Shedding and rebirth part 1

Disclaimer

The information on this blog is not intended as a substitute for professional medical and/or mental health advice, diagnosis, or treatment. This blog is intended for informational purposes only. Any health concern must be assessed by a doctor or another licensed and/or certified clinician.

I have always been a person who was more tuned into energy than not. As a child, as a teen; eventually I realized other people seemed to not notice what I noticed and I bought into the idea that maybe I was just really fucking crazy. I learned to gaslight myself like most of us do. After the age of 30, energy/spirit became louder and louder; I could no longer ignore it or gaslight myself. Not after working as an addictions counselor and witnessing over and over the diminished conditioning that many people struggle with. The conditioning that validation, power, and love is outside of them. In a pill, in a syringe, in a degree, in another person, on and on it goes. Taking people further and further away from themselves. Eventually I made a choice, leaning into the “crazy” with curiosity and healthy skepticism. 

In 2022 or 2023 I discovered Mariya Nurislamova’s Youtube channel. I remember the first video I watched was a channeled message. I remember admiring her beautiful eye make-up, a glowing, orange eye shadow with lots of sparkles. I noticed how she was surrounded with many beautiful things. Mariya is a spiritual teacher, she teaches about many things including manifestation. The way she communicated made sense to me. I continued to watch her videos and bought her book 72 Keys To Manifestation: An Ancient Path of a Modern-Day Alchemist. 

This past November she announced she would be hosting a retreat in Sedona, Arizona. I signed up immediately. For months I had been feeling stuck, numb and frustrated and didn’t know how to get myself out of it. Maybe going to this retreat could help somehow??? After signing up, I was invited to join Mariya’s Telegram. I watched the number of people join over the months leading up to the retreat, over 115 people joined. 

At the very beginning of December I watched Mariya’s energy update for that month. I braced myself. The major theme for that month was shedding, release, letting go. A fiery, burning kind of energy. She had reported that certain relationships would need to go. And that some of us might experience, “phantom pain”. I wasn’t excited about the possibility of phantom pain, I had experienced that before; it is always unsettling to say the least. 

December 5th:

I had my bi-monthly supervision with my supervisor. At the beginning of the meeting, she shared some photographs on her phone. Earlier in the year she had given birth to her first child. She is enamored. It’s really sweet how she talks about motherhood, her child, and her husband. It’s all very loving. One of the photos she shared with me was one she had taken of her child and husband. It was at a baby swim class, she showed me her child and husband in the pool. 

“My Little Water Baby”, she said.  

I caught my breath. My mind immediately went to Wanderer and The Child. Over the summer Wanderer’s Wife had posted a photo of The Child in a tiny kiddie pool on her social media. The Child was clearly having a great time in the water. Wanderer’s Wife had posted, “My Little Water Baby”, with the photo. Synchronicity. 

Supervision went on as normal. As we were finishing up the meeting. I stood up and felt ENORMOUS PAIN. Pain in my midsection. Pain throughout my body. Tingles in my head and other parts of my body. My fingers felt numb. I was afraid I was having a heart attack, stroke or both. But this wasn’t the first time experiencing INTENSE PAIN like this. I have experienced very painful intuitive hits before. This had something to do with Wanderer. In the midst of feeling very afraid for my physical body, I also felt frustrated and resentful. If this was directly tied to Wanderer and his emotions and not being able to handle his own emotions…I cursed Wanderer inwardly, “Grow the Fuck Up. God Damit!”. I am so sick and tired of knowing his emotional state especially when it affects me. I try really hard to mind my own business. It is simply not my job to process his emotions for him. That is his job 100% of the time. 

I excused myself and walked to my desk, taking in deep, slow breaths. What if I am having a heart attack??? My body wanted me to go outside but I was afraid I would faint. I went to my supervisor’s office. 

“I think I’m having a panic attack! It’s usually very rare but every once in a while I get these intense attacks!” I was trying to remain calm, I don’t think I came across as calm. I told her I was going to go for a walk but I might faint. I was just really afraid and didn’t know what to do. 

She stayed calm, “This is why we practice our coping skills”, I’m pretty sure I rolled my eyes at this. At that moment I hated that I still had a muggle job and was surrounded by people who had no idea what it means to be psychic. I remained calm and told her I was going for a walk and I would be back in 10 minutes. I just wanted someone to know I was out of the office just in case I did lose consciousness. 

After a while the pain eventually subsided for the most part. I finished my workday and was relieved the next day was Saturday. 

Saturday, December 6th:

I continued to experience phantom pain. Although now I was confident that this pain was related to me being psychic which was a small relief. One part related to Wanderer and the other part related to being more tuned into energy. That evening and into the morning I felt like my energy was being all burnt up; I had little energy. I felt consumed by this fiery pain. I didn’t know how to stop it. 

Portland is known for many things. One side of Portland is that it is actually a Spiritual Hub of sorts. There are many metaphysical shops spread throughout the city which I adore. Celestial Awakenings is just a quick bike ride from where I live. When I arrived at the shop I felt like I was looking for something but wasn’t sure what I was looking for. This shop has a massive selection of crystals. I went from table to table but was unable to find what I was looking for, whatever that was. At last I went over to the glass case and noticed these beautiful (and expensive) crystal pendant necklaces. Some of them were over $500. To me that’s a lot of money for one piece of jewelry. Then I saw the purple one, I looked at the price, under $300. That price point felt less extreme for a crystal. 

“Excuse me, I would like a closer look at this crystal”, I said pointing to the one I wanted. 

“Ah yes,” he said calmly. He took the necklace out and walked towards me.

Before I knew it, he was helping me put on the crystal and then instructing me to do this and that. I felt like he was fitting me for this crystal. Then he instructed me to walk out the door and to simply notice. I was too tired to ask what he meant by that. I walked out of the shop and observed the street traffic, the noises in the neighborhood, the people walking by, the stimulation. The noises and stimulation felt a little less chaotic. Even though the difference wasn’t drastic, it was still noteworthy. I went back inside and paid for the crystal. Later when I was at home, I read the description of the necklace. 

“Siberian Purple Quartz Ascension Star Chain Pendant. Grown in Russia. Helps to transform blocked energy and balance emotions. A Tool For Evolution.” I did more research on this crystal; it is made in a lab using sacred geometry. This reminded me of Atlantis, a blend of nature with science to enhance human consciousness. Very curious. The following is a part of the description from the website of this pendant: 

“Ancient teachers have taught us that we too have the ability to ascend. Ascension today is not about leaving the body; it is about bringing Heaven into Earth. Another fine feature of this cut is the stimulation of alignment with the highest guidance that we are capable of receiving so that we may more fully participate in Earth’s ‘conscious evolution’. This aids in bringing in the energy of the Divine to assist us in more fully manifesting our higher self”. 

Very quickly I felt better wearing it, a little more centered than before. And the pain disappeared!!! Well worth the money. 

A couple of nights later I was in bed. My whole body felt like it was vibrating. More of my energy was being burnt up. Then I felt excruciating pain, specifically in my womb and my pussy. This was a violated kind of pain. Then I felt/saw in my mind’s eye my adoptive dad fervently thinking about me in a way that dads should not think about their daughters. More pain in my womb and vagina. In those moments I withered in SOOOOO MUCH Pain. Humiliation. I felt Trampled On. All Used Up and so ALONE. In those moments I wanted to die; Wanted To End It All. Also, I felt into my adoptive mother’s jealousy towards me. I have known she is a petty person for years but feeling into her jealousy towards me was a whole other level of awareness. I supported her for years. I genuinely wanted her to be content and happy. She was never content or happy for long; always criticizing something about someone. A miserable person at her core. For years I just wanted them to both love me as their daughter. I just wanted to feel loved!!!

What I didn’t realize at the time was that I was shedding. Releasing and letting go of what no longer serves me. Releasing what was keeping me Trapped. Releasing the Illusions. 

I told my friend Al about what I had been experiencing. What happened at supervision, getting fitted for the crystal and the vision and understanding of how my dad thought of me, specifically when I was a teenager.  

“That’s gross”, she said in response.

“I know! I’m so fucking Rageful! For years I did not feel comfortable around him and for years it was really easy for me to ignore how I felt. Especially with my experiences of being abused before I met my adoptive parents. It was really easy to gaslight myself and tell myself to ignore my intuition.” I felt like crying but stopped myself. I am so grateful for my friend Al. For years now she has been hearing all about my metaphysical, weird experiences. It has been so helpful for me to confide in her. I later told my friend Tara what I had been experiencing. She is another person I confide in and has listened to me patiently over the years. And now she is on her own Spiritual Path. We both talk to each other about our experiences. She now has her own Divination practice. Definitely grateful for my inner circle of friendships, my tiny village of fellow Magickal People.  

"At least it was just his thoughts", Al said. 

"Yeah…",I said slowly. 

Thoughts affect physical reality too. I had recently read a book about this. It’s called The Intention Experiment by Lynne McTaggart. This book was not intended for daddies to energetically rape their daughters. Thoughts do affect physical reality. Thoughts matter.

A memory came forward for me. I was 16/17 years old. I was asleep but was awakened by this intensely pleasurable orgasm. In this memory I was alone in bed. For months I thought maybe I had experienced that sleepgasm because of Wanderer. I know he thought about me a lot back then. But no, now I was piecing together something that was far more sinister and gross. 

A couple of nights later I was alone in bed, trying unsuccessfully to get to sleep. Then I started touching myself, focused on the sensations in my body. But then I kept seeing my adoptive dad’s face between my legs. I felt disgusted. I tried to block out that image. But I kept seeing his face between my legs. That is when my body released the Truth. The Body Keeps The Score. The Body Never Forgets. I SCREAMED into my pillow. I felt helpless and hopeless. All Used Up. No one will believe me. NO ONE WILL BELIEVE ME. NO ONE WILL BELIEVE ME!!!

I met my adoptive parents when I was 13. All throughout my teenage years I worked so hard to appease them both. I was well aware of the power dynamic. I was so afraid. I had nowhere else to go. I had been in the foster care system before I met them and knew that system was a dead end. I was also aware of the likelihood of getting trafficked if they kicked me out. So, I worked so hard to get them to like me. I wanted them to love me like their daughter. He was also very well aware of the power dynamic. If he ever got caught, no one would believe me. It is so easy to dismiss the broken foster girl who no one wanted. He has manipulated and lied to me so many times. It is not beyond his character and lack of integrity for him to have slipped something into his wife’s drink (so she didn’t wake up when he was out of bed) so he could sneak into my bed while I was asleep. He convinced himself that he wasn’t hurting me. He didn’t penetrate me so it didn’t count. Besides, it feels good. I was nothing like his wife when they were teenagers. She worked so hard trying to get the attention of boys their age. So much effort into her appearance, spent hours in front of the mirror; wanted so badly to get a boyfriend. So was docile, meek and could not see her own beauty. She would never break up with him because she needed validation. I wasn’t like that as a teen. I was afraid all of the time. Constantly experiencing telepathy and other psychic hits which scared and confused me at the time and I just told myself I was crazy. I was very preoccupied with that. I didn’t like focusing on my looks so much. I definitely didn’t care about having a boyfriend. Boyfriends lie anyway and they are embarrassing. This little stuck up bitch thinks she doesn’t need a boyfriend. That she’s too good to be someone’s girlfriend. I was/am Defiant; refuse to submit to men.

The justifications some people make when they do abusive things to other people. This is what can happen when people deny their shadow side and ignore it; distortion leaks out and the wounded part of the ego tries to hide it. 

The summer I turned 18 I had experienced an excruciating painful period. It was so painful that I had to be excused from going into work. I was bedridden with the pain I experienced. It scared me. Were all of my periods going to be this debilitating from now on? I felt trapped inside my body. That was the only time in my life so far when my period was scary painful. I think that is when my adoptive dad’s late night activities stopped. It was after that painful period. 

I am not what happened to me. I AM what I choose to be. I plant the Truth and grow within. 

Saturday evening on December 6th I went and saw Eyes Wide Shut in the theater. Considering all of the talk about the E-files at that time plus my own experiences of sexual abuse, watching this movie felt relevant. One of the trailers that was shown before the movie started was Amadeus. I haven’t ever seen that movie, so I made a mental note to watch it sometime. As a Music Lover, it would be very interesting to see a movie about Mozart. 

Sunday, December 7th: I went to Powells on Hawthorne. I was looking for The Rose That Grew From Concrete by Tupac Shakur. I found it! And then I was directed to another book. I was being led by my Spirit Guides. It was as if a gust of wind came through and a book shifted. As I watched the book move as if from its own accord, my Intuition vibrated. A Magickal Moment! I picked up the book, it was about Kurt Cobain, Courtney Love and their daughter. The book is called Family Values. I had accepted that both Tupac and Kurt have been guiding me for many years now. It’s only been the last several years I have had this awareness. I still kind of freak the fuck out about it, I grew up watching them on M.T.V. They are both celebrated (and criticized) for their art and creativity, and what they contributed to the World and being an imperfect, flawed person. The thing that the 3 of us have in common is having grown up in poverty and experienced chaotic childhoods full of violence and fear and being stigmatized for our own reasons. For me, it was having gone through the foster care system; that alone singled me out from the mythological, patriarchal concept of “family”. I think it is so interesting how we are conditioned to believe that family means safety; when the reality is, that for most of us, it is where we experience so much Trauma and Shame. Simply by existing I could never (nor was I ever interested in) cultivating this cultural lie we are all fed. Both Kurt and Courtney were intensely criticized as parents. Both Kurt and Courtney had their own intense wounding they had inherited from their own parents and had not healed when Frances was born. Family Values. Since they were both famous, people were well aware of their flaws and were quick to label Kurt and Courtney as bad parents. In this way Kurt and Courtney acted as mirrors for many people. People were quick to condemn them for the traits that were reflected back at them. People were not keen on doing their own shadow work; so much easier to project, blame and put shame onto others. Oh, and by the way, most people experience Trauma; a lot of people deny it because it threatens their sense of safety and sense of self. As children we are dependent on our caregivers and other adults in our lives. Children feel into the power dynamic even though they do not have the words to convey these realities. 

A few days later, as I was reading through The Rose That Grew From Concrete, the first message caught my eye. I underlined the words that stood out to me and added some notes which are in parenthesis. It is addressed,

“To Our Children

 We must support our children in every way we can. We must allow our children freedom to express themselves creatively. We must praise our children and thank them for their gift of inspiration. We must motivate our children spiritually. We must challenge our children to a higher level of achievement (In alignment with Higher Self). We must increase our children’s self-confidence (Self-Trust) and improve their overall quality of life.”

Today, as I write this (on March 28th, 2026), I flipped through Tupac’s book of poetry and this is where I landed, on page 121: 

Untitled

Strength is overcome by weakness

Joy is overcome by Pain

The night is overcome by Brightness

and—Love it remains the same

Back to Sunday, December 7th:

I left Powell’s. I was walking down a quiet, residential street. I decided to put my earphones on and listen to some music. The music was on random mode. The song Looking For The Answer by Lllyric? came on, Intuitively I knew this was a message from Wanderer. By this time I was well aware that Wanderer has no idea that he sends me messages through music. I felt sad for him. I think these messages come from his subconscious sometimes. These messages definitely come from his Higher Self, also. 

“Looking for the answer I'm searching for you

Looking for the answer I'm searching for you

And I've been falling between your iris

You catch me staring I close my eyelids

I can't let you know that I love you

Because you'll kill me just like the others

I think I'll take one more so I won't feel a thing

I had to let you go so I can feel again

I wanted you to know that I won't be the same

I'm stuck in that room back in 2008

I never grew up I think I'm innocent

My brain is filled with spiders and ignorance

I drink until I drop I think I have a problem

But I am

Looking for the answer I'm searching for you

Looking for the answer I'm searching for you

I think I'm looking for the answer I'm searching for you

I think I'm looking for the answer I'm searching for you

Looking for the answer I'm searching for you

Looking for the answer I'm searching for you

I think I'm looking for the answer I'm searching for you

I think I'm looking for the answer I'm searching for you”

“I'm stuck in that room back in 2008

I never grew up I think I'm innocent

My brain is filled with spiders and ignorance

I drink until I drop I think I have a problem”--In my mind’s eye I saw Wanderer circa 2008. Newly in college, full of Optimism and Hope for his future. Trusting in the guidance from his mother. I know now that his family operates more like a Cult than anything else. Most of them attempt to have Power Over Others; it’s abusive energy. Wanderer is not a happy person. He isn’t a safe person. He is a liar, he lies everyday and has been doing so for many years. He doesn’t remember a day when he hasn’t lied. He has done a lot of sidestepping of his Shadow work. He denies that his Shadow even exists. Much like how my adoptive father denies how his Shadow exists. Wanderer creeps me out. Sometimes I feel sad for him. Sometimes I want to shake him to help him understand the kind of harm he has done to others. He thinks he is such a nice guy. He isn’t. He is very much in the self pitying mode of Victimhood. A very disempowered place to be. 

Later that evening I went to Powell’s City of Books downtown. Travis Holp would be there talking about being a medium and signing copies of his book, Are You There, Spirit? It’s Me, Travis. I got there early so I could wander around. My Intuition guided me to the Military section and as if the book had been waiting especially for me, my eyes immediately landed on a book titled, Sagittarius Rising. Curious, I picked it up and flipped through it. I noticed it was a first edition (American) copy. Written by Cecil Lewis, the original price for the book was $2.50; the current price for this book was $25.00. The price sticker with the barcode was dated 11/2/2025. It’s a memoir about a teenage fighter pilot from the 1st World War. After his time in the military he went on to co-create the British Broadcasting Company and became a writer. 

The following is on the page after the copyright: 

SAGITTARIUS

Ninth sign of the zodiac, the archer, governing voyages and weapons and all swift things. A fiery but divided sign, dominated by Jupiter, denoting in the character gaiety and a love of sport on one hand, and on the other a power of prophecy and philosophy: which sign occurs in the horoscope of the autobiographer, rising

I thought about the Sagittarius Rising that I know who also has a military background. This book was definitely for me. I bought the book. 

Monday, December 8th: I deleted my Facebook account. 

Sunday, December 14th: In the morning I was on my bike on the way to the grocery store when I noticed a message trying to be delivered to me. I started thinking in melody. I don’t normally think in melody. That isn’t how my brain functions. I DO NOT think in melody. That is how I knew this was a message that was coming to me, not from me. I stopped riding my bike and parked along the curb. I got my phone and went to the voice recorder app and the following is what came through: 

I’m A Witch; I’m A Witch!!!

I’m A Powerful, Powerful Witch!!!

Hhhmmhhhmmm; Hhhmmhhhmmm

I’m A Healer; I’m A Healer!!!

I’m A Powerful, Powerful Healer!!!

Hhhmmhhhmmm; Hhhmmhhhmmm

I’m A Witch; I’m A Witch!!!

I’m A Powerful, Powerful Witch!!!

Hhhmmhhhmmm; Hhhmmhhhmmm

I’m A Healer; I’m A Healer!!!

I’m A Powerful, Powerful Healer!!!

Hhhmmhhhmmm; Hhhmmhhhmmm

And You ARE Tooooooo!

And You ARE Tooooooo!

You Are A Witch; You Are A Witch!

You Are A Witchy, Witchy Witch!

Hhhmmhhhmmm; Hhhmmhhhmmm

You Are Powerful, You Are Powerful

You Are Power-Power-Powerful!

Hhhmmhhhmmm; Hhhmmhhhmmm

You’re A Healer; You’re A Healer!!!

You’re A Heeaalerrrrr!!!

Hhhmmhhhmmm; Hhhmmhhhmmm

And Sooo-ooo It Iiisss!

When I started recording the song, I knew who this was coming from. The Child. I have known The Child’s Soul in many lifetimes, spanning from pre-patriarchal times. I don’t know when was the last time I Mothered this Soul on Earth. I know The Child thinks about me and wonders where I am. This wasn’t the first message I have gotten from The Child. I’m not sure if we are meant to be together in this life. I felt grateful for this message. It was such a fun song! Cheerful and Joyful! I LOVE this song. Such a lovely gift. 

I started heading towards the grocery store after channeling the song. But I noticed a twinge from Spirit. Then I noticed my bike’s battery was running lower than usual. I decided to head back. On my way back home I decided to get some pie and a cup of coffee for breakfast. After I was done there, I decided to walk my bike up the street for a bit because I was afraid that I wouldn’t have enough charge to get back home. I was walking along SE Stark Street, listening to music when I noticed a woman in purple come out of a building with a large sign for a shop; this shop was opening as I was walking up. I read the sign on the building, “The Way Home Shop”, another metaphysical shop that I had no idea existed!

“The Way Home. Huh. I didn’t even know you existed! How long has this shop been open?”. 

“We just had our 2-year anniversary yesterday”, the woman said warmly. 

“This is great! I’m going to lock my bike and come in!”. I was excited. 2 is one of my numbers. 

This shop is small and mighty. It is packed with crystals, candles, books, all sorts of magickal tools. I Intuitively went right to the corner with the things I needed, as I approached I noticed the symbol rose. I picked up the bottle that said, “Rose Medicine”, my Intuition vibrated. I have known for a while I am a part of the Magdalene Lineage. I read more on the bottle, the brand is from, “Kate’s Magik: Intention-Based Aromatherapy”, I continued to read on, “Reiki-Charged. Our blend of exquisite rose otto and rose absolute will help comfort your heart, soothe your nerves, and mend your soul. The cosmic wisdom and tender healing ability of rose will aid in easing sorrows, dissolving grief and instilling forgiveness. This graceful aroma will awaken your heart, elevate your mood and encourage sacred connection. Rose conjures Life-Force, can help balance hormones and awakens sensual desires. This sacred Queen of Flowers is here to LOVE, BEAUTIFY and COMFORT us through our earthly existence; in everyday life, practice, prayer and ritual. 

Rose Essential Oil transmits the highest vibrational frequency (320 MHZ) of all essential oils on our planet.

Since ancient times, aromatic oils have been applied for purification, healing, and to stimulate the senses. Their alchemical nature ties us to the mystical traditions of our ancestors.”.

This was definitely a tool I needed. Right below the display of essential oils was a tarot deck, I immediately noticed the black and gold; the cat on the deck. I picked up the deck for a closer look, the author of this deck shared the same first name as Wanderer’s wife. Again my Intuition vibrated. I bought the Rose Oil and the tarot deck. I learned more about the shop. They have classes throughout the month and it is owned by a woman. I made a mental note to check out upcoming classes. I felt safe in this space. To Be Continued…

Wake Up (Choir Version).....Llunr

California Dreamin’.....The Mamas & The Papas

California Love-Original Version…..2Pac, Roger, Dr. Dre

Looking For The Answer…..Lllyric?

i hate 2 hate u…..LAURA LAVI

prey…..Aestrea

You Know You’re Right…..Nirvana

Do For Love…..2Pac

Requiem…..Wolfgang Amadeus Mozart, Magdalena Hajossyova (and a bunch of other people)

Angel…..Massive Attack, Horace Andy

Lie To Me…..Chris Isaak