going to be blocked, thereby blocking the flow of energy, creativity, abundance. Abundance in all forms AND, also money.

I have decided I want to create a life FULL of abundance, creativity, laughter, adventure, curiosity, travel, writing ; all sorts of things. I recently learned blocked chakras can affect attracting money and the ability to co-create a life that one truly desires.

I have been surprised by how much more energy I have since I have started this practice. Very curious.

A couple of weeks ago, I found out what my wound in chiron is ; it is Chiron in Gemini: The Wound of Words. First of all, when I recall all of the past life memories where I wind up strangled to death, the Chiron in Gemini makes absolute sense to me.

The way I think of the chiron wound (which is from astrology, for those who don’t know) is a wound that is a core and steady theme throughout one’s life and apparently throughout multiple lives. This wound is thought of as a core wound that tends to show up repetitively until it is healed. At first, I did my math wrong and thought my wound was in Cancer which is the Wound of Family and/or Abandonment. I also related to this because I do totally have abandonment issues, however, after thinking about it more deeply, I know my Wound of Words has been such a consistent source of pain for me. Far more than my fucked up family history.

Then, I think more about this current lifetime and how as a kid I had a terrible stutter that made me feel very self conscious. I really struggled to convey with words how I felt or what was on my mind. I just let people assume and guess because at the time I just did not have the tools to freely and assertively express what I needed to express. Which was one reason why I worried, up until my late 20’s, that I was stupid. Going through school was a major hardship. I know now that I am hella intelligent, but it has been a journey.

So my Wound in Gemini is The Wound of Words. It is a curious thing that I often get stuck at my throat chakra when I am doing any kind of unblocking exercise. It makes sense and at times I feel very frustrated that healing this chakra is taking more time and effort. However, I do realize this is when I get to practice patience and self-compassion which are always detailed lessons. It’s a curious situation. It is not surprising. It is just something I will continue to work through. One day at a time.

Music I listened to while writing this:

From Meditative Mind on YouTube Root Chakra (LAM Chanting)

Working with a Wellness Coach can be an essential part of one’s Soul-U-tioN.

To schedule your free, initial consultation, click on “Book Session”.

Peace be with you.

Much Love.

BlackBlueCoffee 4/25/24 BlackBlueCoffee 4/25/24

whore

Disclaimer

I have always secretly enjoyed the word “Whore”. I enjoy the sensation of saying Whore. The way the mouth forms into an “OH” shape ; then breathing out the whole word of Whore through the mouth. It has a certain ring to it. Apparently, the word Whore has ties way back to ancient Semitic languages of the Middle East which meant “cave” or “womb”. It’s interesting how the word Whore has been weaponized against girls and women for a hella long time.

Secretly, I have always enjoyed the word “Whore”. Secretly, I had been practicing Sex Magick for many years without even realizing it. I would say my late teens and all throughout my 20’s my Sex Magick practice centered on sexual healing and healing in general. I realllllly revel in the release of orgasms and there is ample research as to why that is ;

Some of the known benefits of orgasm include:

Strengthening immunity
Supports and boosts brain activity and (possibly) increases cognitive abilities
Improves sleep quality
Amps up pain threshold
Possibly helps your skin to look younger and clearer (could potentially help you to look ten years younger ; in our youth obsessed culture, that can definitely help alleviate aging angst)
Influences hormones for the win ; helps to have a healthier balance of oxytocin, dopamine, serotonin–these three hormones play a major role in stress reduction, improvement with cognitive abilities and energy levels ; just to name a few of the benefits
The list of benefits goes on for a bit longer but I think you get the point already

So, my childhood was polluted with aggression and violence and having experienced sexual abuse as a young child ; I struggled with this huge gaping hole inside of myself where my Rage lives. I often felt consumed by my Rage. It scared me. Growing up, I was achingly aware that no one would care about the kind of pain I had experienced and that something vital had been taken away from me. And, so, my Rage grew and grew. It felt as though the Rage would gobble me whole and then I would be nothing.

Orgasms weren’t the only thing that helped with my healing process. I have always enjoyed learning. I recently came across this particular description of the word Tantrika from the website YOGAPEDIA:

“Tantrika is a Sanskrit word that means ‘relating to Tantra’. Tantra is a Hindu spiritual practice (sadhana) based on religious and mystical texts devoted to goddess worship and shakti (divine feminine energy). It is also the name used to describe this collection of texts (Tantras).

Tantrika, generally, describes a scholar immersed in the study of science or a system. More specifically, it can be defined in several ways:

As a noun - someone who adheres to the sadhana of Tantra
As an adjective - describing the Tantras (texts) and their doctrines, or the rituals of worshiping the goddess within

Tantrika is derived from the root word, tan, meaning ‘to weave’ or ‘to expand,’ and tra, meaning ‘to protect’ or ‘to liberate.’ It, therefore, describes a belief in expanding knowledge to achieve liberation…Tantrika also dates to ancient times.

Some sects of Tantrism delve into occult-like practices, including rites that connect sex with higher consciousness.”

With all that said, to me, Tantrika refers to a person who is dedicated to Expand Consciousness In Order To Liberate. Yup, sounds like me.

For so many years I have been achingly aware how the feminine is perceived to be weaker and inherently subservient to the masculine. In mainstream culture, there is no awareness that we all, regardless of gender, have divine feminine and divine masculine qualities. For people who identify as either non-binary, gender fluid or whatever else, these ideas are not new ; it is just that freedom of expression has been stifled for a hella long time.

Quick side note: I just googled “Lilith Sex Magick” and an article (published in 2019 and written by Lisa Stardust) about how to use Sex Magick to help create one’s best self from Teen Vogue came up. The concepts of Sex Magick are slowly and magickally making its way up the stream.

Lilith, the Vampire Queen. The first wife of Adam.

A fellow Sex Magick Practitioner. Perhaps the Creator of Sex Magick???

According to the Lore, Lilith was created as Adam’s equal. And she refused to lay beneath him as a subordinate. She insisted that she came first. She has Boundaries. She is well aware that she is her own entity and has a right to pleasure and she is below no one, ever. She simply wanted and demanded to Co-Exist. She wanted a Collaborator. Not a Suppressor.

Whenever I am in a situation where I am actively being dismissed, minimized, or someone is attempting to override a boundary that is meant to protect me ; I always ask myself, “What The Fuck Would Lilith Do?”.

So, when it comes to healing, ultimately the task at hand is to find a way back to ourselves. To feel safe and confident enough to express authentically.

Whore means Womb. I believe it is time for reclamation of Whore and every single being on this Earth will benefit from this particular reclamation.

Some songs I listened to while writing this:

Daddy by Ramsey

Devil Eyes by Hippie Sabotage

glow worms by ivri, Naveih

You Were a Dream by Artemas

if u think i’m pretty Artemas

Tip Toe by PatrickReza

Also, the book written by Dr. Jolene Brighten called Is This Normal? Judgement-Free Straight Talk About Your Body is the source I used for the knowledge about the benefits of orgasms

Working with a Wellness Coach can be an essential part of one’s Soul-U-tioN.

To schedule your free, initial consultation, click on “Book Session”.

Peace be with you.

Much Love.

BlackBlueCoffee 4/2/24 BlackBlueCoffee 4/2/24

What Does it mean to heal???

Disclaimer

What does it mean to Heal?

What does it mean to be healthy or healthier?

Considering, we have a massive SickCare system in this country ; as a collective, our current understanding of what it means to actually be well is blurry.

A person who looks healthy but is overrun by resentful, jealous, emotionally reactive thinking will ultimately promote DisEase in the body. (Check out Dr. Caroline Leaf’s work on negative thinking and brain health. Her work is amazing).

A person who looks healthy but consumes alcohol several times weekly is actually not doing their immune system or their liver any favors. (Check out Dr. Andrew Humberman’s podcast ; he has provided ample research on the detrimental effects of habitual alcohol consumption. His work is amazing as well).

There are many components that add to wellness and subtract from wellness ; what is a good balance???

So I ask again ;

What does it mean to be healthy or healthier?

What does it mean to Heal?

Working with a Wellness Coach can be an essential part of one’s Soul-U-tioN.

To schedule your free, initial consultation, click on “Book Session”.

Peace be with you.

Much Love.

BlackBlueCoffee 5/28/19 BlackBlueCoffee 5/28/19

That Time I Had an Accidental Kundalini Awakening

It all begins with an idea.

Disclaimer

It was in the middle of Summer of 2020 and I was practicing in the middle of my bed/living room of my teeny, tiny apartment; in downtown Portland Oregon (I’m attempting to set the scene). I was practicing a dance move I learned from the burlesque workshop I was taking. I was listening to the music I had put on and synced into my body, noticing how when my hips were moving, how that impacted my torso, and how the movement of my torso affected the sensations in my back...really synced into my body and noticing it. I was shimmying with my legs when something started to happen…

One of the things that we learned in this workshop was different burlesque dance moves. How do I describe a shimmy? I suppose the best way I can describe this movement is it's basically shaking and jiggling your body, swaying your hips. You can isolate and shimmy your upper body or lower body or both. Anyway, I was shimming and focusing on my hips and legs and syncing more into my body. And gradually I noticed that I was experiencing a different kind of sensation.

Before I continue, I just want to acknowledge I am attempting to describe something that I’m not sure I can adequately describe with words. It’s kind of like trying to explain how an orgasm feels to someone who has never had that before…Also, when I think about how a lot of people are taught to not trust their body (lots of reasons why this happens: trauma, restrictive religions, shame; to call out a few); I understand how some people who encounter these kinds of experiences may believe they are either being possessed by another entity or going crazy; because a kundalini awakening is NOT subtle…at least, not in my experience.

So, I noticed this sensation in my pelvic area as I was moving my thighs and hips…and then I experienced this blissful, euphoric, pleasurable, and orgasmic feeling in my body that went from my pelvis, down my thighs and alllllllll the way to the top of my head, an explosion of creative life force energy. As this feeling spread throughout my body, I remember thinking, “It is so good to be in this body!!!”. How long did that sensation last for? 10 seconds, 20, 30, 60….I am not sure, I forgot to look at the time. But that experience was life-changing for sure. I mean, it highlighted just how ignorant I am of what my body is capable of experiencing. That surprising and yummy kundalini awakening did just that; it awoke and lead me to an understanding of just how mysterious and awe-inspiring it is to exist as a human being. It is more than okay to explore what our bodies can do for us because our bodies do a lot for us and are capable of giving us so, so much more than we realize.

I don’t know a whole lot about kundalini awakenings. But I do know enough that I had one; that one time. I have tried on multiple occasions to replicate that experience but I have not been successful, much to my dismay. What I do understand is that these kinds of experiences show up differently for different people. Some people, much like I did, will have an intensely pleasurable, orgasmic experience that leaves you panting. And other people experience an energetic experience that is nowhere near like having an orgasm. Does it mean anything in particular if you do have a kundalini experience and it resembles an orgasm? Does it mean you have more creative energy? Does it mean you are hornier than the average person??? I don’t what it means. And that’s okay. I am just grateful I had that surprising experience. And maybe one day, I will have another. :)

Some music I listened to while writing/contemplating this:

Be a Body by Grimes

Glass by Blood Cultures

Working with a Wellness Coach can be an essential part of one’s Soul-U-tioN.

To schedule your free, initial consultation, click on “Book Session”.

Peace be with you.

Much Love.

BlackBlueCoffee 5/28/19 BlackBlueCoffee 5/28/19

Being sensitive

It all begins with an idea.

Disclaimer

I am not going to lie. During all of my adolescence (which ends at age 25 by the way), I thought I was a bit dumb and stupid. It did not help that a looooott of people treated me like I was dumb and stupid OR they just did not understand me; either way, relating to people was very challenging. Even then I knew I was absorbing a lot of other people’s opinions about me, it is very difficult to not absorb that. I remember I often felt overwhelmed when I was around a lot of other people. I would cringe at small talk and find solace when I had tasks to do when I had to be around other people. When I was a teenager, I would occasionally go to football games to hang out with friends and when all of the people, emotions, stress, noise and other input got to be too much; I would take out the book I brought with me and use it as a way to focus and attempt to block out all of the information that was coming in.

I think I was 30 when I came across the term Highly Sensitive Person. (Quick tangent: I don’t prefer that particular order of words to describe us. I do prefer Sensory Processing Sensitivity. SPS emphasizes sensory information; it is more about what we actually do and how we experience the world, we process MORE information; we are more tuned in. The wording for HSP just reminds me of all the times I was told, “You’re toooooo SENSITIVE”. It is interesting how childhood stuff sticks around….)

I remember first reading about this biological trait and felt the first nudges of realization and relief. FINALLY, some validation. I am not Crazy, just misunderstood. Since first discovering some of the research about this characteristic and continuing to learn more about it and how I perceive the world; it has gotten easier to understand myself, to practice self-compassion and to continue to learn all of the things about myself. How to communicate my boundaries more directly, understanding how I process emotions, and especially tuning into my limits when it comes to the energy I expend. Developing self-awareness and then acting like your own kind, nurturing parent takes a lot of work. I am not perfect at it but I have noted the ways I have been able to prioritize my basic needs such as sleep, exercise, nourishing food and protecting myself from people who are more absorbed by their own agendas and will forsake my well-being. I know, for me, having a profound and meaningful relationship to myself has been and continues to be a worthwhile adventure of claiming and actively protecting my sovereignty.

“Our doubts are traitors and make us lose the good we oft might win by fearing to attempt”.--Shakespeare

Annndddd

“Sweet are the uses of adversity which, like the toad, ugly and venomous, wears yet a precious jewel in his head”.--Shakespeare

Working with a Wellness Coach can be an essential part of one’s Soul-U-tioN.

To schedule your free, initial consultation, click on “Book Session”.

Peace be with you.

Much Love.